Spoof news snippets from Thursday 9 January 2014
The Wolf Hall of Wall Street starring Leonardo DiCaprio, anyone?
Booker Prize winner Hilary mantel utterly confused at the Martin Scorsese-directed premiere.
Hillary Finally Confesses
"OK! I've had enough. I just got excited. No one was shooting at me when I left the helicopter in Bosnia. I just wanted to add a little color to the story." "Clinton in Bosnia" just plain boring!"
True Facts From Snoops #1114
According to Snoops: An estimated 250 Snake Oil medicine salesmen have died from snake bites since the 1800s.
True Facts From Snoops #779
According to Snoops: The average teenage boy thinks about Miley and that wrecking every 30 seconds.
True Facts From Snoops #168
According to Snoops: The earliest barn dances didn't go over to well until they made the cow and the goat leave!
True Facts From Snoops #096
According to Snoops: The only episode of The Andy Griffith Show that was never shown was when Opie's mom died after Otis got drunk and ran over her on a cow. TV censored it at the time.
NBC Highlights Ann Curry's Reporting From Africa After Reports She's Out
"We meant that she was out doing her job. Don't be such a pessimist!", says newsman.
More than half in Congress are millionaires
The rest are multi-millions and a few are billionaires and they all want their social security.
Scientology to Buy Kool-Aid Company
It has been said that Scientology devotees are "drinking the Kool-Aid." Scientology leader Dave Miscavige just announced that they have bought the company, so this saying will now be accurate.
Polar vortex leaves nasty surprises, still grips northern Midwest
As warmer weather comes in, pipes thaw and can turn into bombs exploding lines and brings flooding into the house, especially from upstairs bathrooms.
Dennis Rodman to Stay On in North Korea as Cabinet Member
Kim Jong Un has decided to make Dennis Rodman
his new nuclear weapons chief, a move even
the substance abusing ex-baller did not see coming. "I'm cool with it," Rodman said. "He's
a good guy."
Governor Chris Christie Threatens to Shut Down New York by Closing Lanes
Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey, who has been known to shut down highway lanes to punish cities that do not support him, warned New York City today that the city had better watch its step.
Paula Deen and Megyn Kelly to Collaborate on White Bread and Cracker Products
Beloved white icons Paula Deen and Megyn Kelly announced today that they would be celebrating whiteness with their new company, White Bread and Crackers. White Chocolate will also be sold by them.
North Korean Army to Use Atomic Wedgies
After hearing of the Oklahoma man who killed his stepfather with an atomic wedgie, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un ordered Atomic Wedgie Tech to be taught to the North Korean Army immediately.
No Fun For Rodman #2
Report has now came in that Rodman is dressed like Bugs Bunny and the rest are after him dressed as Yosemite Sam. "Tar nation!", yells Kim.
ABCNEWS: Photo, Christie With The Mayor
White House says there's no excuse for this. GOP: It wasn't his fault! (Works from Obama).
When is a gay soccer player straight?
Ask German soccer player Thomas Hitzlesberger, he's not gay he's straight because Germans still think gay means happy! So what is all the fuss about?
Dennis Rodman Not Happy
Whole teamed forced to ride donkeys during the basketball game against North Korean team.
Annual Kite Flying Festival Draws Pros From Across The Globe
The 'Charley Brown' event (best at landing one in a tree) is one part of the games.
Woman Held on Bail After Allegedly Leaving Meth as Tip
Well, I'd say she was on something and my best guess would be Meth!
Man Accused of Teen's Rape Charged With Misdemeanor
I guess if he kills someone he will serve a full three days in the big house...and I do mean a big house, sent to his room without dinner.
Christie: I am not a bully!
"And if I find out who has been going around saying that, I'll crush them with my bare belly against the wall!"
Glowing fish stump scientists
Why do they stump scientists? We just had some glow-in-the-dark pigs! I think we had some cats too. So what's with the fish?
Chris Christie's favorite setting for political suicide
Chris Christie's favorite alibi
Traffic was brutal.
He Should've Used the Tunnel
Chris Christie's favorite Christmas treat:
Insane Clown Posse, Declared Gang by FBI, Challenges Crips
The Insane Clown Posse, who recently launched a lawsuit against the FBI for calling them a gang, announced that they would be having a rumble with the Crips and stocking up on Faygo soda pop.
Republicans Declare Snowfall Unconstitutional, Blame Democrats
Republican members of the House of Representatives and the Senate today passed a resolution today declaring any snowfall over 3 inches unconstitutional and declared that the Democrats were to blame.
Penny Not Worth A Penny?
Although the copper penny has mostly been made up of zinc for over 40 years, people still try to turn them in for copper prices at recycling places according to owners.
True Facts From Snoops #1001
According to Snoops: It's customary to tip a person who holds the elevator door open just a few seconds longer so you can get on too.
True Facts From Snoops #559
According to Snoops: Most Keebler Elves do not live in trees but old abandoned hornets nests.
Arctic blast leaves nasty surprises
For one thing, nearly two dozen postal workers found frozen between houses, mail still in hand.
Rodman sorry for outburst: 'I had been drinking'
(Whispers) Plus they have government agents around us telling us what to say. help!
How to Maximize Your Social Security Benefit
Place a "1" in front of amount sent. They won't notice it for many years if ever. Too busy straightening out Obamacare to check it out.
U.S. polar vortex brings Big Chill to forest pests
There are not nearly as many tree sitters as there were this time last year and most up there today are frozen in place.
Fidel Castro appears in public, 1st time in months
Ghost apparently refuses to believe it's been dead ever since his brother took over.
Man Shot After Fight Over Utensils at Baptism Party.
Some people take their utensils more seriously than others. No one need ever come close to my George Foreman Grill!
'Final economic blow' for American workers.
If Illegals here made legal, other millions allowed to come in. Why aren't unions fighting this?
Teen Arrested For Threatening To Cut Sheriff Joe's Genitals Off.
Placed in protective custody.....from Joe's wife!
CIA Whistleblower Reveals Hollywood Megastar Once Asked Govt For $50K Of Cocaine To Act As Secret Agent.
I'm sure Megastar would make a great spy also, while he/she on cocaine. Then, if he/she was offered more cocaine, tell us whatever enemies want us to know.
Space commander: US satellites vulnerable to attack by China.
Chinese Military Chief: China could be vulnerable to attack by armed U.S. satellites.
Canada reports first H5N1 bird flu death in North America.
Man on the Street: We came in first for the first time and it has to be the stupid bird flu, eh?
Recession caused physical illness.
What do you expect when people can only afford cheap fatty food and can't afford to go to the doctor?
Meryl Streep: Walt Disney an Anti-Semetic 'Gender Bigot'.
"Whose head was frozen a long time before it ever reached Cryonics lab.
1400% Radiation Hot Spot Found on San Francisco Beach.
Ocean Biologists say that could explain beached two-headed whales of late.
The New Year started with a bang-and burned flesh-for two Seattle-area potheads.
Hash oil from Marijuana will soon be "Heard" in Colorado as citizens ask what happens if pothead sit house next door on fire?
CO Pot Supporters Fight For Right To Fly With Marijuana.#2
Pilots and C0-pilots, many stewardesses say they cannot keep mind on job with cabin filled with marijuana smoke.
CO Pot Supporters Fight For Right To Fly With Marijuana
Several politicians say they are high enough already!
Alaska takes next step to legalize marijuana.
Then, on next step, falls off sidewalk landing face down in a pile of dog doodoo!
Obama works to craft response to surveillance uproar.#2
President appoints big time donor to his campaign to check out if spying accusations are really going on.
Obama works to craft response to surveillance uproar.
Going back over hours and hours of recordings and videos.
New Colorado Stores Potting Up
Not only are pot selling stores growing, but very small rooms on the street filled with pot smoke charging a dollar a minute to step inside and breathe the air.
CO Restaurant Introduces Weed-and-Food Pairing Menu.#3
Colorado study says that pot smokers eating so many desserts and snacks that they will soon be fatter and in worse health.
CO Restaurant Introduces Weed-and-Food Pairing Menu.#2
After smoking a joint or two, restaurants in Colorado say that many just ordering three or four desserts.
CO Restaurant Introduces Weed-and-Food Pairing Menu
Let's see what would go good with the type of pot we're smoking afterwards.
DC weighs easing pot laws, allowing six plants per household.
Half the people on the road are high on legal drugs, talking on cellphone or drunk. So it would make little difference.
Holder issues new classroom guidelines:
Remove security officers and police from discipline process as all security officers and police are always completely innocent.
White House denies Gates' charge that Biden is often wrong.
"He predicted that Florida State would beat Auburn for the number one spot in NCAA Championship.
Lenders Mining FACEBOOK, TWITTER to Determine Creditworthiness
Also check out how you voted, who you married, any jail time, who you are seen with, where you eat, your medical records, etc, etc.
Chris Christie in Political Trouble
Several Republicans say he has a "Fat Chance" of winning nomination now.
Raised peat mire at Y Borth officially eighth "Wonder of the World"
A piece of swamp on a stone in the glittering Welsh tourist magnet of Y Borth has now been nominated by World Heritage as a very nice raised peat bog, putting Y Borth level with Las Vegas in tourism.
Daily Mail sales appear to fall with increasing use of soft toilet paper
A major selling point of the daily Mail may have been wiped. Forget squares of the "News" paper in public Portaloos, soft toilet rolls have now replaced our favourite wipe.
Las Vegas Studies Colorado Closely
Casinos ask Nevada Governor if the state could use a few billion dollars?
Meanwhile back in Colorado
Man strung out on Marijuana says that he never really recognized how very funny Elmer Fudd could be.
75% Believe They Are Fooling People
Study shows that 75% of people wearing a stupid coal black wig at 80 years old think they are fooling people. I can only think of one.
Just Don't Do It!
Experts say time spent giving a horses patoot right now and arguing over who will run for President in 2016 is just wasting time you never get back.
2014 economy will 'return to normal'
So what's normal? Stock market rises more or makes huge drop like a few years ago? U.S. 20 Trillion Dollars in Debt? What's normal anymore?
Gates' new book rattles White House
"You wouldn't believe the secret deals going on and the...oh, I guess you would. Nobody cares anymore what happens to the country, it seems. Richard Nixon was a saint."
"It was so cold out today..."
Make up your own snippet! "Donald Trump's hairpiece hid inside his coat." "People on subways were looking for women having hot flashes!"
Pope picks up hitchhiker on Popemobile!!
Is this for real or just the first line of a Stephen King novel?
Utah: 1,000 same-sex marriages invalid
"But what will we say to the kids?', asks one lady!
Niagara river freezes over! #2
I bet the Niagara Falls was beautiful with all those long icicles!
Niagara river freezes over!
The Niagara river is covered with ice, causing floods and concern among residents.
True Facts From Snoops #647
According to Snoops: Saddam Hussein's name translated into English is "Tom Dooley".
True Facts From Snoops #772
According to Snoops: Although George Washington never told a lie, he was known to stretch the truth quite a bit.
True Facts From Snoops #911
According to Snoops: The oldest Native American on record? It was Singing Bull, who lived to be 59. And his record was "Rain Dance A-Go-Go" during the early 1960s.
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