Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 19 February 2014
Antarctic Ice Cap Increases at Record Rate
Tweet from MSNBC correspondent Rachel Madow Penguin -- What the F happened? Didn't South Pole get the Kerry memo on climate change? Damn ice not getting with an ideological article of faith! #Pissed!
DHS cancels national license plate tracking plan
After viewing Special Plates like "ASSMAN!" and "KISSIT".
Chinese Shoot Another Escaping Prisoner
"Some how, I don't know, they are able to get out of our Chinese handcuffs...especially the enemies of the state', says jailer.
True Facts From Snoops #337
Snoops: In most pasta sauce factories, an explosion causes it's workers are not nearly as hurt than they actually seem at first.
True Facts From Snoops #504
Snoops: Frogs pissing on you does not cause warts. That is silly. Warts come from an old witch that takes a disliking to you.
True Facts From Snoops #991
The average man will lose 10% of the heat of their body through their uncovered heads. However, some men like John Kerry and the late Senator Kennedy, 20%!
True Facts From Snoops #991
Snoops: Our nearest planet neighbor is Mars. According to Professor Ernest T. Bass, it is located somewhere past Old Man Kelsey's Woods.
Little of Federal Horse Budget Spent on Fertility
Horses? Fertility? I think they have all gone mad in the nation's capital of Washington! Treacle!
Historians Say Both Men & Women In Ancient wore Make-Up!
Also that there were many domestic fights over a new brand of eye shadow! Kind of like our day's Alice Cooper, I guess.
Thomas Alva Edison patents the phonograph, 1878
Then shows everyone how to do The Twist! "Round & round, the cylinder goes again!"
On This Date: In 1847!
Rescuers finally reach Donner Party, can't understand why several missing and others so fat.
True Facts From Snoops #812
Snoops: Corn is the number one crop that is grown in America except for Washington and Colorado!
True Facts From Snoops #267
Snoops: Coulrophobia is the fear of clowns according to psychiatrists. So if someone you know has this, I wouldn't be clowning around as they take this stuff seriously!
True Facts From Snoops #154
Snoops: Fire ants are now being investigated as the cause of spontaneous Combustion in humans. Several biting fire ants and you flame up and explode!
Analysis: Congress chooses easy way out on military cuts
Also, on debt ceiling, taxes, ObamaCare rules, everything else!
Retirement Account Winners and Losers
"We cannot say for sure because it changes from day to day as ObamaCare apparently still being written after approval."
Uganda vows to defend 'morals' with anti-gay law.
Uganda defending morals? I think your Idi Amin was good at that also.
NSA official charged in beating death of 3-year-old son.
And these are the people watching out for us?
California Cattle Leave for Texas.
First we drove them west and now we drive them east! Cattle need the water I guess.
Blackburn to Obama: Stop funding green firms that benefit Chinese investors!
How are we going to keep them from investing in the U.S., when they have almost as many of our dollars as we do?
Ronan Farrow Wants Fans to Get 'Inappropriately Excited' Over New MSNBC Show.
What does he want us to do, fill our pants?
Video Catches Manager Caught Urinating In Kitchen Sink.
"I was just trying to let a certain someone that I had something special...that and a change of jobs I see."
True Facts From Snoops #112
Snoops: A duck, a sheep and a rooster were the first passengers on the first balloon flight. Actually, the rooster flew off at ten feet & ran home but he still qualifies since it had left the ground.
True Facts From Snoops #144
Snoops: Baby camels are born without a hump. It doesn't get its hump until it reaches puberty.
True Facts From Snoops #832
Snoops: Spiders are Arachnids. Same as scorpions, mites and ticks. Hard to chose which one is my favorite. Yours?
True Facts From Snoops #720
Snoops: An airplane has an "elevator" on its tail to allow the plane to go up or down. Do not try to get on that elevator.
True Facts From Snoops #405
Scoops: Lightning can travel through phone lines. That's why, should someone ring you during a storm, don't answer. It might just be that old lightning!
Navy Official: China Training For War With Japan.
United States may have already sold Japan weapons enough to defend themselves.
CLAIM: PANDORA music service knows if you're Dem Or Republican by songs.
They may be right. Most Republicans never listen to their music service. They're into Radio Talk Shows!
101-Year-Old Man Announces Campaign For Congress.
"I have more experience and seen a lot more of life than anyone else running, you can't deny me that."
The Government Have It Wrong
According to reports on the Evening News, the more people can work at home the more fuel we save. Wrong! Most workers say they would hurry work and head out to shop or visit.
Montgomery Nurse Leaves Career
"This was once an honorable and dedicated profession but as my mom always stated, plenty of jobs for "pencil pushers".
Health Law's Impact Has Only Begun. #2
There seems to be more job openings in the record-keeping than for those who are trying to help people be well.
Health Law's Impact Has Only Begun.
Doctors, Specialists looking around for other careers, countries.
Fourth Georgia hospital closes due to Obamacare payment cuts.
Election promises never seem to work out well, do they?
Woody Allen to Start Celebrity Day-Care Center
In breaking news, Woody Allen has announced that he will be starting a day-care center catering to celebrity children. Mr. Allen will be in charge of selecting and watching the chosen kids.
New Scottish currency confirmed as the giro
more soon, as they get it...
Blair Steps In
Secret Memo To Bank of England Revealed
Get wages up and inflation down for the next election - then you can keep your job.
Judge Deed Arrested
TV drama has Deed arrested for Terrorism offences for failing to be realistic.
Homer Simpson Named as New Ambassador
Washington: Obama gave the nod to Homer Simpson as new ambassador to Denmark. "I know that Homer has never been there, but he certainly is an expert on Danish pastries," stated the President. Doh!!!
Waxy Rep Bieber A Hit Among Aspen Stoners
Aspen: The recently escaped wax replica of Justin Bieber gave a boffo performance to a group of stoned fans here. "Just hummed in slow motion and provided a lot of munchies-they were bonged, Dude."
True Facts From Snoops #556
The Book of the Dead has never been read. If anyone only takes a glimpse, they'll die before they can tell you anything.
True Facts From Snoops #503
Snoops: When threatened, the European common toad stands on its tiptoes to appear larger. The same ploy was once used by Napoleon!
True Facts From Snoops #854
Snoops: Some areas on Mars are so flat that you can stand beside your spaceship and look in the distance and you will see the back of the ship and the back your head!
True Facts From Snoops #341
Snoops: If you are stuck in the woods and cold, you can make a small fire with the battery of a cell phone, a little dry grass, some sticks and a match. But, why not call someone on the cell phone?
True Facts From Snoops #648
Snoops: While ostriches cannot fly, they can run fast enough to temporarily leave the ground two feet in the air!
How I Went from $50K in Credit Card Debt to $50K in Savings
Ad: You too can hack your bank and reverse debts to savings!
The myths of marijuana: Former DEA chief says pot legalization a 'disaster'
"Long term effect may leave you on a permanent pot view of everything, which is distorted."
McDonald's employee fired after she paid to feed first responders
Anonymous fireman: If a McDonalds here catches fire, I vote we let it burn!
US, Mexico mull relaxing border for 'trusted' business travelers.
Several new cocaine for marijuana trades being proposed!
Satanist dismisses claims of accused CRAIGSLIST killer.
And you can always depend on the word of the "Father of Lies"!
HOT POCKETS Recalled Over 'Diseased And Unsound Animal' Contents.
"Gimmee Three Steps!" towards the bathroom and you won't see me eating any more.
WIRE: Worsening Divorce Rate Points to Improving Economy.
Does this mean that the economy improves when couples divorce? Do gay marriages lead to bad economy?
Arctic-Dwelling Snowy Owls Spread To 25 States.
And boy are they happy to have a bigger area to live in! "Call us Snowbirds", one hoots.
Rowling Writes New Book
J.K.Rowling has written a new book to be released in September 2016. Editor has yet to be announced.
Google Street View Vehicle Accidentally Runs Over Last Surviving Member Endangered Species
Ivory Billed Woodpecker was run over accidentally in Florida by street view vehicle. "Sorry" says Google "won't happen again."
Emerald Isle in the Red
The national debt piles up in Ireland, making them think of a name change.
"Wee Man" From Jackass Movie Mistaken for Leprechaun
The little guy was accosted by a passersby and severely beaten before he was able to make it clear that he didn't know the location of any "pot 'o'gold".
Doo-Wop Band Cited for Infringment of Italian Rights
Funny nobody noticed it in the Fifties. But then everybody was biased back then.
Snow in Boston, Climate Unchanged So Far This Winter
Scientists are using special laser instruments to determine if this year's snowfall is different than one hundred years ago when scientists used classroom rulers to determine snowfall.
Hollywood Starlet Does Something
News agencies are pretty sure that somewhere a young famous woman from either television or the movie industry is behaving in a way that will get in the news.
North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-un....
world's youngest dictator......world's oldest teenager.
What is worse than frozen garbage piling up in New York City?
thawing garbage piling up in New York City!
What is worse than garbage piling up in New York City?
frozen garbage piling up in New York City!
House of Commons Dissolves into Limerick Fest
Important votes and committees were held up for hours today as the UK politicos became mired in an all-out rhyming war.
"What rhymes with Nantucket?" MP Sanjay Halliburton asked a bystander.
Leprechaun Killed on the A5
"They're fast, but not fast enough to try to run across during rush-hour!" quipped Surrey highway worker, Clive Bittlesbottom. Bittlesbottom had brought along his snow shovel to do some wee scooping.
Psoriasis Deemed Hardest Disease Name to Recover From
Although modern medical science has achieved major breakthroughs with the skin malady, most feel that its name causes too much suffering.
"Kiss Me I'm Irish" Banned from Ugly "Fratboy" T-shirts
"Only good looking and hopefully also Irish college students will be allowed to use the term", said Punter O'Callahan, Ireland's official terminology chief. "We've also forbade people saying "Lassie".
New Convenience Store Chain Opens in Colorado....
called "24-7: Your One Stop Pot Shop"
In 1930, photographic evidence of Pluto (now designated a "dwarf planet") was discovered by Clyde W. Tombaugh
Incidentally Clyde W. Tombaugh himself was a dwarf!
On this day in history
The California Supreme Court struck down and killed the state's death penalty.
100% of the World's Humans....
are genetically related!
Asteroid zips by Earth in close call
A little late on that one, Sport. Oh, you probably didn't want to worry us.
Nun, 84, Gets Three Years Jail for Nuke Complex Break-In
"I thought that if I suddenly could glow at night, they might give me Sainthood!"
True Facts From Snoops #610
According to Snoops: Strings of dried apples were found with the 4500-year old Queen of Ur in Iraq. Actually, because of the dry climate, she pretty much looked like an Apple-Head Doll herself.
True Facts From Snoops #714
According to Snoops: Morning Glory flowers open up in the mornings sun but close when the sun sets. You'd think they would be called an Evening Glory by then, but you'd be wrong.
True Facts From Snoops #403
According to Snoops: Female barn swallows are attracted to the beautiful tail of the male, where it's exactly the opposite of humans.
True Facts From Snoops #613
According to Snoops: More than 50,000 songs have the word "Heart" in them, usually love songs instead about the organ itself, as they are pretty gross actually.
True Facts From Snoops #092
According to Snoops: UFO sightings have long been linked to AREA 51 in Nevada. But most scientists and aliens deny they have ever been near there.
True Facts From Snoops #176
According to Snoops: Peregrine falcons can fly 117 Miles Per Hour and stop on a Mime!
AT&T Claims Surveillance on 35,000 User Accounts.
Is there any public company that is not spying on Americans, I thank you.