Spoof news snippets from Friday 7 February 2014
Teen Arrested For Peeping Tom
Police say it was the home of 85-year-old man. Teen admits that at about that time of night, he turned on computer's naughty sites. "That would explain the binoculars."
Haven't seen Burger King Lately?
That's because he was arrested in front of a McDonald's, showing Ronald his Whooper. All Ronald could do is point at his big shoes.
Mrs. Jimmy Carter Gets A Call
"Is this Rosalynn?" "Yes it is" "This is Jimmy, Rosalynn. I'm at the Atlanta Airport. Where should I be?" "At that Native American habitat." "Right. Just seeing if your memory was slipping. Bye!."
Groucho Day on The Hill!
In an attempt to "light up" congress and senate, President has declared a "Groucho Day". We need to stop grouching. He asks everyone to put on the glasses, nose and mustache in next negotiations.
Sure Signs of Global Warming!
Scientists connect global warming to extreme snow, sleet, rain, riots in Egypt and Peyton Manning watching that first snapped football fly by his head on the first play last Sunday night.
Man tries to jump White House fence
Loses all dignity as clothes ripped off, loses testicle still hanging on the fence.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one around to hear it, does it make a noise?
Why would it make any difference if no one heard it? I heard plenty popping and crashing in ice. But if I were in Florida, I'd never hear it but it sounded like a shotgun here.
Warning From Dalai Lama
The Dalai Lama warns that nuclear war might force everyone to be reincarnated as cockroaches or Chinese. "Both have been after me for a long time...3-5 incarnations ago."
Edward Snowden was always leaking something at school!
"He claimed he had a bladder problem. Could be. He got a lot of atomic wedges!"
Local Man Throws His Heart Into Feeding The Poor!
"I didn't mean my actual heart....but my innermost...HEY! Where are you taking me!"
True Facts From Snoops #961
According to Snoops: The Hawaiian word "Aloha" can mean "Hello", "Goodbye" and "Thank You Mam".
True Facts From Snoops #530
According to Snoops: The British author who created James Bond was himself a spy during WWII. He often went by the name, "Foggy Dewhurst".
True Facts From Snoops #432
According to Snoops: Some ancient dinosauers had feathers and are believed to be the ancestors of our Native Americans!
True Facts From Snoops #163
According to Snoops: In many villages in India, rowdy teens catch 'Holy Men' meditating by looking at the sun, use a magnifying glass for colossal hotfoot!
US Military Accused By Iran of Making More Weapons!
They want US Military to stop making their own WMDs. U.S. Military say our making 100 million drones are for peaceful purposes only.
POLL: Internet access, smartphones, laptops more important to Americans than sex
Boy, are we sick or what?
CHARGE: Group Home Workers Ran 'Developmentally Disabled Fight Club'...
They should be placed in a cell with some big Pit Bulls and see the fights up close and personal.
UPDATE: CDC: Latest cruise ship bug was newer norovirus strain.
Don't we have enough of these strains already? Do we have to go out and bring more in? It's going to add an extra 'strain' on our budget.
SHOCK: Almost One in Four 26 year-olds still live with parents!
Like Bill Cosby said, "They leave home but then they come back..and they bring more with them."
Black Teen Unemployment Jumps to 38%.
"Sure, it's all rosy until you get in office and then you forget who got you there!"
Obama nominee for ambassador to Argentina: I've never been there!
"What do they speak, Argentine?"
Clint Eastwood Saves Man From Choking!
"And so, as our friends south of the border say, adios amigos." (Bronco Billy)
Sochi Sign: 'We Do Not Serve FBI And CIA Agents'
"That's OK. We're from the IRS. Those U.S. winners wil have to give us our cut too."
Man Attempts to Hijack Plane; Demands to Be Flown to Sochi.
Winds up in Japan, arrested. "Sochi? I thought you wanted Sushi!", says pilot.
Amazon Reveals Latest Innovation in Immediate Consumer Delivery
CEO Bezos broke thru another customer delivery barrier today. He announced that Amazon will now deliver toilet paper just-in-time to those customers still sitting on the pot via stink-seeking drones.
Ten Million U.S. workers out of work!
"Wait till you see the totals once all the aliens come into the country", says Ron Paul.
Limbaugh: Tests still show no ailments after chest pain but "pain in the ass' apparently permanent...for him and us.
Skinny, Bespeckled Nerd Wins Student of the Year #2
Proudly walks across stage to receive award despite his depantsing!
Welsh farmer fancies Uranus
Welsh farmer Dylan Donaudamauchnadfidchiffahrrhyspitaenswitweru fancies Uranus. No misunderstandings mind you. Its you arse he fancies, not the race horse, not the planet, Your Arse
Colorado Booming With Marijuana
Denver Mayor: "We have received word that over a dozen munchies factories are moving here."
True Facts From Snoops #592 #2
According to Snoops: So after women read #1, some head out and purchase a dragonfly to ask, "OK, tell me the truth, does my ass look too big in this outfit?"
True Facts From Snoops #731 (#1)
According to Snoops: A dragonfly eye has 30,000 lenses while humans have only one. "So here's looking at you, Kid."
True Facts From Snoops #862
According to Snoops: Animals can sense a big disaster before humans. However, this doesn't mean that every time you see a dog running past, that you need to hide. He may just be after another dog.
True Facts From Snoops #381
Snoops: Canadians eat a pudding called "Bugger in a Bag" especially in rural restaurants. After hearing and eating it, many couples rush back to their camper or tent "Don't Bother Knockin" signs.
China Laments Lost of Forests
Having to put out a 2,000 page telephone book every year doesn't help. "We have one million Chins!"
Japan's Abe Supports Putin
Japan's Lincoln Abe backs Putin with visit to olympics, in contrast to China, Korea ties.
Lawmaker: 'Very little' Obama work so far to rewrite 'war on terrorism' law
He's too busy trying to make up with Michelle over Danish President.
Evidence Of A Primitive Human-like Species Found In Norfolk, Confirm Archaeologists
Archaeologists have been quick to clarify that their announcement refers to 800,000 year old fossilised footprints found on the shore at Happisburgh, and not to current residents of the County.
TSA Bans Carry-On Liquids.
Told all passengers to take a good leak at the airport bathrooms. "Our plane bathrooms are off limits except for emergencies and those will have someone of same sex watching them."
Democrat bombs at Press Dinner.: "The most-painful speech ever!"
However, former President Jimmy Carter said that he gave one while battling hemorrhoids after Billy goosed him once!
School Celebrates with Fried Chicken, Watermelon for Black History Month.
May be sued by NAACP! However, Sunday preachers say they always get fried chicken on a visit.
Boehner Drops Amnesty!
New York Mayor drops Groundhog, Staten Island Chuck! "De Blasio: "I thought I did that yesterday. Or was it the day before?"
BIDEN: 'No obvious reason' not to run in 2016.
"What if Bill screws up Hillary's chance again? I need to act presidential from here in. 'It wasn't my fault!' That sounds good."
Leno Signs Off!
Camera does a nice close-up of his face and chin...mostly chin!
Costas portrays Russian leader as great peacemaker.
Protesters from Russia: "He certainly carries one."
Russia seeks to soothe security jitters.
Hands out free marijuana cigarettes and candy! Crowds begin cheering everyone, even between events.
True Facts From Snoops #592
According to Snoops: The most southwesterly part of England is called "Land's End!". However, on the other side of that marker it reads, "Land Begins!"
True Facts From Snoops #173
According to Snoops: Not only did John Adams and Thomas Jefferson die on the same day, they also both died in the same month and the same year!
True Facts From Snoops #172
According to Snoops: If you live to be 70 years old, you will have slept for 23 of those years, if on welfare, 37 years or more than half your life.
True Facts From Snoops #178
According to Snoops: Some people can sleep with their mouth and both ears open!
Burglars heading south for the spring
Hundreds of house breakers from major UK cities are heading south and hiring boats. "A bunch of villages full of posh people who have been evacuated perfect for us" said spokesman Edwardian Fred.
President Sata in London
Zambias President was in London accompanied by his press aide, George Chella. He was busy JOGGING down Harley street. He commented "just out to buy some diapers and taking the watchdog for a walk"
Secretary of State Kerry Displays His Ability to Multitask in Israel
In Tel Aviv Kerry displayed versatility in skill. Standing silently in the PM's office while waiting for Netanyahu, Kerry was mistaken by a janitor for a new dust mop,serving a useful role for once.
The Denver Post renamed....
"The World of Weed"
Colorado Trends Downward
as pot smokers trend upward.
What is higher?
Denver or a kite?
For some reason....
popsicle and ice cream sales have fallen dramatically in the Eastern U.S.
Spanish Tourist Decides to Ride a Buffalo in Yellowstone National Park
Groundhog Day Deja Vu!
How do I know that this was not my first Groundhog Day of 2014? After all, how come I knew the Mayor was going to drop that groundhog? This is scary. I wish I had never seen that stupid movie.
Must Have Been Two!
U.S. Guv. agents blew up a mysterious box found on the House floor today. "It was full of condoms & little purple pills", stated spokesman. "We think it was a stimulus package! Ha Ha! Get it?" BOOM!!"