Spoof news snippets from Saturday 22 February 2014
D'Souza: 'Vindictive' Obama Sees Critics as Enemies.
Then he sure has a lot of enemies because criticism is everywhere.
First Boomers Finding Their "Gap Year" Leads Nowhere
Early Boomers who took a "gap year" find no careers to return to. HHS Sec Sebelius: "It's the Administration's way of handling ageism. When there are no jobs, oldsters can't be laid off from them!"
True Facts From Snoops #992
Snoops: Skydiving was discovered accidentally by an umbrella salesman who had hitched a ride to a different town in a small plan and fell out.
Go Inside Stalin's Sochi Vacation Home
It shows just how much he had in common with the everyday man...if everyday he was loaded!
True Facts From Snoops #654
Snoops: A lottery winner in West Virginia was on CBS News thu=is morning and was asked how he had won. "It's because of my Good Luck Squirrel Balls!
True Facts From Snoops #634
In England it's considered lucky if you find a spider in your wedding dress, unless the dress fits.
True Facts From Snoops #880
Snoops: Monkeys have the same amount of teeth as we do but just take our word for it and never place your hand near a monkey's mouth.
True Facts From Snoops #791
Snoops: People have abandoned placing a lucky horseshoe over their doors after 20-25 kids a year slammed door on the way out as adult on way in.
Rumor: Over 100 NKoreans burned up headed for earth's center.
Kim had them digging so they could come up under Fort Knox.
Think Tank Kicks Out fiber Addict
"We couldn't take Abram's fiber farts any longer. He has a good brain and very intelligent, but enough is enough.", says spokesman.
I Am Not Alice Cooper
On his own radio show, Alice Cooper says that Alice is a character I play!
Will Peyton Manning Call It Quits?
Most say no, unless he has another injury or a bad season next year.
NRA: Revolts by citizens are happening everywhere
NRA Anonymous: There's no reason that a people wanting to be free from our own spies can't take them down here.
Christine O'Donnell: I was a victim of the IRS
I never would have thought this country would become another pre-war Germany!
Very Loud Rumblings Being Heard Under Yellowstone....
Bathroom Drones, Should They be Legalized?
The Congressional Ways and Means committee will meet on the matter this week. In private.
STUDY: Half Of Water Taps Test Positive For Bacteria That Causes Legionnaires'.#2
"It's either getting some bottled water or maybe drinking some beer that's imported. But don't drive. Try boiling it. Do something or someone will be playing 'taps' over you.
STUDY: Half Of Water Taps Test Positive For Bacteria That Causes Legionnaires'.
Blondes asking if it's the left one or the right one that has the bad water!
Mexico's Most Wanted Drug Lord 'El Chapo' Captured.
Offer officers twenty million dollars to let him go!
True Facts From Snoops #348
Snoops: Police in Boston say they freed one kid's tongue from a frozen metal pole & then had to help him again to pry a popsicle from his lips after he had immediately took it from freezer to mouth!
True Facts From Snoops #713
Snoops: Howler monkeys often pee on people who are walking under them! Then they howl with laughter.
True Facts From Snoops #488
Snoops: Gorillas cry when they are upset. Like when you walk by and accuse someone of being a big old ugly gorilla in their presence.
True Facts From Snoops #892
Snoops: Ancient Homo Sapiens started with small weapons and worked their way up from rocks to spears in order to hunt and then to knock off the lead guy and take over all the women!
True Facts From Snoops #570
Snoops: Aussies play something called Netball which is similar to basketball except they don't dribble the ball as it's an old ball from a ball & chain on criminals who were sent there from England!
True Facts From Snoops #446
Snoops: Baby Scorpios cannot sting you bu they can run and tell their mothers and you better move right along, Sir!
Biden Reveals "Credible Threat" of Unlabeled Food at local DC Store
Joe Biden says a local food store that has thousands of "Potluck" canned items without labels a threat to buyers! But locals say that's all they can afford. "Eat your Beanie Weenies & shut your trap."
Waves knock 500 containers off ship
"Nothing to worry about", says Captain. "Just some nuclear waste. It'll be absorbed into the ocean. They always are."
2 in USVI Accused of Pretending to Be FBI
They are actually CIA we think, unless they are IRA disguised as in the NSA former CIA. Meanwhile ASCAP accusing all three of using their music while spying & not paying fees, but BMI disagrees.
Governors Now Face Same Woes as Washington
Cannot sneak out fake programs or pocket any money for themselves.
Feds spending $175K to observe swimming abilities of fish
They will hire friends and family to sit and watch aquarium!
Turkey Discusses Greater Powers for Spy Agency
The United States and Russia denounce this as criminal and immoral!
Wrong Native Americans?
It wasn't the Navajo language that the U.S. used in codes during WWII, but the Cherokee. That's according to what the young Cherokee told his girlfriend while parking.
It was in 1889 That It Happened
The Bubble Boy, aged 12, passed away after the bubble burst after visiting kid stuck a hat pin in it.
In 1865, Tennessee adopted a new constitution which included the abolition of slavery.
By using the word "ablution" of slavery, they hoped that the slaves wouldn't catch on till all the crops were in.
In 1862, Jefferson Davis, already the provisional president of the Confederacy, was inaugurated for a six-year term foll
As a child in southern Kentucky, his family often visited the Lincolns living in a log cabin a little ways in northern Kentucky.
On Feb. 22, 1732, the first president of the United States, George Washington, was born
According to a recent discovery, he was born in Kenya while parents were missionaries.
True Facts From Snoops #480
Snoops: A Venus Flytrap will wait till an insect touches at least two if it's small hairs and then close up and eat it, Many a young bug, even though warned by it's parents, died playing "One & Run!"
True Facts From Snoops #606
Snoops: According to science the early man, homo erectus, often looked down on neanderthals and called them "George".
True Facts From Snoops #513
Snoops: Some dinosaurs had feathers. The feathered Brontosaurus never got his 50 tons off the ground for more than 10 feet & wiped out a lot of smaller animals, according to a feather found last year.
True Facts From Snoops #444
Snoops: The Brown Recluse Spider has a violin-shaped marking on it's head but you will probably be dead before you get to see it.
Substitute teacher taped spouting BIZARRE conspiracy theories in high school physics class #3
"UFOs are real. I will bring one to class one day soon for you to meet an alien."
Substitute teacher taped spouting BIZARRE conspiracy theories in high school physics class #2
John Kennedy was killed by some wanting Lyndon Johnson to be President.
Substitute teacher taped spouting BIZARRE conspiracy theories in high school physics class
The American CIA behind the killings of Jim Jones and followers, etc.
Uh-Oh: Giant Squid Sightings Considered an 'Omen' by Japanese Fishermen
"It has been a long time now but Godzilla IS coming! The giant squid always come first."
Americans Upset at Olympics
Dozens of viewers wail, beat their breasts and throw dust up in the air!
Snowden leaks spur new privacy industry.
Goodbye to fresh fruits and vegetables. Wine will be affected also.
Dozens of Dems inch away from Obamacare.
But doing the low crawl so they won't be seen by White House!
Money Stolen By Guv Groups Here Tremendous Amount
Without Government Thieves, we would owe no country anything!
More corruption found in IRS
Here we criticized other countries for their corruption when we had it as bad as they did.
Protesters in Control of Kiev
Protesters Take Control of Kiev. Seize presidential palace. Began making Chicken Kiev!
True Facts From Snoops #820
Snoops: A one-day bold reindeer can outrun you! Why don't you at least walk a little bit to get some of that fat off?
True Facts From Snoops #145
Snoops: According to experts, the difference between early jawed fish and non-jawed fish was the fact that the jawless fish had no jaws!
True Facts From Snoops #232
Snoops: In 2004 an Aussie discovered a new species of humans, throwing off all previous theories, and leading to many paleontologists doing away with themselves after burning all their notes.
True Facts From Snoops #062
Snoops: Neanderthals were short and stocky. Although great hunters, none of the estimated hundreds of thousands could dunk a basketball!
True Facts From Snoops #134
Snoops: Olive trees are a sign of peace in many countries and the sigh or martinis in others!
True Facts From Snoops #187
Snoops: The first person to ever break the sound barrier on a plane was Chuck Yeager in 1947. On the ground it was Johnny Weissmuller, as Tarzan.
Rebekah Brookes cleared of all charges of journalism.
John Kerry Announces Plan for Life After SecState Gig
Kerry revealed today that he will work at the Met Museum in NYC after his term at State. Due to a striking resemblance, Kerry will replace on display the mummy Ahman-Rho, who will
play for the Mets.
Secretary of Defense Hagel Clarifies US Policy on WaterBoarding
Chuck Hagel spoke at The Hague yesterday, articulating the US current policy on waterboarding. "We firmly support being pulled by a speed boat while standing on a surf board and holding a tow rope."
Sochi Tourists discover Samogon....
Explanation for Salvadoran Castaway's Survival....
The U.S. could never have a revolution because no one would quit texting long enough to participate.
Facebook pays a guy $17 Billion for one app...
Man mistakes habanero peppers for jalepeno peppers....
World nominates a tough, Winston Churchill bull-dog kind of man to deal with Kim Jong-un...
COPS: Suspect used icicle to assault victim during home invasion robbery.
Too many people already read mysteries where mystery weapon that disappeared was an icicle!
True Facts From Snoops #982
Snoops: George Washington had trouble with beetles getting into his jar where he kept his wooden teeth at night.
True Facts From Snoops #939
Snoops: Denver Pyle, the late actor's, real name was Gomer Pyle but they had to change it when he was on Andy Griffith as there was a Gomer already. He became "Mr. Darling".
UPDATE: Plan to split California into six states gains ground..
How can it gain ground if it would be the same size as six as it is one?
Tourists eating at Sochi Olympics learn the hard way.....
that Russians use ALL the parts of the hog!
President O'bama in training for St. Patrick's Day....
to get in touch with his Irish roots!
Judges gag at Culinary Olympics!
.....tasting Rocky Mountain oyster souffle.
Tuna Noodle Casserole Wins Best of Show at Culinary Olympics!
....no winter this summer!