Spoof news snippets from August 2016
There were 90 spoof news snippets published in August 2016. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Obama Hit For Hypocracy
A white police cop roughed up Harvard prof, Henry Louis Gates & the Pres. said it was stupid but apologized. After he fired a black woman Shirley Sharrod who Brietbart lied about he wouldn't hire her.
Obama Aide David Plouffe Compliments Trump
" I know it's only kind of a left-hand compliment when I called him a psychopath," said Plouffe. But considering he's a sociopathic racist degenerate I was being nice."
Trump And Clinton Have Much In Common
They are the most disliked and distrusted pair of politicians ever to face each other in a U.S. presidential election.
Guiliani Says Hillary's Health Is Failing
Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani says Hillary Clinton's physical health is failing. He offered no proof saying that people needed just to go to the internet. David Duke said go to his site.
Why GOP Denies Climate Change And Science
A new study cited in Psychology Today says that conservatives have a significantly lower IQ than liberals. "It comes down to brain structure and you can't change that," is a quote from the article.
LACK OF MONEY CUTS BACK ON SCIENCE CLASSES
Lack of money has cut back on science in schools. Those most effected are girls and blacks who can't get classes. "It's ok," said Ted Cruz Sen-Tx. "No one will hire black female scientists anyway."
Trump: I Like Messiahs Who Weren't Crucified
Trump also likes messiahs that don't have to be deported...
US Swimmers Cover up and Lies Dominate Media Coverage
Head of NBC news said that the story, which consumed hours of coverage, "Is by far much more important that showing U.S.athletes winning Olympic medals as a reward for a lifetime of work."
New TV Ad By Cadillac Ad May Be Hyperbole
"As important as the introduction of fire and electricity to the human race is, the new Cadillac SUV Gigantica is on an equal par with those achievements," says a new TV ad.
Trump issues New Apology
In apologizing to the Gold Star Kahn family the candidate said, "If I've offended you in any way by stomping on your son's grave - which I really don't understand-I regret it."
The Raping Reaper returns!
Sunderland FC have decided to put the final nail in their coffin by employing Moyes as their personal Reaper! He is doing a great job, only after 2 games David has already buried the hatchet!
Trump Says Hillary Doesn't Have Energy To Campaign
The candidate says she doesn't have the strength to campaign. He said this after making one late afternoon campaign stop and, as always, sleeping on his jet on the way to his bedroom at Trump Tower.
Trump Campaign Offers Hallucinatory Food
They offer "Pivot Cakes," they're hallucinatory and look like cinnamon roles. Eat one and you'll think Donald Trump hasn't betrayed his followers by changing his core positions.
If You Want To Get A Vote You Have To Meet Voters
Trump won't go to urban areas and speak to black voters. It's a new campaign strategy: Avoid the communities where the voters are.
Michael Phelps The Latest To Pledge Gold Medal To Trump
"I'm OCD about having even numbers, so I'll Give Donald Trump the extra gold medal if I end up with an odd number," says Phelps.
Trump Announces Campaign Shakeup
Trump has hired Pat Buchanan as his new campaign chair. A white supremacist, he says that in open carry states armed men should prevent a rigged election by going to urban areas to prevent fraud.
Trump Explains Why He Let's Campaign Chair Go
"i got so used to saying, 'You're Fired,' on reality TV that I can't restrain myself," said the candidate concerning the firing of numerous campaign officials.
Trump Apologizes To Megan Kelly
Mad at Kelley for tough questions Trump said,"you could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, and out of her wherever."
"I should have been more specific about the lower part of her anatomy,"
Koch Brothers And Voter Fraud
The 2016 campaign is about money and votes. Milti Billionaire Charles Koch, head of the chemical empire said, "I've the money covered - I'll let the GOP take care of the fraud through voter laws."
Olympic Swimmer Lochte Caught Lying Apologizes
Ryan Lochte caught in a cover up about lying that he was held up at the point of a gun issued a non-apology apology. Observers said, with the lies and cover up he was now ready to go into politics.
Outrage At Trump Getting Top Secret information Overblown
Trump, who is said to have the attention span of an eight-year-old, and not to be the sharpest knife in the drawer, spent his time during the briefing sleeping and with eyes wandering.
Trump Gives Bizarre Answer To Reporter
Trump was asked by columnist David Brooks, who is noted for a philosophical bent, "What in your opinion makes humans uniquely human?" He responded, "To humiliate others not like oneself."
Trump Knows Who HIs Supreme Court Nominee Will Be
"Of course it's Judge Judy, who is better qualified," said the candidate.
Trump Flattered By Hillary Tweets
Egomaniac Trump has been flattered by her tweets where she thanks him for staying off topic. They appeal to his narcissistic nature.
Trump Supporters Think He can Do No Wrong
After Trump reversed his position on immigration, saying that he'd let 99% stay, Trump followers said it was OK. "We always knew he can't tell the truth. So lying is ok," said one.
Trump Raises Rent On Himself
Donald Trump jacked up the rent his campaign pays him as soon as the donations started rolling in. Who says he's not a business genius? Writes writer Wonkette.
Kenyan Athletes forced to go for a "Drug Run!"
Kenyan Olympic team were forced to live in a Brazilian Favela for 3 days because they had no money left for the tickets home. They earned their tickets back by "Drug Running" it's a new Olympic sport!
Melania Trump Offers...
To be first illegal immigrant deported when her husband takes office.
Anger As Ofsted Chairman Calls The Isle of Wight: 'A Ghetto Where There Has Been Inbreeding'.
'IOW residents wouldn't have been able to read what I said,' Ofsted Chairman, David Hoare, told reporters. 'Somebody must have visited their caves and told them.'
Labour Party Continues To Argue About Who Can Vote For New Leader
'We fully support democracy,' said a spokesman for Labour's National Executive Committee, 'but openness and inclusiveness is of no use if the ignorant, devious bastards vote for the wrong person.'
Conservative MPs And Activists Flock To Join Labour Party
'This is a cynical ploy,' said a Labour Party spokesman, 'to re-appoint Jeremy Corbyn and hence eliminate Labour as a serious political force in the UK until at least after the next general election.'
Trump Buys Silver Star and Congressional Medal of Honor to Go With His Purple Heart
Trump has started asking servicemen that he meets if they have any medals they want to sell.
Donald Trump Escalates Bizarre Comments That Alienate Increasing Numbers Of Americans
'I must anger more people,' Mr Trump told his psychiatrist today, 'or I'll be president and not know what to do.'
'That's progress,' said the psychiatrist. 'It's the sanest thing he's ever said.'
Rumours Continue That Twitter Will Shut Down In 2017
Views have been sought from the remaining half dozen Twitter accounts that are run by real people rather than bots. They were too busy trolling each other to comment, however.
Trump Hires Roger Ailes In Bid For Women's Vote
Donald Trump has hired the ousted Fox News Chair to play a role in getting the women's vote. Trump said that because Alies was the object of sexual assault lawsuits he knew a lot about women.
Trump Denies Using Racist Dog Whistles
"I tell it like it is," says the candidate. " I say Obama wasn't born in the U.S., I want Mexicans to stay out and I said i didn't know who white supremacists are. I don't need to use dog whistles."
Trump Says He Alone Can Save Christianity
Repeating evangelical Christian memes, Trump says Christianity is under attack in the U.S. but he will save it. "If you want to call me a savior that's ok," said the candidate.
Trump Tells World Who His Role Model Is
"I would, of course, model my Presidency after Vladimir Putin who says he admires me. It the least I can do for him after those nice words," said the candidate for President Of The United States.
Trump Abandons Presidential Run to Be Dictator of Own Country
"We used his money to buy Monaco and gave it to him for his birthday!" said the Trump Family.
Coulter, Beck, Limbaugh, & Guilliani on Chris Matthews
"Tomorrow," said Chris, I'll do a follow up when they empty the local
'This NHS Hospital Is Grossly Understaffed,' Claims Jeremy Corbyn In His Deathbed Video
A spokesman for Ikea later confirmed that Mr Corbyn had been lying on a bed in one of their stores when the video had been filmed, and that he seemed fine when he left.
Speedo Makes Fashion Breakthrough with New HillBlimp Swimwear
Post Lohte,Speedo moves on with HillBlimp swimwear modeled by The Hillary. Made from new techno-sailcloth,HillBlimp pantsuit-swimwear can be worn at rallies with a quick amphib-option of sea dunking.
Queen's Honours List
LONDON: Queens Honours List just released. No sighting of Rowling yet again. Recipients will receive a watch and an ornament of Big Ben for their mantelpiece.
Trump in Virginia
They say my wife is a tramp... that's OK. They say I'm here to make Hillary president... that's OK. They say I play golf with Bill Clinton... that's OK. They say we will destroy the Earth.. that's OK.
Trump Campaign Strategy Revealed
I'm rubber, you're glue.
Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.
Pick the Reason Trump Will Drop Out
1. My golf game is suffering
2. My businesses need my attention
3. The press is out to get me
4. People don't believe in Santa anymore
5. The election is rigged
Three Circles of Hell
Ring 1: Being Trump's Enemy
Ring 2: Being Trump's Ally
Ring 3: Being Trump's Campaign Staff
What is Insanity?
Listening to Corbyn and Smith debate Nuclear War on television as if it was a movie they saw last week and didn't particularly like.
Now Here Are the News Headlines
Jesinta Campbell shows off killer abs.
Donald Trump makes another bid not to get elected.
Britney Spears unveils new dance routine.
Baghdad bomb annihilates at least 215 people.
Melania's New Book
Melania Trump has just released her book... on "landing a billionaire". It is titled... "How to go to Bed a Tramp and Wake up a Trump".
Jimmy Savile Inquiry
The Jimmy Savile investigation now in its fifth year "will continue for another five years", said chief investigator Sir Hiram Pike..."until all the main suspects die off and it all blows over".
R.E.M's New Album
R.E.M rock band is to release a new album titled..."SONGS TO SLIT YOUR WRISTS BY". This will be the first music album ever to carry a government health warning. Sales expected to go through the roof.
Oh noes! It's winter
Rio de Janeiro - Uh oh. We forgot to tell everyone that it's winter in Rio. Sorry about that. Someone please ask Michael Phelps if he knows how to ski.
Dame Goddard Resigns from Savile Inquiry
"Lost the confidence'... of the guilty.
Last Word on Science
Reality is not to be 'conquered' by 'science'.
Your violent ego is to be conquered by Reality.
Man of Eastern origin attacks pet poodle in Helsinki
Pokemon Go Players Killed on Artillery Range
A group of eight youngsters was killed by a single round from an M777 howitzer when they ventured onto a firing range at Fort Sill, Oklahoma in search of "Pokemon Go" characters.
Oscar Pistorius treated in hospital for wrist injuries
This after he beat off 100 other inmates in an effort to make some friends in prison.
First Aussie Gold Medalist from Shooting Team has passport cancelled for taking a gun to Rio.
She claims just an innocent athlete, government incarcerates her family in retaliation of her denial. Only terrorist take guns to the Olympics as the government smears her innocence.
Mitt Romney Makes Donation to DC's Smithsonian Museum
Mitt Romney graciously donated his "binders full of women" to the Smithsonian Museum as part of the historical record. The museum will not display the women until after the election.
Roman Catholic archbishop of Dublin Diarmuid Martin has been asked by his parishioners to launch an investigation into why Ireland has not had a summer this year or last year.
Are there two Trumps as Dick Gregory says? One blue-tied and one red-tied? Clones? The first cloned US president in history? Does the right hand know what the left is up to? Is it meant to?
Baby Boomers awake from lifetime of materialism to realise its not somebody elses government that is the problem
Baby boomers everywhere awaken to it is actually their own government that is their biggest problem, "after all this time and all those assurances I can't believe it was a con" they exclaimed on mass
Question from Ireland
Irish people want to know...."What happened to our 'summer'? Why is summer now winter? Is some lunatic scientist playing God with the weather?"
Irish Farmer Challenges Monsanto
Irish farmer Finbar Green has petitioned US Congress to arrest and try Monsanto Corporation for "crimes against humanity". He has indeed coined a new word for the charge BIO-CONSPIRACY.
Trump Surrogate (from the Americna Political Dictionay)
A subspecies of Homo Republicanus Rabidus that subsists on making the indefensible defensible. He or she can often be found on cable news shows or under rocks. It preys on the ignorant.
Tragedy for Trump's White House pitch as combover hairpiece files for divorce -
Cites irreconcilable martial differences.
The NWO Agenda Unmasked
If it's natural and healthy WE will change it.
Gender, marriage, family, minds, souls, bodies, weather, food.
Here's a better idea.
You created NONE of it.
Why not leave it all taf#!xk alone?
Now Here is the Weather...Not!
They have over 2,000 satellites circling the earth and they can't predict if it will rain tomorrow or not? Duh???? How confused do we have to be?
Trump Vows to Bomb Al-Gebra
"When I am elected, my first priority will be bombing the Shiite out of Al-Gebra before they acquire weapons of math deduction. I bombed algebra in high school; I shall bomb Al-Gebra as president!"
Tribute to Terry
The Mets are retiring Tterry Collins' blood pressure numbers,
Rock-a-bye Donald, in the pawnshop
When the wind blows, the campaign will rock
When the polls break, the campaign will fall
And down will come Donald, claptrap and all
A study at Upjohn Downjill university concluded that 69% of all Americans enjoy oral sex.
Obama to Pardon Nations' Turkeys
President Obama is considering using his executive power to pardon all of the nations turkeys before Thanksgiving. In the past he has limited it to turkeys scheduled only for the White House dinner.
Ryan Lochte Accuses Brazillian Police of Further Crimes
The US Olympic swimmer was quoted as saying, "Brazil's cops are crooks. I was assaulted. No, raped! No, I was murdered!"
New Tunick Art Work
Called "Naked Attraction" the new 'work' features thousands of naked volunteers painted purple and tied to lampposts all over London.
Annual Psychotherapy Awards
LONDON: The Annual Psychotherapy Awards, Hosted by J.K. Rowling, will take place at Coventry Masonic Hall. Competition expected to be fierce.
Man reads Census tracking story - turns off smartphone tracking and is raided within minutes
New Hominid Species discovered - Trumplodites
Thought to be from about a million years ago. Its resurfacing in modern times is a sign evolution has given up and decided to regress
Nasa For Sale
Obama to sell off Nasa. "Problems on earth need all our commitment and resources," he explained. Space suits going cheap on Ebay. "Buy one get one free".
Detroit: A 93 year old man was arrested yesterday for shoplifting. Said arresting officer, Chuck Braine; "Thankfully, he made no attempt to escape."
Nama Property Swindle
NAMA: huge billion pound Irish gov. property swindle... possible Sinn Fein/DUP collusion. Said Finance Committee..."perhaps, maybe..er,.. we should have an inquiry, eh?... just a thought."
Sir Richard Branson Nearly Killed
Sir Richard Branson was today nearly killed in a bike accident in the British Virgin Islands. "I thought I was going to die," said he. "I saw all my money flash before my eyes."
A man posing as a fashion photographer for Vogue Magazine was yesterday arrested in Paris for taking advantage of over 19,000 women.
George W. Bush to be awarded Nobel Peace Prize for "his sterling work in bringing harmony among nations... and for his truth, honesty and integrity".
Australian style immigration system.
Chinese nuclear control.
American style health service.
Sir Hiram Pike, ppokesman for the Savile Inquiry, has announced;
"We are hoping to drag the case on for another five years to give distinguished suspects every chance to die off."
Rowling and the Burkini
The Daily Telegraph... "J.K.Rowling posted "an hilarious Tweet" on the French burkini ban.
"Boo!", she said.
"Is there no limit to this woman's brilliance?"
Next Potter book now on sale.
Rick Perry gets a reality show:
So You Think You Can Goose-Step
A public service announcement:
Keep your political system under control: make sure your politicians are spayed or neutered.