Spoof news snippets from Friday 21 February 2014
Think Takes Demand More Females!
In order to avoid distractions, most Think Tanks are either Male or Female but now each are demanding a week off a month to refresh themselves!
The Mascot Did What?
An NBA mascot has been fired after allegedly molesting two cheerleaders and a hot dog vendor.
Kate Gosselin and Her Ex-Husband
Kate Gosselin says she is writing a tell-all book about ex-husband Jon Gosselin titled, The Truth About That Korean Punk, Jon Gosselin, Not Kim Jong Un.
A Hair Raising Trade Off
Scientists in Norway claim that they have discovered a pill that restores a full head of a hair to completely bald men; but unfortunately it also causes the growth of an extra ear.
A Gossiper's Dream
The female cricket can hear other female crickets chirping as far away as 3 miles.
Justin Bieber Has At Least One Fan Left
Nadya Suleman, better known as Octomom, says that she would like to adopt Justin Bieber.
True Facts From Snoops #707
The lowest temperature ever recorded in the United States was 269 below zero, in a laboratory in Maine.
True Facts From Snoops #808
Since 1960, over 50,000 sheriff's deputies have been called "Barney Fife!"
True Facts From Snoops #916
Snoops: People that knew him say Saddam Hussein did a really great take-off on Groucho Marx, "Say the secret code and you lose your head!"
Tornadoes, strong thunderstorms threaten East Coast
"Crazy weather", say many on the coast. "We still have snow and now there might be a tornado!"
Seeking a Break in a 252 Million-Year-Old Mass Killing
A Geologist Investigates a Mass Extinction at the End of the Permian Period now believes, "It was the Butler!"
Obama meets Dalai Lama, defies China #2
Dalai Lama tells the President he knows how it feels to be a lame duck. "I was a lame duck in a previous incarnation."
Obama meets Dalai Lama, defies China
President may be nominated for Nobel Peace Prize again!
Tornado Watch in Mid-Atlantic
will they call it a snowado?!
HIGH TIMES: Tax revenue from pot in CO exceeds expectations.
But call us back again after we come back down. We might have missed something.
Michelle O Defends Obamacare: 'Young People Are Knuckleheads'.
Well calling them Knuckleheads will sure win you a lot of support.
OBAMAVILLE homeless camp springs up in Baltimore.
Like Obamacare, President might be delighted that a whole place named after him!
Missing Pacific Tsunami Debris Mountain Explained.....
Dalai Lama calls for 'happier decade!"
"Go on a short trip to Colorado or Washington!"
Scientists discover 'violence gene'.
It was hid in the corner and attacks anyone who gets close to it!
'Pompeii' erupts with cliches!
On 'Pompeii' erupts with cliches: Volcano ash "He who smelt it dealt it!" "Is it hot in here or is it me?".
13-year-old boy charged with felony for throwing snowball at cop.
"It was an Iceball", claims outraged officer. An Iceball!"
Freak storms threaten East Coast!
Officials inform everyone that these are not Zombies, they are just plain old freaks!
True Facts From Snoops #880
Snoops: Eating any part of the monkshood plant can be fatal. Even pointing one out can kill you if you stay very long. So just step aside quietly and that way no one will get hurt.
True Facts From Snoops #206
Snoops: Balsa trees bloom only at night, and their inch-deep nectar attracts bats, birds, kinkajous, opossums and monkeys.
True Facts From Snoops #620
Snoops: Aerophobia is the fear of flying. Always ask if the person you are sitting by on a plane if they have this before take-off or you'll be sorry even before you leave the ground.
True Facts From Snoops #130
Snoops: There are more kangaroos in Australia than there are people, a fact that should never reach the ears of the kangaroo!
True Facts From Snoops #998
Snoops: Some of the huge Dinosaurs that once ruled the earth killed out smaller species during rough breeding periods and stomping every dino below!
Easiest Way to go to Simple Living
Move into third world countries or on reservations out west.
United States Pays Off 17 Trillion Debt.
Takes a reverse mortgage. We get to live in our country another 25 years and then will be split up by others.
U.S. Lowers Interest Rate
Now rate of interest we owe other countries lowered to .001%.
"This should help us recover but they won't be happy about it!", says Bernanke.
Michael Moore: Only one cure for all the Riots!
"What we need is a swarm of UFOs to attack and then we'd have to pull together. I'm planning a documentary as soon as a UFO spotted."
Fewer shark attacks but deadlier
No more "bump and run", from now on they're serious.
Winter Olympics: American wins gold in women's ski half pint!
I'm sorry, that should be: Winter Olympics: American wins gold in women's ski halfpipe!
Ukraine leader offers concessions in wake of deadly violence
Free drinks and hot dogs from our stands if you'll stop rioting for awhile.
150 Treated for Gunshot Wounds in South Sudan
Sudan wants everyone to know that they are still fighting there too. Not all that easy to keep count these days.
Ukraine: Opposition Agrees to Deal With President
Just allow is five minutes with him alone and we;ll deal with him!
Surveillance Planes having trouble!
There are now so many that they are blocking the view of other Surveillance Planes!
True Facts From Snoops #512
Snoops: Originally on Jeopardy the answers had to be formed in a question, but with the contestants using a hand puppet and a different voice.
True Facts From Snoops #033
Snoops: Some dinosaurs like the Dromaeosaurs walked on long back legs and had small front legs and only used them to clap and celebrate when he downed a good dinner!
True Facts From Snoops #412
Snoops: The Platypus Dinosaurus was ten stories tall and lived on everything else. Many believe this was ancestor to Godzilla.
True Facts From Snoops #411
Snoops: The Spinosaurus was 49 feet long and weighed 6 tons, according to any eyeball some kids were playing with last year that were paid good money for it by a scientist. Kids out digging again.
True Facts From Snoops #145
Snoops: Hawaiian legends tell of a large King and Queen shark who ruled the sharks of the sea. Either that or they new something pretty bad about other shark leaders & threatened to tell.
True Facts From Snoops #614
Snoops: The first human beings were Homo Sapiens. They lived in Africa. We know this from hand-me-down stories still told around campfires at night.
This State Bumps Hawaii as Happiest Place to Live #2
It's North Dakota with all it's snow and cold. "We're just so happy to still be alive", says one citizen!
This State Bumps Hawaii as Happiest Place to Live
It's North Dakota and their ton of snow and cold. I say it's Colorado and Washington!
China urges Obama to cancel meeting with Dalai Lama
He'll mess with you head until you don't know what you are doing. Remember, we have your money.
Kim Kardashian says she's had no hip implants!
"I wish everybody would just get off my a**!"
Hugo Chavez's Daughters Turn Presidential Palace into Party Pad
Chips off the old blockhead?
The FCC Wades Into the Newsroom
To make sure nothing is printed against the administration? Another freedom lost. Government control out of control.
Bedouins Being Recruited....
...by U.S. government to help American citizens cope with drought!
Berkshire Hathaway Acquires Facebook in Mega Deal
Omaha- Warren Buffett, hearing of the Facebook/SI deal, moved quickly to buy all FB shares. Buffett's press release: "No one, I repeat, no one acquires a bigger/sexier harem than mine! F*ck Zuck!"
Facebook Acquires Sports Illustrated Models in Mega Deal
Zuckerberg struck deal with SI bigs to own all Swim Suit models in perpetuity. Zuck wanted sole rights to bare them on Facebook to revive 15-90 old male site hits.Oh, the harem at home bit works too.
Obama Hires New Contractor to Handle Crises
WH announced Frank Underwood from the television documentary "House of Cards" was put in charge of resolving IRS, Benghazi, and Obamacare matters. In response House Oversight Comm hired Iron Man.
Comedy as a form of control
Drivers using the M1 motorway north of London have been advised that a comedian has taken possession of the south bound lane and is insisting drivers laugh at his jokes before letting them proceed.
Bones of D.B. Cooper, Famous Hi-jacker Found
in Big Foot cave in Washington forest.
United Nation grounds Kim Jong-un
but he sneaks out the window....
No Ronnies At All show being recorded for Christmas
The BBC has paid millions to prevent last year's glut of "Ronnies" shows. Ronnies have been paid not to take part in a one off Ronnieless spectacular called "The no Ronnies at all Show".
Kerry calls global warming skeptics "Flat Earthers"
Sec of State calls man made global warming doubters "Flat Earthers". Claims 97% of scientist can't be wrong on man made warming, ignoring the fact 100% of scientist once thought the earth was flat.
Silence Gun: Strange weapon of the future immediately quiets you.
Come to think of it, those old peacemakers out west did the same thing. No one could say a word.
Sports Bar Chain Agrees to Pay $6.8 Million for Violating Wage Laws
But they weren't good sports about it!
NYC mayor's vehicles flout laws, days after traffic safety plan unveiled
Man shouting "Citizen's Arrest!" quickly tasered and beaten with clubs.
American Meat Plants Said to Face Shortages of Inspectors
Sounds suspicious to me. When did these inspectors disappear and exactly where did the meat go?
Road salt suppliers pinched by The Man!
I'm sorry, that should be: Road salt suppliers pinched by demand!
Shortest Leprechaun found.....
in the longest named place in Ireland: Muckanaghederdauhaulia!