Spoof news snippets from Friday 3 January 2014
More snow storms all across the country. #4
Eight degrees below zero at Green Bay may produce a new record. It will be the first "Statue of Liberty Play" with all 22 players at once.
More snow storms all across the country. #3
Green Bay Packers field will be eight below zero. Brett Favre has asked to come out of retirement so he can freeze to death.
More snow storms all across the country. #2
Eight below zero at Green Bay Packers predicted. Both coaches are reminding their teams not to stick their tongues to their helmets.
More snow storms all across the country.
Eight below zero predicted at Green Bay Playoff Game!
Canada To The Rescue
"A Canadian has discovered a device that can prevent the NSA from spying on you by blocking your computer's camera. Yep, it's Red Green and a small piece of duct tape.
True Facts From Snoops #797
According to Snoops: Mary Todd Lincoln was a small woman. She would sometimes hide under President Lincoln's top hat!
True Facts From Snoops #562
According to Snoops: Gandhi always ended his fasts with a hotdog eating contest.
True Facts From Snoops #887
According to Snoops: Over 500 U.S.deaths since 1920 from being gassed to death in gas station bathrooms.
Feds list 141 new regulations -- in 3 days
Frustrated patients walk out of hospitals without treatments. How many cancellations are now coming in? No listing found.
Obamacare May Face Huge Lawsuits
Patients say that if anyone dies waiting hours for "approval", there will be lawsuits.
Obamacare not working again
Doctor's Office Spends 2 Hours On Hold With Insurer For Surgery Authorization, Before Giving Up.
Kim Jong Un to Hire Michael Vick to Manage Kennels
The portly dictator of North Korea, who recently fed his uncle to 120 hungry dogs, announced that he has hired Michael Vick, famous dog killer and NFL quarterback, to be his official dog executioner.
Americans Spent $7.45 Billion Fighting Global Warming
In other countries. Now, deep freeze hitting around the world.
NYC MAYOR: "Too Cold For School"
A lot of students get extended Holiday break!
Now Anartic Rescue Ship Stuck in Ice!.
Crew may have to be flown out like the first ship. It's deja vu all over again!
What Has Been The 2013 Best Skin Tightener?
It's still persimmon juice. Nothing natural can compete! "The Persimmon Pucker" from old company still selling!
Major Blizzard Visible from Space
"I'm another one of those people who need to lose 400 pounds", says Major Blizzard. "But if others can do it, so can I!"
Man Loses 392 Pounds After Seeing His Obese Reflection on TV Screen
"My neighbor had a big screen TV and it still couldn't show all of me!"
The Mallards Have All Mellowed
Police officers in Steamboat Springs, Colorado are reporting that there is so much pot in the air that ducks cannot stop giggling and some are even flying upside down.
And Here's Your Durango Bango
Colorado newspapers are reporting that some Aspen hotels are paying their employees in marijuana.
Fifi Has Gotten A Bit Particular
A French Poodle in Vail, Colorado accidentally ate five marijuana joints and now she will not touch her Kibbles 'n Bits but she'll devour a large pizza in 35 seconds flat.
Did You Leave Room For Pot?
Many Colorado restaurants have now added marijuana brownies to their menus.
No Jennifer's or Rachel's?
The city of Colorado Springs has just announced that the first six baby girls born in 2014, were all named Mary Jane.
Here It Comes - Ready or Not
Authorities in Fort Collins, Colorado report that the huge marijuana cloud that has been hovering over the city should float up to Wyoming within the next 24 hours.
Denver Girl Says She Has The Best Granny In The Nation
A Denver grandmother gave her granddaughter a pound of pot for her birthday.
The Twinkies Are Flying Off The Shelves
Grocery stores in Trinidad, Colorado report that they are running out of Hostess Twinkies, which is the preferred snack food of 8 out of 10 pot heads.
The New Parents Were Highly Happy
A Pueblo, Colorado couple has named their new baby twin girls Mari and Juana.
Giddy Up Lightning
A Boulder, Colorado cowboy sold his horse in order to buy marijuana.
Gary Delaney marries Sarah Millican
Stand-up comedians Gary Delaney and Sarah Millican have got married - Gary's marriage vow was a one liner, and Sarah's just went on and on and on and on....
LeBron James left skid marks on the court after falling down during Heat loss to Warriors
He has been told to eat a better more binding diet over the next few weeks.
True Facts From Snoops #559
According to Snoops: SEVENTEEN has announced that they will only be 85% commercial ads beginning this year.
True Facts From Snoops #1008
According to Snoops: Gerald Ford is the only President of the United States that has stumbled and fallen over a fart.
True Facts From Snoops #171
According to Snoops: Eskimos also have ten different words for falling down and busting your ass, none of them printable here.
True Facts From Snoops #169
According to Snoops: Most people don't realize that not only has McDonalds sold over two million burgers, they have also sold 19 veggie burgers!
CNN Slides to 20-Year-Low in Primetime.#2
"Maybe we should have kept those "Obama, President For Life!" ads until nearer end of second term", says CEO.
CNN Slides to 20-Year-Low in Primetime.
People say they can make up their own news than listening to someone else making up theirs.
Frustrated patients walk out of hospitals without treatment.
Obamacare still having a lot of problems. Waiting for a doc could be weeks.
Police: Man stole brains, sold them on EBAY. Brains!!
Those things are going fast in New Orleans according to Police Chief.
Officer Arrested for New Year's Eve Sex with Inmate in Prison Van.
"Even though I had a sign out about, "If This Van Is Rockin', Don't Bother Knockin'."
Obama Makes 4-Minute Visit to Grandfather's Grave.
"Now read me back his name again, Michelle. Never mind, I'll just say Grandfather. None of our news people will ask for his name. But watch out for FOX."
CA illegal immigrants can get law license, state Supreme Court rules #2
Judge had just came back from Colorado!
CA illegal immigrants can get law license, state Supreme Court rules.
Also, murderers must first get murder license unless they are aliens.
Pot stocks hit highs as CO legalizes.
Sticker Shock Stuns Users! Many say they are going back to growing it in their homes.
Obama's Half-Brother 'Floored' About President's Lying About Meeting Him #2
"It was while he was in college so he may have been stoned out of his head. But I was there for a month."
Obama's Half-Brother 'Floored' About President's Lying About Meeting Him.
"He's brought shame on our entire family, even worse than Billy Carter did his."
Toddler finds secret money stash, tears parents' life savings to pieces.
"Look Martha. He's crapped all over the $100 bill pieces."
Judge Rules on Marijuana
Jails will be charged with "Cruel & Unusual Punishment" if munchies withheld!
Man jailed on marijuana charges allowed to receive medical marijuana treatment.
Sends out message to buddies, "Hey, it's free in here!"
Walmart making ass of themselves!
China WAL-MART surprise: How did fox meat get into donkey products?
China WAL-MART surprise: How did fox meat get into donkey products?
Makes you want to run out to Wally World before all the fox meat is gone. However, customers being told that Fox Fazoo not nearly as good as Donkey Fazoo!
PETA Sending Out Women Clad In Lettuce Bikinis In Sub-Zero Temps To Urge Veganism.
Hope they're arrested for cruelty to Women!
Frozen Out: 98% of Network Stories Ignore That Ice-bound Ship Was On 'Global Warming' Mission.
Just Drudge and FOX News let this be known. Pass it on.
Winnipeg deep freeze -- cold as uninhabited planet.
"If they can take this, we have our answer on exploring Mars", says NASA!
NFL: Bitter cold coming to Green Bay on Sunday - High of four degrees.#3
Any idiots going without shirt with "Packers" on their chests will not be allowed to go into stadium.
NFL: Bitter cold coming to Green Bay on Sunday - High of four degrees.#2
Players on both teams warned not to stick their tongues out at each other.
NFL: Bitter cold coming to Green Bay on Sunday - High of four degrees
Overflow crowd expected. Special mats placed on seats to keep your ass from freezing to them.
'Global Warming Intensifies #3
Weathermen warm, "Wear thin layer of clothes but at least 20 thin layers!"
'Global Warming Intensifies #2
Several people already taken to hospital after suffering a "Cold Stroke"!
'Global Warming Intensifies!
If it gets any warmer, we'll all freeze to death.
Meteorologist: 'Exposed skin could freeze in 15 minutes'
So if you have a bladder problem, don't go outside. Whiz inside and throw it out later.
JFK shut down.
While we realize that he was shut down back in the 1960's, just a reminder that it's dangerous out there. ...You meant the Airport. Never mind.
Up to 30 inches of snow around New England.
Anyone three feet tall or shorter urged not to go outside but if you do, carry a flag so you can be seen.
Scottish square sausages are "the right shape" according to Salmond
Alexei Salmonds, says square Scottish sausage slices will be the only sausages allowed in the EU when he regains the Throne. They will have to be made in Scotland, but within the U.S.K after 2016.
Some Trouble Foreseen
Lots of people came in for pot's opening day are still here according to police. "I don't think they know how to leave."
Pot Store Sells Out by 2PM!
Snack stores within four blocks all cleaned out by 5 PM!
Denver Pot Crowd Could Be Embarrassing During Colts Game
"Hey looka that Wanda. There Peyote Manning! Say, you're not Wanda! Where is she? I need a snack."
North Koreans Will Be Allowed To Have Facebook Imitation Called Kimbook
Mad because he had no Facebook friends, Despot Kim Jung Un of North Korea created a social network called Kimbook. The one person that can be friended is Kim Jung Un & all DPRK is required to do so.
Comedian Big Hit in Denver
While crowd took a big hit in their seats. Roaring of laughter began before he told first joke. "I'll save money by telling jokes myself says owner.
One Pot Store Cleaned Out By Noon in Denver
But no rioting, "They were actually laughing, the ones who had got some were sharing. Maybe we got solution to American doldrums", says storekeeper.
Pedestrian Steps in front of Doctor's Car in Colorado
"Oh, he was high alright", snorts doctor. I tried to stop by dragging foot outside drivers door but couldn't stop. I'd say he was alive right up until he died."
Man Attempts to Fly Over Denver Airport By Flapping Airs
Pot smoking off to a bang-up start. Police say they had to fly up and get guy down from Airport Tower.
More Pot Tragedy
Fifteen rushed to hospital after suffering frostbite from doing the Bunny Hop outside Pot Store.
Hello! My name is John Denver!
Guy on pot gets answer from young lady at club in Colorado: "You look more like Denver Pyle."
Coors Not Happy With New Pot Law
Who wants to drink a cold brew in weather like this? Better to sit by the fire and light up!
First Colorado Pot Tragedy
Guy high on pot takes on mountain lion in Colorado with predictable results.
1,400+ flights stopped..
Santa Claus: Closest call I've had in years. Glad I'm here on the North Pole. We gonna snuggle tonight.
Cuomo Closes Highways in New York
Blizzard on the way all across northeast U.S. "Stay in tonight and do what you like!"
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