Spoof news snippets from Sunday 23 February 2014
Susan Rice Reveals Source of Info on Initial Benghazi Reports
NSA Head Rice disclosed that reports on Benghazi attacks being due to "spontaneous demonstrations" came from secret briefings given by Alien captors, though one did look a lot like Valerie Jarrett.
Politics Heating Up!
"That opponent of mine is a Talking Jackass! He has the upper head of Kerry and the chin of Jay Leno!"
67-Year-Old Says Wife Is Fine
"I don't know where they get that saying but my old wife's tail is as cute as ever!"
Protesters make noise over New York plan to kill off mute swans
"Of course they're pretty!", says spokesman for City. "They make the rest of us look ugly, and we can't have that."
U.S. governors plan to urge Obama not to downsize National Guard
Not with all the weather disasters we have had the past few years!
True Facts From Snoops #492
Snoops: The shape of a dinosaurs eye sockets can tell scientists what time of day they were active and whether or not they were using Daylight Savings Time.
True Facts From Snoops #115
Snoops: There were only three Native American Head pennies printed in 1909. The rest were Indian Head.
True Facts From Snoops #413
Snoops: Emeril Lagasse blew it when making a Southern dish included hog balls, calling them Hilltop Clams!
True Facts From Snoops #535
Snoops: Turkey buzzards rely on their sense of smell to find dead carcuses. Some funeral homes use these like Faconers use falcons!
Why did Captain and Tennille Split Up?
"Tennille wanted her name to appear first!", says Captain. "I said, "Who's the Captain around here, anyway?"
'Shoeless' Joe Jackson bat snags big $
All that money for a bat when the poor guy couldn't even afford shoes in the 1920s.
Doctor discovers he's a psychopath
"I would never have believed it of myself", says Dr. Jekyll.
So, who's in charge of Ukraine? #2
Will it be split with one half loyal to Russia, the other to Western Europe?
So, who's in charge of Ukraine?
Ukraines would like to know. Have we decided with the West or Russia?
Wife hate Husbands performance
It's his sheet music. He does fine until the end and the cannons begin to roar and I begin to leave the room.
Ukraine has new leader also!
Be sure to keep your scorecard up to date by checking with The Spoof!
Thawing in Midwest causing flood conditions
California: Wish you could ship it out here to melt!
Thousands march in Hong Kong against erosion of media freedoms
Do we have enough guts to do that here? This summer we will see!
True Facts From Snoops #554
Snoops: Brown Thrashers can sing as many as 2,000 different songs, over one hundred written by Bob Dylan alone!
True Facts From Snoops #950
Snoops: Hummingbirds can eat as much as their body weight in a day. Big deal, my Uncle Ben can do that every Thanksgiving.
True Facts From Snoops #407
Snoops: A flock of crows is called a murder. Usually they are followed closely by a wake of buzzards.
True Facts From Snoops #726
Snoops: Spiders have clear blood. No one knows what that red stuff is when you stomp on one.
Beijing Air Pollution 11X Recommended Levels.
According to somebody out there somewhere that we cannot see!
New American Slang
Couch Cucumber tells Couch Tomato he'd like her to come over and couch potato a bit?
Exercise data reveal couch potato nation.
Statistics gathered by computers of more Couch Potatoes.
Young Libertarians Aim to Be Players in '14 Elections.
(Offshoot of Great Pumpkin) We believe that Liberace will one day rise up over the Pumpkin Patch! May his teeth shine!
Is the Color Yellow Dangerous?
Only if your skin turns that color, according to liver specialist!
Zimbabwe's Mugabe Celebrates 90th Birthday
Does a special dance he calls "The Mugabe 90 Twerk"!
Team USA Says Goodbye To Sochi
Did a special tribute number, "Hang On Sochi, Sochi Hang On"
'Polar Vortex' to Make Encore Performance Midwest, East.
Yoohoo! Here I am back again. I don't want any clear ground showing!
State Dept. warns against travel.
That's just about everywhere outside of Western Europe and Australia!
Moyes: Other Clubs Have Gone Soft
Moyes spoke of Manchester United's recent terrible form "If I'm being brutally honest we're doing nothing wrong. It's the other clubs that have gone soft, ruthlessly scoring goals against us."
True Facts From Snoops #097
Snoops: The are 40 species, some poisonous, of funnel web spiders in eastern Australia. So I'd watch my cotton candy and funnel cakes and not pick up any that I dropped on ground at a fair.
True Facts From Snoops #704
Snoops: Many prisoners were sent to Australia by England. There they discovered gold, got back aboard and came back and built large homes. (That should teach them a lesson).
True Facts From Snoops #960
Snoops: Most lobsters are greenish-Brown but turn bright red when boiled in water. Cannibals say that humans are the same way.
True Facts From Snoops #442
Snoops: Riders of Superman:Escape From Krypton! Roller Coaster experience 5-7 seconds of weightlessness, even longer if you forget to buckle up!
True Facts From Snoops #642
Snoops: Brown Recluse Spiders are dangerous but not deadly. They like to hide in outdoor toilets and bite you on the naughty bits. Then you'll wish you were dead!
MAHER: Bring Back The Newspapers!
All those trees will grow back one of these days!
Buddhist faction protests Dalai Lama.
You mean that the Buddhists are at war with each other too?
NFL Expected to Penalize Use of N-word. #2
"Just so long as we can try to break their legs or knock them out, we won't say a word. Just dance!"
NFL Expected to Penalize Use of N-word.
Defensive backs say they will just make up their own words to use: "Nimrod! "Yo Mama!"
Egypt's Morsi urges 'revolution' from courtroom.
Gets hit by dozens of shoes that flew past bars!
Woman Convicted of Inciting Terror Over TWITTER.
Police investing say that she showed a photographs of Cher without her make-up, wrinkled butt before special pants, etc.
Opposition, pro-govt rallies grip Venezuela.
And about fifteen or twenty other countries. Pressure building here also. Stock up on those Twinkies.
True Facts From Snoops #692
Snoops: The poinsettias plant can make either you or your cat sick if you bite on it. Of course, many people will bite on it anyway, especially after Holiday meals and want to purge.
True Facts From Snoops #842
According to Snoops: The largest poisonous is the King Cobra! It's as long as a car and in 1964, killed two dozen clowns stuffed into a car at a circus.
True Facts From Snoops #725
Snoops: Tiny leeches can live in your nose. Doctors used to stop nosebleeds by attaching leeches, but quit when they began reaching their brains!"
True Facts From Snoops #804
Snoops: A flock of chickens is called a "peep". 'What, I say What, did you just call us? I will not, I say, I will not let that pass! Stand up boy, you're falling all over yourself!"
True Facts From Snoops #715
Snoops: Some brands of gelatin are made from the hide and bones of animals. For instance store brand "Bonehide Gelatin"!
Cruz: 'Global warming' not supported by Data
"Remember, this is the original Data before he was blown up by the Borg!"
Gore warns Kansas: 'Dust Bowl coming back, quickly, unless we act'.#2
"The Floor is Falling! The Floor is falling!"
Gore warns Kansas: 'Dust Bowl coming back, quickly, unless we act'.
Gore, this has happened before, repeatedly, for hundreds of years. Where were your global warming back hundreds or thousands of years ago? Native Americans can tell you a lot,
Air Force reveals 'neighborhood watch' spy satellite program...
Be sure to close the curtains in your bedroom or kitchen if that's where you prefer.
Christine O'Donnell: I was victim of IRS.
Most Americans agree as the exact same thing has happened to them!
Mexico's Most Wanted Drug Lord 'El Chapo' Captured #4
Tells those arresting him that he is really, "El Nopal" who runs many restaurants in Mexico and Texas.
Mexico's Most Wanted Drug Lord 'El Chapo' Captured.#3
Argues that he is "El Camino" who once worked with General Motors in Detroit!
Mexico's Most Wanted Drug Lord 'El Chapo' Captured #2
Argues that he is "El Kabong" who used to star with Yogi The Bear Show!
Mexico's Most Wanted Drug Lord 'El Chapo' Captured.
Argues that he is his brother "El Cheapo" who only sold fake drugs.
Brooks denies being a redhead, but admits to 'intimate ginger moments'
more soon (we are sorry to say)
Britney Spears Reveals New, Enhanced Look on Red Carpet
In related market news, chemical commodities and plastic futures soared to new record levels, while carpet cleaning solution suppliers recorded surging revenues.
First Returners from Sochi Held Hostage by Wildlife Defenders
Those landing at JFK from the Games faced hazard from Fans of Furry Wildlife(FFW). Returners had consumed wolfcutlets and foxfritters at Sochi cafeteria.FFW demanded regurgitation on the spot or else.
Obama family dog, Bo, escaped through White House fence 9 weeks ago....
FiFi, a neighborhood poodle, gave birth today to six puppies who are named Bo Derek, Bo Jackson, Bo Bridges, Bo Geste, Bo Winkle, and Bo Diddley.
True Facts From Snoops #033
Snoops: An apparition is a ghost. However, you'll get a bigger reaction if you yell "Ghost!" than if you yell "Apparition!"
True Facts From Snoops #993
Snoops: You can damage your hearing by holding back a sneeze. I say let it fly and damage the eardrums of others.
New IMAX Popular
The new inside 'roller coaster' in Seattle, Washington already very popular. You just sit in front at an IMAX and light up a joint.
Girl Scout Sells Cookies Outside Pot Store
Smart kid. Sells out in five minutes!
Do The Twerkin' Frackenstein!(Shake, Rattle & Coal!)
Exxon CEO: You can Do anything But Don't Frack in My Backyard