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True Facts From Snoops #333

According to Snoops: The most common animal crazy people talk to? The guard dog!

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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India tells U.S. to close embassy club; anger exposes flaws in ties

United States the least liked in over one hundred years. Many think we should keep our noses out of every other country's ass!

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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Poverty reaches 50 year record under Obama.

"He promised that he would bring changes and he has kept his word", says Nancy Pelosi. "He just didn't say what kind of changes."

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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Consumers say out-of-pocket health costs rising.

But Pickpockets say they haven't noticed any big differences as of yet!

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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U.S. Trademark Office Rules REDSKINS Derogatory.

Washington Redskin Player: "Daaah. I don wanna be called a Deror...Derogat..what they said."

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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Nestlé Will Test Foods on Human Brain Cells #2

Well, if it doesn't turn out well enough for humans we can always sell it to the zombies!

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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Nestlé Will Test Foods on Human Brain Cells.

Makes you hungry just thinking about it, doesn't it?

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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GALLUP: Record-High 42% of Americans Identify as Independents!

Hint! Hint! Are there any "Independent" political leaders out there? Here's your chance!

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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Super Cold Causing Uptick in Domestic Violence.

Neighbors and former friends and even families giving each other the cold shoulder!

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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1400% Radiation Hot Spot Found on San Francisco Beach

Revenge for Nagasaki and Hiroshima? Both Japan, U.S. say No.

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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Handheld gadget scans body, diagnoses illnesses in seconds.

Just like the one "Bones" used on the early episodes of Star Trek!

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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Outbreak of Nightmare Bacteria in Illinois!

People are beginning to be afraid to go to sleep and dream, just like certain movies.

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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Former Sec of War Gates Says Obama is Not Starting Enough Wars

Former Secretary of War Robert Gates says in his new book that Pres. Obama has been trying to get troops out of Afghanistan like he did Iraq. "If he gets his way, there won't be any US wars anywhere!"

written by Al N., 08 January 2014
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GOP Declares New War On Poverty

Boehner said tax breaks for the rich, no taxes on corporations, ending the Environmental Protection Agency, the FDA, ending money for cancer research, would stumlate growth and end poverty.

written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
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C4 hit with plagiarism charge over 'Benefits Street'

The estate of Joseph Goebbels have charged that controversial program bares a remarkable similarity to a film made by Goebbels in 1933 just after he was appointed Minister for enlightenment by Hitler.

written by John_L, 08 January 2014
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Rubio Says Quit War On Poverty

It hasn't worked he said. "We've still got all of these lazy 3-year-olds who won't work; welfare queens who work 3 jobs a day but still can't pay bills; and severely disabled looking for handouts."

written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
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More than half of Americans are holding on to their VHS players -

Which isn't so alarming, since nearly all Americans still read paperback and hardback books, preferring them to e-books.

written by Samuel Vargo, 08 January 2014
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Dennis Rodman led an auditorium of North Koreans in singing "Happy Birthday" to their leader -

after a hoops exhibition in Pyongyang. Kim Jong Un seemed to crack a smile and said he'd spare Rodman's life and keep him out of prison for life for singing a bit off-key.

written by Samuel Vargo, 08 January 2014
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Denis Rodman Called In

Two warring factions that are supposed to be fighting Dictator Assad in Syria are warring with each other. One group has called in Rodman "He has the wisdom and power of Allah and can settle this."

written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
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True Facts From Snoops #338

According to Snoops: All the archaeologists that dug up the tomb of King Tut, died mysteriously of old age!

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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True Facts From Snoops #661

According to Snoops: When former President Jimmy Carter was asked what he thought of President Obama's Beer Conference, he told them "Billy had one every weekend".

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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True Facts From Snoops #664

According to Snoops: Singer Tiny Tim got his unusual voice while at camp when he squatted in the dark over a bear trap.

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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True Facts From Snoops #886

According to Snoops: Nine people were killed on this date 25 years ago when the Hollywood Squares Frame collapsed.

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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Giant Penalty Doesn't Affect J.P.Morgan

For it's failing to report Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme they were fined $6B. "Why would that bother us? We, B of A and Chase own America. So the fine's a trillion dollars? So what!,"said Morgan CEO

written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
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JPMorgan Pays $2B 4 Partnering With Madoff

Morgan and Bernie Madoff cost widows and orphans billions in Ponzi scheme. The fine of $2B is huge but there are no criminal charges. "The Morgan excs wear white collars," explained the prosecutor.

written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
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Rupert Murdoch Says Has Power To Choose Pres.

The Fox News owner says his viewers will tip the scales in 2016. " You know, the Duck Dynasty Fans, the KKK, the Tea Party, the Miley Cyrus groupies, gun nuts, angry white men and Limbaugh fans."

written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
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US Ally Saudis Back Gentle Terrorists In Syria

Sheik bin Akhmed Obadin said that it would now only back the Syrian "good terrorists" who only kill infants. "If they leave babies to live they're good guys. I think our US friends feel the same."

written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
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TX. Forces Women To Host Fetus'

Women as "hostess for fetus" law passes. IT provides internment camps for women who want abortions. Law says must carry embryo to term in camps. "The placenta is sacred" says Gov. Perry,"it's law."

written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
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U.S. Now Supports Only Non Cannibal Terrorists

In a shift of policy, the US gives aid only to the good terrorists who promise not to eat the hears and livers of bad terrorists in Syria. "Finger nibbling is still ok," said U.S. War Department."

written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
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Vail Closes Ski Slopes Temporarily

New Skiers were falling and coming down mountain as big snowballs. Until they are thawed to see if there us a skier inside, the slopes will be closed.

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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Cold Spell Hits Youth & Seniors Hardest.

Thousands of youth in the United States have suffered ass crack frostbite in the past three days.

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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Kim Jung Um Welcomes U.S. Spy Chief

Head of Snoops James Clapper has found asylum in N.Korea after Congress has chained his mind about prosecuting him for perjury. "N Korea's culture is about the same as the NSA's Clapper said."

written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
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Kim Jung Um Welcomes U.S. Spy Chief

Head of Snoops James Clapper has found asylum in N.Korea after Congress has chained his mind about prosecuting him for perjury. "N Korea's culture is about the same as the NSA's Clapper said."

written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
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Legal marijuana in Colorado: Was rollout a success?

"It certainly had a much better rollout than Obamacare", says one person in line for the second time.

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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United States sending more troops and tanks to South Korea

Just in case Kim or Rodman are secretly up to something!

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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Dennis Rodman in North Korea Teaching Basketball to Kim

In exchange, Kim is showing Rodman the proper way to clap your hands and deal with your foes.

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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DC weighs easing pot laws, allowing six plants per household...

Public Awareness Group warn that you will find a CIA bug hidden in some special pots made for pot growing.

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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Four sucker-punched in Denver.

One in Knockout Game busts hand as he hit a statue. "Probably hit a pot selling store beforehand", says police officer.

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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Iran bans online chatting between sexes.

Especially those who are not properly dressed or saying banned words.

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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CDC: 38 Million Americans Booze Too Much.

General comment: "Every time I think about who is in the White House and Congress, I want to get drunk!"

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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Court settlement deals blow to online mugshot websites.

Many say they are tired of seeing all those photos of coffee mugs on Facebook anyway. "It's one of those things you skip through each day."

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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Polar Freeze Lifting?

Over 200 locations now up over the Zero mark!

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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After $4M Vacation, Obama Talks Income Inequality.

Same Old, Same Old! Do as I say, not as I do! "Follow my example and do the opposite!"

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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U.S. Trademark Office Rules REDSKINS Derogatory

Washington Redskins offer to drop name for "Black Cracker Honkies"!

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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TV News Crew Attacked, Robbed In San Fran -- again

They were out to the same area as previous group, trying to find out exactly what had happened. Now they know.

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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FL police department unveils armored tank #2

"That's OK", says Tea Party member. "We have our own tanks and more hidden somewhere in secret locations."

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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FL police department unveils armored tank.

Who are they going to use it on, those protesting Government takeovers?

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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Utah avalanche largest in modern history.

Global Warming people fighting Global Cooling people instead of checking to see if anyone under huge slide.

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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90% of USA Frozen

Hell Freezes Over. Small town named Hell is in Polar Freeze!

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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Research ships studying 'global warming' finally break free of ice

But nutty as ever as frozen passengers say ice break-up was cause by "GGlobbbal Wwwwarmmmerringg!"

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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Robert Gates, former defense secretary, offers harsh critique of Obama's leadership in 'Duty'

Not only that, but Obama once shot a 15 at a Par 3 hole in Florida!

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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Ex-Defense Sec. Slams Biden, Reveals He Nearly Quit

But fails to reveal what it was that he almost quit. Whatever, hang in there, Joe. Maybe a 12-step program.

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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Global Warming?

Scientists admit to have pulled the wool over Canadian and US citizen's eyes by declaring the planet is heating up. Instead, they are now advising them to pull wooly hats over their eyes! BRRRRR!

written by Jaggedone, 08 January 2014
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"I want my Mummy!"

Mothercare stores report record losses over Christmas trading season....cue Frankie Valli..."Bye bye baby, baby bye bye

written by Herrdoktorfox, 08 January 2014
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David Brooks On Reefer Madness

The NY Times man said that "weed makes you lazy." " It was ok in my day but kids now have to work hard to pay off huge student loans working at boring low pay jobs. No pot now, they have to be alert."

written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
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Satanists Get Ok. Statue

In the Ok. capitol grounds a 7 foot goat-headed Satan will be built. A court ruled today that a 10 Commandments monument there had set a precedent. "We couldn't rule otherwise," said the judge."

written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
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Why Is Ted Cruz Still Canadian?

He said he would no longer be a citizen of Canada but he hasn't acted. "It's a simple process, Of course, if you have mental health issues you can't do it," said R.L. Smith, immigration attorney.

written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
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Denis Rodman On Kim Jung Um

"We be close friends cuz. He's a great humanitarian. We bond playing chess, reading Saint Augustine, discussing Jean-Paul Sartre, listening to Beethoven and Bach, going to art galleries, and such."

written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
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Climate Deniers Groups Names Revealed

Edward Snowden found the dark money contributors front groups: "Christians For A Green U.S.," " Friends Of Science," "Earth Love Inc.," "Save The Earth," "Mother Spaceship," and "Planet Salvation."

written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
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Head Of Religious Order Reveals Agenda

Sister Mary Vagina said today that employees of Catholics should give up personal health care freedoms. "No coverage for Aids, condoms, if the bosses say so, then they have to go along with it.

written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
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Super Rich Cry For Justice

"We are the deserving rich, we are the makers not the takers. I'm so misunderstood" said J.P Vandergoose who inherited $1.2B in 2011. "It's really hard work to keep my servants and yacht crew happy."

written by Keith Shirey, 08 January 2014
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Wino Branching Out

New York City wino caught relieving himself on tree in Central Park. "I was just branching out, officer! Ha!" "Probably killed it", officer tells partner.

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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New Year 2014 Brings Promises

The number one resolution: To lose weight. #2 Start diet in 2015! 3. If by 2016 there's confirmed global cooling, eat that blubber, man!

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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The Supreme Court has halted gay marriages in Utah

Why Utah? "Well, a modern day Brigham Young could have 12 same-sex wives."

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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Cold Temps Ruin Green Bay Game

Over 100 penalties for piling on. "We either piled on or froze to death", says Center. "I was hoping I was at the bottom of the pile."

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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Melissa Harris-Perry Apologizes For Mitt Romney Family Insults

"At least I only got two complaints from the TV viewers." We have news for Ms Harry-Perry, you only got 2 people watching that show.

written by Bureau, 08 January 2014
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