Spoof news snippets from Monday 24 February 2014
True Facts From Snoops #615
Spoof: Monkeys are not apes. Apes include gorillas, chimps and humans. It is an insult to a monkey to say you evolved from him and you will get a handful of crap hurled at you!
True Facts From Snoops #414
Snoops: During the Ice Age, many people survived on snow cones and were the first to come up with sayings like cold as "the witches tit" and "well-diggers ass".
True Facts From Snoops #125
Snoops: The earliest were wolves looked like wild dogs who walk on their back feet and had a silly howl like a young rooster trying to crow!
True Facts From Snoops #022
Snoops: Cockroaches can live two weeks without a head but a eunuch usually lives only a week and a half before suicide!
True Facts From Snoops #932
Snoops: Five nuclear submarines has sunk to the bottom of the ocean. A marker over each warms ships to move slowly when passing over them.
Man Calls 911 After Escaping Police Custody -- Because Handcuffs Too Tight.
"You ain't going to arrest me or anything are you? I mean I could sue." Police: You're the one who took off with them before we could adjust them."
True Facts From Snoops #506
Snoops: One good thing about getting bitten by a vampire is that that soon you will be one too and you can go get your blood back!
True Facts From Snoops #400
Snoops: If a hungry Python gets after your group, push the fattest guy at it and yell, "Let it swallow you and burst it from the inside!"
True Facts From Snoops #314
Snoops: Zombie Walks are now held in many cities. People dress as if they were dead and walk up and down city sidewalks. Sometimes real zombies take advantage of the situations.
True Facts From Snoops #300
Snoops: There are 26 squares in the game of checkers. Twenty four on the board and 2 players!
GOOGLE: Robots will be smarter than us all by 2029.
As predicted by model #8881B. "Humans are boneheads. We are Borg!"
Brazil, Europe plan undersea cable to skirt U.S. spying.
U.S. testing new nuclear sub listening devices.
Berkeley Approves New Law
Berkeley University the third college to outlaw Praying Mantis on their campus!
Uganda president signs harsh anti-gay law: Prison!
That should really cut down on gay activity, going to prison!
Egypt's Prime Minister and Cabinet Abruptly Resign
"That's it, I quit! Leave the camel's head at the foot of the bed to the next Prime Minister!
Let the 2014 Election Games Begin
Most are wondering when the 2012 games were ever over!
The House Divided...
... American families consider whether politics are really that important. Many test theory with cookouts before next ice storm.
Superman Fans Are 75% in Favor!
The tadpoles of the Flying Vampire Frogs have 2 pointy teeth. Also many believe that Perry White should have yelled "Great Flying Vampire Frogs!" instead 0f ""Great Caesar's Ghost!"
True Facts From Snoops #473
Snoops: Only 12 people live on "The Screaming Skull" reservation in Utah. They are all deaf.
True Facts From Snoops #474
Snoops: Some intestinal diseases are treated by swallowing live worm eggs. Then you can drown the hatched ones in the commode once they have done all the dirty work. Note: Don't tell PETA!
Don't Hold Back
You can damage your colon if you hold bight a fart. Your choice, your new date or a mighty blast for your colon.
Years in the Military!
I guess it comes from all those years in the Military but my wife's favorite is the "Dead Cockroach Position!"
Billy Joel Denies Blooper
Singer Billy Joel denies that during his song at concert recently, he say "We didn't fart the star!" but those up front in the crowd insist that he did!
Seen From Space: Ice Covers 80 Percent of Great Lakes
"We will have some more photos later from our friend, the UFO in the sky!"
Dealers Seek U.S. Treasurys Help in Regaining Grip on Debt
"That Colorado/Washington thing has hurt us badly. We need a government bailout or we're taking our stuff to Canada."
Cuts in Army troop levels to continue in new budget
Just like Mr. Clinton, he cut troops until 911 happened. So look for another attack.
Police Dismiss Norwegian Mass Killer's Complaints
"Oh, you know. He says his pillow was too soft, we never told him a story and tucked him in", says policeman.
True Facts From Snoops #313
Snoops: Most piglets are born with straight tails and curly ears!
True Facts From Snoops #529
Snoops: The Nightjars have the shortest beaks of any bird and are often the subject jokes told among birds. "Is that your beak or are you sad to see me?"
True Facts From Snoops #553
Snoops: Saltwater crocodiles are one of the toughest animals in the world. It is next to impossible to chew Saltwater Taffy made from these fellows.
True Facts From Snoops #392
Snoops: Modern humans have changed very little from the earliest homo sapiens, especially the male of the species!
True Facts From Snoops #868
Snoops: Earths first lichens were made up of algae and fungus and grew on rocks. Fungus! I have the oldest things on earth on both feet!
Pope makes first overhaul of Vatican in 25 years
Our next President needs to do this. We have been out of it for about 25 years!
Tiny Crystal Is 'Oldest Known Piece of Earth'.
Woman in Arkansas disagrees! Come out here and carbon date my Chester!
Man says female HARDEE'S boss made sex a requirement of job.
Hundreds wanting to know where this is located.
#2 NYC forces gun buyers to wait six to eight months for permits.
You can get a round trip ticket to west and get a gun and some pot while you're at it.
NYC forces gun buyers to wait six to eight months for permits.
If you are trying to block sales, this doesn't work. Crooks don't need to buy guns. After bank robbery or shooting, if arrested, that would be the last of their worries.
Hundreds bare all in bid to break world record for largest nude ocean swim.
First ones in the water were the 'smaller' ones of both sexes!
True Facts From Snoops #885
Snoops: The 'Peking Man' fossils disappeared during WWII and were never found. However, they later discovered the 'Beijing Man'.
True Facts From Snoops #616
Snoops: Ancestors of the dinosaurs were the Fullasores who came 2 billion years before the dinosaurs, according to a bone fragment found of ones tail in Caney Creek, Ky. 2 years ago by skinny dippers.
True Facts From Snoops #522
Snoops: Cherry Trees are toxic. That's why you never see a goat trying to eat one and all the 'KEEP OFF' squirrel signs every where.
True Facts From Snoops #161
Snoops: The Giant Corpse Plant stinks so bad that insects have to close their noses to get close enough to pollinate the plant. As far as we know, no Horror Movie made from this!
True Facts From Snoops #873
Snoops: Scientists in America are studying using spider webbing as lightweight armor for troops, according to Sergeant Peter Parker.
New Census Report Updated
There are now over 500,000 people around the world that work as spies.
PAPER: USA eavesdropping on hundreds of key German figures.
German People! We are spied upon all the time here. Of course, you probably know that from your spies.
Merkel urges Britain to remain in Europe.
Brittain: Sorry but we already have our bags packed and called the taxi!
Americans Most Wanted Drag Lord Captured!
Seen arrested here. He's the one with the handcuffs and the gaudy dress.
Mexico's Most Wanted Drug Lord 'El Chapo' Captured.
They keep letting him go and re-arresting him for the cameras as this is the 3-4th day it's been atop news.
Widespread asylum fraud in NY Chinatown..
Washington seems to be completely out of control!
#2 UPDATE: Girl Scouts Banned From Selling Cookies Outside CO Pot Shops...
We wouldn't want any free enterprise going on in a socialist country!
UPDATE: Girl Scouts Banned From Selling Cookies Outside CO Pot Shops.
So now the snack delivery trucks are open in the areas!
Godfather in Danger: Obama Mentor May Challenge for Mayor.
Twenty-four hours a day, every day, every month and every year, somebody is running for political office. Must be some rich kick-backs!
Dennis Rodman North Korea Mission to Become FOX Movie...
Rodman and Kim Show! Something I definite,y want to turn off!
LARRY KING: I could come back.
But I would have to go to Haiti first and consult with some people I know.
Who will slip up over oil?
Generating enough wind for many a farm.
Cause of Swiss Avalanche Discovered....
nearby yodeler's convention!
American Idol Contestants Stage "Howl-In" at Metropolitan Opera
Aggrieved Idol contestants demand that Obama Administration carry out "talent redistribution" ASAP. They claim they have a constitutional right to "talent equality" with actual singers.
PETA Raising Funds For "Old Folks" Home....
for tortoises, tuataras, parrots, quahogs and koi.
Apple Introduces New "iDad" and "iMom"
Gone are the days when kids needed old-fashioned "analog" parents!
Gay bandwagon getting so full of celebrities...
it is about to collapse!
Trappers Pelted with Pelts at Jamboree
Alcohol seemed to be the culprit.
Miniature Yorkies Removed From "Real Dog" List
The dogs were found to be too small to be of any real use and were prone to be washed down shower drains.
Onomatopoeia Stricken From Words You Can Use in Public
Studies show that using the word can take up too much time during a conversation.
Horrible Fecundity Found in North America
Birth rates are down.
President Pares Productivity by Providing Parsimonious Pleasantries
Obama was a little short with White House guests on Wednesday.
Most of Area Man's Fantasies Fulfilled at Saturday's Rodeo
"Horses, cowgirls, cowboys, chewing tobacco. What else could a guy ask for?" sighed local Safeway employee, Fred Jesperson.
Massive warts outbreak....
at Angel Camp's frog jumping contest!
True Facts From Snoops #717
Snoops: Some very ancient cave drawing discovered actually look just like Regis!
True Facts From Snoops #886
Snoops: 75% of a cat's day is sleeping. 10% is grooming and 15% for eating.
True Facts From Snoops #708
Snoops: Before the "Cup" was invented for baseball catchers, ten percent retired as eunuchs!
True Facts From Snoops #931
Snoops: Although he never appeared on stage because of his embarrassment about his size, Howdy Doody had a big brother named Heavy Doody!
True Facts From Snoops #515
Snoops: At most supermarkets in the USA you will find that the produce manager is a "Breast" Man!
True Facts From Snoops #312
Snoops: Cheech and Chong to do state commercials "Come to the Mountains so High here in Denver!" beginning soon.
True Facts From Snoops #126
Snoops: Baseball fans say that the number one thing they miss in classic sporting events is the nicknames like "Magic", "The Stilt", "Scooter", "Shoeless". "Dizzy" "Big Dick Donavan" and "Tinker"!
Ways To Rember
One way to remember to go to Daylight savings Time is in the Spring, spring forward & spring the clock against the wall. In the Fall, look at the clock that's an hour off, smile & fall back into bed.
Commercial Was Botched
A mix-up on an old Alka-Seltzer commercial ran in the 1970' as an Italian husband named Ralph clearly says, "Mama Mia, that certainly was a hairy meatball!" "You ate it, Ralph." should be "heavy".
Kids 10 and under say vampires and zombies are boring....
what next, Hollywood?!