Spoof news snippets from January 2016
There were 35 spoof news snippets published in January 2016. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Erskine Quint goes to Hollywood!
Erskine goes to Hollywood, but not in a gay way, however Frankie did!!
Kim Jong un is just so Bombastic!
North Korean nutter, Kim Jong un, scared the shit out of the world by supposedly testing H bombs, however, he claims that Tom Jones's "Sex Bomb" is to blame because he feels it's a blast!
Bill Gates on Desert Island Discs!
Bill Gates appears on BBC 4's Jurassic radio programme, Desert Island Discs divulging his top 10 fav discs and a special one is; I am the Walrus - Apple Record dedicated to Steve Jobs, say's it all!
Angie Merkel naked! How horrific!
In solidarity with the Cologne sex attack victims, Angela Merkel will stand naked under the Cologne Dome hoping this action will put off sex attackers forever! She has a point!
Chaps will be Chapo's!
Notorious prison breaker, El Chapo, and Sean Penn, naughty chap, met before El Chapo was captured, but he assured Sean, "see you soon the boy's are already digging" Sean will play El Chapo soon!
Moonwalking! No English Spacewalking!
Brit astronaut, Tim Peake, walking in space decided to show off and do a version of Whacko Jacko's, Moonwalking! Houston were not pleased so they told Tim either come back in or go to hell in heaven!
Donald Trump To Wear Monica Lewinsky's Blue Dress For All Remaining Debates
He will also wear it during the Presidential debate with Hillary Clinton, if he wins the Republican nomination.
Jeremy Corbyn replaces entire Shadow Cabinet with Bobble Head dolls made in his own image.
How do you pick a candidate . . .
. . . for what is perhaps the worst job in the nation, when actually wanting the job may be the major disqualification for getting it?
Thousands Of Hewlett Packard Printer Ink Cartridges Washed Up On British and European Beaches
'They were lost at sea last year,' said a spokesman for HP. 'Fortunately, despite their ridiculous retail cost, they contain virtually no ink and so the environmental consequences should be minimal.'
Competition Hots Up For Most Inventive Way To Resign From Shadow Cabinet
Following Stephen Doughty's resignation on live TV, it is rumoured that another shadow minister plans to hire a plane to tow a banner across the London sky that reads "You're insane, Corbyn. I Quit!"
PM pays tribute to rock legend
"I was saddened to hear of the death of iconic Rock Legend, Lemmy Bowie," explained the PM "I have fond memories of listening to his track The Ace of Space Oddity"
Cameron And Hunt Dismayed At Failure Of Their Honesty And Sincerity Impersonations
'They tried their best to pretend to look honest and sincere when claiming that junior doctors were being unreasonable,' said a Downing Street source, 'but sadly the public just aren't that gullible.'
'Yes, Prime Minister' to be shown to all MPs.
The classic comedy 'Yes Minister' and 'Yes, Prime Minister' is to be shown to all MPs. This after in the space of a week both Cameron and Corbyn stole comic policies from it for their own.
Jimmy Savile Case Closed
Scotland Yard have announced that the Savile Inquiry is closed. Said Chief Super Justin Thyme; "Now that the main suspects have at last died off we have no further need for it. Rule Britannia!"
Education Secretary Champions A Diversity Of Sporting Opportunities For Young People In Schools
'Athletics teaches young people about drugs,' Nicky Morgan told UK Sport representatives, 'tennis informs them about bribery, and football allows exploration of corporate corruption.'
HMRC Sends Jolly Nice Thank You Letter To Google
'We wanted to thank Google ever so much for thinking of us and using their valuable time to pay a bit of UK tax.' said Damian Hinds MP, Exchequer Secretary to the Treasury. 'It was very kind of them.'
Egypt Museum Staff Face Trial Over Botched Repair To Tutankhamun's Mysteriously Damaged Beard
'It's lucky they never noticed the rip in the shroud of Rameses II,' said an anonymous member of the museum staff. 'That got torn at the same fancy dress party.'
Will he or won't he??
King Louis van Gaal has created a Dutch Dilemma at Manchester United, will he retire or not? The great debate. He was last seen kicking up daisies in his Portugal residence, maybe that's the clue!
Duke of Edinburgh asks, "Is it Christmas Yet?"
Phil the Greek hit the headlines again when told he'd missed Christmas this year, flew into a rage for not getting reminded and threw his mug of Bovril at a footman.
Democrat Presidential candidate, Senator Bernie Sanders proposed a maximum wage of $16 per hour.
In addition, Senator Sanders supports a minimum wage of $15 per hour.
Other Othered from Support Group Forms Another Other Support Group
Dakota Johnson slams Ageism, applauds Nepotism in Hollywood
On Tuesday, Dakota Johnson called Hollywood out on not casting actresses like her mother Melanie Griffith, but applauded their hiring of the daughters of existing celebrities like Melanie Griffith.
Merkel's reassures the public
Merkel's response to the outrage over the refugees who had molested the women in Cologne on NYE for not being doctors: "They were the gynaecologists"
EPA Formally Declares Clouds a Dangerous Pollutant
The declaration came after a new study indicated that clouds are melting the Greenland Ice Sheet.
Yosemite park plans to change some ironic names
The National Park Service announced today that it was changing the names of The Redskin hotel, Jungle Bunny Village and other beloved park sites.
British Astronaut Tim Peake cuts Spacewalk short.
The tea delivery system built into his spacesuit didn't work correctly and he refused to carry on work with out a decent tea break.
Airport Surveillance to Tighten Up
Internal organs removal now compulsory at all European and American airports.
Negative Reviews for Mad Mad Fury Road More Entertaining Than Movie
Truckload full of mothers' milk driving fast through desert not that compelling, actually.
Future Superstorm, "SnoWallopAlooza", Shuts Down East Coast
A MONSTER storm that might pack blizzard conditions spun by the elite East-Coast media will, hopefully, live up to the hype, but New York City and Washington DC shut down anyway.
I'm always flummoxed by signs that read "Hidden Driveway."
If you went to all that trouble to hide your driveway, why announce its whereabouts with a sign?
"Revenant" to be Made Into Musical.
The film Revenant starring Leonardo DiCaprio is to be made into a musical, renamed "Robinson Crusoe on Ice"
Now for the Attic Tax
UK: Following the "bedroom tax" comes the "attic tax". Anyone living in a house with an attic will have their welfare benefit cut by 10%.
Jimmy Savile Inquiry to Drag On...and On...and On...
Judge Lowell Goddard chairing the Savile inquiry has announced that the case will drag on for another 4 years so that high ranking suspects can get a chance to die off.
Lloyds Bank Sold
J.P.Morgan Chase Co. has bought Britain's Lloyd's bank for an undisclosed sum. Interest rates expected to rise. The NWO marches on.