Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 25 February 2014
Family finds a rat baked into supermarket cake
Mom: Gross! Daughter: I'm going to be sick! Birthday Boy: "Wow! That's Cool!"
Taco Bell takes aim at McDonald's with breakfast
Will begin selling their Tacos and sausage gravy this coming weekend!
Maple season hit by lower than normal temps.
I think that last year it was too hot or too dry/wet! All we know is that means it's price will be higher!
Michelle O Pushing Ban on Junk Food Advertising in Schools.#2
Washintong tells us what to eat. When will they tell us when we can have sex and how many times per week?
Michelle O Pushing Ban on Junk Food Advertising in Schools.
Now Washington wants to tell us what to eat. When will we know where to piss?
True Facts From Snoops #624
Snoops: The very worst thing you can say to a poison snake is to "Go bite yourself!"
True Facts From Snoops #646
Snoops: Some people have Agyrophobia, the fear of slime. Ever time they seen a McDonald's burger, they cross themselves.
True Facts From Snoops #964
Snoops: Our nearest planet is Mars but it is far beyond Old man Kelsey's woods.
True Facts From Snoops #236
Snoops: A Brazilian man holds the record for holding his breath for over 20 minutes under water. They say that as a kid he'd get anything he wanted by holding his breath until he turned blacker.
True Facts From Snoops #604
Snoops: The reason "The Lonely Bull" was an instrumental by Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass is that it was so sad that no one could sing it without crying.
John Kerry Mix-Up
Secretary of State in Egypt trying to make a deal with Venezuela.
Whore or smuggler?
When is a whore a people smuggler? Answer, when she's not on the gang bang!
Huey, Dewey and Louie Come Out of Closet
"Uncle Donald" not really their Uncle. They are all big buddies with Gladstone Gander!
Disney Workers Want Pay Boost
Disney: We have placed Uncle Scrooge McDuck over that department.
Obama, Boehner have 'constructive' meeting
"I think we have come up with a lie that will please every liar in Washington DC.
Obama orders Pentagon to prepare for complete withdrawal from Afghanistan
That's great. Why did you wait five years? Don't send anymore soldiers, send weapons, drones and robot laser warriors!
Calif. Couple Strike $10 Million Gold-Coin Bonanza
Say they were led there by a leprechaun!
True Facts From Snoops #856
Snoops: President Bill Clinton was known around the White House aids as "Bill The Dill!"
True Facts From Snoops #883
Snoops: Buzzards do not have sharp beaks so they must allow their meat to rot a bit. Either that or pay a crow to steal some meat tenderizer for them.
True Facts From Snoops #315
Snoops: The ancient Myslodon shark had 200 teeth, each two feet long. Whatever killed them off, I don't even want to think about it.
True Facts From Snoops #617
Snoops Humans are the only apes that who can write music.
True Facts From Snoops #656
Snoops: Is you counted one number a second without stopping until you got to a billion, you would have wasted 32 years of your life. I tried to tell the moron that but he just yelled "17,896, 876!"
'Lifers' Leaving Prison At Record Pace.
So they can do as they like. "What are you going to do, give us life again?"
Chicago Could Get More Record-Breaking Cold.
It's the Bears fault, them and that refrigerator who used to play with them.
Hollywood A-Listers Distance Themselves from Obamacare.
You stay in Washington, we will stay out here!
Global Warming Murdered in Cold Blood!
Radical arctic air vortexes assassinate Global Warming; planet in panic as terroristic cooler weather threatens.
Girl Scouts not allowed to sell cookies outside of pot shops in Colorado #2
Now they're selling them at discount to pot shop owners!
Girl Scouts not allowed to sell cookies outside of pot shops in Colorado
However, Hookers get an OK if they dress in a nice way, no hags!
Pope Francis Telling Jokes
Those Swiss Guards look like something from "The Wizard of Oz!"
JEB: Being a Bush or Clinton will hurt in 2016.
Add Obama and you have "The Big Three" that killed America!
CO Launches Media Blitz To Stop Stoned Drivers: 'Drive High, Get A DUI'.
How about, "Drive under pot, Prepare to rot!". Drives it home!
STUDY: Fatal Car Crashes by Pot Smokers up 300% over Last Decade.
That's certainly a big surprise, especially to the ones that were hit! Some lawsuits called for, I guess.
Prospectors Say Drought Has Created California's 2nd Gold Rush #2
Drought bringing exposing land once again that was covered with water. The land is ripe for gold digging say prospectors.
Prospectors Say Drought Has Created California's 2nd Gold Rush
I guess every drought has a silver, rather, gold lining.
Invisible Cube Saves Mime
During a big shootout between gangs in Detroit, Mime hides inside his invisible cube. "Look at where all those bullets hit."
True Facts From Snoops #605
Snoops: One man in a coma for two months had gone crazy while counting over ten million sheep while lying there.
True Facts From Snoops #493
Snoops: Many of the cave drawings in France show flying saucers. Most researchers say the Neanderthals were playing a joke on future generations.
True Facts From Snoops #621
Snoops: There is a soup can of bacteria in your stomach at any time. There's an old saying around buzzards, "The early Buzz gets the soup can!"
True Facts From Snoops #1022
Snoops: In 1692, 19 people were hung in Salem, Massachusetts as witches. Today there are an estimated 100,000 witches within the United States. Modern witches fly on vacuum cleaners.
Student suspended for fishing knife in father's car.
School now will not have any toothpicks or thumb tacks around. Fingernails must be cut.
Former priest's pedophilia deemed 'disability', gets federal benefits.
Hundred thousand hooked on porn ask for disability checks. "We promise not to buy any porn with the money but we are sick!"
Former priest's pedophilia deemed 'disability', gets federal benefits.
Hundreds of priests now come forward to get Disability checks!
FBI believed Ali fight fixed by mob 50 years ago.
FBI believed that half the country were communists 60 years ago!
Brazil, Europe plan undersea cable to skirt U.S. spying.
All we'll have now is the submarines, overhead satellites and underwater drones.
Sao Paulo deploys unarmed jiu jitsu squad for anti-World Cup protests.
Protesters hire kick boxers. Should be more excitement outside the games than in inside.
IRS tea party crackdown crumbling as even liberal groups oppose it.
Of course, everybody opposes the IRS, even those who work there!
Army To Shrink Again
Cheney: Obama 'much rather spend the money on his vacations and food stamps'.
True Facts From Snoops #921
Snoops: Jellyfish can still sting after you are dead!
True Facts From Snoops #853
Snoops: "Ring Around The Rosie" is a child's game but it's origins came from the Plague of Europe. Researchers are still studying from where the game of "Doctors" came.
True Facts From Snoops #124
Snoops: Vampires are pictured on 2300 year-old Babylon Art. Only these had no sharp teeth and sucked breasts!
True Facts From Snoops #616
Snoops: The average number of sheep to count in order to go to sleep is 342. After this and you're still awake, get up and take a knockout pill!
True Facts From Snoops #906
Snoops: Basketball great Shaquille O'Neal wears size 23 shoes tells reporters he can now ski without skis.
U.S. & Japan Collaborating
New 'soldiers' are being constructed using new technology to create robots.
UPDATE: Pentagon plans to shrink Army to pre-WWII level.
But give them better weapons. "We can wipe out a whole section of a country now without using nuclear weapons!"
Gays unite against Arizona!
"We shall see the Phoenix once again rise about the asses!"
Nancy Pelosi Loses Face!
"I can't see well without it and I'm not going out. I think it's probably close to the remote as it's missing also."
Phil the warrior
Ten British soldiers have been busted trying to break into Buckingham Palace. They were greeted by the fearsome sight of Prince Philip, dressed in black, waving a samurai sword and were forced to run.
Pressure mounts over bill opposed by gays.
Joe Biden: "Now what's all this about mounting gays?"
When the pie was opened the blackshirts began to sing.
Pope Francis Pens Musical Tribute to Galileo
Vatican-His Holiness displayed another facet of his multitalents. The Pope dashed off a musical review in honor of Galileo called "Stars in His Eyes, Sacrilege in His Pen." Swiss Guards will perform.
HHS Secretary Sebelius Tenders Her Resignation in Surprise Move
Secy Sebelius surprised all today by tendering her resignation to Pres Obama,saying:"All is well with ObamaCare,I'm journeying on to my next fulfilling role--being the main cougar for Justin Bieber."
Defense Secretary Hagel Announces Major Reduction in Defense Budget
Hagel laid out a plan to reduce spending on US military forces,saying:"S'time we spent less defending the Country. Besides, the funds are now available to upgrade my chateau in GopherFart, Nebraska."
Jimmy Fallon Announces New Addition to The Tonight Show
New Host Fallon revealed that VP Joe Biden will be the Permanent Fool in Residence on the show. Whenever the team of writers need a break, Biden will appear on stage and mumble his usual nonsense.
Kim Kardashian To Reduce Caboose
"It'll still be bigger than normal but it's embarrassing having to sit on two chairs!"
Today's Birthdays Include:
Today's Birthdays: Actor Steven Hill is 92. Actress Emmanuelle Riva is 87. Actor-singer Dominic Chianese (kee-uh-NAY'-see) is 83. Movie composer Michel Legrand is 82 and actor Abe Vigoda is 198!
One This Date:
In 1582, Pope Gregory XIII issued an edict outlining his calendar reforms. "Hear ye, Hear ye! Thirty days has September..."
Rush Limbaugh Peer Announcement!
Joe Biden may think it's funny to pee in your beer. Bieber and Biden love jokes..on other people.
"Men With Men Is Sick!"
After signing an anti-homosexuality law, Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni told CNN that being gay is "unnatural" and not a human right.
Defense secretary calls for military budget cuts.
"I think we should give that money to those poor terrorists hid up in the mountains. Now, is everybody happy?
White House: U.S. Ready to Provide Cash to Ukraine
Mind if we make it out in Chinese Yuan? That's our second currency now.
Supreme Court divided on whether EPA has overreached on greenhouse gas rules
They overreached a long time ago. That's why our fuel costs so much!
Youth Tries to Water Board Brother
He wouldn't tell me where he found where mom hides her chocolate. So I poured water on him and made him set on a board. He told me. Then we ate too much. Then we caught it from Mom!
Clumsy Cart & Brother Hold Up Bank
Holdup in New York fails when robber falls of over his own shoestrings.
More UFO Sightings Also!
UPDATE: More radiation detected near New Mexico nuke site.
Phones for outsmarting snoopers get pitched to mass market.
Anyone who thinks they can outsmart hackers that are not a hacker themselves is getting taken for a ride.