Spoof news snippets from May 2015
There were 73 spoof news snippets published in May 2015. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Excluded Critters Charge Court with Speciesism
Reacting to the current NY court case on giving human rights to chimps, an alliance of dogs, wolves, badgers, raccoons,&hyenas has charged the court with "speciesism."Said spokesdog Rex,"Woofduhfuk!"
McIlroy's Demise at Irish Open Traced to Organic Additive
Golf's No. 1's failure to make the cut at the Irish Open has been traced to subversive spiking of his Guiness with bramble juice,thus causing his drives to seek out landing areas with organic kinship.
Raul Castro will go back to preying after meeting Pope Frankie
Disgusting, what a pair of dirty old men!
Mubarak gets 3 years in the slammer for corruption charges
Muslim Bruvverhood dead chuffed at such a result
China continues excavation to unveil more Panna Cotta Worriers
Uh, make that 'Terra Cotta', panna being a sticky Italian pudding and totally unsuitable for major excavation works
Prince Charles Shakes Hands With Gerry Adams
......during a visit to the 'gents'
Does Harvard University have a secret society that's a major force for evil?
Yale's Skull N Bones Club says Yes!
Fury at headlines claiming Syria's top ancient ruin threatened by ISIS take-over
That's no way to describe President Bashar al-Assad's ageing mother-in-law
FDA Approves Magnum Condoms For Two Dicks
The FDA announced today that Magnum Condoms can be advertised as effective birth control for "double barreling".
"The rubbers can accommodate two average dongs," a spokeswoman said.
Rand Paul convinced GOP hawks created Islamic State
Jeb Bush retaliates, says Democrat Party turkeys responsible for current Jihadi mess
Putin accuses US of messing with FIFA's Russian offside rule
Absolutely nothing wrong with footie officials receiving massive great big backhanders as long as everything's denominated in Russian Roubles
Clinton Foundation received $$$s in corruption-suspected FIFA bungs
Spokesperson claims it was just petty cash to pay for Hillary's plastic surgery and a head transplant for First Daughter Chelsea
Troll who claimed Obama isn't gay has been banned from Twitter
Such a slur on Da Prez's private quarters will not be tolerated in cyberspace
New Jersey Gov Has New Promotion Gig
Chris Christie was named by the American Lard Assn as their new spokesperson. Lard Ass President Bud Gristel named the Gov after learning that Christie's favorite book is The Count of Mounds of Crisco
Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana
Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana! Sweet! To be alphabetically correct, the choice should have been Princess Charlotte Diana Elizabeth. Did the parents consider Princess Spencer Middleton Windsor?
Bubba 'Splains Why He Needs Them $500K Speech Gigs
Ex-Pres and intern-molester Clinton reveals why those talk-a-ripoffs gotta continue. Price inflation at the world-wide knocking shoppes he visits has sky rocketed. Bubba needs dough to plow and sow.
WTF 'You can now buy John Lennon's iconic glasses'?
Half pint beer glass and highball balloon probably included with plastic coffee mug
Carbon dioxide levels reach highs not seen for 20 million years
You can blame all that toxic hot air on dumb Brit politicians yakking their heads off before Thirsday's general election
Brady Leaks Another Detail on the Deflated Ball Controversy
Patriots QB told the press he is contractually obligated to use deflated balls. See,any air let out of game balls is quickly injected into Brady's personal balls, so he gets a 'float' on field'n'bed.
20 Sturgeons Accused of Voting Illegally in the UK
20 Sturgeons were accused of voting illegally today in Picadilly, but it was later ruled they mistakenly swam into the poll looking for caviar.
Hillary Asks Bruce Jenner to Consider Being Vice President
Hillary Clinton Monday asked Bruce Jenner to run as Vice President, becoming the first potential transgender Presidential Candidate. Republicans were quick to point out something totally irrelevant.
"Hate the sin, not the sinner," he says exculpatorily, as he hungrily bites into his bacon and tomato sandwich that his second wife just prepared for him.
Rolf Harris... Fall Guy for The Powerful Guilty
The Savile Inquiry is now certain to drag on for another ten years... until all the powerful guilty die off. Meanwhile, let all the Sheeple focus on old Rolf Harris... yet again. Just so's you know 'justice' is being done... yo ho ho!
Apple to Unveil iPen
CUPERTINO, CA - Apple announced this afternoon that it will release the iPen in June.
Medic or corpsman
The difference between a Army Medic or Navy Corpsman is one if by land and two if by sea?
'Alarming Rise' In Strokes Among Younger Men.
..the perils of lads magazines!
Scientology Severely Taxed
The Supreme High Court USA has ordered the Church of Scientology to pay its taxes like everybody else. Tom Cruise so upset he may need to be 'cleared' by the late Ron Hubbard.
New World Religion "CHRISTLAM" on the Way
Four years from now the NWO global religion called "Christlam" will begin. Pope Francis has summoned Disneyland designers to the Vatican.
Prince Charles' Letters to be Released
Big scoop? Well... "However, some redactions were made to the letters, where the court deemed parts of the content to not be in the public's interest." (Guardian).
In other words, Sheeple... don't waste your time reading the shit. Or, lap up what they throw you.
Kim Jong Un Executes Newborn Infant For Crying
North Korean leader Kim Jong Un executed a newborn infant for crying when the Supreme Leader visited a hospital, Un's Supreme Press Secretary, Yu Stin Ki Pu, told The Spoof Today.
Idiot comes to a sobering realisation
Man who for some baffling reason considered himself to be witty, amusing and erudite for 45 years comes to the horrible realisation that he is Giles Coren.
Michelle Obama Blames Her Thin Skin On Her White Ancestors
After being lambasted by both the left and right for her portrayal of being a "victim" at Tuskegee University, Michelle Obama, blamed her thin skin on her white great-great-great grandfather.
Bear 'Buries Woman Alive To Eat Her Later'..
When interviewed by the police the bear replied:"Listen mate, have you seen how much Tesco are charging for horsemeat!"
Sarah Brightman's Trip To Space Called Off
....just discovered she is fresh out of baked beans.
Chuka Umunna Drops Labour Leadership Bid
..joins Hot chocolate comeback tour...money for nothing and the chicks are free.....and better looking than the Labour harpies!
Andy Burnham: I Am The Change Candidate
Jekyll or Hyde cobber?
Monsanto... Very Fishy Indeed!
After dumping two tons of genetically modified fish into the Atlantic, anyone henceforth fishing in any ocean or sea anywhere in the world will have to buy a licence from Monsanto ... or be sued.
Rowling Confesses Potter Book 8 on the Way.
Declared J.K. Rowling to the Sunday Express... "I never ever, ever, ever, ever said I would not write Potter Book 8. What I said was I was not "thinking" of doing so. I am soooooooooo embarrassed.
Chilling Survey... It's all in the Words
A new Sheeple-Survey has revealed that nine out of ten people would rather be 'euthanased' than killed.
President Obama Issues Executive Order to Fund Army of Community Organizers
President Obama announced he will send billions of dollars to various community-activist groups to combat urban police.
White Man Kills Unarmed Black Bear
ANCHORAGE, AK - An unarmed black bear was fatally shot after it threatened a white homeowner and his white dog.
One Song Responsible For Most Mass Phobia
Shrinks and Quacks with PHD's all agree that Steven Sondheim's song, 'Send In The Clowns' is responsible for almost 80% of all clown phobias. Smoke Robinson's 'Tears Of A Clown,' makes up the rest.
Kelly Carlin Revises George Carlin's List of Words You Can't Say on TV
George Carlin's only daughter, Kelly Carlin, has updated her father's famous list of the "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television".
BBC Springwatch to get makeover
With the return of Hunting with Hounds in the Queens Speech, Springwatch will now be presented by Jeremy Clarkson and feature footage of dogs ripping Foxes and Badgers to death.
Obama Calls Black TV Executive a 'Gawd-Dammed Frigging Pussy'
After Byron Allen unloaded on President Barack Obama, calling him a 'White President In Black Face', Obama fired back, calling the black TV executive a "Gawd-Dammed Frigging Pussy".
Tea Party Caucus Renounces Constitution
The Tea Party Caucus will no longer protest unconstitutonal legislation.
"We can enslave your first born and cite the commerce or necessary and proper clause," said John Bohner.
Hillary Clinton Thrown From Campaign Van Touring Iowa
Staffers sick of Hillary Clinton nodding threw her from her campaign van as it sped down an Iowa highway at 85 mph. The former first lady was gravely injured and is expected to die within the week.
Mike Huckabee Blown In Burger King Parking Lot
Reporters accompanying Republican Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee caught him being blown in an Iowa woman's car Monday. Huckabee said he was a sinner and God would forgive both of them.
San Diego Zoo officials said "Wilbur", a tortoise that mounted an unnamed female tortoise in November, finally began ejaculating Monday morning.
"He should be done in a month," said a spokesman.
American Troops Burn Australian Capital
American servicemen on leave burned the Australian capital of Canberra to the ground yesterday. The Navy apologized and vowed to investigate the incident. 42,500 are thought to have burned to death.
Palermo, Sicily Sacked By Muslim Hordes
Over 250,000 self identified "Saracen" crusaders sacked Palermo yesterday. The group is moving now up the Italian peninsula, leaving piles of corpses in its wake. 85,000 have been reported beheaded.
German Reichstag Torched
The Reichstag building in Berlin burnt to the ground yesterday. The building was filled with MP's, all of whom were killed. A dictatorship has been declared and the entire intellectual class shot.
Surgeon General Issues Warning About "Having It Done Up Your Butt"
America's top doctor warned citizens off taking "even a medium one" in the rear.
"It hurts, causes fissures and tearing,makes you walk funny for days. Taking it up the butt is not cool," he said.
Hungarian President Beaten To Death By All Male Mob For Criticizing Internet Porn
Hungary's President was killed by a mob, angry over rumors that he thought internet porn "unbecoming." He has been replaced with a dictator and all of his political allies shot.
Woman seen getting into car the wrong way
Through the driver's door.
Kellogs are bringing out 'Ordinary K' just for you ...
There are some things in life money can't buy
For everything else there's ... well ... money.
What's the commonest French expression?
Tories to reduce VAT to 11% in Norfolk
Apparently it's easier for them to work it out on their fingers
Slade to re-release Kos I luv you...
..Bob Geldof and a cast of thousands on standy!
U2 Tour Manager Found Dead In LA Hotel Room...
....after listening to their last album I know how he feels!
NASA images capture closest pictures of Ceres
As the Dawn MYR-6 spacecraft approached the min-planet Ceres, the space group in Houston began cheering.
Spotted on the far side of Hamersfield Crater was a sign, "3 bedroom condo for rent."
Parents! The quickest way to call a family meeting
I've just discovered the quickest way to call a family meeting.
Turn off the WiFi router and simply wait in the room where it's located till everyone arrives
David Cameron Sleeps Out.
For the election David Cameron has spent a night among the outcasts in Hyde Park. "Now I know wha they go through," said he. "All I could think of was the champagne breakfast I had lined up for when I got back home,"
BBC confirms there will be weather
Bank Holiday or not.
Royal baby named
Phil the Greek well pissed off he had 50p each way at Corals on the name Mercedes! One is not amused!
'Unexplained' Death At Dorchester Hotel
..man found clutching his overnight bill!!
Prince Harry: Princess Is 'Absolutely Beautiful'.
"2 nil to me bruv!"
Most 'Hated' Phrase In America!
In a recent online survey, participants revealed that the most hated phrase in America seems to ironically be "Don't be Hatin'!"
Man Prints 3D Gun, Shoots 4D Wife!
A man in Boston purchased a new 3D printer, and pressed the buttons for a small handgun and one bullet.
"Harold, you've been in the damn basement all day!" were the last words his wife ever said.
This Insult Won't Work
Given the genius and utility of the reproductive system of a flower, is there any point in telling a flower to go fuck itself?
Caught on Camera: White Cable News Reporter Kicks Black Cable News Reporter
A white cable news reporter was charged with assault after a video showed him kicking a black cable news reporter.
Fantasy-Reality Swop Finally Complete
The media drive to confuse reality with fantasy has finally reached its goal. Next year's Hollywood Oscars will have an additional category... BEST DRONE MISSILE CONTROLLER.