Spoof news snippets from Friday 14 February 2014
Olympic Gold Medalist Barred by NBC for Broadcast Interview
Cato Stoiclatsa's interview after winning Gold in the 100K solo cross-country triathlon was not aired by NBC. Per eye witnesses, Stoiclatsa refused to display the requisite emotional glop on camera.
Black Ice Believed to Have Started Big Pile-Up on Interstate
"Black Ice? Ever piece of ice I ever picked up frozen around here is clear. Yet these weathermen call it the black ice. I guess it's like the black plague.
Want to know the secret to a 67-year marriage? Ask Bill and Betty Evans
"Oh, Bertha have...Betty and I have been the best of..is that a squirrel, yes it's a squirrel. Well, look at that, Beverly. What? That's silly. A squirrel named Betty. My wife? That looks like her."
Israel reveals laser shield technology with 'Star Wars' like powers
Names of superspeed aircraft changed to Jedi #1 through 500!
Waivers might spare school districts from making up all snow days
Might as well. We're behind half the world in education anyway!
Deep freeze almost completely covers Great Lakes with ice
Minnesota drivers add "Land of 10,000 frozen lakes" to license plates.
Detroit man gets final wish, has funeral in homemade pine box at bar
The coffin was propped up on the edge of the bar so stiff could be seen and friends had final photographs with him, all in black & white!
Chilly January in East was balanced by Western warmth
So does that mean that the people out west can pay more to sort of even up our high bills? Socialism! Socialism!
Officials: Uganda's Leader to Sign Anti-Gay Bill
So if your name is Bill and you're gay, I'd avoid Uganda.
George Washington Document on View at Spy Museum
Well, it was there just a few minutes ago! Check your helper.
True Facts From Snoops #906
According to Snoops: in 2009, over 2500 young people and 300 Smurfs dressed up as Smurfs and hung out in a town square in Great Britain.
True Facts From Snoops #821
According to Snoops: The little girl on the salt shaker box with the umbrella "When it rains it pours" drowned.
True Facts From Snoops #153
According to Snoops: Leonardo Da Vinci also built a prototype for a Time Machine but it only went ahead ten seconds. Pope had the 'devil machine' hammered to bits.
Very Nazi mosquitoes!
Heinrich Himmler nearly invaded the UK with squadrons of Nazi mosquitoes, luckily it was just a "Sting"!
It's So Cold and Snowy....
even the nation's Polar Bear Clubs have rescheduled their plunges!
CA considering warning labels on sugary drinks.#2
Let's put "one of these thing in this box might cause burns!" on match boxes.
CA considering warning labels on sugary drinks.
If we don't know that sugary drinks have sweeteners already, maybe we don't deserve to live?
Biden: Be Optimistic on State of the Nation 'In Spite of Who's President'.
Let's borrow money till we break their bank! Then we can all start fresh! Great, huh?"
Many Airports full of passengers stuck!
Most flights cancelled since 911. Major snow headed up east coast!
SLUSH: Obama to pitch $1 billion climate change 'resilience fund'.
May ask for loan from China by next week!
True Facts From Snoops #721
According to Snoops: Scientists say that birds are modern day dinosaurs who became extinct from trying to fly off cliffs!
True Facts From Snoops #514
According to Snoops: Although all crocodilians have a powerful bite, they cannot chew. Therefore many die choking to death after biting off more than they can chew.
True Facts From Snoops #776
According to Snoops: The 2,000 year old Rosetta Stone has helped to decode several ancient languages. It was named after it's founder, Rosetta Rosettadeta whose daughter used to appear on SNL.
True Facts From Snoops #999
According to Snoops: The musical group "The Doors" named themselves after a bunch of doors. "We were talking & I said "'Look, there's a door' & Jim left. I think he misunderstood. But Doors it was!"
Salmond declares Scotland will have its own currency
"Aye, we'll call it the Poond."
Shirley Temple and Sid Caesar Secret Suicide Pact
Representatives for Shirley Temple and Sid Caesar, who both died within hours of each other February 11 and 12, denied that the two celebrities had a secret suicide pact.
Researchers say that at least four species of crocodiles are able to climb trees.
In fact, they can even dance apparently as several have been spotted doing the "Crocodile Rock"!
Canada Not Doing Well At Olympics?
They should have entered Justin Bieber in all the downhill events. He's setting a lot of records everywhere he goes, he goes down hill.
Woman found alive after 6 days in Ore. woods
"If that family of Sasquatch hadn't took me in I never would have made it", she tells searchers.
What a Mess: Airlines Try to Dig Out from East Coast Snowstorm
As over a foot of snow lands on some airports, a handbreadth on others.
Putin Stops In at USA House in Sochi
Folds hands under his arms, flaps them and crows three times and leaves!
Pope Francis gives marriage advice
Begins speech with, "Since I have so much experience with the subject..."
European Banks Avoiding Risky-Loan Disclosure Face Review
So be sure you use the right amount of makeup and lipstick if you are a lady or gay, as you will want that face just right.
True Facts From Snoops #990
According to Snoops: Bess Truman was the first person to invent the phrase: "He who smelt it, dealt it!"
True Facts From Snoops #784
According to Snoops: If you ar on a tall ladder and it begins to fall, experts say that you should not panic. Wait until the lady just hits the ground and step off.
True Facts From Snoops #365
According to Snoops: The 50 tallest mountains of the world are all in Asia. That may be why they have so many ups and downs over there.
True Facts From Snoops #502
According to Snoops: If you see a glass as half full is an optimist, half empty is a pessimist, always ready to finish off as an alcoholic.
True Facts From Snoops #045
According to Snoops: Dian Fossey, who had studied gorillas most of her life, had always insisted that her husband wear a gorilla suit to bed.
Britain warns Scotland: Forget the pound if you walk away
Scots said they could coin their own money, the Haggi or Kilt!
Environment Agency To Oppose Gay Marriage Says Its Chair, Lord Smith
'We think David Silvester's view is daft about the current floods being God's judgement on gay marriage,' said Lord Smith, 'but with no end to this weather in sight, we're prepared to try anything.'
Mysterious fireball in sky caught on camera.
Camera completely destroyed, burned into big blob! "I don't see why it had to catch on mine", says owner.
Chamber CEO: U.S. Needs More Low-Skill Immigration Since Americans Not 'Qualified, 'Willing' to Work.
Boomers dying off. We need more workers from other countries.
PETA Protests Ages
Demands that all animals, including humans average the same life span!
Scientists may soon accurately predict lifespan of human.
That's a waste of the taxpayers money. All they had to do is call the Mafia.
VIDEO: Transit Cop Uses Stun Gun On 'Harmless' Passenger Repeatedly.
Apologizes. "I've been watching those old Clintwood movies again."
Iranian TV Host Mocks Obama.
How dare they? We would never do such a thing with their leaders on Saturday Night live or anywhere on a Late Show!
Lawkmaker Calls on President to Release Text of Iran Deal.
"Sorry. That's already been shredded. Wasn't worth the paper it was written on anyway."
Janet Napolitano Visits Berkeley Campus; Greeted By Protesters.
Well it wouldn't be Berkeley Campus without a good old protest would it?
Military developing pizza that doesn't require refrigeration.
How about cooking? Or can you just lay it out in the sun for the birds to fly over?
'Homeland' to Activate National License Plate Recognition Database.
So be sure and it flat behind back seat and make up "Just bought" card in the window.
CBS: Extreme Cold Caused by 'Excess Heat'.
And I guess very warm summers caused by 'Excess Cold'? No wonder no one watches network news anymore. Stay with The Spoof!
Al Roker apologizes for De Blasio '1 term' tweet.
"I was half-frozen when I sent it!"
'Thundersleet' in Virginia.
Thor probably angry over slipping and falling on his ass while hammering out the thunder.
Great Lakes ice breakers exhausted.
Better be careful and not stop up the tailpipe!
Snow in 49 States!
Would somebody in southern Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi please throw a snowball over into Florida? That would even things up. So I have autism, lots of people do. do. do.
FAA Grounds Flower Delivery Drone...
But pay for final deliveries before grounding them, just because we used them as targets.
Waltons Star Ralph Waite Dies At 85
"G'night John boy!"
"Oh, so the capital city of Germany is Berlin!" a surprised Sarah Palin remarked to a journalist recently. "Okay, well, why isn't Wasilla capital of Alaska?" to which the journo replied "Fuck!"
Ivan is done
Ivan Dyosovostki has finally finished the men's downhill event after skiing from the French Alps to the Caucuses in Russia. "Did I do something wrong?" he asked. Oficials have banished him to Siberia.
Brian the squirrel
"Okay, but you hang on to the back of it" said the Aer Lingus airline pilot to the late passenger who clambered on to the wing during takeoff. The passenger lasted about thirty seconds. Thrrrrsssh!
Americans want to know....
what the heck is Marmite?
American Men Sweep Medals in Free Skiing Slopestyle
The US team issued a celebratory press release - "Yeah, we kicked ass in an event we invented for the Games. 'Cuz who needs the pain of stamina and endurance for cross-country skiing. What a Drag!"
"Oi! You can't do that!" cried the US down hill skier as he witnessed his fellow German competitor affix a jet pack to his back to begin his descent down the competition slope. The German won easily.
What do you mean, another blizzard?
shouts East Coast!
Funeral Director Upset!
"I wish they would quit calling my hearse the Buzzardmobile and at least back to the "Meat Wagon"."
Local Man Killed in Wreck After Tire Blew!
"We tried to tell him that he was driving on 'May-pops' but would he listen, No!", say most everybody in town of 55.
So What About Comparing Yourself To Another President
President Obama compares himself with Ghandi, Nelson Mandela. ..Michael Jordan, Willie Mays! He forgot Mother Teresa but I can do that too. I don't come out very well but I still can compare.
49 of 50 States Have Snow as Drifts Pile Up
49 states are asking Florida, what is the matter with you?
Chevrolet to Oversee Restoring of Sinkhole Corvettes
A regular crowd of tourists were back at the museum today as only a small area was affected & experts proclaimed that the rest of the museum was safe. "Wonder what a 'sinkhole' Corvette is worth?"
True Facts From Snoops #729
According to Snoops: Only one in ten thousand babies are born under a wandering star. One of those was the actor, Lee Marvin!
True Facts From Snoops #618
According to Snoops: A female peacock is called a peahen, a baby peacock is a sweetpea!
True Facts From Snoops #603
According to Snoops: There's a chili pepper so hot that three out of four people will cry until it completely leaves their system with a big shout there at the end!
True Facts From Snoops #140
According to Snoops: The least favorite character to star as 007 James Bond on a Fleming movie? Danny Devito!
Winter storms are threatening to chill US economy
And it was just ready to really explode...one way or another!
FACEBOOK Adds 50 Terms For Users' to Identify Gender.
I guess this is like the Paul Simon song: Be a new man, Trans. Get off the bus, Puss. Come up to bat, Pat.
POLL: American dream seen out of reach.
I don't know why so many coming here. They're just turning it into the same place they came from.
Kim Jong Un Misses His Dad
Kim Jong Un was spotted crying when told that the US and South Korea would not stop their war games. "I wish my dad was still here. Then I could go back to just playing video games all day" he sobbed.