Spoof news snippets from July 2014
There were 118 spoof news snippets published in July 2014. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Waterproof Seats fitted in cinemas ahead Of 'Fifty Shades' Film Release
Cinemas across the UK are to have waterproof seats fitted prior to the release of the film version of Fifty Shades Of Grey early next year.
Britain admits Royal Navy doesn't have any submarines.
Britain admitted yesterday that the Royal Navy doesn't have any submarines and hasn't had any since the second world war. The Secretary of State for Defence declined to comment.
Hobby Lobby Approved by Supreme Court for Human Slavery
The Supreme Court ruled today that closely held corporations such as Hobby Lobby may buy and sell people needed for their corporation. They may also purchase the people in other corporations.
Charles Manson Admits Scamatology Too Weird for Him
In a rare interview, Charles Manson talked about his involvement with Scamatology. "Those dudes were just too weird for me man!" spoke Manson.
Supreme Court Endorses the Taliban
The Supreme Court announced today that the Taliban may make any decision regarding religious freedom or lack of it since they resemble a corporation.
Some of Lois Lerner's "Destroyed" IRS Emails Have Been Recovered
Coverup Exposed! By keen detective work and truly paradigm-breaking data recovery techniques, several of the infamous missing emails were found in the discarded panty liners of MSNBC's Rachel Madow.
Vice-President Biden Has Had His Tongue Surgically Removed
In a special agreement he made in 2012 when Obama agreed to keep him on the ticket, Joe Biden has had his tongue surgically removed until 2016 when Obama will give it back to him to have it re-sewn.
Dick Cheney Family to Free Iraq
Dick Cheney, his wife, and two daughters are heading to Iraq. "If Obama won't do anything, we're not going to just let all my work there go for nothing" spoke the former Vice-President.
Taliban and Scamatology to Merge
The Taliban and the "Church" of Scamatology announced today that they realize how much they have in common with each other and in an attempt to avoid redundancy, will merge the two entities into one.
Putin Tells Obama Where He Can Put His Sanctions
Putin, leader of Russia, has just used every curse word known to Russia to describe what Obama could do with his sanctions, reports Tass News Agency.
Eminent Authority Opines On US Dept of Justice Law Enforcement
"Law enforcement, as practiced by Eric Holder and his minions, is akin to Robespierre of the French Terror selecting guillotine victims capriciously at random with relish." M Voltaire
US say Falklands was probably there's after massive oil reserves found.
America is sending warships to the Falklands after claiming the island was probably there's and deny the claim has anything to do with the massive oil reserves that have been discovered on the island.
New Survey Says 100% of Fox Viewers Hate Obama
And in a side-not, both of the HUB network viewers have "no opinion."
Obama Proclaims New U S Constitutional Insight
His Excellency, Chief Poopah Obama announced he is now "All three branches of the US Government in One Cherished Being." Drooling with every word he uttered, SOTUS Justice Sotomayor screamed "Yeayy!"
US State Dept At A Retreat Over July 4th Weekend
Woodstock-State Dept gathered for a "Kumbaya Klatsch" at the 60's site of Rock, Drugs, & STDs. Key to the agenda was the re-affirmation of an oath to ignore utterly all world-wide political realities.
Latest Progressive Cause is Proclaimed
WashDC- Alliance for Progressive Supervention of the US Constitution has decreed that now nationwide all academic professors and their dutiful student slaves have greater rights than all other fools.
Donald Trump Tops Most Despised Person Ever List
Donald Trump was the most despised person ever, beating out Satan, Dick Cheney, and Richard Simmons in a recent survey.
Boehner to Change Name To Stiffee
Speaker of the House John Boehner, tired of being the subject of ridicule about his surname, which sounds like slang for a male erection, will change his last name to the more dignified Stiffee.
Sarah Palin says Obama Should Be Impeached for Laziness
In her most recent criticism of the President, Sarah Palin called for Obama to be impeached for being lazy. She also said that if his ancestors had been that lazy they would have been whipped.
Satan Locked Up for Petty Theft
Satan, aka the Devil, was picked up and booked for petty theft from a Wal-Mart store yesterday.
"They used to just let me get away with it out of professional courtesy," snarled Satan.
Eminent Authority Opines on Obama Administration "Transparency"
"The transparency of the Obama Administration is as pellucid as the pool of sludge at the bottom of an out house." M Voltaire
Government to use Jersey to stockpile Russian dolls.
David Cameron amidst fears Britain will stop trading with Russia is going to use Jersey to stockpile Russian dolls. Jersey citizens will be moved to Suffolk.
North Korea Threatens Global Nuclear Warfare if Their Team Not Allowed to Play Germany For World Cup Championship
Kim Jong-Un threatened to start a global thermonuclear war if the North Korean soccer team is not allowed to play Germany and "take their rightful place as the greatest soccer team ever!" spoke Kim.
David Cameron tells UK "Depression Over'
David Cameron declared his fight with depression over yesterday, and told reporters "Doctors have tried me on a new type of drug which has made me a new man"
Barbara Bush Misses Irony in Calling George W. Bush a "Son-of-a-Bitch"
Former First Lady Barbara Bush was peeved when everyone present started laughing when she called former president George W. Bush a son of a bitch.
"That's for sure" said her husband George H.W. Bush.
Donald Trump Puts Together a Threesome
A couple of people didn't show up but the Donald still had lots of fun because his VERY FAVORITE person DID make it!
Hackers Break Spoof News Site
Famed spoof site thespoof.com was brought down briefly by imbecilic spammers who were protesting because they thought all the stories on the site were true. Satan is preparing a special spot for them.
Congress Impeaches Michelle Obama
"We know you can't actually impeach a first lady since it's an unelected position, but we just wanted to send a message," said John Boehner, head Republican enforcer.
Doctor found in uk with readable handwriting
A Doctor has been found in the UK who has actually got handwriting you are able to understand. DR Harrison a GP in Scunthorpe Lincolnshire was unavailable to comment.
More Revelations from Ed Klein's Book "Blood Feud" re Clintons & Obamas
One morsel tells of a Hilary/Barack feud over who's the most devoted acolyte of leftist radical Saul Alinsky. Hilary gave a whole room of her Georgetown mansion as a shrine. Barack:"BS-Mine's Bigger!"
Secy Kerry Called to Brazil to Provide Critical Assistance in World Cup Final Wrapup
Brasilia- An urgent request went out to the US State Dept today. Kerry will be required to be used as a floor mop for cleaning the mens toilets following Sunday's final match. Israel recommended him.
Al-Qaeda Wants You to Like Them On Facebook
The terrorist organization Al-Qaeda has announced that they have a new Facebook page and are looking for people to like it.
Fifa tells Google they cannot bid to be World cup hosts.
Google's chances of hosting a world cup have been scuppered after Fifa tells them they are not actually a country. Google plans to take there case to the high Court.
Joe Biden Admits He Has Putin's Soul in a Jar at Home
Vice-President Biden admitted today that the reason he knew that Putin has no soul is that he once hired a voodoo priestess to capture it and put it in a cookie jar for him.
Kim Jong-Un Attends Assertiveness Training Class
"I've staged public executions and threatened nuclear annihilation and I still get no respect! That's why I'm taking this assertiveness training class," the rotund dictator was overheard confessing.
Betty White Discovered in Decades Old Porno Film
Betty White was spotted in a bondage video from the late 1940s, having sex with 14 different men who are all begging to be released. The film was found in Ms. White's personal home movie collection.
BT public payphone found working in Yarmouth.
A British telecom payphone has been found working in Yarmouth by a man who wanted to call a cab. A spokesman for Bt said " we aim to have three working in the UK by 2016"
Republicans Blame Obama for Israeli/Palestinian Conflict
"This conflict has been going on the whole time Obama has been President and he hasn't fixed a thing! What's he been doing all these years?" asked Republican enforcer John Boehner.
U S Soccer Team Engages in Stealth Tactic to Beat Belgium
Brazil-Intrepid journalistic detective work has uncovered the US Team's tactical plan to render the Belgies shorts to maximum chafing irritability--stealth laser fraying of internal fibers and straps.
Area of "Tranquility" in Obama Administration Located
WashDC- WHouse Press Secy's reference to "tranquility" in the world has been identified by NSA-scanners. "Tranquil" zone exists only in Obama's brain in its total obliviousness to actual world events.
School Children will be able to cane there teacher by 2016
School Children in the UK will soon be able to cane there teachers if they see a deterioration in behaviour from 2016.
Headmasters are said to welcome the idea.
Ciantology Award 2014
This years Ciantology Award for Ego-Surrender goes to actor Tom Cruise. "I always knew I'd win it," said he. "My thanks to Ron Hubbard and Satan."
Syria call for a ceasefire!
Syria has decided to call it a day and offered their weapons to the Palestinians in an unprecedented show of Arabian solidarity. Hamas refused and declared war on the infidels; yet another one!
US State Dept Employs Notable Celebrity On A Critical Mission
Gaza-Frustrated by futile attempts to negotitate a cease-fire, Secy Kerry brought in Larry the Cable Guy to ingest garbonzo beans and exude gaseous vapors at both contesting parties till they desist.
Terrorist Group Lived Next Door to Attacked Benghazi Consulate
Ansar al-Sharia, the killers of 4 Americans in Libya, lived openly next to the Benghazi site. Surely former Secy Clinton would now welcome to move in next her and Bubba in Georgetown in D.C.
Nick Clegg admits he is not very good at his job.
Nick Clegg admitted yesterday he isn't comfortable at number 11 downing street and doesn't really know what he is doing there. David Cameron declined to comment.
Boehner Slips Obama Some Metaphetamine in HIs Kool-Aid
Obama stayed up all night and processed Obamacare applications while making lists on ways to get even with Boehner and the Republicans.
Pedophile politicians blame the sixties sex revolution!
Pedophile politicians running for their lives or dead already are blaming flower power for their misdemeanours, hippy culture they say, allowed them to fiddle with anything walking on 2 legs or more!
Barcelona bite bullet!
FC Barcelona have decided to 'bite the bullet' and pay 75 million quid for a South American lama, great deal, he spits too!
Suarez caught humming Liverpool hymn!
Dental surgeon Luiz Suarez was seen humming 'you'll never walk alone' Liverpool FC hymn by himself all alone while Liverpool fans, not alone, were seen jumping off the 'Ferry across the Mersey!
Fellaini gets boot from United!
Flop Fellaini has been given the boot by United, not a golden boot BTW, instead he received a Dutch clog in the crutch!
England declared hot spot!
A rare 27 degrees was recorded in London and immediately Cameron declared his beloved island a 'hot spot' while Spanish outbound flights reached record levels! Politicians are full of Cojones!
Tour de France starts in UK!
As a show of 'entente cordiale' the Tour de France will start in the UK. Confused riders were last seen heading towards Scotland?
BBC fall into summer black hole!
No news is good news so the BBC decided to headline FGM as their main news item. Hoardes of young African girls were last seen being bunged into containers heading for Sierra Leone!
Jimmy Saville did not have sex with the dead!
BBC DJ's claim that Jimmy Saville never had sex with the dead because they witnessed him only having sex with the new born!
Rooney only gets a 3 week holiday!
England flop, Wayne Rooney, is distraught because he booked 4 weeks in a 6 star hotel in Vegas, now he only has 3 poor chap! England fans claim he has a holiday all year after his flop in Brazil!
Prince Phillip Fitted With Shoulder Extension To Support All 107 Medals
At the Naming Ceremony of the Queen Elizabeth Warship at Rosyth today, Prince Phillip's Valet had to rig a metal clothes hanger to his shoulder to accommodate all 107 medals that the Duke was wearing.
Man up punk!
Bill & Ben arrested by Operation Yewtree following bullying complaints from 'Little Weed'
Four more perverts discovered in Venessa's pants........."no wonder I have felt so uncomfortable all these years!"
Cost of Breast Feeding
The Supreme Court of America today ruled that a newborn baby has in fact no legal right to its mother's milk and that an attorney must be appointed on its behalf to sign an agreement permitting access. Lawyers have unanimously welcomed the ruling.
NASA Says Aliens DO Exist
Rumor has it that TV execs are already planning "spacey" editions of THE BACHELOR and THE BACHELORETTE.
Amazonian Tribes Making Blowpipes Out Of Old Bagpipes
Amazonian Bearded Pig huntng tribes are appealing for people to post old bagpipes to them. The pipes can be made into "sub machine gun " blow pipes firing 5 poisonous darts per second.
Israel claim Hamas have W'OMD
To back up their self-claimed rights to bomb the shit out of Palestinians, Israel have spotted Arabs bearing a WOMD, an 86 year old grandma was last seen flashing her bloomers at Israeli soldiers!
Louis v Gaal fires Rooney!
Man Utd Dutch manager has fired Rooney because he earns 3 times as much and in Dutch tradition a subordinate can never earn more than the boss!
Heatwave melts Iceland!
An approaching heatwave melted Iceland, luckily their personnel escaped without being hit by a passing Iceberg!
Dutch airliner ventures into German airspace!
A Dutch airliner was spotted flying over Germany today and survived the ordeal although they were warned about high-flying Germans flying high since they won the World Cup!
World Cup given to the Dutch!
Germany have been forced to hand over the World Cup to Holland because their ex-manager, LVG, insists that there was not one German playing and he's always right!
North Korea claim second Malaysian Plane in 2014!
Kim Jong-Un has claimed a second success in 2014 ever since U Tube took the piss out of him by kidnapping one and giving Ukrainian separatists a rocket launching set to blow Malaysian plane away!
Scot's coffee is stronger than Italian!
Scientists have proven that Scottish coffee is stronger than Italian; aye laddie, just a wee dram!
Eminent Authority Opines on Hillary's Claim of Impoverishment
"Hillary Clinton claiming to be broke is like King Midas declaring himself to be homeless." M Voltaire
Ukrainian Lard Arse Festival Takes Place As Normal In Spite Of Conflict
Ukrainians celebrated their love of pork fat at the weekend by consuming a giant sandwich filled with 40 kilos of best lard.
The big "lard-in" was the centrepiece of a nationwide big arse festival.
Russian Masochists On Wife Finding Excursions To Barnsley
Fed up with an abundance of domesticated eager to please potential wives, Russian Masochists are queueing up to meet battleaxes from the town of Wombwell near Barnsley.
Microwave Attachment Eliminates Need For Head Shaving
Hyram B. Dison's invention, which eliminates daily head shaving, is now on sale. "Microcaps" use a microwave to defoliate scalps with a rubber skull attachment similar to ones used in electric chairs.
'Inverted Penis' Hailed As The Next London High Rise Structure Sensation
A penis with twelve scrotums on top is joining the Shard, Walkie Talkie and Cheesegrater on London's skyline. 'It expresses,' said its designer, 'the bollocks shaping London's new architecture.'
God Admits Fucking Up With Aubergine Creation.
A film crew filming near the top of Mount Sinai today received a new 11th Commandment.
11) Aubergines were meant to be large poisonous Australian fruit, but I fucked up. Please return them, thanks.
Homeless man under house arrest.
Gerry Southgate of no fixed abode was told by Liverpool Magistrates after being convicted of burglary he was to be put under house arrest effectively leaving him a free man.
Warning Not To Let Trojan Horse Religious Cults Into Your House
Householders have been warned by police not to accept gifts of suspiciously large wooden horses with bibles. Once inside your house scores of evangelistic missionaries will jump out and preach at you.
Study finds that mosquitos routinely talk to humans
Why do you hear the extremely irritating buzzing sound when a mosquito gets too close? Well, their wings flap up to 600 times per second, but they are also asking you whether they can feed on you.
Putin Tells Obama That The Last Thing He Wants to Do is Hurt the U.S.
"But," Putin adds, "it is on the list. And it isn't that long a list, and I am getting some of the other things done..."
Researchers Compare 911 Response to Pizza Delivery, Pizza is Faster
In an experiment to compare the response rate of police officers when called by the 911 Emergency Response service to pizza delivery personnel, the pizza beat the police by nine hours.
Justin Bieber punches himself in an "elbow-jerk" reaction to seeing a photo of Orlando Bloom on his phone
After posting a crying photo of Bloom on Instagram, Bieber punched himself while taking a selfie. Experts say that this was an act of the subconscious to complete the blow attempted earlier by Bloom.
Father relieved to have caught son watching "regular" porn this time
Rescue helicopter finds Jedward stranded on sandbank
Following the rescue the helicopter crew have since been placed in protective custardy after the Irish Coast Guard received threats from music lovers.
Cameron & Murdoch Working Together
Prison visiting to get advice on how to run the country and the media.
Massive cleanup after tropical storm Arthur misses New York
New York City residents mopped up Saturday after tropical storm Arthur missed New York, and doused cable news networks' celebrations.
"A Brief History of The World" by J.K.Rowling.
The book in eighteen volumes will be released in August: "I have been working on it since the age of six. I have always been sooooo a bit of a history buff. And I want everybody to know my nom de plume will be Virginia Fox."
Latecomers To Brazil-Germany World Cup Match Think Game Was Lost 1-7 On Penalties
Reporters arriving to report on the Brazil-Germany match late could be excused for thinking the 7-1 turkey shoot was being decided on penalties. The unprecedented annihilation was watched worldwide.
Brazil appeal to the UN
Brazil are to appeal to the UN claiming that Germany have hit them with a Kroos Missile.
Queen Most Unamused
The Queen of England has asked that Rolf Harris's prize-winning portrait of her presently hanging under her bed be made into a shopping bag for Camilla Parker Bowles.
Motor racing to be permitted on British streets.
Speed camera fine bonanza anticipated.
Call for US Constitution Reform
Obama has called for a reform of the US Constitution. "We believe Congress should be privately owned and run along the lines of US Security Associates Inc," said he.
Meacher The Critic
Most of those commenting on the dossier on alleged sexual misconduct in Parliament, including myself, have never seen it.
Israel Wins the World Cup
Luiz Felipe Scolari resigns as Brazil coach.
He has now been installed as Bookies favorite as the next Chelsea coach, making a return to the West London club around Christmas.
Sister of Lord Haverstock decides to correct the Government's mistake.
GOP Reverses Stance on Global Warming
Republicans blame Obama for imminent crisis.
Mounting Frustration Cause Of Glory Hole Use
Glory holes are being used as general dumps, a survey claims. The closets, built into English 1920s houses, are bring used to dump the result of hurried tidying up, by working couples with no time.
Let's have a Whip round for him.
That's Love for You
One morning, I opened my eyes and looked into the sleeping face of the man lying next to me. Unfortunately, it was my husband's.
Freedom of Speech ROCKS!
I try to remember that every time someone calls me an asshole or threatens to poison my dog