Spoof news snippets from Thursday 13 February 2014
Russia and Japan Still Have Not Signed a Peace Treaty to End WWII
New Pope Promotes 12!
He has named ten new men Cardinals and two as Jaybirds!
He's had it now!
Sheriff of Eastern Ky says they're sure to get bank robber that went to hide at Chester. "They all look alike over there so we'll just pick him out and...say, what if it IS somebody from Chester?"
Former Fed Chairman Greenspan Losing It
"This economy can be turned around. It surely can. How? Well, we can all clap our hands three times. That's how we kept Tinkerbelle from dying! I think J. Edgar used that also."
Health Office Explains Taste
The reason that everything is tasting like chicken is because it has been genetically altered with the same thing.
Cupid Takes Full Responsibility for Divorce Rate
"I admit sometimes I was too lazy to practice my archery skills, so maybe I missed 50% of the time!"
True Facts From Snoops #830
According to Snoops: Tootsie rolls were first sold as a health food, for your feet!
True Facts From Snoops #364
According to Snoops: A group of prisoners is called a "PITY". (Poor things out there picking up garbage by the highways in this weather. Pitiful).
True Facts From Snoops #385
According to Snoops: In Vietnam you can stay at a hotel carved out of a tree. That's where John McCain stayed for a short while during the war. In fact, he is still called 'Keebler' to this day.
True Facts From Snoops #280
According to Snoops: 10% of those who do not have money to burn purchase 90% of scented candles.
Facebook Adds Custom Options for Transgender Users
Just call them "He, She or It". "Or HeSheit for short."
Strauss: Why boy born without complete brain has to take 2014 standardized test
"Look at Limbaugh. He's doing fine with half a brain and one hand tied behind his back or that's what he claims."
Philadelphia Mayor: Latest Storm a Record-breaker
"I wish that Weather Channel would go off the hour! Ask THEM if it's a record breaker. There goes the phone again. OK!OK! It's a record breaker. Quit calling me!"
Ghost of Jimmy Hendrix Kicked Out of Cemetery!
"If I hear one more version of "Foxy Lady" I'll turn into a screaming banshee", says fellow dweller.
Well-Known Doctor Arrested For Possible Abuse
"He's still saying he spotted a six inch alien in his pants", says arresting officer. "Others say he ran through waiting room in his undies."
Police review Stop Light Video for 25th Time
All agree that it could be possible for a UFO to run (fly through) a red light, but they ain't telling nobody! "I can just hear those late night idiots", says one.
Ralph Makes Rare Appearance on CBS News
Claims he thinks there is a Global Fair to Middling weather pattern going on!
White House sees longer wait for Afghan pact; Karzai ratchets up tension with prisoner release
We were supposed to be out of there some time ago. Why not let him take care of his own country?
No One Wanted to Fly with Buzz
"No astronaut wanted to fly with Buzz Aldrin who thought it was a great joke to leave a turd floating around the cabin!", according to a fellow astronaut.
There's One in Every Crowd
Local man helps grave digger place wife's coffin an extra six feet down. "Just wanted to make sure", says muscle man.
Another Cruise Ship Mishap
Everything, outside of the big sharks getting one guy who fell overboard, went well on Honeymooning couples cruise in Caribbean.
Cupid Admits He Made a Mistake....
....shooting way too many arrows at former President Clinton!
GALLUP: Americans' views of Russia sink to two-decade low.
"The whole country thinks Putin the worse since Stalin only he tries to appear friendly", a common remark in poll!
French Pres Hollande Makes Ill-judged Pass at Martha Stewart
Stag at WH State Dinner, Hollande needed a date for later, so, muddled by bad US wine, he put a move on style maven Stewart. She agreed to hook up, but insisted he dress as Quasimodo the Hunchback.
Atlanta Snow Shut-down Prompts Opportunity for Dog-Sled Entrepreneurs
The latest Atlanta-Washington shuttle is propelled by Yasha the Husky and his canine confreres. Team driver Bubba DeKalbster says,"Only way to git to Ol' Foggy Bottom is my team of woofers, y'all!"
National Monument Renamed....
Craters of the Moon now Craters of Venus, Mercury and Mars.
Nuclear fusion milestone!
"Just a few more steps and we'll be there", says scientist. Also, gas goes to $10.00 a gallon.
Vienna's famed dancing stallions are put on diet after too many snacks
Trainers say they were eating like a horse!
California Town Changes its Name
Red Bluff now Red Dust...
U.S. Buying Ammo From China?
If we just wait awhile longer, they will send it to us for free!
Will Buy 75 Million Rounds of Ammo This Year.
Thats more than half a dozen NRA people, although Ted Nugent is close.
Crocodiles CAN Climb Trees
But they don't want to, as they get enough exercise at the
LARRY KING: What media bias?
Then ducks under the desk as lightning hits his chair.
City Fines Residents Up To $100 For Not Shoveling Sidewalks.
Woman sues city $200,000 for husband having a heart attack while shoveling.
Amelia Earhart's Plane Vanishing!
I wonder if Amelia Earhart's plane didn't just fly into the Fifth Dimension? They would have been "Up, Up & Away in their Beautiful Balloon!" and I haven't seen them in a long time.
I Got The Pure Lard!
I finally found a genuine old can that says "Pure Lard" on it. It was on my 'Bucket List'.
True Facts From Snoops #452
According to Snoops: The language of the Pirahs, a remote Amazonian tribe, has no word for "all, each, every, most, few and twerk"!
True Facts From Snoops #370
According to Snoops: Over 100% of adults help themselves to their kids candy after Halloween.
True Facts From Snoops #148
According to Snoops: Rice balls rolled up in seaweed are very popular in Japan. They call it, "Yu-Mi"! They are not asking you out. (you-me?)
True Facts From Snoops #903
According to Snoops: "Here comes the Big Mango" is an expression in Thailand that means the same thing as "Here comes the Big Cheese" in Wisconsin!
True Facts From Snoops #724
According to Snoops: Although Einstein was one of the smartest people ever, he always forgot to open a door to get into a building. That's why he had that Larry the Stooge look about him.
True Facts From Snoops #180
According to Snoops: Jim Henson's early muppets were filled by midgets!
Title Rating Ratings Date Added 'Snowmaggedon' takes aim at winter-weary US east #2
White House message to snow weary citizens, "It's not my fault!"
'Snowmaggedon' takes aim at winter-weary US east
"We're sick of the stuff." "Why would anyone live up north?" "Tired of weathermen everywhere you look." "Stupid old Groundhog!" Among observations.
US would 'help' Philippines in South China Sea: Navy chief
White House: "See if MacArthur has any descendants in the military!"
Whoops! There Goes The Cat!
U.S. Sen. Bob Corker of Tn. said he has been "assured" that if workers at Volkswagen AG plant in Chattanooga reject UAW representation, the company will reward the plant with a new product to build.
Home Leveled in Kentucky Gas Explosion
Don't worry, I'm OK! Just have to watch what I eat. Too much fiber.
Sinkhole opens up at National Corvette Museum, swallows cars
Corvette owners everywhere ask for a moment of silence over several lost cars!
Cars Abandoned on Snow-Covered Roads.
Many being towed away by crooks in wreckers they have stolen.
Walking Rough in the South
At last count, 300 broken legs and two dozen busted arses!
Residents W/O Electricity Cook Food In Fireplaces.
Also outside in snow on barbecue grill. Give themselves a hotfoot often to prevent frostbite.
Weather Channel #1 (#4)
"This a friend of your weather guy in Georgia, the late Gary Longley. Longley's service will be held as soon as the snow melts and we can find his remains. Services will be this weekend."
Brutal Winter INTENSIFIES...! # 3
Weather Channel #1: "This is Joe Angelino. I got some video here of the cars sliding that I took just before I was ran down."
Brutal Winter INTENSIFIES.! # 2
"This is reporter Janice Deen. I'm hear looking out the back door of an emergency room in South Carolina. I'll get back to you on The Weather Channel as soon as my get the cast on my leg."
Brutal Winter INTENSIFIES.!
The Weather Channel tops the list of TV viewers for the first time. "I'm standing here up to my arse in snow and ice. Go to next reporter. I need to change over at the hospital."
Morrison's West Ham Anthem
Ravel's 'Balero Off'
Too Much Wind
In the House of Commons.
Woman swimming with dolphins mistakes shark fin for dolphin fin....
New Chinese Restaurant Opens in Bar Harbor
True Facts From Snoops #141
According to Snoops: The longest hot dog ever made was 668 feet. That's the length of two football fields. It was eaten by John Madden.
True Facts From Snoops #274
According to Snoops: 70% of drinking water in Saudi Arabia is actually purified salt water. This is where our astronauts got the idea of recycling their piss.
True Facts From Snoops #055
According to Snoops: Cats communicate using at least 16 known cat words. For instance, "Mrrrrowl! Mrrrrrowl!" which means "I done pooped in the cat box and covered it up!"
True Facts From Snoops #171
According to Snoops: There were several groups during the Civil War here called the "Peckerheads", but only by their enemies!
Psychiatrist: 'Tremendous Amount' Of Seasonal Affect Disorder...
That may be his term for what many call the Wild Winter Willies but 75% of the U.S. had too much winter. So Iran better back up those boats. We're not in a good mood.