Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 4 February 2014
President Obama Only 39% Approval
"It doesn't mean a thing, these polls",he stated today. "It's like 15% of all wrecks are caused by alcohol. That means the other 85% were caused by non-alcohol drivers. Are we safer when we're drunk?"
True Facts From Snoops #182
According to Snoops: In the Middle East women are sometimes beaten for their next offense which won't be long coming.
True Facts From Snoops #127
According to Snoops: "Hoss" Cartwright got his nickname from the time Ben's horse went lame and he had to ride piggyback on his son to get food in a really bad winter.
True Facts From Snoops #883
According to Snoops: Yellowstone Park hotel has largest log hotel in the world, being over six floors high. Note: Elevator in middle of floor. No sides.
True Facts From Snoops #773
According to Snoops: Iguanas in Virgin Islands Park can fall 40-50 feet on hard surface and survive..but become sterile.
Barbara Walters Has Dignity Interrupted
Falls on her ass in the snow after heading for car. Immediately pays photography $1,000 for video. Someone got a snapshot but you can't tell who or what it is with arms and legs flying.
Obamas aked about so many pictures now on White house walls?
We were told VP Cheney shot the place up right after the GOP loses in 2008.
Queen asked Why She Doesn't Camilla Tell What to Wear
I feel grandmother-ish around Kate. Camilla would the same the same in a tank dress!
Are we mad at the French again?
I was looking, window shopping downtown and I saw they had Freedom Ticklers.
Love this treadmill-powered oven.
Jog on it for an hour and you get two free long johns with custard centers or three regular doughnuts.
What's You Hiding there Larry King?
"OK OK. It's the latest Nursing Home Playgals. Want a peek?" "No it's lunch time and I need to go." "We got stewed prunes on spam! Get's your gooner going!" "No thanks. Mine died a few minutes ago."
Former VP Dick Cheney Still Denies Global Warming
While he's outdoor doing some shooting at Wyoming home. "Got some cold Bud in the fridge." (Told it's snowing). "Course it's snowing, no global warming. Don't you know satire when you hear it?
Attention World Travelers
If you want to get the attention of someone, just undress and do the Macarena. It pretty well works everywhere but Islamic countries, which you need to skip anyway.
Global Warming Pretty Much Welcomed
Natives and newcomers alike agree that the fact that Alaska is melting is bringing them all closer together.
So the Denver Broncos Lost? Light up a reefer.
Take your shoes off. No use beating a dead horse. When that first hike went by his head, many heard Manning say, "Hey dude what was that thing? It nearly got me."
Dylan Sells Out
Dylan is Dylan, deal with it. He sold out to folk, invented folk rock, sold out to Country, put Nashville on top, sold out to become Christian, sold out to anyone else who wanted to put him in a box.
Winter storm sweeps into U.S. Plains, 10 inches of snow expected
Two more behind this one. Apparently this is not going to quit for some time. Spring tornadoes worse than this so I'm not complaining (or not much!)
Zuckerberg Celebrates Facebook's Birthday with Rite of Passage
Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook CEO, celebrated the social dynamo's tenth anniersary by doing something he hasn't done before. Facebook's puberty fete coincided with Zuckerberg shaving for the first time.
Senator Mark Warner is not a Belieber.
Wants Justin Bieber deported. He is not alone in this. "Nothing but a troublemaker says opposite-side Senator but off the record.(pun intended)
Fry Cook Shifted to Part-Time Work Confronts Obama
"You have every country upset at us and now you are upsetting the ones who voted for you!"
The Clown who could be king!
Prince Chaz follows Phil the Greeks penchant for classic gaffe's by describing Somerset floods as; "jolly good disaster".........and to think, this inbred klutz could one day be KING....jeez!!
True Facts From Snoops #371
According to Snoops: More than 200 different kind of birds fly Through Utah's Birdshit Mountain every year. It has never been climbed.
True Facts From Snoops #702
According to Snoops: Log cabins were named that because they were made from logs, although some historians doubt that fact even today.
True Facts From Snoops #190
According to Snoops: Country music artist Grandpa Jones was born with a white mustache, hair and whiskers. Some people say that is why his parents named him Grandpa.
True Facts From Snoops #177
According to Snoops: Joshua Tree in California is home to tarantulas that have 2-3 inch bodies, 4-foot-foot long legs and a 5 inch head. Locals in Palm Spring call them Kerry Spiders.
Royal Rescue to Somerset Floods
Benevolent Prince Charles generously donates £50,000 of other people's money to the Somerset crisis. What a man.
Wife of KIA Army sniper faults President for ignoring dead soldiers.
Not only the President but also the Press once Bush left the Oval office. Where are the protesters now?
NYC awash in cheap opium.
Lots of flights from Denver now non stop to New York City!
Most powerful laser weapon tested for first time
The military apologize to those who were directly opposite for three hundred miles. Will reimburse damages to autos, fees for funerals.
CLAIM: Pediatrician waterboarded 12-year-old.
Police say they will waterboard pediatrician to get at the truth.
Students Sign Petition To Have Gun Owners Executed In Concentration Camps.
By firing squads I guess. This is why no one is hiring these people and older folks still employed.
Shouting Barbara Walters Defends Woody Allen Against Dylan Farrow #2
"The next thing you know is that priests have abused little boys!!"
Shouting Barbara Walters Defends Woody Allen Against Dylan Farrow
"We perverts must stick together. So all these things that Woody has been accused of, have to be wrong. I dress up like Hitler sometimes. We're all weird in some way or another."
WOODY ALLEN NIGHTMARE: An Open Letter From Dylan Farrow.
"Hey, hey Woody Allen I wrote you a letter! About a crazy old stepdad that's not getting better!" (B. Dylan tribute)
Congress Took 1,887 Free Trips in '13.
Citizens organizations want law passed that they can only go to Denver. "They can go anywhere after that, by just lighting up." Saves us billions.
AP: Cabin fever sets in amid relentless cold, snow.
Suicide has now become the number one killer. Most divorces in years as couples cannot get out of one another's sight. "Do you HAVE to scratch your privates Every morning?"
U.S. Back into the Space Race.
Send dog into space to orbit the earth three times before landing. "We did it!" yells President, holding newspaper in the air for Press pics.
China and India in Space Race #2
"Makes sense", says Houston. "They are the ones who need more room for their populations."
China, India Now in Space Race
The United States is broke and Russian leaders kept busy with the Olympics!
Jerry Brown Rips GOP Effort To Address Drought As 'Unwelcome, Divisive Intrusion'.
GOP: You elect a nutcase and now he's a old prune. We just stated that the rain in Brown's brain has made it plain.
Residents Upset With Name Of New Middle Eastern Restaurant, 'The Bomb'.
Owners say it's a great idea."People come in wary, probably on a dare, and don't hag around too long."
Game Most-Watched in History With 111.5 Million Viewers.
Most say they ate and drank and waited for the next funny commercial! "After the first quarter, why watch it?" say viewers.
Man Who Sold Coyote Coat To Joe Namath Says Business Booming Since Super Bowl.
PETA will begin running ads with Wile E. Coyote to condemn it!
JUSTICE SOTOMAYOR: Labeling Illegals as 'Criminals' is Insulting.
Then why are they called illegal? Is labeling crooks as crooks wrong? How about killers? Does that mean they just had a bad day?
True Facts From Snoops #667
According to Snoops: Poet and writer Edgar Allen Poe's actual name was Edgar Allen Pole, but he changed it thinking that no one with a name like Pole would be taken seriously!
True Facts From Snoops #126
According to Snoops: A Squirrel named Reggie was the first to climb to the top of a California Redwood tree.
True Facts From Snoops #269
According to Snoops: The Grand Canyon is 18 miles wide and a mile deep and at least a dozen or so people who first saw and reported it to towns were shot for lying about it.
True Facts From Snoops #151
According to Snoops: India's Kaziranga Park host 2,000 rhinos and once raced them in The Rhino Derby until PETA protests.
Some games already going in Russian Olmpics
Already seventeen people attending have been knocked out!
Many witches predicted wrong team in Super Bowl
"How did we know that Denver would turn up high as a kite? We better do better ladies. You all know what is at stake!"
Black Widow Spiders Newest Urban Pet Craze
Philip Seymour Hoffman Dies
The late, great actor has been officially confirmed as the fattest ever Heroin addict
French Comedian banned from UK
After Dieudonne was banned from the UK due to his perceived anti-Semitism, the French have reacted by refusing entry to Lenny Henry due to his Premier Inn adverts
Scientists issue warning that mosquitoes are now at the top of the endangered species list, as water dries up throughout the west. So far, nobody cares.
Chipotle Mexican Grill Introduces New Fusion Burrito
Chipotle keeps up its rapid pace in avant gard Mexican cusine. Now with its innovative Chiwawa Burrito, Chipotle has again scored numero uno and will have all running to savor tasty canine bits.
Bob Dylan Ad For Chrysler A Fraud
One little problem . . . Dylan praised the U.S. auto industry. Chrysler Corp. had been bought out by Fiat of Italy several weeks ago.
72% of all tweets about Hoffman made by people who can't name one movie he made
Three of every four Americans who've tweeted sympathy at Philip Seymour Hoffman's sudden passing have no fucking clue who he actually was. "Just seemed to be the cool thing to do," said Mikey Waters.
Kerry admits U.S. failure in Syria
"But we have a chance at all the other problems, even if it is next to none."
Woody Allen rejects sex abuse claim
"And all the other dozen or so that make ridiculous claims!"
Parents upset over 'game' at middle school that asked questions like 'Do your parents Drink?"
"Do their beds squeak at night?", "Do they use sex toys?", "Is there a lot on Moaning and Groaning?"
Congress Took 1,887 Free Trips in '13.
Maybe it's time to be another revolution with the Taxpayers refusing to pay anything until waste in congress and White House stopped.