Spoof news snippets from Sunday 9 February 2014
US Ambassador To Argentina Doesn't Know Where It Is
Ambassadorships are rewards for political donations. But Argentinians are upset that newly appointed Janet Rich can't locate their country on a map because she doesn't know what continent it's on.
Football Players Sometimes Go Hungry
Football players with low dollar scholarships can't buy food on occasion. Players say there ought to be a miimum amount in them. The head of the NCAA said that they ought to use food stamps.
Why does Rand Paul keep bringing up Monica Lewinsky?
Easy to answer! He likes rattling the Clinton's cage as Hillary setting sights on White House, as Paul is also.
Aging America heading for disaster.
Now that baby boomers are the elders, there's not enough young workers or people who will work, to support their Social Security, etc. Many are continuing to work because of insurance & livelihood.
Far Right Brits Contact Tea Party Express
The far right British National Party is failing. So they are in contact with the US' Tea Party to find out how their racist, know-nothing, anti-immigrant, message can be more effective.
Misstress Of French Pres. Won't Go To White House
President Obama invited President Hollande of france for a state dinner. But his mistress won't be coming. The actress, Blanche DuMois, says that it would be boring since the Obamas are "straight."
True Facts From Snoops #174
According to Snoops: The Japanese have invented a huge screen TV that you can actually jump into and become an 'extra' in the plot!
True Facts From Snoops #903
According to Snoops: Some spiders eat their leftover web and recycle the protein for most for their new web. Naturally, they are green!
True Facts From Snoops #401
According to Snoops: England's Royalty uses Windsor Castle as a home. It's 200 times bigger than the typical house and 500 times bigger than yours.
True Facts From Snoops #723
According to Snoops: Raccoons use their human-like front paws to pry open garbage cans and scrounge for food under the night and under the...uh..garbage lid.
Israel PM slams Iran move to send ships towards US
Kind of sad when another country has to point that out to us. I remember John Kennedy. 'Run our blockade of Cuba and we will sink those ships!'
Polygamy thrives in Utah
If you want to get high, go to Colorado. If you want twenty wives, head for Utah!
Chris Christie: US economy may be stuck in slow lane for long run
And who would know more about a slow lane that Chris Christie?
Continuing severe politician warning for South of England
Despite the worst influx of senior politicians for decades, meterologists are warning residents of the Somerset Levels that there is worse to come.
Maine Police Investigating Screams Find Happy Pig
Police say they don't blame neighbors for calling. It sounded like a woman screaming to them too.
NY Couple Charged After Toddler Calls 911 15 Times
"We thought it would be good for her to learn to call but I guess she is too young."
Woman Gives 3 Illinois Waitresses $5,000 Each
Note: Better spend it soon while it's still worth something.
Pope's Harley Goes Under Auction Hammer in Paris
Brings big bucks. His leather jacket and brass next to be auctioned.
'Big Mouth Billy Bass' Scares Away Burglar
I guess the burglar couldn't tell his elbows from his bass!
Bottle Released by Mass. Scientist in 1956 Found
"It reads 'We will never place a rocket on the moon as the power to launch it would explode'."
Empty Elevator Shaft Nearly Swallows Athlete.
"Guess they were in a hurry and placed a door without putting in the elevator yet."
New surveillance technology capable of watching you, and you and you too
"We can now trace you from three different angles", says FBI agent. "I think we could arrest a million people if we had somewhere to place them."
Alex Rodriguez withdraws lawsuit to overturn suspension
"I can sit out a season and still make a lot of money", he told reporters. I'll be like Peyton Manning. Sign somewhere the year after."
TSA Amazed at Attempts
Guns, grenades, human skull fragments, shrunken heads, petrified frog, fake puke and a pepper spray disguised as a lipstick.
American adventurer missing in Mexico
Mexican police checking latest pile of heads placed outside their headquarters by drug lords. "No match yet!"
EBay Arrest First In Awhile #2
Most bricks painted gold and sold on ebay were sold to rich in Congress, Senate and White House. Victims demand death penalty.
EBay Arrest First In Awhile
John Putter arrested for selling bricks with gold paint on them. "I put some real gold into paint", he argues.
Heroin's Euphoric High Makes It Hard to Quit!!
The best idea is not to publish anything about this, according to rehabs. (Sorry)
U.N.: Aid Convoy in Syria's Homs Won't Be Deterred by Attacks
Of course, the "We" are the ones sitting on their rumps in New York City!
Popecycle Sold at Auction
Brings ten times it's value. Money donated to charities.
Benedict 'At Peace' One Year After Stepping Down as Pope
Not bad being Assistant Pope. More time to study, laugh at Spoof Snippets!
True Facts From Snoops #625
According to Snoops: The National Animal of Brazil is the white-tailed sunbather.
True Facts From Snoops #322
According to Snoops: To steer clear of predators, most salamanders are nocturnal and have toxic skin. These guys are very, very careful when mating.
True Facts From Snoops #187
According to Snoops: Leadbeaters Possum was supposed to be extinct for more than 50 years until someone found a couple singing the blues in New Orleans.
True Facts From Snoops #087
According to Snoops: Super strict Nobles made sure a knight, who was to be exactly seven years old and free of handicaps, to begin training when he was "no bigger than a grasshopper!"
18-foot python found in Florida
"He was so cute when he was only seven feet long", says former owner.
Firefighter cuffed while on duty
House burns to the ground. Home owners to sue police. "They could have waited until the fire was put out", says owner.
Sex scandals rock military top brass
There's more brass monkeyshines going on out there now than ever say officials!
Giant 5-foot jellyfish hits the beach
Other sunbathers on the beach give him plenty of room!
Gay couples to get federal benefits
Free cheese for the rest of your life. Not much of anything else. You'll stand in line with the rest of us, waiting six-eight weeks for a doctor.
Biden slams New York airport
Starts off with tower and proceeds to kick walls and pound fists on water fountains.
8.7 million pounds of meat recalled
Almost none of it was closely inspected but the meat came from diseased animals.
Airstrike kills key Palestinian militant
Just missed al-Qaida #2. "We'll get him with the next one", says Air Force Colonel. "Meanwhile, this was a good one to get."
Report: Iran moving warships near U.S.
"Good", says naval officer. "This way they'll be easier to hit."
Can rape on campus be stopped?
"Give out free kegs of beer with saltpeter in it, like they do in the military", stated One lady Police officer. "Perhaps if they were castrated?"
Teen heroin use exploding in suburbs
"This is the generation that hates work (not all) and love the drugs so they go into crime", stated an FBI spokesman.
President A Nerd?
President Barack Obama himself was debriefed while speaking on Afghanistan this morning as a joker escapes without being caught. Police to review security tapes.
True Facts From Snoops #915
According to Snoops: Nostradamus, the 16th century astrologer, predicted that he would be the subject of a Spoof Snippet on this very day. People mocked!
True Facts From Snoops #320
According to Snoops: Scorpions glow in the dark if you shine a black light on them. So carry one if you're out west so that you will be able to see what killed you.
True Facts From Snoops #801
According to Snoops: Moonrats spend their nights marking their territory and humming Van Morrison's "Moondance" while looking for a lover.
True Facts From Snoops #175
According to Snoops: The Whip-o-will is known for it's call. However, it sometime mocks a Bob White to lure in a Bob White babe!
True Facts From Snoops #520
According to Snoops: In the Middle Ages, barbers also were the castle doctor and dentist. Plus he had to carry a tune with three other guys.
Iranian TV airs simulated bombing of Tel Aviv, US aircraft carrier.
Look for U.s. filmmakers set Schwarzenegger and Stallone loose on Iran in next big action film.
Khamenei: America has 'controlling, meddlesome' attitude...
"While we have settled some time ago here in the middle east!"
Peed off at the Winter Olympics!
Homos have been banned and now Putin has banned peeing in public at the Olympic village and I'm pissed off!!!
Clinton in denial
Former US President has denied he had an affair with Elizabeth Hurley. He also denied affairs with Queen Elizabeth II, Baroness Margaret Thatcher and, more pointedly, his wife Hilary. More to come.
Biggest Worry at Somalian Writer's Conference
Greatest Worry at U.S. Writer's Conference
Cupid Forgoes East Coast Route this Valentine's Day
too darn cold!
What the heck....
is a persimmon?
Corn Dogs Get Bad Rap at Vegetarian Conference
but Tofu Dogs instead? YUCK!
Crocodiles Tired of Being Mistaken for Alligators
ask world's teachers to teach more science....
Copy Cat Crime in Louisville, Kentucky
Slightly smarter skinny man steals 20 bottles of whiskey from liquor store using 38 Special instead of pants...
40 Years Later China Finally Discovers Disco
Colorado Gets the Most Votes!
...for most adolescent state in the nation
P.S.A. Groups Forming Throughout Colorado
Nothing to do with prostate screening, folks - everything to do with Pot Smokers Anonymous.
Rocky Mountain West Sends Thank You to East Coast
for taking the brunt of the winter snow storms....
East Coast Running out of Rock Salt for Icy Roads
50 Years Later China Finally Discovers the Beatles
Eskimos Send Winter Survival Tips to East Coast #5
What fish in what hole in the ice? replies East Coast.
Eskimos Send Winter Survival Tips to East Coast #4
100 words for "snow" - are you kidding?! replies East Coast.
Eskimos Send Winter Survival Tips to East Coast #3
When Quinn the Eskimo gets there he will tell you all you need to know.
Eskimos Send Winter Survival Tips to East Coast #2
Where the heck are we supposed to find seal blubber? replies East Coast.
Eskimos Send Winter Survival Tips to East Coast #1
What the heck are mukluks? replies East Coast.
Eastern Coast Birds Flying to the Southwest
before they freeze their little feathers off
New Explanation for the Polar Vortex Cited
Professor Ole Kierstat of Oslo Polytechnic explains the Polar Vortex dominating the Northern Hemisphere this winter is due to the ice and snow wake thrown up by the Norway Women's Cross-Country team.
New Webcast Series Announced:
Comedians On Crack, Getting More Crack
True Facts From Snoops #362
According to Snoops: King Curtis of Prussia died of a heart attack after four goofy riders fed their steeds green persimmons. "Curtis cried, "It's the Four Horsemen of the Puckered Lips!" and died.
True Facts From Snoops #481
According to Snoops: Not only is there a sign in Key West, Florida that reads, "You are only 90 Miles from Cuba", if you push the button, you can hear Ricky Ricardo sing "BaBa Loo"!
True Facts From Snoops #581
According to Snoops: In an experiment where the male takes a penis pill, ten percent of husbands say only their big toes got longer.
Teachers Strike Idle Schoolchildren 6 Days In A Roll
Is it the same ones they're working on or just mad because they got no pay raise and taking it out on the children.
Bobsledder Johnny Quinn Breaks Through Locked Door
I tried my best to stop the sled but the brakes went out!
Flu Shot Fail: Why Doesn't the Vaccine Always Work?
Because the shot you took was for the last known flu virus and they are constantly changing! So all we need is a shot that changes as the virus changes. But apparently they do not get along well.
US grapples with bedbugs, misuse of pesticides has made them into super bugs!
President orders ricin to be sprayed over entire area. "That should fix them!"
18 ft. Python Caught in Florida
Man upset over wheelie bin fines, sits in his & punches out two collectors when they take off the lid.
Performs the first Double-Knockout! That raises the bar on the new game!
Now it's Moby Dick Sickness
Cruise line: 250 sick aboard ship in Caribbean as white whale with skeleton tied to it's side keeps bumping and playing with ship.