Spoof news snippets from March 2014
There were 1,299 spoof news snippets published in March 2014. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Michelle Obama's Family Tree
Michelle Obama has disclosed that she is distantly related to famed California attorneys Gloria and Ginger Allred.
Wyoming Has Its Reasons
It is illegal in the state of Wyoming to utter the phrase "As the crow flies."
Kim Jong Un Is Fascinated By Miss Ann
The North Korean leader does not like to talk about it but he emails GOP political maven Ann Coulter at least four times a week
He's Just A Good Old Mormon Boy
Paula Abdul has revealed that she once dated Mitt Romney.
David Letterman Reveals An Interesting Item Regarding His Name
Talk show host, David Letterman said that up until six years ago he was seriously thinking about changing his name from David Letterman to David Email.
Paul McCartney Once Dated A Very Famous Singer
Paul McCartney says that during the early days of the Beatles he dated fellow English singer Petula Clark but he broke up with her because she always wanted to go "Downtown."
A Well-Kept Secret About Paris Hilton
Up until now, no one but Paris Hilton's parents and her sister Nicky, knew that Paris's nickname is Flamingo.
Taylor Swift Running Out of Men to Date
Serial dater Taylor Swift, who has been out with every man in Hollywood and written songs about them, announced that she would be holding a lottery to pick her next song victim. So far, no takers.
"Care For Some Toast, Mate?"
John Lennon said that when he and Yoko Ono were married on March 20, 1969, they received a total of 47 toasters as wedding gifts.
Taylor Swift's Guppies
Taylor Swift recently commented that she has three guppies that she named Moe, Larry, and Curly after three of her high school teachers.
If It Quacks Like A Duck, It's A Duck
Oprah Winfrey says that she is sick and tired of having to tell people that her and her BFF Gayle King are not lesbian lovers.
CIA Director Denies Spying on Senate Intel Committee
He giggled as he told reporters that he's just an addicted Internet surfer.
Taylor Swift Talks About Her Ankle Freckle
T-Swizzle recently revealed to Larry King on The Viagra View that she has a tiny freckle on her left ankle that amazingly resembles Kanye "The Pest" West.
Snow, Snow, and More Friggin Snow
A Pennsylvania meteorologist is predicting that the sky could run out of snow within 8 days.
Russia Has Banned All Websites That Are Critical of The Kremlin
An inside source gives the number of sites as 2,902,871 sites (so far).
A Powerful Typhoon Strikes Australia
The Aussie government is reporting that over 600 kangaroos are now living in New Guinea.
Jay Leno Isn't Just Sitting At Home
Jay Leno was seen at The La Brea Tar Pits asking visitors, "Hey, I'm Jay Leno, remember me?"
Ashton Kutcher and Charlie Sheen to Have Fight to the Death
Charlie Sheen and Ashton Kutcher will both appear on the final season episode of Two and a Half Men in a fight to the death. "This is one time Sheen won't be 'winning!'" Kutcher was quoted as saying.
Kim Jong Un to Send Diplomats to Ukraine
Evil dictator of North Korea Kim Jong Un announced he will send 100,000 diplomats to the Ukraine to help solve their political problems. The Ukranians say they smell a rat.
Marijuana Foes Say Hitler Was Pot Addict
Republican foes of the various initiatives to legalize marijuana have released a statement that says that they have just discovered that Hitler was a pot smoker and that it was what made him so evil.
Ann Coulter's Big Secret
Deep down inside Ann Coulter says she would like to be as fat as Kirstie Alley.
Ohio Boy Suspended for Pointing Finger Like a Gun Uses Finger to Poke Teacher in the Eye
In breaking news, the Ohio school child who was suspended for pointing his finger like a gun, showed what he could REALLY do with the finger as he poked the eye of the teacher who had him suspended.
Donald Trump Hints He May Run For President In 2016
Joan "The Queen of Mean" Rivers remarks that the Trumpster will certainly get the ugly hair vote.
Glenn "Teardrops" Beck Makes A Statement
Glenn Beck who is notorious for crying has stated that he has cut down on his weeping to just 4 times a day.
Justin Bieber Pummels Young Fan With Selena Gomez Backpack
Justin Bieber, who recently got up and walked out of a deposition because he was asked questions about his ex-flame Selena Gomez, pushed a young fan who dared to have a Selena Gomez backpack near him.
Drug-Laden Drone Found 'Hovering' Near A Prison
Willie Nelson is asked if it's his and he replies, "Well now that you mention it I am missing one of those suckers."
Venezuelan Doctors Stage A Protest
Instead of the standard tongue depressors, doctors are using their index fingers.
Volcanoes Guard Ice Age Secrets
Scientists are reporting that they have found thousands of dinosaur bones at the bottom of many dormant volcanoes.
World's Oldest Masks Go On Display
Several have an uncanny resemblance to Joan "The Queen of Mean" Rivers.
A 3.4 Magnitude Earthquake Hits Beverly Hills
Authorities report that it did extensive damage to a botox factory.
Kirstie Alley Says A Drone Spied On Her
She said that she read an article on the Internet stating that she wears size 26 panties and added that no one, but no one knew that fact.
Bill Maher Claims That President Obama Is Not Black
Maher said that Obama's mother was a white blonde woman and his father was Don Knotts.
David Letterman Reveals Who He Would Marry If He Wasn't Already Married
The gap-toothed talk show host says he would marry Kat Von D because he is tremendously attracted to women with weird-looking tattoos.
Airplane Still Missing
Those objects in the water were only Amelia Earhart and D.B. Cooper.
Mitt Romney's Big Secret
Old Mittens has admitted that he truly feels in his heart that he could have won the election if only he wasn't so damn rich.
The English Channel Is Going Down
Oceanic scientists report that the English Channel is losing about 9 gallons of seawater per year.
True Facts From Snoops #1015
Snoops: The earliest plants on the earth were blue-green algae and single-celled bacteria. Often there were major wars between them.
The White House Reaches Out To Illegal Aliens
Vice-President Biden says plans are underway for the biggest Piñata Party in the history of Piñata Parties.
The Administration Has Cooked The Books On Deportation
An inside source at the White House has said that since President Obama has been in office no one has been deported.
ABLOW: Pull the Plug on Naked TWITTER Teens.
Teens will be wearing nothing but rings and tattoos in the near future.
Vice-President Joe Biden Is In Poland To Reassure The Allies
Meanwhile Sarah Palin is told to stay in Wasilla and keep her mouth shut.
Simple Meow's Ain't Gonna Cut It
Most cats know when they are about to be neutered and will emit an ear piercing sound that rivals that of a crazed banshee giving birth to a 16-pound baby.
Secretary Kerry's Schedule is Interrupted by a Sudden Trip to Asia
Enroute to Ukraine, Kerry diverted his plane further eastward to land in Ho Chi Minh City. Apparently, it was time for his Viet Cong handlers to reprogram the electronic modules that run his brain.
Anne Heche Develops Severe Indigestion After Eating Ellen DeGeneres Pizza
Former girlfriend of Ellen DeGeneres, actress Anne Heche, stated that when she was offered a slice of pizza at the Academy Awards, that Ellen said she had a "special" piece for Anne. Mmmmm.
Madonna - The Cottage Cheese Matron
Madonna admitted that she's got cellulite and she adds that it just goes to show that rich, talented, and extremely famous women can get that cottage cheese sh*t just like normal women do.
Fukushima Radiation To Hit The West Coast
City officials report that everyone's light bills could be reduced by as much as 85 percent.
Kim Kardashian Challenges Jennifer Lopez to a Butt-Off Duel
Tired of Miley getting all the buzz,the Kimster has called upon Jenny to meet in Madison Square Garden for a No-Buns-Barred Twerking exhibition. Winner will be awarded the Summa Gluteus Maximus prize.
Under new noise abatement laws in the UK, the universe wouldn't exist. "It's that big bang," whispered Simon Lent, head of the UK Noise Abatement Society. "It was too loud, wasn't it?"
Federal Judge Clears Florists To Deliver By Drone
Condom company says Condoms By Air will soon be a reality.
Inspectors Find Flaws In Bangladesh Underwear Factory
An official report states that many bras had three cups.
Piers Morgan Says He May Move Back To Britain
3,919 NRA members offer to help him pack.
Sarah Palin's Amazing Lake Michigan Remark
The latest comment from Sarah Palin: "Ya know, hard to believe but 90 percent of Lake Michigan is covered in ice. The other 10 percent is made up of frozen water."
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer Will Not Seek A 3rd Term
Jan "The Man" Brewer stated that she is just sick and tired of all of the horrible, nasty, and vulgar names that people (mostly Democrats) call her.
White House Announces Obama's Next Entertainment Gig
Today WH disclosed that the President's next role in entertainment realm will be a remake of "PeeWee's Great Adventure"with Obama in the eponymous role attempting to scare(kinda)Russian thug, Putey.
Kim Jong Un Misses Jay Leno
The leader of North Korea has commented that now that Jay Leno is no longer the host of The Tonight Show he has stopped watching it. He added that new host Jimmy Fallon is just way too fidgety.
Hillary Clinton Called Monica Lewinsky "Narcissistic Loony Tune"
Bill: I agree. I took too many sleeping pills and she took advantage of me sleeping in the nude on the desk.
Putin & Merkel-- Shocking New 'Snowden Leak'
Initially acquired by the NSA, The Guardian has published a raunchy 2013 transcript of "Sexting" messages between German Chancellor Angela Merkel and Russian President Vladimir Putin.
David Letterman's Same Sex Concern
David Letterman is concerned about himself because lately he says he has been having sexual fantasies about Jimmy Kimmel.
Close to 100,000 spy cameras hid all over the United States. Rand Paul says that is an understatement. Paul advises a well-placed rock at the illegal cameras.
Gary Busey Says He's Building A Drone
Gary said he got the directions from Paris Hilton (Oops!).
Alec Baldwin Says He's Saying Goodbye To The USA
He stated that he's fed up with the American Paparazzi always asking him if he's bipolar, or an atheist, or gay.
Anderson Cooper Admits He Likes Cher and Kathy Griffin Fighting Over Him
He says that it makes him feel dainty.
Russia Is In The Market For A Piece of Central America
Panama has told Russia that they are not going to sell them the Panama Canal no matter how much they offer.
But The Name Washington Redskins Is Okay?
A tribe of Cherokees living in the USA want the name of the Red Sea to be changed to The Native-American Sea.
One Of Those Don't Ask Situations
Adam Lambert admits that he recently had to go to a med clinic to have some glitter removed from his anal region.
Whoa! And Her Second Choice Was...
A woman in Phoenix, Arizona lost 212 pounds after she had her lips stapled.
True Facts From Snoops #1015
Snoops: Dinosaur remains have been found in Central America. The fossils were discovered last month. Female Crocs and alligators object, saying they are all that old and certainly not fossils.
Lady Gaga spews forth: This is no act
This is actually the way I look and act. I'm just as much an original as all those before me.
FBI Chief Says 3D Printers Should Not Be Making Guns!
Sales still climbing as more guns created. Now they have a 3D Printer that creates 3D Printers.
New Clinton White House Records to Be Released
Admit that 25,000 of 30,000 somehow lost or stolen.
Ellen DeGeneres Is Out as Academy Awards Host--Producers Want More Fisticuffs in the Show
Hollywood-Variety reported today that producers of next year's show have contracted with Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump to do battle in a 15 round no-holds-barred fight as the Awards' main event.
ObamaCare Hanging by Threads?
Cash prizes offered to sign up.
WTF? Vulnerable astrologer with phobia of Phobos...
...found RIP face down with Mars Bar stuffed down throat?
Inspired Guamanians Plan to Annex Hawaii
Strongly motivated by the actions of Thug-in-Chief Putin, the united citizens of Guam plan to annex the Hawaiian islands as part of their territory. Said Guamanian Gov Palm Frond, "Oahu's mine, mano!"
Some Amish Do Use Electricity
An Amish Internet site reports that it gets about 17 hits a week.
A Fruity Subject
700 years ago oranges were actually purple and were known as purples.
Edward "The Nosy" Snowden Strikes Again!
Edward Snowden says he knows the phone numbers and social security numbers of everyone living in the United States.
Fox News' Bill O'Reilly Asserts His Plan for Defense of Ukrainean "Folks"
O'Reilly announced that he will lead a team of mercenaries to Crimea to "kick ass on Putin and defend the Ukrainean folks!" Asked when he was going, O'Man ranted unintelligibly from his limo window.
Finland Had Second Thoughts
Finland outlawed the vowel E in 1958, but reinstated it back in 1960.
Supreme Court Proceedings Were Delayed Today Due to the Absence of An Associate Justice
US Top Court grinded to a halt, cuz Justice Sotomayor was absent this AM. Turns out she was ensconced at a Taco Bell scarfing down new Taco Waffles by the dozen with her binge-buddy Kirstie Alley.
Giddy Up Thar Miss Beulah
An Amish buggy is being sought in a hit and run. Police are looking for a black horse with one hell of a bruise on its side.
Like A Moth To A Flame
Moths are not really attracted to the flame as the cliché states. They are actually attracted to the smell of roasting marshmallows and wieners.
Hillary Presidential Campaign Makes Notable Announcement About Bill's Job in a Hillary White House
Making the most Bill's expertise while President, he will be in charge of screening prospective White House interns. Naturally, he will make extensive use of The First Member in this critical role.
But The Moo's Sound The Same
Most cows have 4 stomachs except those in India, which only have 3.
Say Monique, What's That Smell?
Up until September of 1962, elderly women in Paris wore hats made totally out of cabbage leaves.
House of Representatives Capitol Cloak Room Fun Revealed
An insider tells us that one of the most amusing pasttimes enjoyed by the Republicans on the House Oversight Committee is throwing darts at a board plastered with the mug of Lois Lerner, IRS mum face.
European Royalty Bestow New Title on Obama
Brussels-In an unprecedented joint proclamation the royal houses of Europe have created and bestowed a new title on President Obama. Henceforth he shall be referred to as "His Most Exalted Wimpyness."
McDonalds Still Losing Money
"It's those Senior tours", says CEO. "Yes, they may purchase 50 meals but it takes 4 hours for them to get through ordering and eating."
President Obama Declares War on Winter
President Obama declared war on winter this morning after Washington DC was hit with another terrible snow storm, dropping nearly four inches of snow on the capital city.
ANOTHER Snowstorm Set to Sweep from St. Louis to DC.
George W. Bush, safe at home in Texas, "Bring it on!!"
Due To The Smog Problem Paris Will Limit The Use of Vehicles
The French government says that cars can only be driven between the hours of 5 pm and 7 pm and trucks only between the hours of 2 am and 4 am.
Condoleezza Rice Hits The Nail On The Head
Condoleezza Rice says the Republican Party needs to ban Sarah Palin because her lack of geographic knowledge is embarrassing as hell.
New Demands from Ex-IRS Honcho Lois Lerner on What's Needed for Her Testimony
WashDC-Lerner now states she'll drop the 5th Amendment routine if she: gets her own afternoon show on Lifetime, Dept of Justice castrates the Koch brothers, and she becomes the next Mrs. Larry King.
CNN Poll: Rand Paul Is On Top
Sarah Palin is on the bottom.
Global Debt Hits $100 Trillion
Carlos Slim, Bill Gates, and Warren Buffett offer to lend the world the entire amount.
Massive Brawl Breaks Out At A Los Angeles Fitness Center
Police report that dumbbells were throwing around dumbbells.
Russia Reinforces Military Presence In Crimea
President Putin has sent in a team of 24 Russian Olympic weightlifters.
Pig Virus Cases Are On The Rise
Consumers are urged to chew their bacon at least 18 times.
Egyptians Trained Baboons To Wait On Tables
The practice was stopped when the baboons started demanding tips.
Justin Bieber Won't Take Woody Allen's Calls
"I won't take Woody Allen's phone calls," said Justin Bieber at a press conference, "because ever since I was 7 he has been constantly calling me. He always asks me if I'm still real young-looking."
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