Spoof news snippets from Monday 17 February 2014
10 ft. alligator found in New York sewer....
it must have escaped from some zoo, say authorities, as everyone knows that "alligators in the sewer" story is a myth!
Fifty Years Too Late
That guy that told Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate that "plastics" was the future sure knew what he was talking about. Wish I'd listened.
Gore Opts Not to Run for Election in 2016
With this winter breaking records hard to run on the Global Warming issue.
"Well, You Can't Have Everything!"
Obama Plays Water Guzzling Desert Golf Courses Amid California Drought.
True Facts From Snoops #088
Hummingbirds hum because they can never remember the lyrics. However, they can fly forward, side to side and even backwards, while humming "The Flight of the Valkyries".
True Facts From Snoops #470
According to Snoops: People have been poisoned by snake venom even after the snake is dead. Guess the head dies last.
True Facts From Snoops #541
According to Snoops: It takes ten minutes for you to lose feeling in your arms and legs if you fall through ice into the water. Twenty for your already cold-bloodied mother-in-law!
Hillary, Bill, and Monica make three
Noting that the acceptance of gay rights has made "significant progress," Hillary Clinton recently invited Monica "The Mouth" Lewinsky to join her husband Bill and her in a "threesome."
True Facts From Snoops #102
According to Snoops: Most birds have no teeth but a fairly large pecker!
John Denver's "Rocky Mountain High"....
Colorado State's Official #2 song even more appropriate than before!
Chelsea Clnton: three's company
Noting that the acceptance of gay rights has made "significant progress," Chelsea Clinton has reportedly had three-way sex with her husband Marc Mezvinsky and her dad's former lover, Monica Lewinsky.
When transgender people have children, they become see-through, or, as it's known in the trade a transparent.
Oregon woman trappedin in "crater" for a week
Sharon Bates, 52, was not dressed when she became "stuck" in a "crater" for a week, but she's survived, wet and "frigid," but unharmed, and vows to continue to perform cunnilingus, despite her ordeal.
Page: read the subtext!
In Sin City, aspiring actress Ellen Page announced "I'm gay," only to hear comedienne Ellen Degeneris retort, "I'm giving up girls," as Taylor Swift rolled her eyes.
Paris Hilton "unintentionally" bares all (again)
During her birthday bash at Hollywood's Greystone Manor, dumb blonde Paris Hilton suffered a "wardrobe malfunction": when she stepped out of her unzipped gown, she ended up in her birthday suit.
Law's exception proves Museveni supports gays
To prove that he is not homophobic, Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni signed into law legislation sentencing homosexuals to life in prison "unless they are hot-looking lesbians."
Saudis Pledge Support for Terrorism!
Gives U.S. 2,000 barrels of oil for every terrorist they train!
Britney still doing Vegas
"That Britney is old beyond her years, been through the mill. Just not my type", says Arkansas Hog Farmer.
Miley Cyrus Seeing Psychologist
Tennessee Psychologist declares Miley Cyrus "Crazy as a June Bug but still promising little bit!"
Month-Old Egg Salad Wipes Out Family
"I thought I threw that one out", says mother. "Oh well, we finally got rid of holiday weight gain!"
Carnival Claims Vomiting, Diarrhea Normal on Cruises
"Oh there's all kinds of horseplay and "Man Overboard' and who can gag the loudest puke! It's a fun cruise!"
Terrorism Policies Send Insurers Back To Knocking Doors
"You live right between two army bases. You're a dead man if anyone strikes." "And you're a dead man if you try to come back in my door! Insure that!"
Masters Tournament to Allow Women
We could use some slaves out there to fetch things while caddy confires with golfer.
Over 2500 Deaths due to Kim's Ground to Ground Missile Test
"Worked very well but had poor aim...straight up." Calls for new troops.
World's Yuckkish Foods
Number one was monkey brains again while jello with crappy cherries and pineapple chunks #2.
UN Inspectors Checking Dalai Lama
UN Inspectors begin with contemplative weapons of meditative destruction! He could think us extinct!
Duck Dynasty star dies of duck bite
Phil Robertson has died of a duck bite after refusing to seek medical attention after a duck bit his left testicle during the taping of a Duck Dynasty episode.
True Facts From Snoops #628
According to Snoops: Wife says Dan Rather makes up news while shaving and looking at himself in the mirror every morning.
True Facts From Snoops #041
According to Snoops: During the past 54 years there has never been a day when there wasn't at least one episode of Gilligan's Island" being shown.
True Facts From Snoops #163
According to Snoops: NKorea's attempt to send a man to the moon has resulted in 200 astronauts to the bottom of the ocean! Kim: Martyrs, all Martyrs!
True Facts From Snoops #188
According to Snoops: Adding a few drops of Beano into crock pot cooking beans all night will take the gas out, although their will be strange noises from the kitchen all night.
US Navy ready to deploy laser for 1st time
Star Wars isn't coming soon, it's already here.
Food stamp use among troops skyrockets.
Will America's soldiers stand by forever about this? A strong leader is out there somewhere, ready to jump in. Many would be willing to follow.
USA Plunges To 46th In World Press Freedom Index.
Americans who speak out against losing freedoms are being hounded by police, attorneys, White House!
Kathleen Willey: 'Hillary IS the war on women'.
"When has she questioned how women are being treated in the Middle east? They are beaten, stoned and whipped daily!"
Is Middle East troubles coming to South America?
Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro says he may need help as opposition grows stronger.
Company says it can beam free Wi-fi to every person on Earth.
But you have to allow the government to listen it and read your emails. Of course, they already do.
When is Poo not a Pooh?
When a Pooh blocks a Scottish sewer it is not a poo, but it still stinks!
Snorri Snorrason to Run for President
Snorri Snorrason, 36, an Icelandic pop singer, will run for President of Iceland if 5th term President Ólafur Ragnar Grímsson, 70, gets tired of doing the job!
Last week, a 96-year-old woman married a 97-year-old man to become the world's oldest newlyweds. "We kiss part of the time and then resuscitate each other.
USA Womens' Curling Team Concedes 2018 Olympics
SOCHI, RUSSIA - In an unprecedented move, the USA Womens' Curling Team has conceded the 2018 Olympics.
Getting Stronger Every Day
I don't know how but I'm much strong today than I was 20 years ago. Back then I struggled to carry $60 in groceries. Today, I can do it with one arm!
Obama bemoans growing 'older and creakier'
Wish he would grow more brain cells. This has been the weirdest Presidency. We hardly have a friend in the world.
"....pistol packing mama's!"
200 active women soldiers sent home for being pregnant....obviously they were not firing blanks!
The contemplative congressman: Why Tim Ryan is calling for quiet time on Capitol Hill
He has invited the Dalai Lama, Richard Foster and Jerry Brown!
Vote Now: Who is the best president as ranked by historians?
My answer in three words is almost immediate, "Grover Cleveland Alexander!" Go Grove! Go Grove!
China concerned at Japan holding weapons-grade plutonium
Sort of evens the circumstances doesn't it? Might be a good reason to get along better.
Kerry visits UAE for talks on Syria
Most wish he would stay away from smaller nations because it makes his head look even bigger!
True Facts From Snoops #901
According to Snoops: Flamingos stand on one leg at a time because they don't want to to step in bird shit.
True Facts From Snoops #366
According to Snoops: A Kansas City man was once stuck on an escalator for 42 minutes. It was the first time he had seen one and kept trying to go back up on down side.
True Facts From Snoops #422
According to Snoops: Sharks are attracted to strong smells like urine. So I guess we try not to piss ourselves when we see a big one swimming near us.
True Facts From Snoops #213
According to Snoops: Drinking salt water is worse than not drinking any water at all so forget all those margaritas.
True Facts From Snoops #133
According to Snoops: Most bird bones are hollow to make it easier to fly but practically all have Osteoporosis.
Man Chases Mugger Through Subway Tunnel to Retrieve $94, Lighter.
"He also got my mojo and I couldn't allow that to happen."
Sochi sinks into fog.
No one knows who won anything. They can't even find any participants. Search teams send out for those missing in fog.
Mobs terrorize VICTORIA'S SECRET shoppers.
Little guy with big thick glasses "I was just buying Martha a teddy."
Feds want to track your DNA like license plate.
Boy, did George Orwell's '1984' underestimate these people.
Woody Allen heckled at movie theater.
Hurries inside wearing tomato-proof hat and slicker.
Clinton Foundation restricts access to papers from time as governor..
Also, time served in jail, cleaning up highways and public service. $1,000 investment going to $100,000 in short span.
Kathleen Willey: 'Hillary Clinton IS the war on women'.
No wonder her face has set into the green persimmon phase!
Secretary of State Kerry Condemns Climate Change Skeptics
Kerry rails at climate change doubters. Shortly thereafter he is assessed a carbon emission fee by the EPA for the CO2 muck spewing from his hair due to mopping out coal burners as a part-time job.
Obama Uses Power of Positive Thinking Technique
Tells Western U.S., "Be thankful you're not getting blizzard after blizzard like the East Coast!"
Obama Uses Power of Positive Thinking Technique
Tells East Coast, "Snow is good for the country. The West would be thrilled to have all this snow!"
Paraguay largest producer of marijuana...
flights between Denver and Paraguay increase by 1000% !
Food prices soar as incomes stand still
At least most Americans thought ahead and stored up all the fat we could.
Snake-handling Kentucky pastor dies from snake bite
Well of all things! Bit by a snake he was handling. You just never know, do you?
American's fight to expose corruption in Russia
Why not come home and fight to expose corruption in White House and Congress?
They Every Bit As Silly As We Are!
In Los Angeles, Ca. you can buy a hot dog wrapped in bacon and then fried and topped with mayo! And they have the nerve to laugh at our Southern Deep Fat Fried Mountain Oyster Festivals!
Elvis Birthday Last Month
Most people who haven't visited Graceland usually don't know that on the Anniversary of his death they put together a peanut butter & banana sandwich that is 10 feet wide & 7 feet high! Help Yourself!
Few tears shed for Ray Nagin
"He could have gotten more people out of New Orleans", says one lady who said she was there and rescued from housetop.
True Facts From Snoops #402
According to Snoops: Birds are featured on the flags of 15 different countries around the world. Bird shit on ALL of them!
True Facts From Snoops #719
According to Snoops: A group of cats is called a clowder. But if you call in your crazy Aunt Edna and her huge clowder, they will come and get you, not her.
True Facts From Snoops #102
According to Snoops: The Chocolate Fudge river in "Willy Wonka" was actually piped in sledge from a nearby sewer.
True Facts From Snoops #178
According to Snoops: The Great Wall of China is longer than the continent of Africa. To this day, an enemy has never been able to cross it from either side!
World begging to be saved...
True Facts From Snoops #806
According to Snoops: The oldest bird fossil discovered last week is 150 million years old, according to Larry King.
The Ice Woman Cometh!
A new Ice-Breaking ship was launched today weighing over 33 million pounds and was christened by Hillary Clinton. Her husband, Bill, suggested it.
Lake Superior Feels Superior
About rave reviews for its fantastic ice show!
Colorado General Assembly Announces New State Herb
weed whacker sales explode in Colorado
Lowes and Home Depot all sold out.....
Denver planning to celebrate St. Patricks Day....
with the "Smoking of the Green (weed, that is)...