Spoof news snippets from Sunday 16 February 2014
Anti-wrinkle bath oil dropped by helicopter as Somerset is swamped again by storms
Industrial sized bath oil drums were dropped on Somerset by helicopter this morning to avoid women's fingers becoming irreversibly wrinkled. This follows Parabeautician deployment earlier today.
Hamas official investigated for 'irregularities'
"We need to do some stool tests and maybe an upper GI, colonoscopy", say Investigators.
Winter builds rare icy path to Lake Superior ice caves
Still trying to lure out the Yeti that are said to be living there. "Halloooo the Ice Cave!" Traditional greeting not being answered.
US skating pair break world record, Jamaicans flop!
How's that again? They won by doing the Jamaican Flop? Never heard of it. Guess that's why it's a record.
Cuomo Proposes Turning NY Prisons Into College Campuses.
A brilliant man says, "if you just go rob a tiny bank you can get your college degree for free. Shoot somebody and you can get a doctorate!"
'Jet stream shift' could prompt harsher winters.
Weather Channel: Especially while we're going through this Global Warmer episode. Then we here can go to our next big ratings with Tornadoes! Hurricanes!
Republicans: President violating Constitution, but little can be done about it.
"Plus I got three more years or I might change the law and go another seven!"
COULTER: Obama 'Would Be Impeached If He Weren't First Black President'.
"But I am and you still gotta live with it, Honky Lady!"
ROMNEY: Bill Clinton 'embarrassed the nation'
"Should have been left in his office and given a pistol and one bullet."
Possible radiation leak at New Mexico military site #2
Or else the six-legged toads could be a new species of toad.
KERRY Cries "Climate Change" as he heads toward Volcano Eruption
Also "I'll never drink that stuff again or say a bad word about Mr. Bush and Please let me live."
Olympics Closing Ceremonies: Rolling Stones Out......
Mormon Tabernacle Choir in, states Putin.
Mississippians Finally Get Kids to Eat Cucumbers....
youngsters eating pickles soaked in Kool-aid!
New Worry for Government Over Flood Defences
Eric Pickles is going on a diet.
Alex Ferguson GIVES AWAY Family Silver to Man Selling Magic Beans
Alex Ferguson has reportedly GIVEN AWAY the Ferguson family silver to a man selling magic beans. Tells his wife and sons "Your job now is to stand by these magic beans".
Congress Strives to "Clear the Air" When Debating Bills
By joint resolution by both Houses the respective Sargeant-at-Arms will quickly enforce wearing of the now required Flatulence Deodorizers by all members. Undie inspection upon entering is mandatory.
Hitting Head Repeatedly Off Wall actually DAMAGES Brain New Study Reveals
New Study by Dutch Scientists has found evidence that repeatedly hitting your head off a brick wall actually DAMAGES your brain rather improving it. Severe Headaches and Mood Swings now thought 'bad'.
Merkel, Hollande discuss communication network bypassing USA.
Or so they think. hee hee hee!
Today In History #5
In 1968, the nation's first 911 emergency telephone system was inaugurated in Haleyville, Ala. They had to take it back off for three months because of calls for lost dogs, cats & 'Just to say Howdy!"
Today In History #4
In 1945, American troops landed on the Northern Mindanao Island in the Philippines during World War II. They were supposed to land on the island of Corregidor. But they quickly boated across.
Today In History #3
In 1923, the burial chamber of King Tutankhamen's recently unearthed tomb was unsealed in Egypt by English archaeologist Howard Carter who immediately died of a massive hemorrhoids attack.
Today In History #2
In 1868, the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks was organized in New York City, because of the huge herds of Elk that roamed the city.
Today In History
In 1862, the Civil War Battle of Fort Donelson in Tennessee ended as 12,000 Confederate soldiers surrendered after Union soldiers cooked good smelling BBQ Babyback Ribs as Rebs were starving.
Legacy of Civil Rights Leaders Source of Fights
Rosa Parks man knocks out guy who was always touting Martin Luther King, Jr.
Flight Lands in London After Unruly Man Booted
Pilot and Co-Pilot tell law officers general area where he was booted off plane.
Prisoners' Use of Smuggled Cellphones on the Rise
You mean we get frisked and xrayed at Airports and they can just sneak them in their pockets and not be frisked?
8 Old-Time Curses Doctors Swear By
I'm sorry. That should be: 8 Old-Time Cures Doctors Swear By! One is ice. Looks we all got plenty of that.
New England Hit With Another Winter Blast
"Blast this cold winter weather!", yells are being heard all over the Northeast United States and echoed down south.
Mistrial Declared on Murder Charge in Loud-Music Trial
A Caucasian man was found guilty of the fatal shooting of an African-American teenager over loud music, but a mistrial was declared after the all-black jury broke out their boom-boxes to celebrate.
Entire USA Olympic Skating Team Comes Out of the Closet
SOCHI, RUSSIA - The entire USA Olympic skating team announced today that they are gay.
Prisoner escapes for Valentine's date
Afraid to go back to old girlfriend cellmate. "He'll kill me."
True Facts From Snoops #147
According to Snoops: Every year over one million birds die from flying into glass windows and doors, leaving thousands of lizards laughing their tails off. "Should have kept your scales, bird brains!"
True Facts From Snoops #275
According to Snoops: Frogs live on every continent except Antarctica. 99.9% have never seen a real penguin. Sometimes PETA leaves a few stuffed penguin toys while passing by.
True Facts From Snoops #630
According to Snoops: On average a volcano erupts somewhere in the world every week. Sort of like the wife when you come home drunk on a Saturday night!
True Facts From Snoops #241
According to Snoops: Male Bower Birds build huge nests using twigs, flowers, toys, CDs, compact mirrors to attract females. Usually the CDs are by Johnny Mathis.
Kerry urges Indonesia to fight climate change
"Your people are much too wealthy to just stand by and let this weather thing take all of us."
Leaders want to keep Russia's history in positive light
"Stalin loved children and bunny rabbits. Often he would give a chap a big slap on the back and tell him 'well done' after an execution."
Kerry tours giant mosque in Indonesia
"Is this the one Edgar Allen Poe wrote about in his 'Red Death' story?"
Possible radiation leak at New Mexico military nuclear waste site
Employee growing second head triggers the investigation.
Canadian bobsledder has wardrobe malfunction.
"Little Bob" pops his head out after zipper fails after slide.
Patients with pre-existing conditions could pay more under Obamacare.
I thought that was why we started the whole mess in the first place..for those whose past sickness didn't count.
Jamaican call for Britain to pay slavery reparations.
Israel calls Egypt for hundreds of years of slavery. Rome will be broke if this starts.
Microphone Transfers Sound Through Touch.
Too bad we didn't have one of these on Monica during the Clinton Administration.
Army Builds 'Fake City' in Virginia to Practice Military Occupation.
"We need volunteers for the fake city. Anyone going to die in a few days anyway?", asks General.
Princes William, Harry sandbag against UK floods.
Prince William slows down as brother ribs him: She's just about worn you out hasn't she?"
Winter Storms Trigger Cabin Fever.
Facebook full of short pics of neighbors running around outside naked or wearing frog feet.
Miley Cyrus Performance
A giant tongue slide, a marijuana leaf leotard and crotch grabbing and that was the just the guy who introduced her.
True Facts From Snoops #240
According to Snoops: New Caledonia Crows are able to make their own tools. The first one made was the crowbar.
True Facts From Snoops #251
Snoops: The best way to survive a tornado if you're caught out in the open, is to flatten yourself on the ground like a pancake, because if something really big lands on you, you will be a pancake.
True Facts From Snoops #609
According to Snoops: The "Big Bang", which scientists say formed our Universe 13.7 billion years ago this May 17th, was more like a balloon popping.
True Facts From Snoops #212
According to Snoops: In "Uncle Pete's" restaurant in East Tennessee, he will fry up any road kill that you bring in. That's $5 with free fries & drink.
True Facts From Snoops #143
According to Snoops: A church in Barcelona, Spain has been under construction for over 100 years. "Every time we get going, a new priest comes in and changes plans", says 3rd generation builder.
U.S. Gets Biggest Hockey Wins Since "Miracle"
Members of the team to take trip on Pilgrimage Lourdes Fatima later this year.
At last some politicians speaking sense.
Thomas Pynchon revealed as Max Headroom culprit
Writer Thomas Pynchon has been identified as the prankster behind the Max Headroom Incident of 1987. FCC Spokesman "All those bizarre and tedious counter-cultural references, it's gotta be Pynchon."
Desert Solar Plants are Scorching Flying Birds
Nevada - Studies show that mega-solar plants have been frying flying birds with intense reflected heat. It's just the latest environmental advance in multitasking: eco-power and CO2-free barbequing.
Arrested poets society
Ten poets have been arrested in Ireland for writing awful poems about potatos. One of them submitted his poem for judging in the Nobel Prize. Its expected they will probably get twenty five years.
After Lightning Experiment, Ben Franklin Attracted Magnets
He was able to convince fellow Americans to revolt against England by his magnetic personality.
Kids in School Nowadays Have a short attend..it's over? Thank you.
The average American's attention span is that..Hey look! There's a cat...uh cat burglars it will stop them from...Joe! You the man! You the man! Come here.. & show the folks, Hey folk songs! Kumbya!
Crocodiles can climb trees: researchers #2
Since 2000 till now over 2,000 Keeblers have made this mistake.
Crocodiles can climb trees: researchers
Though the crocs lack obvious physical features to suggest this is possible, crocs in fact climb trees. "If you think your kids are safe in a treehouse think again. What if a croc comes knocking?"
Scientists are working on a new contraceptive for women that works for 90 days straight.
"It's called the Piles! "I'm off the pill and on the piles."
N Dakota Oil Production Hits Record.
Then why is the price of gasoline going up? Are we selling it abroad?
Miley's risque routine with Clinton impersonator.
Ex-President says he could do without the Monica Twerp!
USA get biggest hockey win since 'Miracle'.
White House issues official apology for Hockey team defeating the Russians.
Average Adult American expanding....
up 25 lbs. since 1960....about to burst!