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Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #179

According to Snoops: The earliest known cereal were grasshoppers roasted over a fire, called 'Pest Toasties!'

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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True Facts From Snoops #092

According to Snoops: Without gravity, mot astronauts slept in sleeping bags upside down like a bat.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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Inspired by Duck Dynasty Victoria's Secret Creates New Intimate Outfit

Victoria's Secret has designed a sheer camouflage teddy and duck embroidered thong combo, worn with accompanying high-heeled swamp boots. Suitable for boat or boudoir, the thong quacks when removed.

written by Trinculoman, 06 February 2014
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #624

According to Snoops: In 1968, a college student named Alley Mckay stayed awake for eleven days. McKay was 22.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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True Facts From Snoops #534

According to Snoops: Before Barrow, Alaska became known as "The Land of the Midnight Sun", the local Native Americans had called it, "The Land of the Midday Moon"!

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

New Fundraiser This Year

With all the ice and snow, this year's fundraiser will be watching local politicians try to walk across parking lot. "Butts On Ice!" expected to outdo Donkey Basketball over last ten years.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

Everything is Slang!

If it's an object that is round, some civilization somewhere in the world uses it to mean breasts. "My wife has a couple of golf balls, tennis balls, walnuts, melon balls." "See a plastic surgeon."

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

A Recent Translation of Dante's Inferno Reveals New Denizen

A new translation of Dante's epic identifies a damned soul previously obscure. In the 8th circle of hell, trapping those tortured for malice of fraud, Bernardo Madoffolo is forced to eat his crap.

written by Trinculoman, 06 February 2014
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Hillary's question: not if, but how? #3

OK! OK! Let's get serious here. "Eight More Years!" simply doesn't sound positive enough.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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Hillary's question: not if, but how? #2

Well, that certainly better than "What does it matter?".

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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Hillary's question: not if, but how?

News reporters: That's a piss-poor presidential campaign motto! Try another one.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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Banned carry-on items get through Social security

Sorry. Screwed that up. Banned carry-on items get through Sochi security.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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Biden's niece enters rehab for 'anger issues'.

"Uncle Joe makes Dick Cheney seem like Jimmy Carter!", she tells clinic workers.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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Obama says 'freedom of religion is under threat' as Catholics sue administration

Catholics: "That's why we're suing you, Einstein."

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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Postal Service Announces Giant Ammo Purchase.

"We've had it up to here with the crazies!", says one postmaster.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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Surveillance Tech Can Track Every Person, Vehicle in Area For Hours.

"Yes! Yes! We do get mooned a lot", says officer in charge.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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Taliban claims to have captured army dog.

Army cat still on the loose! Army goat still back in the states.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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Subway to Remove Chemical From Bread.

It's Azodiacarbonamide! This is the same stuff used to stretch other items such as shoes. No wonder that guy looked skinnier. He was stretched.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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Russia seeks to soothe security jitters.

Gun to begin race sends thousands heading toward the exit! "This is worse panic than at Hajj", says Indian athlete.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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True Facts From Snoops #443

A wild bird flying into your house is a sign of a death ....usually that of the bird.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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True Facts From Snoops #067

According to Snoops: Judged the best apple pies at a McDonald's Restaurant are the one in Denver! Note: Brownies on the way!

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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True Facts From Snoops #591

According to Snoops: The city of Ushuaia is the most Southern City in the world! "Ya'll come see us sometime now, Ya hyar?"

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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True Facts From Snoops #250

According to Snoops: In Grenada, it is against the law to throw a grenade at anyone, Even If The Pin Is Still In It!!

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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True Facts From Snoops #067

According to Snoops: Many polar bears vacation on an breakaway iceberg and head for the South Pole for the winter!

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

...........Bonkers Boris

"Tube strike does not stop London's commuters" dribbles Boris, of course not you prat, most have feet, bikes or cars and can ill afford to stay at home and lose wages!

written by Herrdoktorfox, 06 February 2014
Rating:

Pakistan's Elite Pay Few Taxes.

Widening gap continues between rich and poor in several other countries, Lauren Hutton's front teeth.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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In the pink!

Pink Won't Make Girls Think, Says Govt Minister Jenny Willott.....it obviously did not work for you love you joined the LibDems!!!!

written by Herrdoktorfox, 06 February 2014
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Emeril Lagasse Mystery Not Doing Well

"The Blood Pudding Ran Red" not selling well. "Too many shots fired 'Bams' for most readers", say critics.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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Many salt and saline trucks hurting for supplies

"It's been a long, snowy winter and those trapped indoors are drinking a lot of Margaritas" says state work crew foreman.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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Lawsuit may go to Supreme Court

Trojan Condoms and Capitol One still fighting over who came up first with, "What do you carry in your wallet?"

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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Some will stick pins in them!

Mattel Toys to give away over 2,000 "Nancy Pelosi raised eyebrow Barbie dolls" that didn't sell, to charity.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

Police Conduct Major Raid

The police in New York City have raided an apartment there and found 200 cartons of cigarettes, 450 jelly doughnuts and over 10,000 mattress tags. "This was a biggie", says Chief.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

Iran Chooses Who Exists & Who Doesn't

The Netherlands called Iran's presumed weapons program "a major challenge to international peace and security." Iran stated that, like Israel, there is no Netherlands.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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But We Had Cameras Ready & Everything

Today in southern California, a big stranded whale on the beach managed to flop itself back into the ocean. Greenpeace members who were there booed as they didn't get to assist.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

Woman, 92, claims diarrhea forced her to flee scene of accident

"But it came home with me never-the-less. I need to clean up and go back."

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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Residents Ordered to Surrender Their Pillows to Athletes

Many pillows arrive with needles, razor blades. Athletes booed in the lounge.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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Sochi Olympics Change some events

With possible avalanche, new events "Who care endure most hours in bed with bed bugs", "Who can survive an hotel collapse".

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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Sochi Mountain Range Site Of Some Of The Deadliest Avalanches In Recent History.

More athletes leaving. "Life worth more than a medal."

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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STUDY: Social Media Lowering Users' Ability to Think Analytically.

Going back to thinking anally! Blame dumb TV, tight skirts and pants.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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REPORT: Putin's Girlfriend May Light Olympic Torch.

Tells Putin to hold off on the gas until she moves away.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

FAA examines airport towers after traffic controller injured by lightning strike

"We may just allow the planes to land by taking a number, like at a bakery", says FAA.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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Biggest Baby Ever Born in CA...

At 16 pounds, he's the biggest baby since Jerry Brown!

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

4,406 record cold temperatures in January; 1,073 Snowfall records.

Thousands coming into hospitals with broken tail bones due to falls, bad back due to cleaning off cars & driveway and even more to mental health facilities screaming their heads off!

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

New Laser 100,000X More Powerful Than All Earth's Power Stations -- Combined!

Maybe we can laser that oncoming meteor, asteroid before they hit.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

Robots to Patrol Art Museum at Night.

Oddly enough, museum has crude drawing of a robot by Da Vinci!

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

Man Arrested Following Women on NYC Streets

Claimed he was trying to perfect his "boody recognition glasses.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

Audit finds asylum system rife with fraud

"I think I misunderstood the word asylum", says reporter. "I got hit with a handful of shat!"

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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UPDATE: No Charges Against TSA Agent After Woman Claims Sex Assault In Pat-Down.

Case dismissed as soon as judge saw she was 80-years-old!

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

Facial Recognition Glasses To Stop Crime - Before It Happens?

Apparently they already knew that I was going to write this snippet before I even wrote it. It's getting scary!

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

Many in Government, others concerned about end of Privacy

Long John Silver says that "it's a shame that a perrrson can't earrrn a decent living. Prrrivacy? "I thought ye said Pirrracy!"

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #872

According to Snoops: Elizabeth Taylor and Mickey Rooney once almost got married one time as his 7th and her 6th wedding ceremony were on the same day at the same place.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #882

According to Snoops: Buzzards can see mice from 15,000 feet.
The mice never see the buzzards at all. That's because they are always dead.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

huh?

Despite centuries of historical evidence to the contrary, the Feds. have declared gold and silver really aren't worth all that much.

written by Wumf, 06 February 2014
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #902

According to Snoops: The nation of Chile is over 4,000 miles long but is only one mile across. In some places, it's five only feet.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #184

According to Snoops: The ancient Maya chewed gum made out of tree sap. A great joke at the time was hiding a few fire ants inside when someone asked for a glob of Juicy Tree.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #162

According to Snoops: The reason you can never find the end of a rainbow for it's pot of gold, is that it moves whenever you do. The old carrot-stick ploy!

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

ROMNEY: 'I'm not running' in 2016.

No really big surprise here. He barely ran in 2012!

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

Spiderman Website Hacked

"This is the work of The Green Goblin. Daredevil says his braille website also feels hacked.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

Another Website Down!

Spider under back deck says that he believes his website has been bugged!!

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

SOCHI SCENE: Welcome Fans! Where are you?

Don't know about other nations but here in the U.S. we're under ten feet of snow!

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

Man says personal info stolen after using website.

Well off spiders are saying the same thing. "We have to have a second website in Switzerland."

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

AOL CEO: 'Obamacare Is Additional $7.1 Million Expense For Us'.

So, we can't compete with other nations already, this is not a big help, Mr. President. Maybe when our dollar is worth ten cents, we will compete again.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

Subsidy Cliff: Earn $1 More in Wages, and You Could Pay $20,000 More for Insurance.

Be absolutely careful not to take any money for your work when you get to that cut-off income level. Check pockets for change. Could be a dollar's worth.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

Holy See In Trouble

Just cannot see the facts in front of their eyes.

written by j.w., 06 February 2014
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Pickles Has Dawlish Solution

Pickles is to place himself underneath the railway line at Dawlish, enabling trains to travel to Cornwall.

written by j.w., 06 February 2014
Rating:

Floods

Eric Pickles steps in.

written by j.w., 06 February 2014
Rating:

Vicar apologizes to Gay community over misheard message from God.

A Vicar in Devon has said he misheard when God told him the floods were punishment for Gay Policies. In fact God told him the floods were punishment for Gove's Policies.

written by John_L, 06 February 2014
Rating:

IRS Bonuses Funded by Taxable Tea Party Organizations

Newly appointed Commissioner I.Fudgalott revealed today that Tea Party groups denied non-profit status actually paid the bonuses paid to IRS agents who nixed their applications. "Luv it," he said.

written by Trinculoman, 06 February 2014
Rating:

Peanut Brittle Name Being Changed

to "teeth breaking peanut concoction requiring $5000 in dental repairs and that's even when you HAVE insurance".

written by Wumf, 06 February 2014
Rating:

It's Official!

95% of Millennials have absolutely no idea what a rutabaga is.

written by Wumf, 06 February 2014
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Captains of Industry Demoted

to Corporals of Industry after they bankrupt the world.

written by Wumf, 06 February 2014
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The "REAL" St. Valentine's Day Massacre

occurred in a middle class neighborhood in Roanoke in 1957, when not one woman in a Koffee Klatch group received a Valentine from her husband.

written by Wumf, 06 February 2014
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #819

According to Snoops: There are now more people living in Mexico City than in all of Mexico!!

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #391

According to Snoops: Nostradamus, the 16th Century astrologer, predicted that people would misunderstand his predictions for the future and get them all screwed up AND THEY HAVE!

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #736

According to Snoops: Catfish have three times more taste buds than humans. That's what makes them so tasty!

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

More Trouble With Cruise Boats!

Captains into fist fights after three Cruise Ships run into each other.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

Islamic Fundamentalists Prohibit Soldiers from using Daisy Cutters

After clerics shown photographs of Daisy Duke in her shorts!

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

Olympics off to a bad start.

Some U.S. athletes return after bedbugs bite. They have cancelled the segway jump!

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

Dick Cheney Proves He's Human

"Yes, the heart's there somewhere. It's just two times as small!"

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

Hillary Gives Ultimatum!

"Either keep it in your pants or you'll find it in your pocket!"

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

Flushed with success, Obama Decries Russian Olympic Site!

Those hotel and building problems are not my fault! Crowds beginning to chant, "Not his Fault!" at every stop!

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

Conservationist Protests Shortage Of Spotted Owl, Dick

"I think I see one over there in the bushes, Dan!" (tribute to Laugh In)

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

Everybody in Hog Jaw Arkansas Goes to same dentist

His Dental Hygienist Inspires drooling before the work on teeth even begins!

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
Rating:

How quickly we forget

Only 3% of all Americans now do the Macarena on a regular basis and even those are usually stoned.

written by Bureau, 06 February 2014
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