Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 18 February 2014
Survey of General American Intelligence Reveals Interesting Results
Some amazing historical perspectives revealed by survey: Tocqueville wrote the US Constitution under the direction of Jefferson; Lincoln was the illegitimate son of Henry Clay; and Grant won WW II!
'Naked Dating' Reality Show Gets Greenlight.#2
Ed Sullivan Spinning in His Grave! "From the shoulders up!!"
Death Toll Rising in Violent Clashes.
Where is this taking place? You name it! It's 50/50 it's going on there!
Cat Parasite Found In Arctic Beluga Whales....
...so that's why so many stray cats have been disappearing!
Bad Kimchee blamed.....
for North Korean leader Kim Jong-un.
a certain retired basketball player who visited North Korea in January....
should never have attended a certain formerly famous actress's School of International Diplomacy and Exercise Class.
New York City Experiencing Major Shortage....
of snow boots - ask rest of the country to send boots quick, but must be fashionable black!
Portlandians heading to Colorado....
for colonization purposes....
New Problem For Clegg
He hasn't got a leg to stand on.
Kerry Makes a Surprise Visit to Tunisia
"I thought we were going to Sri Lanka. Well, tell Sri Lanka we'll catch them on the flip side!"
Venezuela Opposition Leader Arrested
His car meter ran out and he was going 2 miles over the speed limit. A born criminal, says Newspapers that are still publishing.
Silver Down A Quarter
Many selling silver and putting their money into Twinkies!
Bono To Do Benefit for Fat People
My own grandmama weighed in at over 350 pounds. Still, she kept up her work at the bakery.
Only One Thing Bad About Las Vegas
It's those guys trying to sell you a timeshare. I see one coming I head for the bathroom to hide. (Excuse me Sir, but may I interrupt you while you're on the can!)
World watches as dictator terrorizes his own country...
sound vaguely familiar?
Polar Bear Plunge Folks Rescheduling Again....
...no way are they jumping into frigid waters while the temperatures are frigid, too!
Mika boycotts Russia on his new tour
Mika will not be touring in Russia. "I've heard it's illegal in Russia to promote right gays," he said. "Elton John's not going either."
True Facts From Snoops #806
According to Snoops: The Queen of the Andes Plant blooms only once in eighty years. Considering our average age, males will never see one in their lifetimes.
True Facts From Snoops #627
According to Snoops: A group of scientists have created a website asking aliens to send an e-mail. Thus far, they have only received hundreds of moneymaking opportunities from Nigeria.
True Facts From Snoops #608
According to Snoops: "Hairy Woodpeckers" are the subject of many jokes in any Stand-Up Bird Comedy!
True Facts From Snoops #339
According to Snoops: To find food, Hairy Woodpeckers tap trees and then listen for movement inside. Sort of like a burglar opening a combination lock at the bank.
True Facts From Snoops #183
According to Snoops: One in Four Americans believe the earth has been visited by aliens. However only one in ten say they have talked to one.
Owners of a house in Ripon, Yorkshire, under which a large sinkhole has appeared have called in experts Jack O'Neill and the Stargate team to sort it.
Police: Looked like Karate Moves to Me!
Police Beat, Use Stun Gun On Deaf Man After Confusing Sign Language With Threatening Gestures.
Feds adding new regulation -- every 3 hours.
We'll all have to go back to school and learn what we are expected to do, what to say, how to have sex.
Stress hormone linked to financial crisis.
Financial crisis linked to Washington!
Lawmakers pushes to close 'scream rooms' in schools.
Both students and teachers can run in there and throw a fit! How about adding a punching bag?
Fraudster fakes superhuman powers to rob victims.
Claims he's The Flash! Uses twin brother after running around corner at superspeed!
'Naked Dating' Reality Show Gets Greenlight.
Shouldn't they have to get a Red Light?
SHOCK POLL: 71% of Obama supporters 'regret' voting for his reelection.
Then they would probably regret voting for him if he could run a third time but vote for him anyway.
News Senators Booker, Menendez Urge Feds To Rush Delivery Of Road Salt
"We Tell You When or If You Will Get Salt: HOME Security!
PAPER: 'Is it time to join the 'preppers'? How to survive climate-change apocalypse'...
Like the guy who told Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate: Plastic! Mine is "Twinkies!"
China winning the most internet users contest...
with 600 million.....the U.S. way behind with only 254 million!
Might as well use it
The government has decided to make use of the flooding in the Somerset Levels. "We're going to grow rice," said Eric Pickles.
Wow, 111 Million Viewers Watched the Super Bowl...
but, WOWEE, more than 700 million viewers watched China's Lunar New Year program - 4 hours of commercial free entertainment!
In 2013, 33,559,990 people played fantasy sports in the USA
20% of them were women - move over on the couch, men, here come the gals!
Egyptian Tourism Down
...might have something to do with being blown up!
Super Volcano Beneath Yellowstone Twice as Huge as Anyone Thought
Asteroid zips by Earth in close call
Where were all the defense weapons we have been talking about? Are all out telescopes aimed at each other.
Flight turbulence injures five
Flier apologizes: "I used computer while on the john and forgot to log off. I cleaned up as soon as i could get back in."
True Facts From Snoops #155
According to Snoops: A shark cage is the only good way to get a decent photo of a shark. Many new employees misunderstand this fact and are eaten alive while trying to herd the shark into the cage.
True Facts From Snoops #214
According to Snoops: The human heart weighs about half a pound and is shaped like a fist. That's why perfectionists make their own Valentines.
True Facts From Snoops #741
According to Snoops: The average Facebook user has 130 friends, most of whom they wouldn't recognize if they met them face to face at the store. Although they might frown and think about it.
True Facts From Snoops #566
According to Snoops: The Stoogasaurus was 30 feet long but had a brain the size of a walnut. It used it's two toes on it's front feet to poke enemy in the eyes and ate them while they were blinded!
The International Space Station has one less capsule and a lot less trash!
"That was a good idea", says Houston. "Instead of dumping trash outside station, just place the trash in returning shuttle. Those Think Tanks are great!"
LeBron: 'At this point, I can't' see leaving Miami!
Lebron stays with Miami! And our other leading story, World War Three is now in it's third week.
Why Chicken Crossed The Road!
"I don't know about the others but I'm tired of dancing on those hot floor", says one. "I'm going off the grid!"
UPDATE: National license plate database sparks privacy fears.
What privacy? They check our e-mails, Facebook friends, mail and cellphone records now.
Boston Blanketed By Snow For 9th Time In 16 Days.
Mayor: I hate that term "blanketed". Sounds like we're all snoozing away under our blankets...and three feet of snow!"
Fast-Moving Storm Creates Whiteout Conditions in Chicago #2
Chicago Mayor: "Whoever out there who may be somewhere near Al Gore or Michael Moore, please go over and kick their ass, ever if there's a waiting line!"
Fast-Moving Storm Creates Whiteout Conditions in Chicago.
"This hasn't happened in our fair city since uh last week and the week before", says Mator.
.."One is amused...not!"
Her Maj, the Queen meets Dame Helen Mirren at Buck House soiree. Phil the Greek gets confused and asks her,"where the bloody hell did I leave my feckin' teeth last night?"
Poundland To Float On London Stock Exchange
When asked about the proposed share price a Poundland spokesman gave an exasperated gasp, shook his head and walked away, as if the BBC interviewer was a complete idiot.
Unemployment Soars in Colorado...
....as workers too busy growing their private pot stashes at home.
"Miracle Gro" plant food sales....
explode in Colorado!
Punxsutawney Phil has moved to Florida....
Mormons Strive to Ignore Weird Origin
"If they didn't want us to know, why put it on the web?" asked one missionary.
Kerry Shown on Map Where Indonesia was!
"I just hope it hasn't moved before we get there." "Not unless a volcano blows", stated DC car attendant.
Chicago goes to war with Asian carp
Plan to release several sharks into the waters of the Great Lakes. If this works, they will release more around the lakes from Superior Wisconsin & Duluth, Minnesota. "Water froze now", stated warden.
Wife saves husband
"He's a magician & was practicing in a mirror when he suddenly flapped arms, went 'pock poooock' & was running across road in front of truck when I clapped. He doesn't know why he crossed the road."
Group too brutal even for al Qaeda
A dozen countries are fighting each other and their own people. Prelude to WWII was the same. Do we let it happen again?
U.N. report: North Korean atrocities similar to Nazi era
Why is this being ignored by the United Nations? These are human beings. Is there a PETA for us? At least they have sent out a report but action needed.
Returning Soldiers Need Help
Soldiers returning from the Middle East are having to be deprogrammed before going back to families. "For one thing I have this constant ringing in my ears." is the most common ailment.