Spoof news snippets from Saturday 1 February 2014
NYC Schools Holding Later?
New York City has been testing a new plan that would make the average school day longer by over two hours. This has brought complaints from parents. They wanted three hours.
The Drug Smoking Mayor of Toronto
The Mayor of Denver, Colorado has announced that they now have a sister city, Toronto.
White House now says the Obamacare website will be fixed by the end of November
So see if you can find a doctor who will take a mortgage on your house until November.
Police have snippers in stands at Super Bowl
Instructions: Do not fire unless you're sure it's a terrorist...or Justin Bieber throwing eggs at players.
Best Criterion for Place to Retire Revealed
Says Delmar Sykes, "I just chose the place my ex-wife most hated to live and moved there. Its great!
MSNBC: Impartial Candidate Coverage
Poll Predicts Even-Handed, Fair Treatment for Democratic Candidates.
Senators Vote Down Senator 10% Example Tax
The final vote was 100-0 but will consider paying for their own lunches, limos.
Jerry Brown Declares February Free Pot Month
Commercial: Smokey the Bear says: Bear the smokies all month long. "Be sure to swallow stubs as only you can prevent pot fires!"
Japanese Robot Goes on Rampage
Tears half of automobile assembly line torn to pieces until it finally shorted out!
Rand Paul: I'm No George Bush!
Offers to show family tree, run blood tests, have DNA tested!
Kim Very Happy Man in N. Korea
He's just sent an order to Acme for two dozen nuclear weapons. Acme is apparently located in Nigeria.
Weather Disaster in Colorado
After an unusual warming trend, a surprise freeze Saturday night killed thousands of marijuana plants left outdoors.
New predictions claim that 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030.
Considering our national debt and droughts, I don't think so.
U.S. seeks death penalty for Boston bombing suspect
Could be forced to run Boston Marathon Gauntlet!
Gynecologists to treat Mormon
I'm sorry. That should read "Gynecologists to treat more men."
Sick Kids Denied Specialty Care Due to Obamacare in Washington
"You're not sick unless we say you are sick", say Sickos.
Liberals drink more alcohol than conservatives
These ist accordion to tha lastest steady! (I musk bee liberal).
True Facts From Snoops #913
According to Snoops: The longest anyone ever stayed in a house located beside Old Man Kelsey's hog pen was three days. As of 2014, 17 people and 28 hogs have made it but could stand it no longer.
True Facts From Snoops #485
According to Snoops: Gertrude Ederle was the first woman to swim the English Channel according to "The English Channel BBC TV Cable Network".
True Facts From Snoops #601
According to Snoops: The longest game of musical chairs lasted over two days and 17 fights. The eventual winner was later disqualified for ass full of steroids.
True Facts From Snoops #188
According to Snoops: The largest inflatable doll is a ten-foot redhead that loves to play rough and snuggle.
Historical dought in California
It's so dry here that one little area boy has to use a tumbleweed for a pet!
Cramp in Hollywood Vamp's Tramp Stamp
Commotion at the Hard Rock Cafe as tattoo seizes up!
Wading Pool Manufacturer Threatened by Drought
Vortex Aquatic Structures Intl., the world's leading manufacturer of kiddie pools, says if Calif. Baby Boomer grandparents don't purchase 400 million pools, as in 2013, the company will surely sink.
Super Security Takes over Super Bowl #5
"Let's see. I'm sorry Mr. Manning but if you don't have a ticket, I have to get a DNA sample."
Prince Charles slams climate-change deniers.#2
Climate-change deniers say that it just seems hotter for Prince Charles after all the scolding from Camilla!
Prince Charles slams climate-change deniers.
Climate Change Deniers point out. "See, Prince Charles is on your side. You have to be wrong. Look at his record."
Wyoming most conservative, DC most liberal in 2013.
"Are you kidding?', asks those in Wyoming. "We don't Dick Cheney shooting us in the face." Most DC Liberals in the congress and senate add to the number of Liberals there.
True Facts From Snoops #221
According to Snoops: The Purple Martin is actually red. Therefore most people refer to it as a Cardinal.
True Facts From Snoops #552
According to Snoops: Former NFL Coach Bum Phillips actual name was Bum Nickelsmith.
True Facts From Snoops #631
According to Snoops: Trick photography was use cleverly in the movie "Jaws". In much of the video, they used a big catfish.
True Facts From Snoops #409
According to Snoops: In pioneer days, wagons moving families west often made kids walk. It wasn't the extra load on the wagons but their constant "Are We There Yet?"
Transgender Candidate to Challenge Gay Senator in Maryland.
Conservative voters don't know whether to "sh*t or go blind!"
Pentagon: USA has no counter to Chinese hypersonic missile.
"We would have to use old-fashioned nuclear bombs for now."
Scope of human intelligence will expand 'a billion-fold'.
Scientists: We will start with that bunch in the White House and Congress. Probably Nancy Pelosi.
White House seeks drug clemency candidates.
"It will thin out prison crowding. We can release them in Colorado."
Woman possessed by demons in 'portal to hell'
"It all began when I went into that Portal Potty!"
Woman possessed by demons in 'portal to hell' house reveals new details.
Asks Movie Producers: Now wouldn't make a great book and movie?
Study: Liberals drink more alcohol than conservatives.
Conservatives favor lighting up a big reefer! Less DUI's that way!
Stocks Worst January in Four Years!
Many Democrats blame it on bad weather, many cows sliding down, breaking legs, etc.
Joe Namath: Human Body 'Just Not Designed' To Play Football
Admits Dealing With Brain Issues..."Remember those hosiery ads I did late? I don't."
F-16s prepared to scramble at Super Bowl
Ask Chick-Fil-A Commercials of cows parachuting onto the field not be shown.
Super Security Takes over Super Bowl #4
Instead of players coming through a big ring to the field, they will come onto the field through a Security x-ray machine. Then will put on shoes after getting to their bench.
Super Security Takes over Super Bowl #3
Peyton Manning warned that changing plays at the line of scrimmage, using the audible "Obama" would not be a good choice.
Super Security Takes over Super Bowl #2
Snipers in the stands ordered that at any time they see two numbers the same on any one team, blast away. You have a 50/50 chance of getting the terrorist.
Super Security Takes over Super Bowl
TSA inspectors and their little x-ray machines are scattered about. One early mix-up has TSA arresting two policemen for carrying weapons.
Shaun the Sheep Newest Sleep Inducing Czar
The World Assoc. of Sleep Medicine confirmed today that more people than ever before are counting Shaun the Sheep to get to sleep. Shirley, Shaun's rotund cohort, came in first runner-up.
Punxsutawney Phil Refuses to Emerge
PUNXSUTAWNEY, PENNSYLVANNIA - Ye ole groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, has sent word by his publicist that he will not be emerging from his cozy burrow this year due to the unusually inclement weather.
Paper Mache Artist Rushed to Mount Rushmore
An undisclosed government source reported today that due to lack of funds, a paper mache artist has been rushed to Mount Rushmore to add President Obama's bust to the monument before anyone notices.
VA Surpasses AA in 2013
The Center for Disease Control reported today that for the 1st time a new social disease, vampire addiction, has surpassed alcoholism in young adults. Membership in Vampires Anonymous is skyrocketing.
Trading Places Reality T.V. Show Hits Major Snag!
A new reality T.V. show which features middle class workers trading places with welfare recipients has hit a snag.The goal was for understanding between the two, but now the workers won't switch back.
Weiner Tweeting It Again
Anthony Weiner, Sex Tweeter Extraordinare has been at it again. Amanda Knox's legal team turned him in. Queried about it, he quickly spewed, "Can you fault me for connecting with a hot, deadly babe?!
Another Cruise Cut Short
A cruise line official says ship with more than 160 sick passengers returned early to a Houston port because of a dense fog forecast & not due to illness. Anyone who believes that deserves to be sick.
Who's Up for Dems in 2016?
Hillary won't say and Joe Biden is just biden his time.
Sochi, Russia , Yoshi, Japan getting each others mail!
Another messed up Winter Olympics! At least there's sushi!
Justin Bieber was arrested in Toronto for beating up a limo driver.
Limo driver must have been a midget if he got beat up by Justin Bieber. Maybe a lady midget.
It's so dry that the trees are chasing the dogs!
Denver Broncos Fans Thrilled by Super Bowl Weather Forecast
Mile High City Denver Bronco Fans are jumping for joy at the potential blizzard conditions at this year's Super Bowl. 3 to 4 feet of snow and winds up to 65 mph will be like playing on the home turf.
God Decides to Bring Rain to Drought Ridden California
Despite a lack of appreciation or belief by mostly liberal drought ridden California, God brought rain Thursday & Friday. Reportedly, liberals are appalled that God did something they could not.