Spoof news snippets from Thursday 6 February 2014
True Facts From Snoops #179
According to Snoops: The earliest known cereal were grasshoppers roasted over a fire, called 'Pest Toasties!'
True Facts From Snoops #092
According to Snoops: Without gravity, mot astronauts slept in sleeping bags upside down like a bat.
Inspired by Duck Dynasty Victoria's Secret Creates New Intimate Outfit
Victoria's Secret has designed a sheer camouflage teddy and duck embroidered thong combo, worn with accompanying high-heeled swamp boots. Suitable for boat or boudoir, the thong quacks when removed.
True Facts From Snoops #624
According to Snoops: In 1968, a college student named Alley Mckay stayed awake for eleven days. McKay was 22.
True Facts From Snoops #534
According to Snoops: Before Barrow, Alaska became known as "The Land of the Midnight Sun", the local Native Americans had called it, "The Land of the Midday Moon"!
New Fundraiser This Year
With all the ice and snow, this year's fundraiser will be watching local politicians try to walk across parking lot. "Butts On Ice!" expected to outdo Donkey Basketball over last ten years.
Everything is Slang!
If it's an object that is round, some civilization somewhere in the world uses it to mean breasts. "My wife has a couple of golf balls, tennis balls, walnuts, melon balls." "See a plastic surgeon."
A Recent Translation of Dante's Inferno Reveals New Denizen
A new translation of Dante's epic identifies a damned soul previously obscure. In the 8th circle of hell, trapping those tortured for malice of fraud, Bernardo Madoffolo is forced to eat his crap.
Hillary's question: not if, but how? #3
OK! OK! Let's get serious here. "Eight More Years!" simply doesn't sound positive enough.
Hillary's question: not if, but how? #2
Well, that certainly better than "What does it matter?".
Hillary's question: not if, but how?
News reporters: That's a piss-poor presidential campaign motto! Try another one.
Banned carry-on items get through Social security
Sorry. Screwed that up. Banned carry-on items get through Sochi security.
Biden's niece enters rehab for 'anger issues'.
"Uncle Joe makes Dick Cheney seem like Jimmy Carter!", she tells clinic workers.
Obama says 'freedom of religion is under threat' as Catholics sue administration
Catholics: "That's why we're suing you, Einstein."
Postal Service Announces Giant Ammo Purchase.
"We've had it up to here with the crazies!", says one postmaster.
Surveillance Tech Can Track Every Person, Vehicle in Area For Hours.
"Yes! Yes! We do get mooned a lot", says officer in charge.
Taliban claims to have captured army dog.
Army cat still on the loose! Army goat still back in the states.
Subway to Remove Chemical From Bread.
It's Azodiacarbonamide! This is the same stuff used to stretch other items such as shoes. No wonder that guy looked skinnier. He was stretched.
Russia seeks to soothe security jitters.
Gun to begin race sends thousands heading toward the exit! "This is worse panic than at Hajj", says Indian athlete.
True Facts From Snoops #443
A wild bird flying into your house is a sign of a death ....usually that of the bird.
True Facts From Snoops #067
According to Snoops: Judged the best apple pies at a McDonald's Restaurant are the one in Denver! Note: Brownies on the way!
True Facts From Snoops #591
According to Snoops: The city of Ushuaia is the most Southern City in the world! "Ya'll come see us sometime now, Ya hyar?"
True Facts From Snoops #250
According to Snoops: In Grenada, it is against the law to throw a grenade at anyone, Even If The Pin Is Still In It!!
True Facts From Snoops #067
According to Snoops: Many polar bears vacation on an breakaway iceberg and head for the South Pole for the winter!
"Tube strike does not stop London's commuters" dribbles Boris, of course not you prat, most have feet, bikes or cars and can ill afford to stay at home and lose wages!
Pakistan's Elite Pay Few Taxes.
Widening gap continues between rich and poor in several other countries, Lauren Hutton's front teeth.
In the pink!
Pink Won't Make Girls Think, Says Govt Minister Jenny Willott.....it obviously did not work for you love you joined the LibDems!!!!
Emeril Lagasse Mystery Not Doing Well
"The Blood Pudding Ran Red" not selling well. "Too many shots fired 'Bams' for most readers", say critics.
Many salt and saline trucks hurting for supplies
"It's been a long, snowy winter and those trapped indoors are drinking a lot of Margaritas" says state work crew foreman.
Lawsuit may go to Supreme Court
Trojan Condoms and Capitol One still fighting over who came up first with, "What do you carry in your wallet?"
Some will stick pins in them!
Mattel Toys to give away over 2,000 "Nancy Pelosi raised eyebrow Barbie dolls" that didn't sell, to charity.
Police Conduct Major Raid
The police in New York City have raided an apartment there and found 200 cartons of cigarettes, 450 jelly doughnuts and over 10,000 mattress tags. "This was a biggie", says Chief.
Iran Chooses Who Exists & Who Doesn't
The Netherlands called Iran's presumed weapons program "a major challenge to international peace and security." Iran stated that, like Israel, there is no Netherlands.
But We Had Cameras Ready & Everything
Today in southern California, a big stranded whale on the beach managed to flop itself back into the ocean. Greenpeace members who were there booed as they didn't get to assist.
Woman, 92, claims diarrhea forced her to flee scene of accident
"But it came home with me never-the-less. I need to clean up and go back."
Residents Ordered to Surrender Their Pillows to Athletes
Many pillows arrive with needles, razor blades. Athletes booed in the lounge.
Sochi Olympics Change some events
With possible avalanche, new events "Who care endure most hours in bed with bed bugs", "Who can survive an hotel collapse".
Sochi Mountain Range Site Of Some Of The Deadliest Avalanches In Recent History.
More athletes leaving. "Life worth more than a medal."
STUDY: Social Media Lowering Users' Ability to Think Analytically.
Going back to thinking anally! Blame dumb TV, tight skirts and pants.
REPORT: Putin's Girlfriend May Light Olympic Torch.
Tells Putin to hold off on the gas until she moves away.
FAA examines airport towers after traffic controller injured by lightning strike
"We may just allow the planes to land by taking a number, like at a bakery", says FAA.
Biggest Baby Ever Born in CA...
At 16 pounds, he's the biggest baby since Jerry Brown!
4,406 record cold temperatures in January; 1,073 Snowfall records.
Thousands coming into hospitals with broken tail bones due to falls, bad back due to cleaning off cars & driveway and even more to mental health facilities screaming their heads off!
New Laser 100,000X More Powerful Than All Earth's Power Stations -- Combined!
Maybe we can laser that oncoming meteor, asteroid before they hit.
Robots to Patrol Art Museum at Night.
Oddly enough, museum has crude drawing of a robot by Da Vinci!
Man Arrested Following Women on NYC Streets
Claimed he was trying to perfect his "boody recognition glasses.
Audit finds asylum system rife with fraud
"I think I misunderstood the word asylum", says reporter. "I got hit with a handful of shat!"
UPDATE: No Charges Against TSA Agent After Woman Claims Sex Assault In Pat-Down.
Case dismissed as soon as judge saw she was 80-years-old!
Facial Recognition Glasses To Stop Crime - Before It Happens?
Apparently they already knew that I was going to write this snippet before I even wrote it. It's getting scary!
Many in Government, others concerned about end of Privacy
Long John Silver says that "it's a shame that a perrrson can't earrrn a decent living. Prrrivacy? "I thought ye said Pirrracy!"
True Facts From Snoops #872
According to Snoops: Elizabeth Taylor and Mickey Rooney once almost got married one time as his 7th and her 6th wedding ceremony were on the same day at the same place.
True Facts From Snoops #882
According to Snoops: Buzzards can see mice from 15,000 feet.
The mice never see the buzzards at all. That's because they are always dead.
Despite centuries of historical evidence to the contrary, the Feds. have declared gold and silver really aren't worth all that much.
True Facts From Snoops #902
According to Snoops: The nation of Chile is over 4,000 miles long but is only one mile across. In some places, it's five only feet.
True Facts From Snoops #184
According to Snoops: The ancient Maya chewed gum made out of tree sap. A great joke at the time was hiding a few fire ants inside when someone asked for a glob of Juicy Tree.
True Facts From Snoops #162
According to Snoops: The reason you can never find the end of a rainbow for it's pot of gold, is that it moves whenever you do. The old carrot-stick ploy!
ROMNEY: 'I'm not running' in 2016.
No really big surprise here. He barely ran in 2012!
Spiderman Website Hacked
"This is the work of The Green Goblin. Daredevil says his braille website also feels hacked.
Another Website Down!
Spider under back deck says that he believes his website has been bugged!!
SOCHI SCENE: Welcome Fans! Where are you?
Don't know about other nations but here in the U.S. we're under ten feet of snow!
Man says personal info stolen after using website.
Well off spiders are saying the same thing. "We have to have a second website in Switzerland."
AOL CEO: 'Obamacare Is Additional $7.1 Million Expense For Us'.
So, we can't compete with other nations already, this is not a big help, Mr. President. Maybe when our dollar is worth ten cents, we will compete again.
Subsidy Cliff: Earn $1 More in Wages, and You Could Pay $20,000 More for Insurance.
Be absolutely careful not to take any money for your work when you get to that cut-off income level. Check pockets for change. Could be a dollar's worth.
Holy See In Trouble
Just cannot see the facts in front of their eyes.
Pickles Has Dawlish Solution
Pickles is to place himself underneath the railway line at Dawlish, enabling trains to travel to Cornwall.
Eric Pickles steps in.
Vicar apologizes to Gay community over misheard message from God.
A Vicar in Devon has said he misheard when God told him the floods were punishment for Gay Policies. In fact God told him the floods were punishment for Gove's Policies.
IRS Bonuses Funded by Taxable Tea Party Organizations
Newly appointed Commissioner I.Fudgalott revealed today that Tea Party groups denied non-profit status actually paid the bonuses paid to IRS agents who nixed their applications. "Luv it," he said.
Peanut Brittle Name Being Changed
to "teeth breaking peanut concoction requiring $5000 in dental repairs and that's even when you HAVE insurance".
95% of Millennials have absolutely no idea what a rutabaga is.
Captains of Industry Demoted
to Corporals of Industry after they bankrupt the world.
The "REAL" St. Valentine's Day Massacre
occurred in a middle class neighborhood in Roanoke in 1957, when not one woman in a Koffee Klatch group received a Valentine from her husband.
True Facts From Snoops #819
According to Snoops: There are now more people living in Mexico City than in all of Mexico!!
True Facts From Snoops #391
According to Snoops: Nostradamus, the 16th Century astrologer, predicted that people would misunderstand his predictions for the future and get them all screwed up AND THEY HAVE!
True Facts From Snoops #736
According to Snoops: Catfish have three times more taste buds than humans. That's what makes them so tasty!
More Trouble With Cruise Boats!
Captains into fist fights after three Cruise Ships run into each other.
Islamic Fundamentalists Prohibit Soldiers from using Daisy Cutters
After clerics shown photographs of Daisy Duke in her shorts!
Olympics off to a bad start.
Some U.S. athletes return after bedbugs bite. They have cancelled the segway jump!
Dick Cheney Proves He's Human
"Yes, the heart's there somewhere. It's just two times as small!"
Hillary Gives Ultimatum!
"Either keep it in your pants or you'll find it in your pocket!"
Flushed with success, Obama Decries Russian Olympic Site!
Those hotel and building problems are not my fault! Crowds beginning to chant, "Not his Fault!" at every stop!
Conservationist Protests Shortage Of Spotted Owl, Dick
"I think I see one over there in the bushes, Dan!" (tribute to Laugh In)
Everybody in Hog Jaw Arkansas Goes to same dentist
His Dental Hygienist Inspires drooling before the work on teeth even begins!
How quickly we forget
Only 3% of all Americans now do the Macarena on a regular basis and even those are usually stoned.