Spoof news snippets from Sunday 26 January 2014
American researchers have successfully grown turtle eggs in a laboratory dish
Event applauded by many, especially, Infertile the Turtle!
According to a new study, as much as 90 percent of people lie on online dating websites.
The one most common: "You may have to tell me what to do, I'm only 16."
Schwarzenegger Back In Movies
Arnold Schwarzenegger signed on to a brand-new "Terminator" film. Now, due to his age, this one features the catchphrase, "I'll be back or what's left of me".
United States Economy Really Bad
It has gotten to the point that Japan is now co-signing most of our checks!
A Massachusetts man was taken to the hospital this week after being sucked into a sausage-making machine.
He was sent to China where they processed him and sent him back to be served at a Ryans.
Donald Trump is not running for president.
"No one would take me serious with this thing on my head."
Study: Good looks, money and success do not make you happy
However, Being a butt ugly, poor,unsuccessful fartface guy hasn't brought anyone much happiness either.
No earthquake in California
It was just Actress Kirstie Alley's version of the "Hippy Hippy Shakes" shakes. Measured 1.2 on richter scale.
New Pro-Baseball Rule
Anyone caught in time-out to review actually scratching his privates will be fined $1,000 and the batter will be awarded first base. This would be the second "infield Fly rule".
New Mexican Family Upstairs
"How do i know? Spilled chili eat that hole in the roof and took off the tip of the dogs tail!"
Perhaps News Species Discovered in Amazon
Spectacular unknown species found in Amazon. It's not a female Big-Foot or Yeti but it does resemble a Sasquatch! "Perhaps this is where the Amazon Woman first lived?"
Spread of Aids Epidemic in Prisons
UN warning on AIDS in prisons. Free condoms and a big supply of Ky-Jelly will be handed to every prisoner upon arrival.
Research finds there is a brain link for words, music ability. "Shakespeare could play the spoons and it was, like magic", says stoner back in those days.
Vail Skiing Wild Event
"After totally wiped out on Marijuana, they get totally wiped out by other skiers!", says shop owner.
100 Stroes Too Many!
"The Potted Pipestem Puffer" is one of over 100 stores for the sales of marijuana in Denver has closed this week.Too much competition from 99 other stores in Denver. We'll try Aspen or Veil.
After 25% Social Diseases, Training Moved Elsewhere.
Training Special Forces at Fort Huachuca, Arizona for desert-like conditions & near Las Vegas for other types of climate, included three-day passes. Soldiers worn out after Las Vegas or Nagales leave.
FDA Reports on Cause of Swine Flu
In some countries, the health department are very sloppy in caring for their hogs.
PETA: Who's taking care of the chickens
"After all, they have the Flu too. I ask again, who's taking care of those poor chickens?"
Rand Paul Accuses Bill Clinton Of 'Predatory Behavior'
He's chasing women here and all over the Middle East women are treated worse than men treat animals.
US Officials Probe Illnesses on Caribbean Cruise
Chef says he used pink slime just like the Ronald McDonald recipe called for.
Nader: I Don't Know Why People Hording Food
If everything comes apart, where will you get your medical supplies?
Gold Mint Runs Overtime in Race to Meet World Coin Demand
As a wise Native American Chief once stated: You cannot eat money!"
New face of food stamps: Working-age Americans...
Washington doesn't seem to care how low the country goes.
White House warns Obama could go around Congress..
Congress warns that they may take it to Supreme Court about legality. "Maybe we can get him arrested or impeached", says Tea Party spokesman.
City to Emigrate if Labour Wins
The City of London will emigrate en masse to France if Labour win and introduce a 50% rate of tax for those earning over £150,000 per annum.
Doctor breaks neck, sees reality of health care
"The U.S. needs a lot more 'Primary Care' doctors. Though a specialist is fine, he's busy checking stats & looking up latest info. Then another expert will cover new & same thing while patient waits."
Athletes Apologize for Words, Behavior
That they intend to use during the Super Bowl next Sunday!
Tending the flock: Angry birds attack peace doves released from pope's window
"Some of you bishops tell the Swedish Guards to shoot those things. But not until the crowd leaves."
True Facts From Snoops #338
According to Snoops: China, in order to embarrass the United States, is now using rolled up dollar bills as toilet paper at their Ambassador's office and apartment at the U.N.
True Facts From Snoops #809
According to Snoops: For the past twelve Halloweens Al Gore has went trick or treating dressed as the President of the United States.
True Facts From Snoops #167
According to Soops: The most common name for a girl in the world is 'Sam'.
True Facts From Snoops #079
According to Snoops: Swallowing a big ball of bubble gum you that have been chewing & blowing will produce another large bubble as it goes out the other end and will eventually ruin a commode!
NRA Trying New Tactics
They have hired David Copperfield to make President Obama to disappear!
Dr. Oz Advice #6
"OK OK! It's true that I once could talk to the dead. I know you have read about it on the web. But I quit. They are soooo bored just lying there."
Dr. Oz Advice #5
"Remember, it will be time soon to spring forward for Daylight Saving Time. But try to do some stretching first, Also, when you fall back next fall, be sure you have something to fall on."
Dr. Oz Advice #4
"Before you take any prescription medication, ask your pharmacist to take one first!"
Dr. Oz Advice #3
"Don't throw away those pet worms. They make excellent fishing bait!
Dr. Oz Advice #2
"It's a good idea to keep some cow crap in your medicine to swallow if you ever accidentally swallow some poison. Make sure the cow had no parasites"
Dr. Oz Advice
"Be sure to examine your poop daily to see if there are any strange colors or smells."
Toto to Join Dr. Oz This Friday
Dr. Oz: "We wanted animals to watch our show also, in case they are people in their next life."
Chinese ships patrol area contested by Malaysia
Apparently planning to take over entire Far East.
McCain, Biden coming together for Sedona, Arizona forum #2
Political enemies find themselves nude in sweat lodge together.
McCain, Biden coming together for Sedona, Arizona forum
Each courting the witchcraft vote, influence.
Pope Francis calls for constructive dialogue in Ukraine
Also, Syria, Iran, Iraq, Egypt, Democrats & Republicans, Captain and Tennille.
Kerry arrives for Syria peace talks
Huge head frisked for contraband. "I wish they wouldn't do that."
Snowden says NSA engages in industrial espionage:
They say they are trying to catch China and Russian spies in USA industry red-handed.
Bi-Polar Bears Having A Rough Time
"Warm Day, Freezing Day! I don't know whether to go to the woods or hibernate!"
'Blind' Man Caught in Disability Fraud After Seen Driving Speed Boat.
"THIS is a speedboat? I couldn't tell, me being blind and all...watch your step."
Stephen Hawking: 'There are no black holes'.
"Plenty black pimps...ha..ha..ha! There are White Holes! Also There are White pimps. Ha! HA! I cracked myself up."
HSBC imposes restrictions on large cash withdrawals #4
"What's the $30,000 for? We're giving a big party for people in nursing homes in the states!" "Not with our money you're not! We can let you have $1,000 of your deposits but you must pay it back!"
HSBC imposes restrictions on large cash withdrawals #3
"Oh I need $20,000 for big bag of cocaine!" "OK Here's your money. Just checking."
HSBC imposes restrictions on large cash withdrawals #2
"I need the $25,000 to buy some really really good girl scout cookies!" No Money For You!
HSBC imposes restrictions on large cash withdrawals
Are being asked why large amounts. Another freedom down the drain!
Thief steals $22K -- worth of chicken eggs.
Has sold thousands to Justin Bieber alone!
New Poll on Spies Around the World Released!
"Our best estimate is that 5% of the world's employees are spies from other countries", says pollster.
Ecuador firm on reducing US presence, spies.
U.S. Threatens to quit Ecuador markets, sen Ecuador spies packing!
Pigs' heads sent to Israel embassy, synagogue in Rome.
Pope Francis: Does anyone here know how to make souse?
Courtney Love Wins TWITTER Defamation Trial.
Britney, Bieber,Obama, Bush, Cyrus all looking into The Spoof stories!
'The world is catching emerging markets flu' #2
United States, Britain declare "Year of Jubilee", all debts forgiven. "We all start over" being supported by 90% of other countries!
'The world is catching emerging markets flu'
Pumping more and more currencies out doesn't seem to work.
Growing Beard Popularity Shaves PROCTER & GAMBLE Sales.
If women let leg hair grow and quit bikinis, we'll be belly up!
ROMNEY: Putin a better president than Obama.
Obama: Kim of North Korea better president than Romney. Biden: I would be a better president than either one.
281 Passengers Sick Aboard ROYAL CARIBBEAN Ship #2
When rescuers got to them, they say the bathrooms were full, portable potties were full and several were hanging their butts over the side of the ship.
281 Passengers Sick Aboard ROYAL CARIBBEAN Ship.
Over 50 others say they are not feeling up to par, especially if there is gong to be a lawsuit.
AZ Republicans censure McCain for 'liberal' record.
"McCain is a Donkey in an elephant clothing!", say several leaders.
Swarms of drones next frontier in emergency response.
Newspaper, TV News staffs: "Follow those drones!"
Snowden Not Coming Back to the USA.
"I have too many enemies there now. Everybody considers me a traitor, just because I took U.S. secrets and gave them away! Other countries are doing the same. Whoops!"
It Mata's not!
what's the Mata
Secrets of Heinrich Himmler's lettuce to be published
Maybe, be cos it proves he was a Nazi vegan
Obama has little concrete to offer disillusioned middle classes?
London Underground engineers say maybe it's because world supplies have dried up after tons of the quick drying stuff accidentally flooded a signal control room at Victoria Station last Friday
Propane shortage reaches emergency levels
Plenty of coal all over the United States. People could freeze to death but still a do-nothing Washington.
"Bad Case of Hemroids" May Change Name!
This would change tribal tradition to name child first thing that happens after they are born.
Frightening News From National Park
"Old Faithful has shot his wad! Nothing coming out! Is the whole area about to blow?" Area Native Americans doing special "Old Faithful Dance" that was handed down by Indians.
Greece Still Having Problems
"Well if Greece falls, we all fall because of the domino effect", says Sec. of Treasury. "NOT!!" "Had you going there for awhile!...Is that a gun, Mr President? Why are you leaving it here?"
Stephen Hawking: Black Holes May Not Have 'Event Horizons' After All
Seven billion humans give a big sigh of relief! Well, those that knew what he was talking about. I'm not one of those. So, what was he talking about?
281 Passengers Ill Aboard ROYAL CARIBBEAN Ship.
Other two passengers doing just fine which makes the sick 281 mad!
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