Spoof news snippets from March 2015
There were 158 spoof news snippets published in March 2015. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Terrorist attack Crufts!
A blatant terrorist attack at Crufts on a prize red setter has left the canine world devastated! Luckily the victim was not beheaded and will now become immortal because the owners are stuffing it!
Fog hits British news readers on the Beeb!
It seems that Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson getting the boot from his rather childish programme is more important than the German Wings tragody. Well that's what the Beeb shows on the internet!
Ryan Giggs loves Louis van Gaal!
There is no riff between King Louis and Ryan Giggs because Louis missus is too old!
South Africa offer penis transplants!
A successful penis transplant op in South Africa has caused an invasion of mainly Asian men hoping for an extension! Black men are also hoping for an op because their wives constantly feel the pain!
Nigel Farage's big Berlin Wall!
UKIP will build a huge wall around the UK if elected! They haven't decided which one, Texan/Mexican (too porous) or a Berlin style, but Farage's missus, a German ordered him to take BERLIN or be shot!
Louis van Gaal's new tactic; spitting!
LVG introduced a secret weapon to his lame team hoping to please frustrated United fans; a spitting Llama! Away fans loved his debut at Newcastle and hope now they can spit their way into the top 4!
3 teenage girls kidnapped by ISIS eagles!
Reports that 3 teenage girls voluntarily joined ISIS is not true! Fact is they were kidnapped by a squadron of swooping ISIS eagles whilst listening to Justin Bieber on their I phones, a deadly sin!
No more Top Gear just Flop Gear from now on!
Global iconic buffoonery show, Top Gear, has been hauled off the TV because Clarkson, who dared once to use the word N++++r believing it was funny, has slung a left hook at his producer, naughty chap!
D&G ask the world to boycott Elton John!
Gay designers, Dolce & Gabbana, have asked the world to boycott gay Elton John because he is a gay dad and they couldn't have children! I wonder why?
English clubs form own Champions League!
Because English clubs perform so terribly in Europe the FA has withdrawn all teams and from a GB competition; at least there's a chance of an English club winning that, in Europe, no chance!
El Classico or El Crappico??
Past classic, Liverpool v Man United, is nearly upon us as far away in Spain a real classic will take place, Barcelona v Real! Did the English "Messi" something up here?
Cameron promises not to serve a third term!
There is a god after all!
Cameron told to wait and see about his request for a new conservatory
David Cameron's request to have a new conservatory in the back garden of number 10 has been put on ice till after the forthcoming General election.
Only 3 Drugs In America's Pharmacopeia "Do anything"
A high ranking official with the FDA made the remark Thursday at a cocktail party. He said "other than this whiskey the only thing medicine has to offer is penicillin, tranquilizers, and amphetamines"
White Power morons march into Manchester!
In a city normally divided by red or blue a third party preaching White Power decided to let everybody know Jurassic morons are still alive! I would suggest sending them to Auschwitz!
Woodpecker whacking weasel is ISIS mole
Leaked MI5 reports show that an ISIS mole known as "the weasel" returned to London recently and well, you know the story. The Woodpecker fought off the weasel, who is being treated for PTSD...
'Pee Power' Toilet Generates Electricity
A prototype toilet which uses urine to generate electricity has been launched on a UK university campus. Hopefully they will slash their prices.
Sensational clue in MH370 mystery!
After a year of investigation, investigators have divulged a sensational clue to the world about MH370, and here it is:
"We know nothing!"
Nigel Farage Blows Gasket at claims he cant Handle Criticism.
Nigel Farage is furious over the suggestion that he doesn't handle criticism well after claims that his new book, 'The Purple Revolution' is rubbish.
Indian students are cheats; SURE!
Bihar University, India: Students taking exams are cheating by hanging on to open window frames and receiving completed exam papers from fellow students. Maybe the university should get some glass!
The Hillary Has to Make a Quick-Change in Order to Appear in Public
Known to insiders is that Hillary has to don those sail-maker crafted pants suit only for public events. Mandated by all Clinton funding from those Arab states, she must be in strict purdah elsewhere.
Plans for Bergdahl Post-CourtMartial Leaked
Another leak from the Empire Palace reveals Barack I will appoint Beau Bergdahl--after his court-martial--as His Excellency's Ambassador to the Taliban, given Bergdahls' extensive connections there.
Lumber Liquidators slapped with class-action suit that deadly chemical is boring
Uh, correction! That should read: 'class-action suit over deadly chemical in flooring'
Massive hemorrhoid to whiz past Earth this Passover
God's way of saying enough with the braised brisket and whorseradish source, really messing up the celestial digestion
Drug Endorsement Administration blamed for handling of agents' sex parties with hookers
Should have subcontracted to a DC Madam just like every other government department
President Obama will host Pope Francis in the Fall
That's the Decline & Fall Of The Holy Roman Empire, guys.
Dozens of sharks spotted swarming around oil rig
That's loan sharks, sniffing blood as news of BP profits tumble goes viral
Pennsylvania politician says randy celebrities signed re-election petitions
Blames too much cheap ObamaCare Viagra doing the rounds
Head of world's largest uranium producer dies at 44
Rest of body bound to follow soon
Ponzi schemer who stole $60M from independent film king pleads mitigation
Says he was on a Bernard Madoff internship sponsored by Enron
Tsarnaevs' terrorism lair 'looked like a bomb site'
Highly surprising, considering.
Top military brass resisting calls to lift transgender shirt
No, wait! that should read 'shirtlitfer ban'.
WTF 'Your subway's late because of a surge in unruly passengers?'
Onion ring-eating grossly obese travellers blocking your commute?
Reports coming in that cops take down NYC commuter train heroin ring
Rumoured replacement said to be the Colorado Springs Weed Line, coming to a subway station near you
Parents claim nuns cashing in by closing Montessori preschool
Sure, there isn't a decent cat house for at least ten blocks round here, but Mother Superior shouldn't be so damn grasping
De Blasio praises school despite crap test scores
Headteacher demands Hizzoner takes detention for messing up his math grades
NY Stock market riggingno longer a conspiracy theory
Tin foil hatter vindicated as insider trading tip stands to make him a cool million bucks
SEC chief takes aim at predatory traders in 'dark poos' scandal
Big black shits going down the pan says SEC boss Mary Jo White
Heinz merging with Kraft in $36B deal to create 'global food giant'
Attorneys for Jolly Green Giant Sweetcorn Corp beg to differ, slap lawsuit on Heinz merger proposal
Yoga outfit 'said to stretch truth in regards to assets sale'
Sounds like a story about some keep fit fanatic hooker's Spandex gusset bursting just as she's about to blow a John
American Apparel wants models, not 'Instagram hoes'
Instagram retaliates, says it wants American Apparel sluts, not models
Britney Spears reported taking pre-Viagra to keep up with kids
Uh, make that pre-Algebra!
Drew Barrymore reads Dr. Seuss when dumbing down
Such downmarket trash, no wonder they say her kids aren't exactly Einstein
Ben Stiller still moaning that Joan Rivers 'didn't like me' and we never made quiche
Blame the mess he made of quinoa ratatouille for the never ending feud
Sam Taylor-Johnson out of 'Filthy Shades' sequel
Says things getting just too damn grubby and might damage her reputation
Daniel Day-Lewis spotted dining with designer Domenico Vericca
The pair might make some comfortable slip-on loafers together maybe for the burgeoning fungal nail disease footwear market
Hollywood power players attend Brian Grazer's pre-Solstice hooker party
So what else is new?
Who says Jennifer Lawrence is going to play Patty Hearst?
Uh, the studio boss waving the $20m pay check?
Cameron told to wait and see about his request for a bee hive.
David Cameron's request to keep Bees in the back garden of number 10 has been put on backburner till after the forthcoming General election.
Coffee Chain Stirs Debate With Holocaust Themed Establishments
Glenn Winn, CEO of the Social Bean defended his decision to raise awareness of social injustice though his business establishments. "Coffee can get us talking about more than that Ferguson race thing"
Kerry Ordered to Stay in Switzerland by His Handlers
Foreign Minister Kerry will stay put, not due to Iran-will-nukem talks, but on orders from his VietCong superiors. They want further intel to advance their joint scheme with Putski to conquer Europe.
Palace Orders Hit on Former DIA Intel Chief
Emperor Barack I, fuming over MidEast reality check by LtGen Davis on Sunday, ordered a hit on the General, palace spies report. Word is Terminator-in-Chief Valerie Jarrett got the nod.
Missing Swedish 15 year old with Ass Purgers found at Penn Station
Claims she'd been sent there to have colonic irrigation treatment for a minor stutter
Ebola-suspected student claims hospital treated her like a nutter
Suing the NYC Mammorial Hospital for putting her in straight jacket instead of taking her temperature and taking her seriously
Hosedown news as Israeli mole flushes out Assad chemical weapons cache
The dictator was storing sarin in his palace's chemical composting toilet, a birthday present from Prince Charles
Google backpeddles in new porn policy, erases millions of ancient hookers from the net
'Let that be a lesson to all scrubbers over the age of 30,' CEO Larry Page says, 'including that silly tart Chelsea.'
New York Toast says Gwynnie Paltrow is getting into the Juice game
Actress appears to be major investor in Canary Juice futures, makers of truth drug sodium Pentothal.
What do NYC feminists really, really want in a man?
Same as everybody else - a big cock, plenty of dosh and clean underpants
FEMA finds evidence of fraud in Sandy reports
Hurricane Sandy? Or Clinton con man Sandy Berger, biggest Dem asshole since Al Gore
Accused American sex offender minister arrested in Brazil waxing salon
Claims to be Minister for Foreign Affairs, requiring lots of de-hailing in the private quarters
WTF 'Prince William's Japan visit rekindles memories of Diana'??
Something about that fucked-up Fukushima nuclear reactor reminding William about the ex-Princess of Wales?
Jihadi beheader Emwazi said MI5 made him feel like 'a dead man wanking'
Always suspected necrophilia his abuse of choice!
Netanyahu heads to USA for hysteric showdown
Bookies offer odds of 5/4ON that the visit will end with massive punch up in the Fright House
Palace Says Prince William Will Tackle China Trade
Yeah, just what we need, another taxpayer-funded scrounger flogging cups and saucers to the foreign masses
Apple Boss Says Invasion Of Privacy Is A 'Basic Human Fright''
Blames George W Bush and Tony Blair for starting the hysteria that scammed the whole world
Man Attacks Disabled Father With Mounted Antlers
Claims the disability is all in the head, generations of ancestors all had mounted antlers and never moaned about it
Palace Announces Event in Netanyahu Speech Time Slot
Imperial Narcissist Barack I will speak in the Rose Garden while Israeli PM addresses Congress. Emperor's theme:"The Incredible, Marvelous Essence of ME!" Queen of Sheba Rice will enforce attendance.
In answer to WTF Would It Look Like If The Dowager Co*ntess Left Downton Abbey
Only partially brain-dead ITV viewers would notice, nobody else gives a flying fuck
LAPD Skid Row Shooting Shows Importance Of Body Camera Technology
Poor tramp had a camcorder wired to his cardboard box, capture entire police assault on vid
White House Task Force Calls For Improvements In Police Shootings
So it's back to Bullett School for Bill Bratton & Co as well as compulsory eye, piss and mental health tests. What could possibly go wrong?
Robbers steal $5m in North Carolina gold heist
Cops post pics of the notorious 'Nugget Brothers' suspected of carrying out the snatch
Startling headlines reveal that 'Garcia switches position on Obama presidential library'
WTF Grateful Dead's Jerry Garcia doing getting involved in such trashy stuff?
Ukraine death toll sores past 6000
Mostly from bed sores as thousands of injured left in makeshift hospital beds with no change if dressings
IKEA head says Iran inquiry continues
Damn Ayatollah's have returned 3 million self-assembly National Consultative Assembly speakers' chairs, apparently much too squeaky for Persian tastes
Cops say they know why someone built an underground bunker in Toronto
Looks like Preppers stocked up on ice cream, frozen pizza, beers and Colorado pot ahead of widely anticipated Armageddinouttahere stuff
Emperor Finally Issues A "Secure Borders" Edict
Barack I degreed today all borders of the US Empire shall be sealed to prevent entry of the "undesirable alien" Bibi Netanyahu. Chief of Secret Storm Troopers, Eric Holder, will personally enforce it.
Hundreds of Pakistani parents jailed for refusing to indoctrinate kids
Ah, make that vaccinate, the brainwashing's just fine
Crazed woman digs up dad's grave, finds only cigarettes and vodka
Now WTF did Pa hide the TV remote control?
Slain Russian opposition leader's girlfriend adopts the Sphynx Position
See No Evil, Hear No Evil advice coincides with Moscow's broken CCTV system on night of the shooting
Boris Nemtsov Murder In Russia
Strangely, 22 CCTV cameras in the Kremlin were 'switched off' for maintenance or gave fuzzy images at the time of Nemtsov murder. Like the CCTV cameras in the Alma tunnel when Princess Diana died.
Minority Leader Looking For New Cry Catalysts
Nancy "BooHoo" Pelosi now feels bereft since Netanyahu's departure. She's looking for new stimuli to squirt tears over. Said one waggish Congress person: "Hey, BooHoo, how 'bout looking in a mirror?!"
'Villa Fans' Invasion of Pitch' mindless behaviour
But the shouting of sexually - based taunts at a female Assistant Ref, just a bit of banter
Women seeking happiness should do some drugs, take the Pill
Timely government arvice ahead of Mothers Day
Insurer won't cover treatment for woman's rare brain disease
Says she may be certifiable but nothing will ever cure her if she's determined to vote for Jeb Bush 2016
Key Medical Bits Missing from Reports on Harrison Ford's Condition
Curious public demands the right to know complete record of actor Ford's medical condition post-crash.Minimal details have been released.Missing:Scrotum state,prostate prognosis,ingrown toenails,more?
"For my next ladies and gentlemens!"
Having finally collected enough cereal coupons to get his free Harry Potter wand Do-nothing-Dave Pledges to open 500 New Free Schools....coming soon: flying pigs and hen's teeth..."jus' like that!"
Police Forces Lose Track Of 396 Sex Offenders!
.....try sifting through the Conservative Party lads!!!
All Points Bulletin for Kerry Issued in Paris
The French have been charged by Barack I,US Emperor,to seek out Foreign Minister Kerry,as he fled from Nuclear sell-out talks with Iran. Police were pointed to the Paris sewers, Kerry's natural abode.
Yeti Encountered In Himalayas
'This event might have provided conclusive, photographic proof of the yeti,' said a spokesman. 'Sadly, all shots used selfie sticks, and the creatures were obscured by the photographer's friends.'
Mirror Group Phone Hacking Caused Japanese Tsunami Claims Celebrity
'I am not exaggerating,' the celebrity told the High Court in London, 'either due to justifiable anger or a wish to maximise a damages payment.'
UKIP is 'Colour - blind' party
Though their supporters are ultra sensitive to tones, like black and white
Duchess of Cambridge potential threat
In her recent visit to the set of 'Downton Abbey', Kate was security screened. When announced as : 'A Modern Duchess ', Security interpreted this to mean an Eastend Gangster's Mother.....
Woman Hired for the Same Pay as the Men
Male employees are furious about this change in practice and they want a 23% raise to compensate.
Ikea Bans Hide-And-Seek In its Stores
................the poor sods were merely trying to find the way out.
Tearful Duo Forms Joint Venture in US Empire
Emperor Barack I and "BooHoo" Pelosi share their sorrow over triumph of PM Netanyahu in Israeli election. They plan to go on the road with their tear-throwing act at sad-sack, Empire Liberal venues.
Archbishop Of Canterbury Reassures Anxious Fundamentalist Christians About Solar Eclipse
'This is a normal astronomical phenomenon,' the archbishop reassured anxious fundamentalist believers. 'It does not mean that God is angry with you.'
Nuns invade altar where Pope saying Mass
Congregation thought they were Villa Fans on Stag Weekend
Collie Dog joins Teaching Staff of Primary School
The dog helps encourage pupils learning, but Ofsted say her Diploma out of Date
Animals May Help Predict Earthquakes -Study
nothing new here, my cat reaches 5.1 on the Richter scale every time he craps for England!!
Church Appoints Its Second Woman Bishop
.....due to a dire shortage of choirboys!