Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 12 February 2014
New Planet Only 200 Million Light Years Away Discovered
If it looks like a sure global fiasco here, this won't matter because it would take us at least 1,000,000 years to get there. We're still screwed. Better start getting along, people!
Attorney General Holder Champions Voting Rights for Felons
Cheers rose from exercise yards across the nation today, as Holder ordered all states to grant voting rights to current and former felons. The newly enfranchised thugs will vote for Charlie Manson.
President and Congress Given Credit!
Americans now have more leisure hours than almost any county on earth!
Despite bad publicity all one-sightedness!
Cakes, donuts, chocolate candy, pasta and big fat juicy burgers still everyones top choice in food.
Obama signs order to require same-sex marriage for federal workers
President Obama signed an executive order on Wednesday to require same-sex marriages for all federal workers and encouraged employers nationwide to require same-sex marriages for their workers.
Seahawks' Richard Sherman Accidentally Chokes Himself - Wife Pulls Plug
Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman accidentally choked himself following his team's victory over the Denver Broncos in Superbowl XLVIII.
US Department of Education Eliminates High School Graduation Requirements
The US Department of Education Secretary, Arne Duncan, announced today that Graduation requirements for US high school students would be eliminated to increase the graduation rate.
Gooogle Unveils Gooogle Ass Cam at CES
Gooogle has announced that it has developed a partnership with Depenz, American Stanterd, and Sharmin to bring Gooogle technology into the bathroom.
US Inflation Rate Hits All-Time Low But Prices Continue to Rise
US Bureau of Labor Statistics spokesman, Ben Dover, today announced that the US inflation rate has hit an all time low of .000137 percent.
Miley Cyrus To Star In Adult Films
Steven Hershey Hiwae, CEO of the world's largest adult film company, Foxy Entertainment LLC, announced today that Miley Cyrus has signed to appear in 17 new adult films, direct 37 and produce 4.
Privatise the NHS? No thanks.
If they privatise the NHS, they'll want me to pay for A&E. I'm afraid they'll get an IOU.
Eric Pickles put in charge of saving London from flooding
Eric Pickles has been charged by the cabinet to protect London from flood water. To this end, he has been hollowed out and will be used as a domed roof for the capital.
Suspect in Ga. Store Shooting Held Without Bond
007 already heading out on another case. "I think you can handle it from here!"
Iran warns ready for 'decisive' battle with US, Israel
"Bring it on!" Sorry. Wrong President! "Remove your ships or we sink them and get missiles out of Cuber" Wrong again!
Ex-New Orleans mayor convicted of taking bribes
Guess he was looking out for #1 while others needed the help!
Hollywood-Heavy Invite List to White House
Things have changed a lot from the Carter Administration!
FBI Warns of 'Online Dating Scams' Before Valentine's Day.
"Sexy 21-year-0ld" turns out to be older man in 50's and fat after agreeing to meet, girl tells parents.
Foreign regimes use spyware against journalists in USA.
Seems like there's a lot of job openings in the spy field!
CONFUSION: Pelosi PAC Runs Ad Slamming Obamacare?
"Someone needs to take charge and clear up this mess!", heard around the country...and it's not the weather.
Rosie O'Donnell Buys Big at New York Fashion Week Show
Entranced by views of Paula Deen's new Hippokinis, O'Donnell quick bought several dozen for herself and girlfriend Oprah after enthusiastically sounding wolf-whistles at cat-walk model Susan Boyle.
True Facts From Snoops #363
According to Snoops: The reason dogs piss on your car tires is that, when one gets ran over, that's the part of the car that does most of the damage.
True Facts From Snoops #996
According to Snoops: There are no movie theaters in Saudi Arabia. But there are still thousands of Viewfinders you can look through and see scenes in 3D, just like you are there.
True Facts From Snoops #628
According to Snoops: A palindrome is a word that's spelled the same backwards or forwards. For instance noon, kayak or zoomerremooz! The last one was overheard when someone sneezed!
True Facts From Snoops #554
According to Snoops: A goats beard is called a goatee. A goats child is called a kid or a goateet, depending upon whether it's male or female.
Paula Deen Makes Huge Impact on New York Fashion Week
Ex-Food Network chef Deen hit Fashion Week big with her showing of Hippokinis- spandex bikinis for X-Plus sized babes. She also awed the crowd by appearing in her signature-designed Manatee MooMoo.
Why Must We Stand In Wind, Water And Sewage To Report The Weather? Ask TV Reporters
'I'm sick of standing in sewage filled rivers in gale force winds,' said one windswept and sodden TV news reporter. 'Why can't we report from the studio, or at least from a shelter on high ground?'
Plug a dyke Cameron is UK saviour!
After promising to plug a "dyke" PM Cameron has declared himself the saviour of a stormy UK. Miliband begs to differ by declaring 'dyke' plugging is not for real men and declared himself the Messiah!
Psychologist Training Priests In Exorcisms.!
Pest Control people training Doctors and Vets how to cure human, animal diseases.
REPORT: State Dinners Cost Between $203K - $572K.
"Out of bread and milk? Let those in Atlanta area eat cake!"
Canadian Gov't Set to Balance Budget.
Oh quit showing off. Everybody already knows how greedy and irresponsible we are. You got any honest politicians you can send us? We need help.
SCHOOL: Six-year-olds act out drug and rape scenes from GRAND THEFT AUTO.
Just wait until these little guys get into Middle School!
Nervous new dad arrested for smoking pot in delivery room.
"Well, I forgot to bring my Valium with me! Should have dropped over to the package store."
Well, Now We Know
Old drunken former U.S. Pilot says the U.S. has been building UFOs since the 1950s!
SPACE WARS: US Military Developing Hypersonic Plane.
Test Run Monday! Bet you didn't even see or hear it, did you? Some airports picked up flash across screens.
CNN: Michelle O's dress 'cost around $12,000'.
That would have bought 500 dresses for the poor, at WalMart!
Feds' Climate Change Website Hacked By Online Drug Seller.
Apparently, since we have nothing else to do while pinned up in our snow and ice, they still have home deliveries!
Conspiracy Theorists Right?
Conspiracy Theorists say that the Secret Organization is fattening us up so that we make bigger targets.
STUDY: People in colder climates have more 'fat' microbes.
Well that's a big help. We get the ice storms and cold temps and we're already fat as hogs!
FBI to Murderers!
If you plan on killing somebody, try to make it old people because that could help us all out with our Social Security and Medicare problems.
De Blasio called cops to spare pal from jail.
"It's the old 'I'll scratch your ass if you'll scratch mine", says spokesman!
THOUGHT POLICE: Firms must swear Obamacare not factor in firings.
Oh no? Those fired are planning to talk and walk about it all over America this Spring and Summer!
Obama turnip machine crashes in San Diego...
I'm sorry, that should be: Obama turnout machine crashes in San Diego.
Head of CIA Denies US has spies in tiny Lietchtenstein !
Translation: Half the population there are American Spies.
D.C. ranks second in job creation for 2013.
Second only to the Military as we plunge our noses into the Middle East again.
'Homeland' Purchasing 141,000 Rounds of Sniper Ammo.
People, if we are about to be attacked by terrorists, just tell us the truth and quit sneaking around.
Nor'easter Could Be 'Biggest Of Season'.
I say we quit having all these seasons! Let's just have months and weeks.
True Facts From Snoops #662
According to Snoops: Rock Candy is the oldest known candy known, going all the way back to the Stone Age!
True Facts From Snoops #815
The woman whose voice was used for Rosie the Robot on The Jetsons and Wilma on The Flintstones was also the voice from Hank Hill after her sex change!
True Facts From Snoops #173
According to Snoops: "Hungry is the only English word that ends in "gry". That fact makes a lot of writers angry!
True Facts From Snoops #172
According to Snoops: The file cabinet at library is rumored to have been inspired L. Frank Baum to name his famous kingdom, "A-N" which he later changed to O-Z or Oz!
'Money No Object For Flood Victims' Cameron
So here is the word blank on the cheque
'Snow Rage' Afflicts Storm-Weary Locals.
"We should just get out of the ice and snow and right into the tornado season!"
Panicked Shoppers Fight Over Food Before Storm #2
"At least we won't have any thieves breaking in", states grocery owner. "There's nothing to steal."
Panicked Shoppers Fight Over Food Before Storm
Grocery owners say it's like Christmas all over again!
Ice from Texas to North Carolina
Rapper Ice-T cancels all southern sites on his tours skip the South for a year.
Historic ice storm unfolds!
Ice storm headed into South could finish off the damage one did two weeks ago and Sherman's Army over a hundred years ago.
This Door and Doorbell Will Make You Want to Upgrade Your Whole Door Situation
For the latest in doorbells, come see us today at Doorbell City! All we sell are doorbells!
Meet Pascal Tessier the first openly gay boy scout!
With a name like Pascal Tessier, I can see why that might happen. How about naming the next one "Rocky Babemagnet"!
Sophisticated but low-tech attack on power grid baffles authorities.
Does anyone know where you can go to read neutral news?
SURVEY: Press Freedom Suffers Under Obama.
Well tell them they don't need to feel like the Lone Ranger! All the freedoms go or stay.
National Guard trains to fight 2nd Amendment supporters.
National Guard are from freedom families. They won't obey or they will turn on their own families.
Market tracks eerily with 1929.
Time to head out and get a giant box of Twinkies! They last 20 years on the shelf. Also in your stomach.
Ice Expert Predicts Lake Superior Will Completely Freeze Over This Winter
Hope they don't send out any Edmund Fitzgerald. The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down of the big lake they called "Gitche Gumee." Gordon Lightfoot.
Historic Ice Storm Unfolds in the South #2
"The Night They Snowed Old Dixie Down!" (Levon Helm & The Band)
Historic Ice Storm Unfolds in the South
Sounds like Sherman II is headed your way. Maybe it'll turn to snow. Weather gone weird.
Bobbitt Feeling Ghost Again
John Bobbitt is back to seeing psychiatrist after he began feeling the ghost penis again. Science getting closer everyday for true transplant.
National Pepper Uppers Still Softies At Heart
A new survey shows that most men who use either Viagra, Cialis or Levitra are, for the most part, either big old softies or soft old biggies.
I Inherited This Mess. It's Not My Fault
To encourage kids to read, every child in America will get a copy of the new free book, "It's Not My Fault!"
Divorcing at 96 Year Old
A man & woman in NYC became the oldest couple in America to divorce as they are both 96 years old. "I thought she died years ago", stated husband. "I can't hear shit. But I can smell it. Who shit?"