Spoof news snippets from Saturday 15 February 2014
Liverpool Fan Hospitalised After Laughing at Manchester United for 6 months
Liverpool fan joins a total of 53 currently in intensive care after prolongued laughing fit epidemic blamed on Manchester United hapless manager David Moyes or 'The One Stooge'. No end in sight!
True Facts From Snoops #342
According to Snoops: A peacocks tail is more than half it's total body length, second only to that of Kim Kardashian.
True Facts From Snoops #197
According to Snoops: Most flamingos get their pink color from eating shrimp or else they may be gay.
True Facts From Snoops #165
According to Snoops: Some birds use silk from spider webs to help hold them together but the best nests have a tiny bit of Crazy Glue or used bubble gum.
True Facts From Snoops #132
According to Snoops: People in Papua, New Guinea speak over 700 languages. So they have worked out some hand signals. Everywhere you look--Charades!
Dem GOP Cockraoches
Cockroaches can live weeks without a head. Then they starve to death. So let's drop that Washington DC plan.
Lady Gaga Nipped by Slow Loris at Video Shoot
"Thank goodness it wasn't a FAST loris," said the relieved singer.
Man Finds Long-Lost Sibling…at Walmart
Maybe we have shopped WalMart so much we're beginning to all look alike.
Military's 'Iron Man' Suit May Be Ready to Test This Summer
Be sure that our next war is in cold climate. Those look hot to wear.
UN envoy 'very sorry' as Syria talks break off in failure
At least you gave them time to build another nuclear missile so some things were accomplished.
Here's a tip: If you will have the wife ring a bell when your Viagra wait is over, over a period of a few months, you can get off the Viagra. She can just ring the bell and off you go.
A Severe Winter Breaks Budgets as Well as Pipes
Pipes in the south were not made for super cold weather. Create slick spots in roads, streets and crashed cars.
The Turkey Knob Think Tank
That new Think Tank in Turkey, Tn., according to the article in the Knoxville Journal, is now studying "Why are there no ice cream sandwiches on rye or wheat. Don't you get your choice of relish?"
A Close Shave
After Fidel's whiskers caught on fire when he blew out candles last year, brother will have soldier stand behind him with a bucket of water.
Actually The Was One Casualty
Further evidence has come in on that plane that went down in Hudson River. Although one engine was lost to a flock of geese, the other engine flew into a guy in a lawn chair, he only casualty.
Self-Defense While Nude!
Most students of "Hung Pooh" say that it is the nastiest type of fighting they have ever ran into. Not dangerous, nasty.
After Review, Ugandan President Will Sign Antigay Legislation
"I'm clipping their wings", says. "I give you a whole month to leave."
Great Lakes Now Completely Frozen Over
Sen Franken and former Gov Ventura claim from afar a Tea Party conspiracy funded by Koch brothers to undermine global warming. Ice fishermen rave, citing reduced hot air blasts from both the above.
Trying To Understand Jimmy Carter
Family and friends are concerned about former president Jimmy Carter as all he seems to be saying lately is "Let's get the old regime together".
True Facts From Snoops #185
According to Snoops: The phrase "Lame Duck" came from the Lincoln Assassination. Just before the shot, someone yelled "Mr. Lincoln Duck!" and when J. Wilkes Booth jumped on the stage he broke his leg.
True Facts From Snoops #168
According to Snoops: The happiest man in the united states (1882-1970) was Herman Wilson, who was born with two penises! The happiest woman was his wife. None of his 16 male children inherited it.
True Facts From Snoops #905
According to Snoops: "Boy" on the old Tarzan & Jane series was played by a girl.
True Facts From Snoops #852
According to Snoops: Triskaidekaphobia is the fear of the number 13. That's why that big word is on so many elevators in between 12 & 14th floors. Whatever you do, don't stop there.
150-Year-Old Valentine Goes on Sale For Charity in Florida
"I'm still sunky says Valentine. Course, being 150 I ain't much to look at but I still got my first set of false teeth!"
Gas Prices Set to Rise in Coming Weeks
And we were hoping they would go back to the 1960's $.60 per gallon. Let's get fracking out there.
USA beat Russia in penalty shoot-out
Hope it doesn't turn into a real shootout, we'd both lose!
Calif. Water Politics Complicate Brown's Decisions
"As they say, 'I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't!' I hate politicians!"
5 siblings reconnect; 2 crossed paths at Wal-Mart
"It could have happened earlier if we hadn't been wearing all those weird outfits trying to get on the Facebook as WalMartians", says Roy.
Twenty-five years after Soviet exit, Taliban says U.S. will meet same fate
That's just great. You mean the United States will have our own Prez Putin Macho Man in the future?
Syria peace talks in doubt after 6th day in Geneva
All sides stocking up on weapons during the break. Al-Qaida group asks for 2nd of 3 Time Outs.
Feds Allow Banks to Deal in Pot Business.#3
That must be the reason for all the "Free Potluck for our Great Customer Days" at all the locals.
Feds Allow Banks to Deal in Pot Business.#2
Some apparently already at banks. My teller today called me Mr. Purple and Yellow and gave me a $10 tip from cashing my check.
Feds Allow Banks to Deal in Pot Business.
So wherever you live in the United States, get really friendly with your banker.
800-Pound Runaway Snowball Slams Into College Dorm, Knocks In Wall.
When they took it apart they found guy on skis, thanking them.
NWS: Mid-Atlantic Storm 9th Biggest Ever Recorded.
Although one guy in Virginia says he has a record that you can hear one bigger. He sleeps by it at night and snuggles under the covers, even in July.
True Facts From Snoops #712
According to Snoops: Some common lizards live as long as two and a half feet.
True Facts From Snoops #906
According to Snoops: At any given moment in Russia, someone is drinking vodka!
True Facts From Snoops #604
According to Snoops: If you have a guard dog, a good idea would be to name it "Boy". One friendly burglar's shout of "Here, Boy! will lose him a leg.
True Facts From Snoops #607
According to Snoops: The Great Wall of China spans 5500 miles. That's probably why President Reagan didn't ask Chinese leader to "Tear Down This Wall".
True Facts From Snoops #417
According to Snoops: Bird feathers are made out of the same material as human skin, fish scales, Silly Puddy.
Euthanasia In Belgium Abattoirs
Belgium is to introduce voluntary euthanasia in abattoirs. "An animal psychologist will explain to livestock what is ahead of them, and then we kill them." explained Health Minister Henri Viande.
Governor Brown says to East Coast, "Send us your snow!"
meanwhile, aides are checking out the cost of refrigerated railroad cars....
Bessie the Bitch Wins The Voice Competition
Bessie, a Hounddog bitch, out howled the other human contestants in last night's final show of The Voice. Modest in her contractual demands after such a resounding victory, Bessie settled for a bone.
Mysterious fireball goes cross sky
It's called the Sun, guys. I realize it's been a long winter but here comes the sun! It's all right!
California Officials Make Big Shark Fin Bust in SF
Shark fin said to be twenty feet tall and 30 feet at the bottom.
Colorado Pot Candy Shows Up in North Texas: Cops
CPC is out there! Colorado Pot Candy. Just in time for Valentines Day.
Wal-Mart Decides to Quit Selling Products from China
Happy President's Day
to the half of all U.S. President's with Irish Ancestry!