Spoof news snippets from Thursday 23 January 2014
Top American Fears
Clowns didn't make it to top 10 fears. #1 was still "Speaking before a group." After noting that 'Death' was #7, Jay Leno says he guessed that people were more scared of giving a eulogy than of dying.
True Facts From Snoops #884
According to Snoops: Several Jews were rounded up in NYC after hearing the news that the Titanic had been sunk by an Iceberg.
True Facts From Snoops #884
According to Snoops: A few Cadbury Chocolate Eggs were discovered to have a rabbit fetus inside.
True Facts From Snoops #150
According to Snopes: The artificial sweetener aspartame causes baldness in cats. Be sure to read ingredients on cat food.
True Facts From Snoops #764
According to Snoops: Betsy Ross also sewed a fake flag with skull & cross bones with motto "That's Right, We're Bad!" on it and shows it first. No one laughs.
Arkansas Woman arrested for arson, attempted murder.
Ark. women, tired of husband coming in drunk & going to bed, hides in garage after lighting ten toe hot foot. Waits for shouting but after awhile, only hears firetruck coming to put out house fire.
Sometimes they come in two's
Mike Tindall Reveals Name Of Zara Phillips' Baby....."oh god, I'm so excited...permission to exhale please!"
Who the F is Man United?
Don't ask Captain Moyes, he's just hit an Iceberg and his Titanic is sinking fast!
STUDY: Texting while walking throws off balance and posture.
Also stepping out into the road in traffic, potholes, manholes, snakes and telephone poles.
CRAIGSLIST sperm donor to lesbian couple owes child support.
Hundreds of sperm donors immediately head for Sperm Banks!
REPORT: Obama Admin. Worries Israel Is Riling Up the Jews.
Many fear President Obama is coming down with George Bush Disease! He's showing the early signs. Ask him to say 'nuclear'!
Professor: California Drought May Be Worst Since 1500s.#2
Native Americans then blamed it on global warming, Columbus bad-luck arrival!
Professor: California Drought May Be Worst Since 1500s.
"Oh it's not as bad as all that", says Regis. "But it could be getting closer. You had to be there."
MOODY'S downgrades health insurers on Obamacare.
The level of care you will receive will be better than that of Nigeria but below that of Cuba!
RESOLUTION: University students demand higher quality toilet paper.
Most support students with all the crap they hear from most College Professors!
China's richest man says business much easier with British than Americans.
Better watch out Brits! Before you know it you'll owe them $15 Trillion dollars! Watch the dog food and leaded Paint.
Canada Will NOT Take Justin Bieber Back
In an attempt to deport Canadian pop star Justin Bieber after his recent DUI & vandalism, US authorities were thwarted by the Canadian government. "No way are you sending him back here!" spoke Canada.
Hingham Weighs Noise Ordinance That Could Technically Ban Loud Conversation
Except while on the cellphones, of course. During sporting events! LOL!
REPORT: Canada now more business-friendly than USA.
Many Americans burning business cards, carry anti-US signs, heading for Canada!
Salina Gomez Speaks Out
"Seventeen "ranks her as the most powerful woman 21 and younger." But the star says that she's not doing enough for her fans. "I work 17 hrs a day, am creative as i can be. I'm so guilty."
Obama to Partner With GOOGLE for 'First-Ever Presidential Hangout Trip'.
Modern version of Fireside chats to take place live from Denver, Colorado!
Ibiza holiday jet in near miss with UFO over Reading
"They were horrible-looking creatures with hair on their heads and multi-colored faces", say most aboard the UFO!
Mylie Cyrus To Star In New Role
The producer of a new version of Mary Poppins said today that Mylie was given the part.
Glen Beck Sorry He Almost Destroyed US
Former host said that he helped to tear "fragile" America apart. His psychotherapist said it's a typical statement from one suffering from delusions of grandeur.
STUDY: Omega-3 intake linked to signs of brain aging.
Also those overdoing it starting to grow gills.
Jill Abramson: 'Most secretive White House I have ever dealt with'.
"I'm surprised they even talk to each other!"
Reality Show Starring Ghetto Welfare Recipients Sparks Controversy.
Welfare recipients say it's a lot worse than TV Show makes it appear! "Those people would be 'Middle Class' in Detroit", says one.
'Socialist USA' Blueprint to Be Published.
Country name to change to the United Socialists of America!
Obama wants debt ceiling increase AGAIN in February.
That means it will cost his girls and everyone their age to owe $50,000 a year forever.
Justin Bieber Jailed in Florida
Judge made him serve the full thirty minutes.
GALLUP: Two-Thirds Say Federal Gov't 'Too Big, Powerful'.
"The Man Is Too Big, The Man Is Too Strong" (Dire Straits)
Baby born on sled!
Santa Claus offers to have a DNA test. "I'm much too busy and old for that to happen!"
True Facts From Snoops #812
According to Snoops: Spanky of the Little Rascals had a sex change and was part of the rock group: Spanky & Our Gang. They had a hit with "Sunday (Nor Spanky) Will Never Be the Same".
True Facts From Snoops #767
According to Snoops: Microwaving food in plastic containers adds the compound of the container to the food in the container...but doesn't it taste heavenly? It all becomes one big crap anyway.
True Facts From Snoops #775
According to Snoops: French finally admit that a man in drag posed for the Statue of Liberty.
True Facts From Snoops #511
According to Snoops: The ingestion of blood pudding increases the risk of coronary disease.
Can't get through, child dying, penalty from Man United
U.S. security contractor charged with 'dumping' background checks
Sticking US taxpayers with another payoff. They should be fined double the money they were given by our free-handed Washington.
NBC Is Bringing Back Bill Cosby To Do Another Family Sitcom
This time he is playing the great, great grandfather.
Olympic security threat: Russian intelligence hunting for "black widow
Also watching out for the Fiddler and the Brown Recluse!
Rare Borneo Bay Cat Captured in Stunning Photo
PETA objects to rare animal being stunned!
McDonald's sees fewer customers, sales disappoint
"It seems like people just suddenly got tired of our pink slime burgers and lard fries", says one manager.
Psychiatric Cure Claimed
Remedy for political impotence (aka: one man,one vote) said to be spoof writing. Critics say it's just the placebo effect.
True Facts From Snoops #789
According to Snoops: Report: A monkey placed in a cage near a sick child will draw the sickness away from the child and into the monkey.
True Facts From Snoops #509
According to Snoops: Several men and women ten feet tall and sporting John Kerry-type heads have been spotted near the Fukushima Plants in Japan.
True Facts From Snoops #887
According to Snoops: Eric the Red was the first known Communist in America.
True Facts From Snoops #097
According to Snoops: The White House was repainted solid White after the British burned it down in War of 1812. A most difficult job.
Japan tells world to stand up to China or face consequences.
"We can easily see all the signs because our own leaders led us there in WWII."
U.S. warships on call for Sochi.
Just in case they need to get athletes need to leave in a hurry.
Unusual Medical Incident
New England man treated this week for simultaneous frostbite and scalding after holding mug of hot coffee bare-handed in below zero weather.
HANNITY: I would consider running for office
Says he will attend The Piss-Poor State of the Union address.
Drunk Bieber Arrested Drag Racing in South Beach! #3
"He's fast becoming a menace", says officer. "People will change his name to Gerber."
Drunk Bieber Arrested Drag Racing in South Beach! #2
"He himself was dressed normally but how he got a dozen old drag queens running down the street, we don't know", say police. "I'd say money."
Drunk Bieber Arrested Drag Racing in South Beach!
Police: "He's becoming a threat to people's lives while acting like six-year-old."
Arctic owl swoops into DC.
It's Cold!! Sasquatch seen roaming backstreets of New York City. Penguins spotted in Key West!
Intrepid explorer Anton Dec gets emotional at National Television Awards....I know the feeling cobber, I know the feeling...enough to make anyone break down and cry!
Swimming in it
A Brighton man has become the first person to swim the entire length of Britain's sewer network. He even swam Buckingham Palace's sewer. His reply when asked why: "No other shit would do it!"
Breakthrough in Middle East Talks
Israel agrees not to call the late Arafat, Butt-ugly!
Deep Freeze Continues in Northeast U.S.
City warns citizens that tomorrow night to be a another nut number!
Lots of Circus Employees lose jobs!
Guidance Counselor Advises Pin Head Boy to Consider Future in hack-proofing Obamacare.
Expert: Nostradamus Predicted Don McLean's American Pie
Also, Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start The Fire" plus the Macarena!
Yes But What Does It Mean?
Kwanzaa passes Hanakkah and Festivus as least known holiday!
Gore Loses Again
Supreme Court Overturns Gore's movie about Global Warming. "He seems to enjoy the spotlight", says Judge Ginsburg.
Pentagon eyes 10,000 troops for Afghanistan, or none
White House: Joe Biden to flip a coin. Ex-Afghan fighting soldier: I'll flip Joe Biden! Arrested.
As Target fallout continues, incidents of fraud emerge #4
Lady in Nursing home gets bill from travel agency for world trip cost of $25,000.
As Target fallout continues, incidents of fraud emerge #3
Man receives bill for $10,000 for tickets he bought for the Super Bowl!
As Target fallout continues, incidents of fraud emerge #2
Thirty Year Old female in NYC gets bill for 100 heads of hogs!
As Target fallout continues, incidents of fraud emerge
One 85-year-old lady shows her bill for hiring a dozen prostitutes.
Iran: We did not agree to dismantle anything!
"No matter how many papers the President waves in the air. Probably reefer papers."
True Facts From Snoops #558
According to Snoops: "Big Dog Dog Food" from China has been found to contain a large amount of toilet water in it.
True Facts From Snoops #645
According to Snoops: President Richard M. Nixon's middle name was actually "Mulligan" as his dad loved to play golf.
True Facts From Snoops #225
According to Snoops: Up to ten stowaways were aboard the Titanic but were picked up later by a French ship off an iceberg.
True Facts From Snoops #976
According to Snoops: George Washington through a fit crossing the Potomac River after standing up and falling in the river three times.
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