Spoof news snippets from June 2014
There were 104 spoof news snippets published in June 2014. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Youth Sells Box of Oreos Outside Dispensary for Record Amount
An enterprising youth sold one box of Oreo Cookies outside a Colorado marijuana dispensary for $156.
O.J. Simpson Discovers Cure for Cancer!
Incarcerated football player/"actor" O.J. Simpson revealed that he has discovered the cure to all forms of cancer and will reveal it to the world in exchange for being released from prison.
Taliban to Incorporate
The Taliban announced that they are incorporating and selling infidels stock on the NY Exchange.
Satan to Take Vacation, Asks Cheney to Fill in While He's Gone
Satan, aka the devil, has reportedly decided to take a vacation and has asked Dick Cheney to fill in for him while he's gone. "I'm sure most people won't even notice the difference" said Satan.
Scamatology to Modernize With New MySpace Campaign
In an attempt to get the hip and cool kids, Scamatology has started a brand new campaign on that site all the kids are going to, MySpace.
Paul McCartney Planned to Replace Linda With Farrah Fawcett
Paul McCartney had planned to replace Linda McCartney with Farrah Fawcett Majors in his band Wings until a secret audition with Farrah revealed her musical skills to be even less than Linda's.
Scamatology to Begin Offering Coupons
Faced with ever-dwindling numbers, the "Church" of Scamatology announced that they would be offering coupons for brainwashing as well as $camatology celebrity trading cards.
Republican Cruise Ship Ignored by Somali Pirates
Somali announced today that they won't attack Republican Party ships out of professional courtesy.
Wal-Mart Announces They Are Buying Dollar General and Family Dollar
Wal-Mart announced today they would turn their new purchase Dollar General into a check-cashing string of stores and Family Dollar would become a pawn shop chain.
Jesus, Mohammed, and Buddha Break Silence to Warn About Scamatology
Breaking their usual silence, the religious leaders got together to denounce Scamatology and object to it calling itself a "church." "We just couldn't stay silent any longer. Beware of Scamatology!"
Scamatology to Market Rice and Beans Recipe
Tired of hearing ex-Scamatologists say that the only thing they missed about the cult was the rice and beans, Scamatology has announced they will market their own product called Chewey Brown Stuff.
Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-Un, & Robert Mugabe Form Own Club
The heads of Russia, North Korea, and Zimbabwe have formed their own club called Sociopathic Dictators. They get together every third Thursday with the host country providing refreshments.
Maya Angelou Leaves All Her Money to Lindsay Lohan
Surprisingly, it was announced that Presidential Medal of Freedom winner, Maya Angelou, who died May 28, left her entire estate to Lindsay Lohan. "We didn't even know she knew her!" spoke her family.
Bill Cosby is Allergic to Pudding Pops
In startling news, it was revealed that comedian huckster Bill Cosby is allergic to Jello also.
Justin Bieber is Ordered to Attend Egg Sensitivity Classes
Justin Bieber was sentenced to sixty days of egg sensitivity classes after his egging conviction.
Maleficent Revealed to Be Secret ID of Angelina Jolie
Hollywood and Brad Pitt were shocked to discover that Angelina Jolie is in real life Maleficent.
Cheney Blames Global Warming on Obama
Cheney said, "There is no global warming, but if it really existed, Obama would be the cause."
Investigation Discovery to Have Own Network Called the "Nothing but Murder" Network
Because of the popularity of depictions of murders on cable, it was announced that a new cable network to compete with Comcast and DirecTV will be the Nothing But Murder network.
Britney, Justin, and Christina Have Mouseketeer Reunion
Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, Christina Aguilera, Ryan Gosling and Keri Russell held a mouseketeer reunion. Everyone tried to fit into their mouse ears but everybody's head had grown too big.
Kerry Diverts Plane to Paris for Foliicular Maintenance
Although sent by Prince Obama to Baghdad to "kick some ass on Malicki", Secy Kerry ordered his pilot to make an emergency stop in Paris to re-mousse his head-bound floor mop with Parisian sewer gel.
Female Predator & Unindicted Rapist Holds Forth at Maya Angelou Funeral
W.J.Bubba Clinton,female predator extraordinaire & unindicted rapist,had the temerity to discuss Angelou's childhood rape in his oration.Talk about hypocrisy!Where's the outrage?Ask Juanita Broadrick!
Miley Cyrus Rejects New Movie Script Due to Nude Scene
When she read the script for her new movie and it DIDN'T contain a nude scene, Miley nixed the film.
Koch Brothers Buy Tonga As Indoctrination School for Purchased Politicians
The Koch Brothers announced they have purchased Tonga as a school for all the politicians they own.
Susan Rice's Latest Proclamation Draws Tabloid Interest
Wash, DC- The Global Dumpster News reports that National Security Adviser Susan Rice has definitively stated that the West-Kardasian wedding was caused by an anti-Islamist video produced by Fox News.
Most Americans Think Soccer A Sport Only Moms Play
Soccer moms know that the European name for soccer is "futbol," pronounced football. Many American men have been seriously disappointed when they go to a football game in Europe.
Kerry Flies to Brussels in Search of Guidance on Maliki Directive
US Sec of State arrived to confer with European Parliament experts on the directive he received from Iraqi PM Maliki when Kerry informed him about his expected tenure in office: "Stuff it up yerz!"
Clueless, Tone-Deaf Obama Administration Adds to its Herd of Foreign Policy Advisers
Wash,DC-Looking to expand its "bench" of foreign policy expertise, the Administration today called upon "Hanoi" Jane Fonda, "Chavez" Sean Penn, and "Frizzy-head" Richard Simmons to join the core team.
Taliban Five Already Planning Next Lucrative Venture
Qatar-The Taliban Five of Gitmo released fame are working on their next profitable endeavor to kidnap and hold for ransom all of Obama's multitude of half-brothers and sisters. What a gold mine!
Cheney Buys and Burns Down Megyn Kelly's Childhood Home
Cheney says that his burning Megyn Kelly's childhood home is not retaliation for their interview.
Kim Jong-Un Has Perfect Retaliation for Anti-North Korean Movie
Kim Jong-Un announced that the U.S. infidels will quake in fear when they see the movie HE will make. "This will teach them not to mess with the Kims!" Kim Jong-Un shouted. "Next time-double feature!"
Fate of Lerner's Missing Emails Revealed
Wash,DC- National Security Advisor Susan Rice on CNN last night informed the nation that Lois Lerner's 200 plus missing emails were destroyed by a rabble protesting against an anti-Islamist video.
News Leak Reveals What Susan Rice Will Claim on Next Sunday Morning's Shows
Wash,DC-Amalgamated Press reported today that National Security Adviser Rice will proclaim in her upcoming appearances: "Hitler was a misunderstood leader who really had a heroic, admirable career."
Bergdahl Nominated for National Award
Wash,DC- Pres Obama has added to the acclaim given to the recently released Bergdahl. Obama has nominated Bergdahl to receive the Benedict Arnold Award for Notable Traitorous Action while on Duty.
Oxford's Isis Crew Excel in Iraq
Oxford's substitute boat race crew, the Sunny Isis outfit, have pulled off a great victory in Iraq beating the local Shit crew who were last seen running from the scene.
Angelina Above Her Station
Angelina Jolie will chair a global summit on how to prevent mass kidnappings. Afterwards we'll be chairing a meeting on how to fly a spaceship and Gazza will chair one about renewable energy.
England win World Cup!
It is the first time England have won anything since 1966 and now we can all be very proud of our national heroes because it's in the bag; England finished first in the Tiddlywinks WM in Katmandu!
Budd Yolly at the Criquets
A cricketer stood at the wicket, the ball was thrown but he was very slow and then couldn't realise what had happened. He'd been stumped.
Sid the Sexist returns his free Current Bun
Lovable Geordie rascal Sid the Sexist has returned the 'Free Sun'. "It were nowt any good like." he said, continuing "It didny have any tits in it. No tits no way." he continued.
Quentin Tarantino is Actually An Alien!
LA-A conspicuous "outing" today revealed that infamous director Tarantino is actually an alien named "Dusporknikqui451". His earthly mission is to degrade USA culture further,if that's even possible.
Last Dinosaur dies
The last Dinosaur on Earth has died today. The Jokeasaurus died after laughing for 48 hours. This is extremely sad news after the Bantersaurus Rex was presumed dead after he got lost in the forest.
England drop Rooney!
Roy Hodgson has dropped Rooney in the shit because he's crap!
Call Of Dead Duty
A Brit who has joined the ISIS terror group says "war is more fun the COD" wonder if he'll be laughing while he looks for his legs after a drone strike?
Supermarket chain Morrison is to cut up to 2,600 jobs following a 7.1% slump in sales...Capitalism at it's finest.....expect the rest of the overpriced greedy bastards to follow suit!!
Makin' da offer capisce.
Pope denounces 'evil' crime syndicate......disbands Catholic church!
Borg Tennis Collective Assimilates The Planet - Resistance Was Futile
The "Hubba Hoe" Telescope has spotted a Space Ship Death Star moored behind the moon. The ship which is full of professional tennis Borgs has already assimilated The Earth including Wimbledon.
Every little firearm helps!
ISIS may have recruited 1,500 Britains'....good hours, casual easy-clean uniforms, free meals, long holidays in the sun and the chicks are free.....beats Tesco!
Ease up on the KY
Jogger found dead after 'sliding' off Cliff, "I had assumed he was over 16 croaked and elderly Mr Richard.
.........."you want chips with that Senor?"
Hollywood moguls wooing Suarez to star in The Hunger Games:4
...Jim will crucifix it!
Jimmy Savile exposed as clandestine Catholic Priest!
Tories Draw Up Paedophile Shortlist for NHS
London, The Tories have confirmed they are drawing up a shortlist of celebrity paedophiles for key positions in the NHS. "Maggie appointed Jimmy Saville and he did a great job for us."
PETA now makes move on NFL franchise names...
... demands that Dolphins, Jaguars, Falcons and Broncos change their titles to Beautiful Aquatic Mammals, Awesomely Adept Felines, Pretty Predatory Birds and Illustrious Wild Equines.
Celtic appoint Delia as new manager
The former Norwich chair and TV cook will have a 12 rolling contract at Celtic Park. She joins Clermont manager Helena Costa in being a female manager of a male team. Costa was an assistant at Celtic.
Septic Blatter launches weird Fifa bid.
Rio Septic Blatter launched his bid to remain Fifa president by expanding his body outwards, floating high into the air and crashing murderously into a fey youth tending to boxes of flowers nearby.
Millerbound Not Up To Job
Eid Minivans urf den ladel pratty hasbeen demeaned unfeit for his yob. Hay war fund cobbing in de kroner office orifice. He heady cawed iynd mushroom lead incest away. Chimeraman now leat both prattys
Limbs being traded
Doctors are aghast at the news that amputees are swapping prosthetic limbs for mindless sex with Asian prostitutes. Plastic legs are being paid for by Hong Kong tramps with little better to do.
Tory Extremist Scandal
Freak school to be closed after discovery of Tory think tank in headmaster's closet.
It's pronounced 'Jay' not 'Hhhhh'
Britain First have demanded that the Spanish pronunciation of Fajitas and Jalapeños be changed to pronounce the 'J' correctly, even though it makes fajitas sound like a thrush cure.
It is the rise of the Sumo baby with many tots being born at 12lb or over. A concern? No an opportunity for a new sport
One of our sister papers has released a guide on how not to hurt yourself during the world cup. Surely it should just say, "Stay away from Luis Suarez mouth"
England Only Score One Goal
England lost to Italy last night in a somewhat profligate display from the three lions front-line. The press called for more finishers but only Englishers can play for England, finishers for Finland.
Congress investigates itself . . .
. . . in regard to failings in V.A. system, finds no fault.
Former Prime Minister Tony Blare solves Middle East problems by killing everyone there.
Adrian Chiles revelation
Adrian Chiles explains why he is so focused on cheating in football during his post match analysis. "It's cos my wife cheats on me," he said. Not really a surprise, if you think about it.
Horse Boxing Now Legal
A parliamentary bill has declared that horse boxing is now legal. The first event will be after Royal Ascot. This is real progress as only chimpanzee's and kangaroo's were allowed box before.
The Last Words You Will Ever Hear
You are in a queue. Your position in the queue is currently '263''. Thank you for waiting, we appreciate your patience at this difficult time.
Israel PM announces alliance with Al Qaida and Hezbollah
Israel Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, announced today that Israel will enter an alliance with Hezbollah and Al Qaida to fight the United States and Iran.
Don't feel bad.
You may be outside looking in, but oftentimes you're looking in at a snake pit.
Cameron pledges £1bn to people with dementia
"Look you have to be demented to think I deserve a second term." He said at a press conference.
Smart Phone Delay
Samsung have announced that there will be a delay in their next generation of smart phones thanks to a reduction in the amount of phone sex going on.
Did you know a lone bi-sexual women at a swingers party is referred to as a "unicorn"? Probably because they don't exist.
Sniffer dogs my arse!
BREAKING NEWS: Parliament evacuated due to a 'suspicious' package...later confirmed as one of Ed Milibands soiled nappies!
McDonald's to recruit 8,000 young staff. "12 Years A Slave":The Sequel!"
Fear of Anxiety
A new fear of anxiety pill that will also cure "conspiracy theory" phobia has been developed by Prof.Willam.B.Still of the California Medical Research Lab. Available soon,... for those of who can't wait.
Balls to this!
Hodgson to keep job as England manager until Bruce Forsyth becomes available, lets face it his footwork is legendary.
UN: "USA refugee figure passes 150 million for first time"
UN spokesperson, Lotta Boolsheet, issued a report today stating that the number of US citizens forced to leave their homes has exceeded 150 million for the first time since Jimmy Carter was president.
Humanitarian Gesture Applauded
US Congress today ruled that free medication will be distributed to Iraqis suffering from "conspiracy theory".
England Manager Roy Stodge explained the World Cup was a training exercise for the next World Cup.
President Obama Admits to Getting Payday Loans
A few days after Joe Biden one-upped 'dead broke' Hillary Clinton, Obama trumped them both by admitting that he visits a payday loan center at least twice a month.
New Game Goes Viral
A new game 'Spot the Criminal' has resulted in astonishing public participation. It consists of pictures of people leaving 10 Downing Street. There are so many hits the site has exploded.
King Making Royal Jelly Never Fed To Prince Charles
It has been revealed by the Freedom of Information Act that Prince Charles was not fed the vital King making Royal Jelly as a baby drone. This may explain his un-kingly manner and big ears and nose.
Jeremy Hunt wants to ban fast food giants from sponsoring sports teams. After England's performance they'd be lucky to get Rustlers
Mel B's Car Attack
Mel B's car can pump out smoke and drop spikes to defend itself. From what? Who has ever wanted to kill a Spice Girl?
A study has said that the long term inhalation of wood smoke can damage your IQ. Nonsense. Fire is red and good and hot and good. And good.
Howard Baker Dead at 88
Former Senator Howard Baker, the one-time Senate Majority leader known for his ability to reach across the aisle, dies, setting off an acrimonious debate in Congress over how non-partisan he was.
......."balls to you to fella!"
"Come on Andy Murray, bite the bastard!"
David Cameron's England team suffered a 26-2 defeat in the European Cup
12 Years A Slave: The Video Game flops
Sky News to launch channel dedicated soley for Iraqi car bombing reports
Next World Cup winner to be chosen via lottery
Arse about Facebook
"The woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep". Just been on Facebook again.
Change of tack
People with aquaphobia have asked psychologists to stop using flood therapy. "It's just not appropriate," said a spokesperson for the WHO.
Guitar World Cup Shock
Tapes by Guitarist dubbaid sensation.
Susanna Reid to join David Moyes' club
The 'Good Morning Britain' presenter is set to join the former Manchester United manager in the club for fallen chosen ones, after ITV confirmed that 'GMB' was to be axed after the World Cup.
Clegg Keeps Cable Out Of Trouble
Clegg convinces Cable not to Nick the Crown
Armstrong to play Dumbo.
Alexander Armstrong says that he is overjoyed that he has got the part of Dumbo in the Hammersmith Panto. "It's the ears," he said with a grin. "I don't need prosthetics."
Mystery flight now solved
The pilot of Malaysian flight MH-370 had released a song on Itunes just days before he took off into oblivion. It was called "Geepers creepers where did you get that Boeing 777?"
Now we know it all.
Is there a Doctor in the house?
"How come I didn't get wet?" asked the doctor responding to horrible suggestions that he drowned a mouse in his surgery's sink. He will face the MOUSE COURT in a couple of weeks time. Great Scott!!
Minogue changes role
Pop queen, Kylie Minogue, has appeared as a contestant on The Voice, dressed as a man. Minogue did not fool any body, not even Will-I-Am who could tell it was her without turning his chair around.
Minogue under the knife
Pop diva, Kylie Minogue, will have record breaking surgery today when doctors will attempt to remove her vocal chords permanently, causing the loss of her singing voice. Music fans are jubilant. Yes!!
Minogue in trouble
Queen of Pop, Kylie Minogue, has been arrested by French Police and charged with bad singing on her last single. "She is horrible and disgusting!" explained one French gendarme. Minogue is panicking.