Spoof news snippets from August 2015
There were 39 spoof news snippets published in August 2015. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Premiership starts with a massive hangover!
Not only binging Premier Clubs throwing millions out of the window have a hangover, players do too. Angel (well he thinks he is) Di Maria had a stinking hangover in Manchester and went AWOL, ARSEHOLE
Facebook launches new family proximity app.
Facebook on Monday unveiled a new app which alerts users to family members and spouses located within 100 yards, encouraging them to start a conversation or even a relationship.
Donald is a lame duck!
The US have chosen their next president because they've had enough of lame ducks and prefer a hard-nut pussy!
Thank heavens there's not another K in KK!
Kim Kardashian is missing a K and if she had another one that would be real news, but sadly she only has a Big B and 2 huge BB's and her dad is jealous!
Hair to Trump - "You're Fired!"
After deep reflection, Donald Trump's hair has decided to part ways with the candidate most commonly known for his inappropriate comments on immigrants. According to records, his hair is Latino.
The infamous congregation mistakenly installed a large anus with a breast pump attached to it, instead of a fountain. Pastor has commented, "now God hates us!" 5 Members burned themselves alive.
Joe Biden enters race
Joe Biden confirmed a run for the White House. He said the main reason was sexism against Hillary. "It's sad you know, some people just couldn't stand to see a broad in the White House"
Trump Buried in Heaps of Ties and Colorful Socks
With only a few hours until the much-anticipated debate, Donald Trump appears indecisive about what outfit to wear. "There are piles of clothes thrown everywhere," stated his aide nervously.
Trump Fires Hairstylist
"You're fired!" Donald Trump bellowed to his personal hairstylist yesterday.
"It's about frickin' time!" muttered the FuxNews reporter who's been following him like a lost puppy all week.
Post GOP Debate Rand Paul Is Engaged in Doing What He Loves
Aided by Chris Christie during the GOP debate, Rand Paul is now pursuing his passion and has turned it into an entrepreneurial venture. He's now blowing hot air into Hot Air balloons for profit,
Clinton and Trump Plan For the Future Post-16 Election
NY Squib.com reports The Donald and Hill are jointly collaborating on a book titled "Prevaricating to Bamboozle Dumb-Cluck Yahoos for Fun and Profit."Based on polls to date, future sales are assured.
Emperor Invites CBS's '60 Minutes' to Tour of His Sanctum Sanctorum
Barack I hosted 60min simperers on a tour of his shrine to dictators, proudly showing a lock of Hitler's hair, Mussolini's scalp wax, and one of Hugo Chavez's colostomy bags.All were prostrate in awe.
In response to rider demand, Uber now offers uberDREAM
Uber has just released uberDREAM, which allows you to request a ride in your sleep. Despite strong interest prior to its release, Uber has complained that no one has used it to request a ride.
Two drunk Man United fans were arrested on Wednesday. Sources say they were talking about winning the Champions league
Eat The Rich
MPs want to bring back fox hunting. So they can get in practice for when they chase the greatest game of all. The poor
John Boehner Admits: I Am a Woman!
John Boehner today admitted what many have suspected for years, he has a vagina. "I have wanted to bring out the truth for so long said Joan through his tears, now I can cry and nave mascara run!
Seagulls NOT involved
The demises of several small dogs have involved natural causes and no seagulls were involved, say under - employed
sea- side cops.
Will Donald Trump run as an Independent?
Maybe. Maybe not. At this point, even the Independents (there's not really such a party, is there?) just want him to go away. Mars would be good. Uranus better.
Donald Trump says "Puerto Ricans are his least favorite Mexicans" -
And he still insists he'll win the Hispanic vote. Even if you covered that mop with a sombrero until voting day, you won't get one Latino vote, gringo!
Megyn Kelly is very upset with Donald Trump's debate reactions --
Now, now, cupcake...Did you really expect The Donald to be suave and debonair when you acted like a witch on wheels? Do filthy rich guys or Fox blabbermouths get their wealth from such attributes?
The Republican Party hates Donald Trump -
And the feeling's mutual. The wannabes and hacks have been trumped by a real blabbermouth with the spine of a coast-to-coast railroad! It's not the caboose, but the engine that'll run you over.
Donald Trump insists his hair is real and not a toupe' -
"It's mine, it's all mine...My parents left me with really great hair roots and a quarter of a gawdzillion buckeroos. I've galvanized their money and it went right to my head!"
Donald Trump's ratings go higher with every insane rant & insult -
"I never knew politics was so much fun. I can hardly wait to get to the White House, walk into the kitchen, and yell at the kitchen staff - 'You're fired!'"
Donald Trump says 'diamonds are a girl's best friend' -
"Whenever I have lady problems, I go right to the jeweler and buy diamonds. Even though Megyn Kelly's married, I should've bought her a rock. Dag nab! Now I want to throw one at her!"
21-year old Sleeps Thru Planet Pluto Breakthrough
A 21-year old man just woke up after a month of sleeping. "Yo, that mudderfuckin' dog keeps popping up everywhere. What's he so famous for?"
Trump trades places with North Korea's Leader
While visiting North Korea to play golf with Kim Jong-Un, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un devise a plan to trade places as a "joke." They both make pouty faces and throw tantrums when no one notices.
Trump states "Kim Jong-Un" is Just Like Me
Donald Trump is proud to be compared with Kim Jong-Un, leader of North Korea. "He doesn't want short people with accents crossing over his border either."
Trump Involved In Bribing Scandal
Presidential hopeful Donald Trump was caught bribing himself in order to gain influence in political affairs.
Blue Balls Creamey Introduces Second New Ice Cream Flavor
Blue Balls Creamery has released the name of the second flavor to be released when the ice cream goes back on store shelves: Mysteria.
Do-nothing-Dave to emigrate to Australia to avoid worsening migrant crisis
..........begins surf board training while on holiday in Cornwall.
Miley Cyrus comes out as media whore
Although we have all known it for years the former Hannah Montana star today confirmed that she was indeed a media whore willing to do anything and everything to get column inches.
Corbyn's Coffee Cup Sold On eBay For £51
Camerons underpants struggling at .99p or 'Buy it now' 50p
L.A.P.D Weighs in on Jenner's Transformation
"Bruce Jenner drove like a prick," said a police spokesman. " Caitlyn drives like a cunt. Any questions?"
X-Factor opening edition down 1million viewers compared to 2014.
....keep up the good work and this crap could sink like the Titanic within weeks
Malaysian Protesters Demand PM's Resignation..
..............send them over here and with luck we can get rid of Do-nothing-Dave!
The MOD have spent "£2million" on parties in the last year! Celebrating the success of Iraq, Libya and Afghanistan I presume
One Direction are to pursue solo projects. So instead of one terrible album were getting five. Hang on....lads get back together!
Robbie Williams has apologised for boozy Brits holidaying in Spain. So I'll take this chance to apologise for Robbie Williams
Scientists have found sharks that live in a "active underground volcano" or as I call it "Bond villain HQ"