Spoof news snippets from Monday 3 February 2014
GM pays female CEO far less than male CEO.
"Do as we say, not what we do", seems to never end. American now expect their politicians to lie! We're not the only ones.
NRA Calls '14 Elections Do-or-Die; Vows War With Bloomberg, Obama.
If we lose this one, actual war may be only solution to being sold out.
Early Drive for Clinton Unsettles Democrats
Hey, that's for 2016, how about some money for elections THIS year? By 2016, Obama may have us 50 trillion dollars in debt.
Video Surfaces of 4-Year-Old Jihadist in Syria Firing AK-47.
Looks like you're in for a long long siege, President Assad!
UPDATE: Super Bowl Most-Watched in History With 111.5 Million Viewers.
At least half said they stayed with it till halftime be3cause of food and drink at home, cold weather and snow outside and the Super Bowl Commercials!
More Trouble for Chris Christie
Forget the one lane bridge, now Christie is being accused of eating an opponent who disappeared 15 years ago.
The Franklin Mint Error
There are no known $3 bills in the U.S. or there shouldn't be. But for 30 days in the late 1790's, there were a dozen. Franklin was immediately called by Washington & told to quit farting around.
True Facts From Snoops #334
According to Snoops: In 2002, Mongolia issued a coin honoring President Richard Nixon of the United States, and a small button. When you pushed the button, you could hear him cuss!
True Facts From Snoops #204
According to Snoops: The area near Lake District Park in England was said to be what inspired Col. Sherman Potter to write his Rabbit's Peter stories.
True Facts From Snoops #104
According to Snoops: Tree kangaroos leave their trees at night to forage on the ground while ordinary kangaroos leave the ground and climb up tree to eat and sometimes smoke the cool leaves.
True Facts From Snoops #737
According to Snoops: Armadillos were once thought by scientists to be a cross between a turtle and an opossum! It was the duckbill platypus that made them pull out their hair!
Obama: Benghazi was 'not some systematic attack'
"It was a major screw-up on our part. Well, not me. It wasn't my fault."
50th Anniversary of Beatles on Ed Sullivan Show!
Sullivan welcomed Beatles but would only allow cameras to show them from the forehead down!
Abortions Declining in U.S., Study Finds
Credit high fructose corn syrup, MSG leading to many sterile couples.
Libya's Cache of Toxic Arms All Destroyed
"We used a lot of prune juice and mineral water", say United States General in charge (to bathrooms).
McDonalds Employees To Rally Tomorrow!
Rally employees say they may join them! While Hardees remain Laurel!
Al Qaeda Says It Has Broken Ties With Syrian Affiliate
"Those people over there are too Sane!", says al-Qaida doomed Second in Command.
Another Wizard of Oz on the way!
However, they are running short of midgets! (to play munchkins and flying monkeys.)
Seattle Seahawks Fly Away With Super Bowl
While Broncos are busy horsing around up and down the field.
Hubble Telescope Discovers Second Earth!
Later apologizes as piece of space junk reflected mirror-like image of our planet!
Pot taxes add more than $1M to Colorado coffins #2
I'm sorry, that should be: Pot taxes add more than $1M to Colorado coffers!
Pot taxes add more than $1M to Colorado coffers
48 more states are now considering legalizing marijuana with high taxes.
Weiner Roast Tonight
Friends and family of Anthony Weiner to have a special dinner for the former candidate at Lions Club. This should be good.
Arson Suspect Held By Police at Fire Serene!
Suspect: "Makes you wish you had some marshmallows and weiners don't it?"
Ban On Soliciting At Hardwood
Hardwood has put an end to all the soliciting on its streets or at Hardwood houses.
Spread a little happiness-Oooh-la-la!
Demand For Real Butter Is Spreading.....After Hollywood executives order re-make of Last Tango In Paris!!
Education Minister and registered Imbecile Michael 'Gofer' Gove announces 10-hour school day.....'more time to sleep' added a spokesschoolchild before collapsing over his desk in a stupour!
Howie Mandel: Comedian: I grew up with mental illness.
"Then I turned to telling jokes as a comedian and now no one can tell the difference."
Woody Allen: Abuse allegation 'untrue'
"Just more vicious lies" says man who married adopted daughter. "They're perverted."
Bud Pup Scores Big Deal for Next Puppy Turf Test
Clyde, Bud Beer comm pup, disclosed in a press release that his agent, Rip Kibble, got a lucrative contract for him to star in next year's Puppy Bowl. Asked about the deal, Clyde drooled and licked.
True Facts From Snoops #390
According to Snoops: 'Tricky Dicky' Nixon got his nickname from his wife who said that he learned it from a Chinese contortionist he met in first visit there.
True Facts From Snoops #360
According to Snoops: Sloths sleep 16 hours a day and spend most of their waking time stretching, yawning and eating.
True Facts From Snoops #181
According to Snoops: Calling some large person "Moose" is the leading cause of death in six northern states!
True Facts From Snoops #701
According to Snoops: Cats see six times better than humans at night so they lay on the floor for you to trip over for laughs later.
Historic Drought Has West Fearing Worst. #2
Water rationing is apparently on it's way according to government officials. "There may be school closings, etc by fall if there's no spring & summer rain and a lot of it."
Historic Drought Has West Fearing Worst.
"It's The Grapes of Wrath all over again", says one movie producer.
Woody Allen: It's a lie!
Woody Allen accused by daughter as a child molester claims all the child molesting charges are lies, no matter how many there are.
POLICE: Couple die of carbon monoxide poisoning while having sex in car.
"Hope they died happy", says officer. "But it was such a stupid thing to do."
SNOW JOB: Man used tow truck to steal abandoned cars from Atlanta highways.
Police looking at videos and sending out car license plate numbers.
Super Bowl 2014: Transit woes plague ride home
"It was a mess and an especially long, long journey for us Denver fans", stated one Super Bowl fan.
Concedes end of NFL career is near.
"So hard to get here and it depends so much on injuries. Something will have to change this or more players will leave early."
Porsche + VW = Speed Donkey!
Porsche's takevoer bid for VW failed because Porsche + VW = a Speed Donkey so now the financers are suing Porsche because they dangled the carats and only got carrots!
Chinese celebrate New Year with Findus Lasagne
Warren Buffett Acquired Colorado after Broncos Defeat
Warren Buffett announced late Sunday that he now owns the state of Colorado. Due to the steep decline in value post Bronco fiasco, Buffett made a quick buy out. It will now be called West Nebraska.
Obama Desperately Trying to Keep Afghan War Going
"We're almost halfway to the French record in the "30 Years War", might as well keep going!"
Mexico Launches New Tourism Campaign " Violence, Just Ignore It!"
In an effort to draw back the tourist trade, our southern neighbor is trying to reach out to travelers. Oh, and maybe skip Guaymas for this trip!
Winnie the Pooh Killed in Tragic Hunny Pot Accident
This was definitely a case of "Bears who love too much (Hunny)"
True Facts From Snoops #979
According to Snoops: Honey Buckets got their name from buckets of human waste, once kept in castles and, when the boiling oil ran out, was dumped on enemy wall climbers. They would die from dysentery.
Mass sea star deaths off US west coast puzzle scientists
This is just a guess but do you think all that nuclear waste in the ocean coming from Japan might have something to do with it?
Germany preparing THIRD financial rescue for Greece.
"We're getting a little weary of Greecing their palms!", says finance minister.
NKorea warns military games may spark war.
SKorea replies that they better get the practice in, if that is the case.
Fly fishing is the world's most boring sport - beating croquet for the first time in 50 years.
Top Secret, Undercover, Hush Hush Meeting Announced on Facebook
Says Anonymous, "We have a lot at stake here so be sure to tell absolutely no one!"
Twelve Hundred Fifty-Nine Bronco Fans Die of Apparent Suicide
In breaking news, 1259 Denver Bronco fans apparently committed suicide during halftime of the 2014 Super Bowl. "Better to go out now than have to see anymore" read a typical note.
Japanese Tourist Confused in Small Western Town
Mr. Yoshi Yasamoto, of Kyoto, Japan, was recently incarcerated in Bill, Wyoming, after he became confused by the "Bucks" and "Does" signs on a cafe's restroom doors. Yoshi inadvertently chose "Does".
Ms. Eva Sharer Wins Spoonerism Award
Ms. Eva Sharer won the best spoonerisms of the years an was confirmed by several people on the street on Gatlinburg, Tn. by calling the traffic cops there, "Coffee Traps".
True Facts From Snoops #567
According to Snoops: Owls have the best eyesight of all animals except for a mad wife, looking for her husband slipping in back door, armed with a frying pan!
True Facts From Snoops #076
According to Snoops: The record falling and survival for a cat id six stories. He immediately hit the ground running for the pet cemetery!
Al "Mr. Compost" Gore
Tipper says green leaves for toilet paper and all clothes from Salvation Army was last straw. "He's green alright, with money!
Economy Creating More Jobs
Yes, for fore-closures, debt callings, food distribution, Military officers who tell family what went wrong, undertakers, suicide counselors, volunteers, military medics and government jobs.