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Rating:

Justin Bieber to Marry Demi Moore

Justin Bieber (who is 19), announced that he and 51 year old Demi Moore will be getting married. He said, "We both love getting high, taking our clothes off in public, and being highly annoying!"

written by Al N., 20 January 2014
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True Facts From Snoops #981

According to Snoops: John F Kennedy was the first president to not wear a wig to the swearing in ceremony!

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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True Facts From Snoops #098

According to Snoops: When John Hancock signed the Declaration of Independance with huge letters, he stated, "There, is that OK? I'm half blind."

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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Randy Meats Makes Confession

Randy Meats confessed today of using horse meat in hot dogs & balony. "We apologize to our many customers", says CEO. Trots off stage.

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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Shoving match breaks out when stylist turns client's brown hair blue

Salon Owner blames Song on radio, 'Don't It Make My Brown (Hair) Eyes Blue' during treatment.

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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This photo shows Russia may have a toilet problem in Sochi #2

Adult diapers expected to sale for premium prices!

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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WorldViews: This photo shows Russia may have a toilet problem in Sochi

Travelers plan to squat wherever they can.

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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Obama goes on German TV to mend ties

President begins preparing for leaving office and doing late night German Tie infomercials.

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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Temporary Nuclear Deal With Iran Takes Effect

"It's only for two weeks but it's a start", say negotiators.

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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POLL: Two Thirds of Israelis Think Obama Will Let Iran Go Nuclear.

"He doesn't seem to care so we are free to use our own to defend ourselves. President could have prevented WWIII if it comes to that", says foreign ambassador.

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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GAMES: Urgent Search for 'Black Widow' Suicide Bomber, May Be Already in Sochi.

Several lone suitcases, pressure cooker decoys found already!

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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Fred Gwynne: An Amazing Actor

According to Snoops: Fred Gwynne, who landed the row of Herman Munster, was once considered for the lead role in the movie, "A Summer Place".

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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Jan 20: This Week In Alternate History

1862 - Embattled Union soldiers were comforted by the time-traveling disembodied floating head of John Lennon, who taught them the meaning of peace, love, and the joys of tantric sex.

written by Sheepface, 20 January 2014
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Virgin nun gives birth to baby boy; Jesus!

A virgin nun in italy has given birth to a baby boy giving more proof that Mary was either lying or Joseph was not impotent! Jesus, whatever next? I wash my hands of the whole thing!

written by Jaggedone, 20 January 2014
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Suicide Bombers Promise 'Surprise Package' for Sochi

Putin: Oh don't believe that nonsense! They're just putin you on!

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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'Homeland Security' Gave Muslim Brotherhood VIP Treatment, No TSA Pat Downs.

Muslim Brotherhood also received Key to the Country, easy ricin recipes and explosives.

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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Richard Simmons Introduces New Exercise Video

"Twerking To The Oldies" will be out in April. "It's especially good for reducing the tail", he tells reviewer.

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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Velveeta Cheese Admits Ingredients

"So it doesn't have a the vitamins and minerals, it has some. Of course, there's no actual cheese but it has a ten year storage rating. Mostly yellow slime!

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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Arnold Schwarzenegger Drinks Bud Light for $3M in New Super Bowl Ad

Also crushes empty can with penis!

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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Politics In Denver

The Tea Party local group in Denver, Colorado change name to the Pot Party!

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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Nepal Doctor Strike Leaves Thousands Without Care

Watch situation closely as that may be what happens here", warns Tea Party.

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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Jailed American 'Confesses,' Praises North Korea

"I've even donated a couple of toes so they can use them for Kim if he ever has one missing."

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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Tennessee Doc Known For Blunt Language

"I have your diagnosis. You're either dying or you're dead already, same as the rest of us. Now don't come in here for me to put a bandaid on again."

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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True Facts From Snoops #994

According to Snoops: The movie "Home Alone" was loosely based on Henry David Thoreau's book, Walden.

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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True Facts From Snoops #555

According to Snoops: There are only three cases of Psychic Edgar Cayce having a wet dream while he was in sleeping mode. In both cases, he refused to comment.

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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True Facts From Snoops #088

According to Snoops: Smokey Mountain guides will tell you that should you meet a bear on a trail either play dead or fill your pants & that sometimes it takes both to keep you from being eaten alive.

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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True Facts From Snoops #115

According to Snoops: Thomas Jefferson replaced the buffalo on the nickel after it was discovered that it was actually a bison.

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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Monks Release First American Trappist Ale

"Well, it's pretty good", stated judge. "But in comparison to their fruitcakes, Id say this is the best beer ever!"

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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Most Romantic Rock Song

Van Morrison won the contest for most romantic rock song with 'Moondance', barely edging out, "Louie, Louie".

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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Redneck sues over being called a redneck!

The Indians get to change their name and the blacks get theirs says three-toothed redneck!

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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Do you think people who say "Like" repeatedly are annoying?

Like, sometimes it can really get to me and I'm like pulling out my hair!

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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Rodman checks into rehab

Asks lady at desk and physician if he can bring Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner in with him. "Sounds like brainwashing to me", says doctor.

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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Robotic probe to awaken for comet rendezvous, landing...24,600 mph.

But will be tested first at Utah Salt Flats!

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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Nun gives birth to baby named after Pope.

Pope Francis sure is getting around, making a lot of changes.

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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New Jersey Dems plan to expand Christie!

I'm sorry. That should read, "New Jersey Dems plan to expand Christie probe!" Or at least until election time.

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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GREEN COLLAPSE: Europe to Ditch Climate Protection Goals; Pave Way for Fracking.

Admit that this could cause a few protests. If so, price of gas to double. "Since you're walking in protest, you can walk to work, home, hospital", say authorities.

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
Rating:

PERP: 84-year-old man beaten bloody by cops for resisting jaywalking ticket.

Oh yes, we're becoming a police state alright!

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
Rating:

NYC Handing Out Thousands of Tickets for Jaywalking. #6

Also on the books: "The penalty for jumping off a building is death." I guess the next of kin pays for the ticket.

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
Rating:

NYC Handing Out Thousands of Tickets for Jaywalking. #5

Also still on books: It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun. (I guess it's OK if it's thrown for a killing).

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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NYC Handing Out Thousands of Tickets for Jaywalking. #4

Also still on books: Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers".

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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NYC Handing Out Thousands of Tickets for Jaywalking. #3

Also still on books: Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 PM.

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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NYPD launches jaywalking ticket blitz.

Also, persons may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket being enforced!

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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NYPD launches jaywalking ticket blitz.

Thus far, 10 million tickets given out. 95% say they won't pay. "Where you gonna put us. Jails and prisons full now.

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
Rating:

Iran '2 to 3 weeks' from nuclear bomb.

Everyone glad that was worked out months ago. "We knew they'd keep their word", says negotiator while hurriedly leaving area with family.

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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State Obamacare exchange directs callers to pottery store...

"Hey! Don't change it. We're almost sold out and everyone thinks they have free health care also", says owner.

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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More Threats to Olympics!

Senator: I'd Stay Home...maybe attend events where we're safe, like the Boston Marathon.

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
Rating:

Official admits 'minor' abuses of NSA database.

So far a few wrong people water boarded, imprisoned and shot. Otherwise, doing fine.

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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New terrorist threat for Sochi Olympics.

Terrorists threaten to put resin in steroids, mis laxatives in bottled water.

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
Rating:

Police in California Use Tranquilizers On Bieber

After getting raw eggs thrown at them when they came to arrest him! "It took two fired into the neck and one in the butt to bring him down", says officer. "He needs help bad."

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
Rating:

Present to Don Knotts

While Don Knotts who played Barney Fife was alive, I tried to cheer him up with some of my humor. But he sent back a note saying, "Snippet! Snippet in the Bud!"

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
Rating:

Singer Justin Bieber says he threw eggs because he is Bi-Polar

Then denies the whole thing. "Nothing wrong with me that an egg up side your head wouldn't cure."

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
Rating:

Lance Armstrong Refuses to Give up Trophies

"Hey, I may have used steroids but I only had one ball, so that made it even steven!"

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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Schwarzenegger Goes On Rampage When Chip in Head Shorts Out!

Hundreds of stunt men bodies found in huge grave. At least 20 Best Boys missing!

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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Canada Deploys Own Anti-Missile Program

"We now have the 'Iron Moose' so the US can quit trying to defend us", says PM.

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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Grammy Award Nominees to be Tested for Steroids

Justin Bieber given a pass. "If he's taking steroids, he must really be about two-foot tall", jokes judge!

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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Pope Francis to Appear as Guest Host on SNL!

"Because I'm a wild and crazy pope!"

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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Silly Woman Throws Away Box Into Trash Bag That Came in Box

"This has changed our whole universe", says Stephen Hawking. "Don't be surprised if black hole appears over the earth!!"

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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Fed judge gives Chicago 180 days to rewrite gun ban

Location of Speakeasys and bathtub gin around the city.

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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UKIP party have natural comedy talent now exceeding that of Kim Jon un

UKIP, Britain's chief comedy party appear to be trying to attract Spoof writers' attention by consistently shooting their credibility in the arse. They have now topped Kim Jon un in the twat league.

written by Auntie Jean, 20 January 2014
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NO WORSE THAN BOOZE? Obama: Weed is no more dangerous than alcohol

"I have smoked a joint or two and been drunk on my ass and I couldn't tell any difference between the two."

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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Congressional leaders wary of Obama's course on NSA changes

We cannot stand by and let our citizens become afraid of their own government!

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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Ex-Air Force Men Say Cheating Normal

Officers in charge of operating nuclear missiles have always cheated in readiness tests covering safety matters. "We never knew what we were doing Why the heat now? " asked a former officer

written by Keith Shirey, 20 January 2014
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Concern Over Super Bowel Fly By

The air force has decided to use F-35 fighter jets for the Super Bowel flay over. It has numerous design flaws and could crash into football fans. Lockheed-Northrup who built it is a game sponsor.

written by Keith Shirey, 20 January 2014
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Rebel Defends Cannibalism

Mumaud al Bin Dahmer, rebel commander fighting in Syria, today explained why he ate the hearts of regime supporters he had killed. "Cannibalism in the pursuit of liberty is no vice," he said.

written by Keith Shirey, 20 January 2014
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First Amendment Now Repealed

Said Sen. Ted Cruz, who led fight to get rid of it, "It wasn't used for years. There's no separation between church and state, peaceful demonstrators are jailed, corporations censor TV news, etc."

written by Keith Shirey, 20 January 2014
Rating:

Christie Remains Popular

In spite of "bridgegate" and revelations and 3 new scandals emerging, NJ Gov. has 98% approval rating of NJ residents. Why? A typical statement is "I know he's corrupt but he's blunt, outspoken."

written by Keith Shirey, 20 January 2014
Rating:

Vladimir Putin Defends Anti-Gay Law, but Vows No 'Problems' for Olympic Visitors

"I will even give out free nude phot0graphs of myself to those who want one.

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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PLO Rockers At It Again With Israel

"We will, we will, Rock You! We Will, We Will, Rock You!"

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
Rating:

New terrorist threat for Sochi Olympics.

New video threatens anyone coming to the area!

written by Bureau, 20 January 2014
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