Spoof news snippets from September 2014
There were 126 spoof news snippets published in September 2014. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Psychics predict world didn't end yesterday.
Yesterday a top Psychic predicted that the world didn't end the day before. And strangely enough it didn't.
God Admits in Interview That He Made Up the Making the World in 7 Days Myth
The Almighty admitted He was in a whimsical mood then & that it actually took a few decades. He also said coveting your neighbor's ass was ok since it was just admiration of some of His best work.
Iron Man Booted Out of Avengers for Drunken Flying..Again!
Captain America and Hulk met the press to make the sad announcement that Iron Man was no longer a member of the Avengers due to his alcoholism. "He PROMISED it wouldn't happen again!" said the Hulk.
Queen striped searched at Scottish border.
The Queen on her way to Balmoral Castle was stopped by border Officials and made to strip because they had reason to believe she was in possession of Rhino horn. Buckingham palace declined to comment.
Cameron gives US all clear to Attack Scotland.
David Cameron Yesterday gave the US full backing to attack Scotland should ever oil be-found, and as a precaution sent warships to the area. Scottish MPs are furious and put troops on red alert.
Justin Bieber to Strip for Charity
Justin Bieber, who recently stripped on national TV, continued his creepy new habit of taking his clothes off by announcing that he will strip for Eddie's Kids. Eddie is a top porn producer.
Man dead after Sloppy iOS 8 update.
A 24-year-old student died yesterday after attempting to update his iphone 5 with iOS 8. Police say how he died remains unclear but said that neighbours heard a loud scream followed by a bang.
Driving age moved forward in UK to 58.
In a bid to ease congestion on British Roads the Government today have moved the driving age forward to 58. Anyone caught driving below 58 faces immediate prosecution.
Britain's first food bank supermarket opens in Hull.
Britain's first food bank supermarket opened yesterday in Hull and owners say they plan to open another 12 by next year.
David Cameron considers spare toilet tax.
Spare toilet tax is being considered by the government in a move which could see more money being extracted from the poor. Labour are furious with the plans.
Ferguson Police to Lay Off 3 Black Officers
Ferguson Police say that their experiment to hire black police officers to stem the violence in the predominantly black city has failed. They will lay off all black officers and not hire any more.
Donald Trump in Negotiations to Buy Great Pyramid
"I plan to open up the side for a porch and put a few new entrances on it and it will be a casino on one side and a few high-rise parking lots on the other side-and a large cell tower on top." said T.
Pamela Anderson Nude Shocker!
Pictures of "actress" Pam Anderson were illegally downloaded from the Apple cloud and it was a shocker when in ALL the pictures she was fully clothed!!
Jupiter Demotes Earth to Non-Planet
News from Jupiter is that they no longer consider Earth large enough to be a planet. When asked about Mercury, which is smaller than Earth, Jupiter said "Mercury doesn't have an attitude like Earth."
Daryl Hannah Breaks Up With Neil Young
I get confused sometimes but as soon as he started playing Heart of Gold instead of Sweet Caroline, I realized that I had gotten Neil Young and Neil Diamond mixed up," said Ms. Hannah on her break-up.
Obama Discovers Daughters Dropped Out of School and Split
President Barack Obama was shocked to discover that his two daughters, Malia and Sasha, dropped out of school and moved to Canada a year ago.
"We just got tired of living in a fishbowl" they said.
Special lane for people who like to text while walking.
The Government announced there will be new lanes on all the roads in the UK for the people who chat on their phones while walking. Only people with smartphones will be allowed to use this lane.
Bachmann Retires, Comics Chagrined
While watching soon-to-be-former-Rep. Michele Bachmann say tell she is a "normal real person who must retire," comics realized that their acts would not be quite as funny.
Ferguson Police Department Starts Own Air Force
Ferguson, MS. has announced that they will be purchasing planes and helicopters in order to start their own air force, which they say is needed in light of recent events.
Joan Rivers Kicks Johnny Carson's Ass in Heaven
The first thing Joan Rivers did when she got to heaven was seek out Johnny Carson and kick his ass. "That's for shunning me all those years, you SOB!" shouted Joan.
Taylor Swift and Katie Perry to Have Arena Battle to Settle Differences
Arch-rivals Taylor Swift and Katie Perry have only one thing they agree on-they love being the center of attention in large arenas. The "singers" announced that they would battle it out with a tour.
Donald Trump and Dick Cheney Play Round of Golf, Both Claim Record Scores
Dick Cheney and Donald Trump both announced after their round of golf together that they each had shot an 18, a hole-in-one on every hole.
iPhone 6 breaks up into little bits when hit with hammer.
Another bad day for Apple when it was discovered that when there new iphone 6 was hit with a hammer it breaks up into little pieces. Apple who were made aware of the flaw declined to comment.
"I Made Up Global Warming" Admits Gore
"I needed a new campaign hook and that bit about me inventing the Internet just wasn't going to fly so I just thought up that one," said Al Gore, Nobel Prize winner and former Vice-President.
Man stuck in lazy body.
A man from Hackney who had his benefits stopped for refusing to work yesterday won a Court case against the DWP after his Doctors told the Court that he was a very active man stuck in a lazy body.
Guy Suing Subway Over Sandwich Length.
A retired engineer from Norwich is taking sandwich makers Subway to the high court for serving a Chicken & Bacon
ranch melt 4mm below advertised length. Subway added " the man is a prat"
Jimmy Saville to be questioned by police through a meduim.
Police are to question Jimmy Saville over alleged crimes he commited when he was alive through a meduim. Savilles family are said to upset by the idea.
Ed Miliband voted Honorary Chairman of the Nodderist Society
The annual convocation of Nodderists unanimously elected Miliband as their Honorary Chairman. Nodderists champion those moments when you can't remember what comes next, so Edster was uncontested.
Shocking Nude Photos of Keith Richards and Betty White Uploaded to Internet
Many people became ill and more were blinded as they accidentally viewed nude pictures downloaded from the Apple cloud of Keith Richards and Betty White. Hospital workers have been placed on call.
Louie Spence Sues Orange Giants
Spence announced today he would be taking orange magnet Satsuma to court and suing them for £300 after the years of humiliation he has suffered whenever he has tried to ask for the oranges in public.
NATO Announces a Rapid Response Force
Wales-NATO nations say that they will form a "Rapid Response Force" for the purpose of getting out of Putin's way when he engages in future European invasions.Said NATO Secy:"C'est la mode naturelle."
Obama Taps VP Biden for New Role
Wales- Before departing the Summit, Obama named loony "Uncle Joe" Biden as Ambassador-in-Loco to Russian-Separatist-held Ukraine. The Pres's expectation is that Putin will quickly dub Joe "Idiotski."
Deadly albino cobra menaces LA suburb
Zoologists reckon it's probably a relative of some radioactive albino lobsters caught off Maine last week
OMG! Hackers break into HealthCare.gov
Steal fifty million digital condoms and half a kilo of dental novocaine
"Make my day punk!"
Dirty Harry strikes again, Kate up the duff with Damien 2.
President's ISIS Plan Is Top Video Game
Obama's ISIS plan to combat terrorism, while not lighting fires in Congress, has been adapted into a video game and IPhone application that has quickly become the most popular in the nation.
Andrew Madoff left all his $16M fortune to family...
...of Siberian Mongoose who faced ruination following dad Bernie Madoff's crazy Russian wildlife escapade
Child porn suspect found living with 50 dead cats stuffed in freezer
Guess the guy must have really been into frigid pussy
Scottish Businesses Try To Sound Upbeat About A Possible 'Yes' Vote
'Independence could be good for Scotland,' said a spokesman for Scottish Industry, 'as long as the border could be moved closer to Thurso.'
Obama to deploy 3,000 doctors to combat ISIL
The United States announced on Tuesday it will send 3,000 doctors to help combat the Islamic terrorist group, ISIL, as part of a ramped-up plan, including a major deployment in Syria.
A voice in the wilderness.
Oh dear, are they about to get their hooks into the 'Peter Pan' of pop I wonder?
September 19th Is 'International Talk Like A Pirate Day'
People throughout the world are being encouraged to use expressions such a 'Ahoy matey' and 'We're from Mogadishu, and we're taking control of this oil tanker.'
"Salmond gutted" laughs Cameron after win
David Cameron said he is chuffed Scotland has decided to keep with the UK ... Then announced plans, that in Oct, England will be holding its own referendum on weather we want Scotland as a part of UK.
Scottish refugees flood England. Salmond troops take to streets
1000's flee Scotland - Salmond orders personal army 'the Scotch Guard' to take to streets and beat up referendum NO voters. LATEST: Over 300 hospitalized-40 people attacked by Alex Salmond himself!
Plymouth University Has Agreed To Spend £150,000 On Seven Chairs For Graduation Ceremonies
'Some of the cost,' said Professor David Coslett, deputy vice chancellor, 'will pay for a PR consultant to try to avoid us looking ridiculous in these days of austerity and rising tuition fees.'
Scottish Referendum Highlights Lack Of People In Scotland
'I was astounded,' said a typical Englishman, 'that the population of Scotland numbers less than 70% of the population of Greater London. What was all the fuss about? There's hardly anyone there.'
Only 38% of Americans Can Name the 3 Branches of US Government
Recent poll results indicate vast majority of US citizens dumber than ever before. Cyber addicted, they flock to the latest Apple phones, seeking to redouse themselves in brain-dead video apps. Ugh!!
Police Make Six Arrests After Separating Groups Of Skirmishing Unionist And independence Supporters In Glasgow
'The referendum has clearly honed the Scots' organisational skills,' said an observer. 'It's less than 24 hours after the vote, yet Glaswegians have already formed rival gangs and started fights.'
Chief Executive Of NewsCorp Accuses Google Of Cynical Management
Chief Executive of NewsCorp, Robert Johnson, believes that Google cynically uses its influence to disadvantage other news providers. 'Believe us,' said Mr Johnson, 'we are experts on this subject.'
White House jumper made it through the front door
Luckily security service soon nabbed the wooly pullover on sheer bad taste grounds
3-D printer being sent to lonesome International Space Station cosmonauts
Absolutely no truth in the vile rumor that the machine will soon be churning out blow-up latex dolls
ISIS renegade fighters terrified of being killed by deadly female attack squad...
...of indigenous Kurish black widow spiders!
Scotland's leader Alex Salmond quits after 'no' vote on independence
An insufferable second career on Strictly Come Dancing beckons....
Every rip-off helps.
Tesco Suspends Bosses Over £250m Profit Error.......after years of fiddling the public with inflated prices they are now fiddling themselves!
Survey reveals that terrorists are just as confused as the general public on how best to refer to the Islamic State
Terrorists can't agree on an acronym for the Islamic State, a survey revealed. An al-Qaeda official said that he randomizes among IS, ISIL, and ISIS each time he refers to his competitor.
60% of all bottled water is diluted.
Bottled water is the world's fastest growing beverage, but consumers would be better served by simply turning on the taps as studies show 60% of bottled water may have been diluted.
Man botches suicide.
A man from east London was in a critical condition last night after he attempted to hang himself with his own braces but ended up smashing his skull into the ceiling. He was found by a neighbour.
Donkeys reunited at Polish zoo after sex scandal story
Apparently they humped the current Pontiff and got a sainthood just like Pope John Paul II himself
Restaurant tried hooking unsuspecting customers with opium noodles
I mean, POT noodles are so passe...
Man who crowdfunded a measly $10 potato salad gets $55,000
Expect he's off to cash in his chips
Trump Defends Campaign Tactics
"Unrelenting aggression and stupidity are as American as apple pie," said the candidate.
Brother wherefore art thou ?
George Clooney ties the knot in Venice......leaves suicide note.
Government lift smoking ban in pubs after dramatic rise in cockfights
All smoking bans in pubs will be lifted after a leaked government report spoke of stemming the rise of working class smokers buying cockerels on the black market for sport.
Maria Shriver's Affair With Notable California Native Revealed
News broke today re torrid affair Ex-Cal-Gov-Ex had with a prominent California naturalist --Sasquatch. Shriver said: "He's always been my preferred squeeze, manlier than Arnie, and he smells better."
Joplin High to Change Mascot
Joplin High School has reopened its doors after 3 long years. Joplin will no longer call themselves the "Cyclones." Suggestions for a new mascot can be submitted online.
Gary Barlow 'settling tax affairs ASAP'
"I've made a huge donation to the Tory party plus I'm going speak at conference so it's all settles" Barlow told the BBC's Newsbeat.
Latest Leaks From Cloud Services Send Hackers Scrambling Out of the Net
Amazon Cloud Center- Jeff Bezos ordered IT Adminstrators to deliberately release nude photos of Rosie O'Donnell, Joan Rivers, Whoppie Goldberg, & Betty White, resulting in a mass exodus of hackers.
Joan Rivers is dead...
....again! Her agent is negotiating a cameo role in The Walking Dead.
Tortoise faces eviction flat after owner dies
Animal rights campaigners were up in arms last night after hearing that after his 98 year old owner died, 'Pale Ale' the tortoise,78, is facing eviction, even though his name is on the rent card.
Man Sues Zoo
A man from Rotherham is to sue London Zoo after being sexually assaulted by a hippopotamus.
Joan Rivers' Death Re-jiggers the Ugh-fex Ratings
Rivers' demise has caused the Ugh-fex Ratings System, which tracks unfunny comediennes with high Ugh factors, to change.Rosie O'Donnell shot up 35 points,Whoopie 25,and Betty White now tops the chart.
Cash in hand grass in tax dodge
A 45 y.o. man was in court today accused of 276 accounts of fraud. After informing on over 200 cash in hand workers since 1973 it seems Al Gut never paid tax on any rewards he received from the DHSS.
Extremely rare indigenous albino lobsters caught in waters off Maine
Turns out it's a pair of fugitive 'blanched' Japanese crustaceans from the radioactive marine reserve near Fukushima nuclear plant
'Deer' spotted running across Golden Gate Bridge traffic
Later reports corrected early sighting, now downgraded from 'deer' to 'lemmings'
Chicago woman killed by falling gargoyle
An omen? Sounds like Return of the Creepy Da Vinci Code!
Newly discovered asteroid to make close pass this Sunday
US president tells everyone to take precautions and stay indoors
Twitter quashes rumors
So many celebrities have posted nude photos on Twitter that the social networking service has had to deny rumors that it's changing its name to "Titter" and referring to posts as "tits," not "tweets."
"'Ello, 'Ello I'm Johnny Cash"
Dyslexic Home Office Minister sends copy of Ring of Fire to Calais by mistake.
UKIP Claims To Have Solved The Ripper Mystery Using DNA
A spokesman for the party said: "We can confirm that Jack the Ripper was a Polish immigrant proving that immigrants have always been bad and we need to get rid of them all."
Dawlish Mud And Straw House Collapses
A traditionally built house of compacted mud and straw has collapsed in a Devon town. The three pigs who own the property have blamed a big bad wolf. 'We'll use bricks next time,' they resolved.
Scottish independence: Queen 'above politics', Buckingham Palace says
However Prince Charles is not so will be sticking his nose in where it isn't wanted.
President Obama Announces Strategy To Combat ISIL
President Barack Obama announced his specific plans today to combat the Islamic State militant group. He reiterated that the United States would never comment on strategy, tactics or timetables.
National Geographic Museum's giant water-living dinosaur unveiled
Damn critter was hiding behind a massive burkha
Ebola survivor's blood used to treat defective US doctor
Defective? Uh, maybe defected! Turns out the quack legged it to Russia years ago
Ex-White House lawyer gets 15 years for spouse abuse
Pleads mitigation because George W bush's waterboarding program accidentally gave him ideas
Teacher asks sixth-graders to compare George W Bush to Hitler
Kids say Adolf a lot less of a scumbag than his grandson Dubya
Michael Moore calls Barack Obama a huge disappointment
Then promptly consoles himself by scoffing down six double cheeseburgers, three sodas, a quart of icecream, two Mars Bars and a packet of Hostess Twinkies. Ain't life sweet.
WTF 'Go inside a glacier and get up close with Alaskan wildlife' ??
Sarah Palin full of PMT again?
New Charity Set Up to Help Street Workers
'Chugger Aid' - the new scheme for charity muggers has today been launched. Its aim is to help support the workers who tirelessly pester office workers on their lunch-breaks, on high street precincts.
Protests At News That Just 3% of England's GCSE Papers Will Be Awarded The New Ultra-high Grade From 2017
'This is just another example of the exam system discriminating against the not-so-bright,' said a spokesman for the 'high grades for all' campaign.
'ello 'ello, anyone there?
Phones4U have finally hung up.
Forgetful terrorist rushes to petrol station to buy last minute 9/11 anniversary present
Yes, YES, YES. Better Together.
Solksjaer 'Leaves' Cardiff City
Norwegian cites a "difference in philosophy over how to manage the club", with this philosophical difference coinciding with the team struggling to win a game
Solksjaer Sacked by Vincent Tan's Cardiff
Baby-faced assassin assassinated by Bond villain
Scottish scholars explain Scotland's "no" vote
Political science professors in Scotland say voters said "no" to independence from England, Great Britain, and the United Kingdom because that's as close as voters could get to a "maybe someday" vote.
Biden corrects the record (again)
VP Joe Biden says he "misspoke" when he characterized Jews as being "Shylocks." What he meant to say, he said, was "merciless moneylenders." He promises to be more "insensitive" in the future.
Roger Goodell's mixed signals: a double standard?
Pressured by women's rights groups, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said players may no longer "head-butt" their wives or girlfriends, but allowed the Cowboys' Michael Sam to butt-head his boyfriend.
France launches airstrike against ISIS (or ISIL)
France announced it has completed its first air strike against ISIS, or ISIL, or "somebody" in Iran, admitting pilots confused their target with Iraq and asked the Iranians' "pardon."
Bill Clinton: U. S. can't win ground war vs. Iraq
Bill Clinton insists the U. S. armed forces cannot win a land war against Iraq "or any other country, no matter how many booties are on the ground, because there are too many gays in the military."