Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 11 February 2014
Vice President Biden Wows French President with His Charming Candor
At the WH French State dinner, VP Biden clearly impressed French Pres Hollande with his refreshing charm. Joe proclaimed: "Ay, Froggie, yer frankish airpots ain't no where near as filthy as our'n!"
Culinary Crisis at White House Prompts Marine Sortie
WH Chef Tali Lapia found no L'escargots for the French state dinner this eve, so Obama issued an executive order for Marines to go out and procure as many slimy critters on Capitol Hill as you can!
True Facts From Snoops #783
According to Snoops: Frog feet were actually called Pedal Pushers until drug pushers came along and companies wanted their name to be more favorable.
True Facts From Snoops #691
According to Snoops: In the 1954, over 500 children had an eye put out after running with scissors! That was before the national warnings and billboards!
True Facts From Snoops #643
According to Snoops: You can make over 2,000 Chicken McNuggets out of one average sized chicken!
Not This Again - Why We're Back on the Debt Ceiling Subject
What's so hard to understand. We keep borrowing money!
Monica Lewinsky Writes New Book?
If you do, I will purchase all of them", says Hillary Clinton!
Bank cuts 12,000 jobs, pays bonuses
But bonuses only paid to a couple dozen millionaires.
Shirley Temple Black dies |
"Curly Top" and "Little Princess" made many get their minds off World War II.
Atlanta Prepares For the Worst
Second big ice storm moving in. Is it the curse of Native American Shaman to change their baseball names?
Ringo Elected Mayor of New York City
In breaking news, former Beatle Ringo Starr was selected by a write-in vote to be the next mayor of New York. "After the Grammies, it just seemed like a natural fit. Who doesn't like Ringo?"
Detroit Expels Kid Rock
The city of Detroit has expelled faux rock star Kid Rock from the city limits. "He bought a house by the mayor's residence and everything has gone downhill since then" said a city spokesperson.
Bill Gates would still pick up a $100 bill
Poll: Most people will pick up a penny. "Gotta put something in the offering plate at church", says one man.
Drones Being Used More
Latest: Takes cat or dog to the Vet. He's seen to, placed on drone and sent back home. Tries to kill owner.
Cruz, Paul Top 'Tea Party' Poll; Christie, Bush Last.
And Weiner drops out!
Supreme Justices Heard!
Clarence Thomas: Society overly sensitive about race! Zzzzzz! Ginsberg: zzzzz Put me down for Flying Fanny in the third $100 smackers. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
West Ham's Morrison Plight
Ravel's reputation is unravelling.
Dow up 200 Points!
On news of price of Viagra, Levitra and Cialis tripling costs.
Gove's New Education Initiative
Education Secretary has issued instructions to all teachers to explain that the Terrible Weather is a Marxist conspiracy.
Obama Rewrites Obamacare..
GOP: That is illegal once it's approved. Will go to Supreme Court?
eer Banned in Iceland until 1989
The country was afraid their people would buy beer instead of their "Ice Cola" where most were employed!
Teenage con artist accused of stealing nearly $30,000 from Walmart
He apparently studied the Madoff Method of Thievery!
GOP to advance 'clean' debt limit hike
But just you wait till the next time this comes up! Then we will stand our ground!
True Facts From Snoops #088
According to Snoops: The expression, "Calories don't count on your birthday" is true but only on kids. They get sick from eating so much cake and sweets that it all comes back out later at both ends.
True Facts From Snoops #778
According to Snoops: Mother Teresa's sister played Auntie Wainwright on "Last of the Summer Wine".
68 Year Old Grandma Looks 26!
Except from the neck down. She'll going to get gobbler chins fixed next but says she can't afford the works. Make a pretty nun.
Zombie That Terrorised New Orleans Caught
Apparently it's William Rehnquist that was on the Supreme Court. "No wonder he kept outsmarting us", says Police Spokesman.
Al-Qaida in U.S. Discovered!
"They didn't think we had bugged the Boy Scouts of America, but we did", says Home Security agent. "You're looking good, this morning Mrs. Cleaver."
Cockroach Stuck in Iran Leaders Ear
"Go ahead. Start a nuclear war. You'll be a hero." (to us).
Man Having Fun With Mime!
Places $50 bill just outside his invisible cube. He's still thinking about it as crowd gathers.
Microwaving burger from fast food restaurant for two hours doesn't change it except to make it taste better.
Hollywood Film Slump May Create Changes
We're thinking about doing mostly cartoons and fire all the writers and make action films where, instead of a plot, have two half-naked women just shoot at each other for two hours.
Psychiatrist Trying to Help
Don't think of it as a hump on your back. Find you a wife that loves to hump.
True Facts From Snoops #152
Many Lobster fishermen in Maine lose their lives and drown in the ocean if a storm hits suddenly. They are usually eaten by lobsters. The Balance of Nature! Isn't it beautiful?
True Facts From Snoops #602
According to Snoops: Although it was thought cute at the time, the descendents of Douglas Fairbanks Jr object to people calling him "Fairy".
True Facts From Snoops #183
Snoops: The man that played King Kong was actually holding a doll in his hand which was supposed to be Fat Wray. Also, when he was finally shot off the Empire State Building, he was caught by firemen.
True Facts From Snoops #612
According to Snoops: Not only has President Obama won a Peace Prize his first year in office, he's now won the "Diddly Squat" award for the last 4 years!
U.S. Now Ranked 4th in Medals
However, we're only behind Russia in spying!
President Changes Slogan
From "It wasn't me" to "I don't care, I'm leaving anyway"
Obama and Hollande Caught Having a Feast
"Michelle is going to kill me if she sees this."
Temps Warm Enough For Summer Olympics!
We should have held them here..in Atlanta!
Individuals Fighting Back Over Spies
A lot of people around the country have been making up new codes of writing about themselves. "A billion codes are going to take a while and we change ours every month."
Revelations by AOL Boss Raise Fears Over Privacy.
"We're onto you on internet and opening your mail also."
IRS Commish Warns of 'Extensive Wait Times' for Phone Assistance.
"There must be half a dozen agents from organization recording what you say."
President Directly Violates Text of Affordable Care Act...
"I don't care, I tell you. I am out of here in two years." Some hint sooner if we can get an impeachment started.
Denver Clarifies Rules For MHC
"The Mile High Club cannot just be those couples having sex after a joint, even though this is the Mile High City. You have to be on a plane."
Putin Putting Up With Gays At Olympics #3
Putin tells gay guy who hugged him, "be out of her before the closing ceremony or you're in Prison."
Putin Putting Up With Gays At Olympics #2
Putin appeared with wig, red lipstick and blue eye shadow. "This I a clown, not me", he told reporters. I'm now banned because no one was to report on it.
Putin Putting Up With Gays At Olympics
Gay guy at Olympics gives Putin a hug and big kiss on the cheek, then on the other cheek.
Pickles to visit Somerset Levels.
The Communities Secretary Eric Pickles is to visit the flood devastated Somerset Levels. He will be used as a flotation aid and it is the first time in his career he has been of use to anyone.
Farting in cars to be outlawed
Farting in private vehicles carrying children is soon to be made illegal. A proposal to allow farts 'if they are set alight' has been dismissed, although expected to be widely ignored by HGV drivers.
2020 Summer Olympics to be held in Toyko
....new Olympic feature to be called "On the Road to Sushi"
In Search of Ratings Rosie O'Donnell Invites "Methane Al" Gore onto The View
O'Donnell's return stay on The View will include a fumy contest between herself and Gore,recently designated as an EPA hazardous site. It will be a "Fart-off" with Babba Wawa as judge/gas assessor.
Charting Vice President Biden's Genome Reveals Noteworthy Antecedents
Scientists at John Hopkins report that Biden is in direct descent from a long line of village idiots stretching back to the Neanderthal era. The VP's primal ancestor was one Boouup the Nonwitted.
3 accused of mailing meth to Hawaii in dummy heads
That would be the Howard Brothers, Moe, Curly and Shemp!
China discovers Twinkies
company saved from bankruptcy yet again!
Billy The Singing Bass in Trouble
Billy The Singing Bass, just changed from bedroom to the hallway wall, sudden rendition of "Hello My Baby!" causes grandfather to suffer heart attack on way to the john.
NASA Twiddling Thumbs
thinking of taking up woodcarving....
Everyone in the world knows English now
Tens of thousands of English as a Second Language teachers returning home to the U.S....
U.S. Dollar Slips Again
This time it's against the Nigerian Bank that owes you all that money if you'll send them $100 today.
Jack The Ripper's Back At Whitechapel!
I'm sorry. That should read: "Jack Frost Blizzard on sale at White Castle, free with ten burgers."
A Poor Old Mangy Homeless Dog Teaches Congress A Lesson
Tells everybody to ease up on fellow Americans or I'll kill you off one by one. Or was I the only one who heard him say that?
Man says that he's sick of hearing about whether Obama Cares
That President needs to get sane first! I'm all sick, tired and worn out about it. Like beating a dead unicorn!
Massive Rollback at WalMart
WalMart has announce a massive rollback on the number of employees working their stores. Those remaining will need to work harder and faster. But free gum!
Expert Advice from Sleep Specialist
"If you only get 3-4 hours of sleep at night, one good thing to do is to be sure you tell everyone on the bus, at work and strangers on the street about it. They care."
Wise advice from your Uncle Mikey
"What you say to Uncle Mikey, stays with Uncle Mikey! Well, unless they get me drunk."
"Gee Willakers! A guy can't even take a crap in the woods without some idiots hidden night camera going off."
That one guy on the candy commercial killed on Police Drama!
"You just never know do you. Of course, my wife says I take TV too seriously but I try to keep a foot in the door."
Joe Biden Explains Iraq Success!
"Now that Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden, all we have to do there is get the Sunnis and Shiites and Kurds and some of those Turks sneaking in and out. Oh, Taliban and al-Qaida."
Texas Woman Kills Husband
"I told him I wanted ice cream and here he comes in with frozen yogurt! I couldn't take it any longer!"
Japanese Nuclear Waste Having An Effect On Marine Life!
The first Hatchet-Head Shark has been spotted by some beach walkers in Washington!