Spoof news snippets from Sunday 2 February 2014
Detroit police chief: Armed citizens can make city safer
You have a right to defend you and your family until we get there.
US Shows Strong Support For High School Ed
Stadiums across America are filled on Friday nights and the spotlight is on star football athletes.
"Custer's Last Stand" Re-enactors Defeated Again
"We're really getting tired of this", said "Corporal" Joe Macleary of the U.S. Cavalry group. "I mean, we know how it turns out so do they really have to rub it in each year?"
Dolly's Jolly 'bout Dollyworld's Lollies
Smoky, TN - Dolly Pardon's wigglin' fer joy 'bout her latest treat confection for Dollyworld. Dolly: "They's a dual-orbed creamy lollipop with a candy cherry on each tip. Gud fer lickin and suckin!"
True Facts From Snoops #194
According to Snoops: The loudest animals while breeding are the porcupines.
Larry the Cable Guy Nixes Tofu Stealth Attack
Comic/entrepreneur Larry the Cable Guy has defeated a plot by Vegans to replace meat with tofu at his signature Corn Dogs A'Howlin franchises in the Bay area. "Dem curd huggers tried to bean my dogs!"
True Facts From Snoops #738
According to Snoops: A U.S. study just finished this week, revealed that less than 10% of mothers backs get broken when you step on a crack. That's an old wives tail.
True Facts From Snoops #886
According to Snoops: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you melons, make a deal with a wealthy older man.
True Facts From Snoops #339
According to Snoops: Flying squirrels do not fly but glide through the air. Also, their favorite companions are the moose.
Some Teachers Say Columbus Didn't Discover America
"When he got here there were people already here. They discovered native Americans. When you ask them when they got here, each tribe has a different story."
81-year-old Fla. woman arrested, held without bond for feeding bears
It's about time law enforcement in this country got serious for a change.
Both Groundhogs Predict 6 More Weeks of Winter, Maybe More!
De Blasio: "Live by the groundhog. Die by the groundhog," declared the mayor after dropping Staten Island Chuck. We'll know later if hogs have increased winter length after fall.
New Swedish Action Movie Coming Out in Spring
It's titled "Olaf's Big Mountain Adventure" and it stars Harrison Fjord!
Scientists indicate that Oreo cookies are the most addictive snack in the world.
Or at least that's what the press thinks he said. With all the cookie crumbs falling from his mouth it was hard to tell. Also, they gained 25-40 pounds each during study. (give me one too)
Historic Drought Has West Fearing Worst.
And de Blasio goes and drops the groundhog. That could be the tipping point.
Israeli Leaders Slam Kerry over Boycott 'Warning'
President Obama needs to get him back here before he has the whole world angry with us. With the size of that head, he's making a big target of himself from Iran to Israel.
Mayor Bill de Blasio Drops Staten Island Chuck #2
If this gets back to Phil and the others, there won't be a summer! The rest of us had nothing to do with this, guys.
Iranian commander: We have targets within America.
Who came up with this great news item from Drudge? We were shocked that Iran has targets here. Ahmadinejad was such a pussycat and loved the U.S. Times change I guess.
De Blasio drops groundhog.
Brings down curse on himself, his family and the whole city!
Burghouring Wombats are hard workers
The Burghouring Wombat digs as much as three feet of dirt in a single night. Although kept secret for a long time, these fellows have been working for funeral homes for years.
Punxsutawney Phil Says Six More Weeks of Winter
Don't let Punxsutawney Phil back in that hole. Make him stay out in the weather like the rest of us.
True Facts From Snoops #665
According to Snoops: Before it was changed later on, people in Texas used to say, "Remember the Old Mission!".
True Facts From Snoops #605
According to Snoops: Friends of comedian Joan Rivers say that she still gets pissed when anyone around her sings "Wo-Man Rivers"
True Facts From Snoops #195
According to Snoops: Women astronauts told Houston that men still didn't close commode lid and strange things were constantly floating around the cabin.
True Facts From Snoops #161
According to Snoops: Daniel Boone killed nearly a hundred "bars" during his long life and also, nearly one hundred trees, carving that fact in their bark.
True Facts From Snoops #196
According to Snoops: Many castles were once home to kings, queens, families, serfs, workers, shopkeepers, etc. Their main source of food, according to their dug-up trash, were small square burgers.
Biden Hanging Out!
Last week, Vice President Joe Biden hung out with a group smoking pot in Colorado. You can get a bad reputation doing that. So the smokers hid their faces during some snapshots.
O.J. Trying To Prove He's Kardashian Dad! #2
"Here, look at my rear end with this dress on? See. I'm her dad. The dress? I wear those all the time now."
O.J. Trying To Prove He's Kardashian Dad!
O.J. Simpson is still claiming that one of the Kardashian gals is his daughter. To prove it, he mooned us. "Look familiar?"
Obama State of The Union Address
Obama insists we are still creating jobs. But he didn't say where. All those top leaders in al Qaeda and the Taliban had to be replaced. Especially the number twos. So there is one of the ways.
FOX news station off most cables
The Fox News channel has been removed from cable. Replaced by White House Puppet Show.
Peanut Butter & Jelly For School Kids
In order to come up with enough peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to feed 30,000 kids, you would need to grow a full acre of peanuts and a half acre of jelly. Then there's the matter of the bread.
Forecasters warn of further storms
One of these days, it will come an even bigger storm. We just don't know where or when.
Egypt satirist returns to TV at a touchy time
"Now you take my life.... please", Rodney Dangerfield joke not a good selection as a good opening.
True Facts From Snoops #445
According to Snoops: The most famous peanut farmers are former President Jimmy Carter, George Washington Carver and Peter Pan.
True Facts From Snoops #914
According to Snoops: One legend of the Tower of London is that a ghostly bear once appeared to a guard there and scared him so bad he got the runs and died from dehydration.
True Facts From Snoops #665
According to Snoops: A young 11-year-old girl wrote to Abraham Lincoln that his face would look better with a beard. So he grew one and sent a "Thank you" letter.
True Facts From Snoops #732
According to Snoops: It takes one whole stick of butter to make a regular-sized jar of peanut butter.
Punxsutawney Phil Predicts Denver in Upset
Wooly worms write out more bad weather, Seattle by a touchdown!
Punxsutawney Phil Predicts More Winter
Guy from Atlanta arrested after attempted assassination of Phil.
Justin Bieber offered free flight to get him out of Canada
"Don't do away mad, Justin Bieber. Just go away!"
Weather service debunks rumors of giant snowstorm
Blames Atlanta office as "they are still in shock over last weeks 2-inch snowfall!
Police officer hacks off woman's head, gets fired (with video)
Sorry. Should have read: Police officer hacks off woman's hair, gets fired (with video).
Handlers: Punxsutawney Phil predicts longer winter
However, rank and file groundhogs not quite as pessimistic.
Justin Bieber Into More Trouble
Killed 25 deer way over limit. Used machine gun and hand grenades.
Super Security Takes Over Super Bowl!
NRA agents loaning guns to everyone in attendance in case of terrorist attack.
What a whopper!!
Police Officer Seizes 15-Inch Knife From Stairwell.....a Met spokesman said they are on the lookout for a tall gentleman with an Australian accent!
Serious Threat to Nation's Pill bugs
Lack of water in the west hasn't produced sufficient grass to act as an anchor for pill bugs. Buffeted by strong winds across flat, arid landscapes, millions of pill bugs may potentially pile up.
Mexico Makes Bid for Dangerous Olympics
Envying Russia's current moniker as "most dangerous" Olympics, Mexico plans to make a bid for the 2024 Olympics. Tokyo, Japan holds the honor for 2020, with votes surpassing safer Istanbul and Madrid.
Governor Christie to Relocate Presidential Campaign
Christie announced that in light of public outrage over the G.W. Bridge closing, he'll relocate his campaign to Lake Havasu, Arizona, where there is the more posh London Bridge with much nicer folks.
U.S. Touts International Swap Meet in Lieu of Trade Agreements
The first U.S. sponsored International Swap Meet will be held at Lake Havasu, Arizona this March. The U.S. Army, Navy, Air Force and Marine Corp expect to produce the highest sales volume at the meet.
International Squirrel Population Takes Hit
The World Wildlife Fund has reported a severe decline in the world's squirrel population since the the airing of Duck Dynasty. Record requests for Miss Kay's squirrel stew recipe hastens their demise.
Streets Empty of Vehicles as Super Bowl Rages
Nation's pedestrians and cyclists are finally safe on the streets during this one day of the year.
Tattoos Become Declasse in Wake of New Body Fashion
Body embroidery shops, called "Threads", are opening all over London's West End. Older ladies, taught embroidery in the 40's, are being offered big moolah to work as E.B.A.s (Embroidery Body Artists).
New Breakup Site Hits the Internet
"Disengage", the newest breakup site since Facebook's "unfriend" feature, is heating up the internet just in time for Valentine's Day. Aficionados report that breaking up has never been so much fun!
Bigfoot Expresses Disappointment in T.V. Show Results
As Season 4 of Finding Bigfoot airs on Animal Planet, sources closest to Bigfoot reveal his disappointment that the investigators haven't actually found him yet despite numerous attempts to be found.