Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 5 February 2014
Donald Trump Throws His Hat into the Ring for Pope
The Donald, Pontifex Maximus of NYC, proclaimed his latest political goal -- to become Pope of the World. He has ordered all Cardinals to Trump Tower for a conclave with open bar and free appetizers.
Obamacare enrollees hit snags at dentist's offices.
I keep screwing that up. It should be: Obamacare enrollees hit snags at doctor's offices.
Feds Warn Airlines About Toothpaste Bomb Threat
Also, anonymous letter delivered to Mr. Happy Tooth that stated: "Decay! Decay! Decay!"
True Facts From Snoops #533
According to Snoops: Although mostly forgotten by now, Sam Walton originally wanted to add a lot of plumbing supplies to his stores. He was planning to call the section "John Boy".
True Facts From Snoops #742
Snoops: The U.S. Everglades are the only place on earth that has both alligators & crocodiles. A high wall is between them, but they still fight by splashing mud over the wall with their big tails!
True Facts From Snoops #272
According to Snoops: Bats have the best hearing of all land mammals. So if you are calling your mother-in-law an old bat I'd be extra care...("I HEARD THAT!").
True Facts From Snoops #142
According to Snoops: Popular tourist area is Yosemite Falls, at 2500 feet, it's the highest falls in the United States. It is fed upstream by melting snow and tourist pee.
Thousands without power
as floods of migrants take energy workers jobs!
Interest on U.S. debt to quadruple
No need to worry says Fed Chairman. There'll be a nuclear war well before all that is due.
CVS to stop selling tobacco
"But we still have plenty of stuff you could make meth from!"
You can't flush toilet paper in Sochi
Also, old slick catalogue pages are slick!
Snowden Named as Sochi Games Mascot
Google-glassed Edward Snowden is an official mascot at Sochi. Per Dictator-in-Chief Putin, Snowden is a symbolic stand-in for State Security, who will constantly scan all data and view visitor parts.
NBC: All Visitors Immediately Hacked.
Immediately rushed to nearest Russian Hospital after extensive bleeding! Computer? Never mind.
Call for Calm After $3 TRILLION Global Stock Wipeout.
Demand that Rush Limbaugh quit playing that old Ventures tune!
Hollywood, Academy Shrug Off Woody Allen Abuse Claims.
We're Hollywood lady. Anything goes here! There are plenty of "Woodys" out there looking.
Bill to Help Hillary Lose Another White House Bid? #2
Hurley's Ex-Lover Caught On Bombshell Audio Recording Revealing Ex-Prez's White House Sex Romps Behind Wife Hillary's Back. Everything's going to be normal again!
He's At It Again?
Hurley's Ex-Lover Caught On Bombshell Audio Recording Revealing Ex-Prez's White House Sex Romps Behind Wife Hillary's Back!
Chi-Town Godfather: I need $900 million.
"That's $450 million per kneecap. No more golf. Pity."
UN tells Catholic church to change teachings on abortion.
Pope Francis: You answer. Do we obey you or do we obey God?
Just When You Thought Google Glass Couldn't Get Creepier
New App Allows Strangers to ID You Just by Looking at You. Adjust the App and see through clothes.
True Facts From Snoops #891
According to Snoops: The famous Edward Hopper only had one leg.
True Facts From Snoops #673
According to Snoops: Penguins are attracted to the smell of rotten eggs. Also, Mr. John "Bubba" Henderson of Layback Arkansas who has a bad gas problem!
True Facts From Snoops #676
According to Snoops: The first robot was invented in 1961 and worked for General Motors & paid next to nothing, until it joined the Union!
True Facts From Snoops #675
According to Snoops: Yosemite Park in California is as big as Rhode Island but Yosemite Sam says, "Tarnation! It's a whole lot bigger than that Mr. Rhodes Island. "Great Jumpin Horny Toads!"
Councils Must Hold Referendum For Council Tax Increases Above 2%
'We are proposing a public referendum on a council tax rise of 4.75%,' said a representative of Brighton's Green Party-led council. 'We also plan to consult turkeys on the subject of Christmas.'
What the heck are chilblains?
Eastern and Southern U.S. want to know. The Rocky Mountain West and Alaska sending prompt replies.
Apple Spawning Race of Pod People
"iPods are just the beginning", exclaims Apple CEO.
Chili Peppers: We Faked Our Super Bowl Performance.
Denver Broncos: Same here!
Government Pledges To Act As Cornwall Cut Off By Storms
'It was when the supply of pasties was disrupted to the MPs restaurant at Westminster,' said a government spokesman, 'that we realised we should take the West Country flooding seriously.'
NBC: All Olympics Visitors Immediately Hacked.
CIA: We had false info everywhere but we're gathering info on their hacking methods.
Scientists talk of 'pandemic potential'
After first confirmed human death from new strain of bird flu. Health experts closely studying old Alfred hitchcock film.
Severed cow heads displayed along Oregon road.
Nearby farmers say it's another warning from the Moofaisco!
Severed heads dumped outside Mexican bank.
FBI say it may be the work of the al-Cow-A-bunga Terrorists.
Charlie Chaplin's only novel to be released.
Book has to be read silently and with old 1920's music in the background.
Two-thirds of U.S. submerged in snow, ice, rain.
red tape, litigation, taxes, spy microphones, spy cameras, guns and bullets!
Susan Rice blasts Israel for 'Personal Attacks'.
She will be starring in the upcoming puppet show!
Israeli settlers mock Kerry's peacemaking with spoof video.
Use big-head puppet with their own leaders pointing at him.
CVS to quit selling all tobacco products.
President applauds. First Lady says he looks like Kim doing that.
States launch efforts to rein in government surveillance.
Most cities and counties say they will follow suit. Mafia agrees!
Greenwald Denies Selling Snowden Docs.
"But if I did, I would have changed it all, screwed it all up. What he is revealing is wrong...that is, if I sold it to him."
President Tells NSA to Cool It
"I don't want anymore secret handshakes or that stupid "I spy, with my little eye", greeting."
Feds: NSA 'Probably' Spies on Members of Congress.
NSA reports that they have recorded Feds using spy devices in their offices and that they simply replaced them in Fed offices.
NYC public school kids getting new Muslim, Lunar New Year holidays.
They plan to celebrate by firing weapons into the air!
Army faces massive recruiting frog sandals.
I'm sorry. That should have read: Army faces massive recruiting fraud scandal.
SNAP: TSA officer arrested, accused of making terroristic threat.
"You move one more time during your x-ray and I'll vaporize you!"
REPORT: Bieber's pilots wore oxygen masks flying singer's pot plane.
"We didn't want to get high and land in the Hudson River", one pilot tells airport security officer.
Obamacare enrollees hit snags at doctor's offices
Doctors and workers promise to get the snags out as soon as police arrive and arrest them.
True Facts From Snoops #491
According to Snoops: Canada's Banff National Park has over 1,100 glaciers and nearly 500 cake and doughnut shops and bakeries.
True Facts From Snoops #361
According to Snoops: Researchers say that male moose are predictable eaters. The same moose will return to the same trees in same area to eat the same time each year. This drives female moose crazy.
True Facts From Snoops #580
According to Snoops: Ruins of Mayan settlements more that 1200 years old, next Monday, are found in Guatemala. who used them for firewood.
True Facts From Snoops #532
According to Snoops: The high-pitched screeches which once scared people on the island turned out to be Tasmanian Devils mating. Aussie males used to stick their heads into bar rooms and do the same.
True Facts From Snoops #382
According to Snoops: Eric the Red was the first to have indoor toilets. "You can eat and crap at the same time. You'll have time for a lot more fun raping and pillaging the whole rest of the day!"
True Facts From Snoops #743
According to Snoops: Established in 1870, Yellowstone was the world's First National Park, Bank, Savings & Loan!
One Way To Save Money, Trees
One way to do both is to leave all the labels off cans at the grocery. Then when dinner comes, you will have a surprise as to what you are going to eat!
Football Teams Running out of Manly Man Uniform Colors
forced to consider fushia, peach, violet, cotton candy pink, lavender, cerise, raspberry, and fuzzy wuzzy.
California Governor Brown Annexes Great Lakes
Obama promises pipeline.
Hawaiians Offer to Send Vowels to Hebrew Speakers
"We have plenty of them," say Hawaiians. "We can certainly spare a few!"
French Tourist in Yosemite Finds Cute Baby Snake with Rattle in Sleeping Bag
Polka Craze Reaches Japan!
Accordions and lederhosen abound as people learn to "pokra, pokra, pokra".
British Tourist VIsiting U.S. Mistakes Porcupine for Hedgehodge
Sir Paul McCartney Having Trouble Remembering Lyrics, Ringo
"I'm still game to give it a go at next year's Woodstock festival with Jimi Hendrix," mused the aging crooner.
Ghana Winter Olympic Team Says," Please Send Ice."
They were sharing some chips found in their Aunt's freezer, but these soon melted leaving the bobsled team high and dry.
Aleutian Islands Name Change Suspect
The Aleutian Islands is changing its name to "Havaii" with a "v"....hum.....
Russian Terrorists OK'D For Biathlon Event
"What the heck, they've been practicing a long time for this anyway", quipped Olympic Special Team Moderator Head, Tenzo Nordingkay
Testosterone Found to "Eat" Hair Follicles
Here's some good news for bald men from Harvard University. "You're bald because you're virile," say scientists.
Fifty Years of "Beatlemania"
Actually about 3.5 years of "Beatlemania" and 46.5 years of endless airplay of jaded Beatle songs.
"Boooogie-Woooogie Music" Heard in London Vicinity
Though "Long John Baldry" is now "Long Dead John Baldry", one can still hear the faint tinkle of his tunes in certain areas of the city.
Giant Sponge in Serpentine Cause of English Drought
City workers were able Thursday to back a giant lorry up to the offending kitchen utensil and haul it to a local juicemaker to be squeezed. Workers weren't very able on Friday.
"Hindustan Not a Real Stan", says Tajikistan
"They never call, or come over to watch the telly. They're just not one of us." says President Emomalii Rahmon
U.N. Fines Kyrgyzstan For Extra Letters In Country's Name.
"This is the final warning", U.N. Chief Yum Pung Kao said to the wailing little Southern Caucasus country today.
Kyrgyzstan Not at all Happy With the Other "Stans"
"It's hard to get noticed when the Afghanis and Kazaks are always in front getting all the attention." the lesser known country wailed this week.
The Nuns Are Fit To Be Tied
A group of Boston nuns has just learned that The Bravo Network will not be buying the rights to their reality show, Nuns Gone Wild.
Jay Leno Comes Clean
The man known as "The Chinmaster" insists that the 2010 rumors of an affair between him and Heidi Montag were false and he can prove it by the fact that he is allergic to plastic.
A Tidbit About The Beatles Song "Twist And Shout"
During the recording of "Twist And Shout" John Lennon was screaming so loud that his left tonsil actually popped out hitting George Harrison on the nose and causing him to drop his guitar pick
Jay Leno Almost Bought The L.A. Lakers
But the deal fell through when the current owners found out that he was planning to relocate the team to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.
Kim Jong Un's Name Change
The North Korean leader's real name is Kim Kia Un, but he changed it 19 years ago, to avoid confusion with the KIA automobile
Jay Leno's Non-Coonskin Cap
Hardly anyone knows that Tonight Show host Jay Leno wears a toupee as he has been completely bald since 1993.
David Letterman's Childhood Injury
David has admitted that the gap between his front teeth is a result of a Red Rover, Red Rover injury he suffered as a young boy.
Jay Leno's Salary Is $32 Million A Year
And out of that amount he figures that he spends about $16,000 a year on chin moisturizers
Before He Was Ringo Starr The Drummer
When Ringo Starr first joined the Beatles, he actually played the clarinet, but Paul decided that since they needed a drummer it might not be a bad idea for Ringo to forget about the clarinet.
The Sad Sarah Palin
Sarah Palin has just learned that the plans for her new television game show, Name The Country have been scrapped.
First Opera Karaoke Bar to Open in Milan, Italy
Thankfully, performers will be limited to one hour each.
New Mexican Game Show "Todos Los Burros"
Features an exciting "round-up" of all the local, cute pet burros in the neighborhood. Afterward they are all sent to the mines as pack animals.
Obama claims Fox News unfair in scandal coverage
"How dare they point out all the mistakes I'm making. It's not my fault!"
Pacific castaway arrives back in civilisation
"I am the son of the Skipper and Mary Ann!"
FDA launching anti-smoking campaign aimed at youth
"Remember, if you are going to smoke and get cancer, try to do it responsibly!"
Road in Alaska hit by avalanches
Road to Alaska port city cut off by avalanches set to reopen gets hit by an avalanche but smaller so road should be open by time you read this unless it........Avalanche!!!
Obamacare to cut work hours by equivalent of 2 million jobs: CBO
"But we can just borrow that much from China. No sweat!"
Kansas to Maine: Snow to Impact More Than 100 Million.
It seems like they are lined up week after week, a new storm. America needs to get fracken or freeze to death.
Scenes from a militarized America: Iowa family 'terrorized
Maybe we ARE becoming a police state! This is not the same America as a few years ago.
Every single person who has had a flu shot has come down with the flu.
Despite society's best efforts, boys are still growing up to be men.
Lake Shasta Redesignated
....to "a great big, empty hole"
Urban Chicken Houses Attracting Urban Foxes