Spoof news snippets from Sunday 24 August 2014
DEA Tightens Rule on Widely Prescribed Painkiller
Barmen no longer allowed to prescribe Kentucky bourbon to pain-in-the-ass customers
Scientists say geckos rely on feet hairs and not insurance
Yep, Obama's Affordable Care act a total waste of time for geckos
Pacific octopus hold egg-brooding record
Hopefully it can now be transferred to a CD after digitising process completed
Colorado Medical Marijuana Business Facing Federal Hurdles
Whole State is too damned stoned to get it together to do stuff, man
Academics and Archaeologists Strive to Save Syria's Vanishing Artefucts
Mostly alien images of Bashir Al Assad looted from Aleppo UFO hangar
Breaking the Monkey-Suit Mold
Microbial scientists cock-a-hoop at smashing apart genome of penicillin-like fungus that plagues tuxedo wearers
Barbara Bush Has Whippersnapper Beat Up By Secret Service
Former First Lady Barbara Bush had her Secret Servicemen pummel a lad who had the gall to say he thought her tomb at the George H.W. Bush Library was very nice and he hoped she got to use it soon.
New evidence that millions of cows are living under East Coast sea
No other explanation for recent discovery that huge methane emissions have been found seeping from sea floor off the Carolinas
Michelle Obama Picked Up For Spousal Abuse
In shocking news it was announced that First Lady Michelle Obama was picked up last night by Washington D.C. Police on one count of spousal abuse and one count of using an antique vase as a weapon.
Cheap Viagra to be available on Obamacare
Discounted blue pills offered at 20 cents in time for the next US presidential erection
Terrorists accused of 'hijacking' the ice bucket challenge
ISIS renegades post pics of 'waterboarding' indigenous Kurds amid serious drought in Bagdad.
Loom bands tested for containing harmful levels of toxins
World Health Organization quacks admit nothing more sinister than cannabis, sperm and vodka traces found
Iran left red faced after shooting down 'Israeli drone' at Natan nuclear site
Turns out it was nothing more sinister than a homing pigeon
China a step closer to developing supersonic submarine capable of 10mph cruising speed
What's kept them?
San Francisco earthquake: California Governor declares state emergency
The entire 2014 Turbo Bud marijuana harvest may have been destroyed
White House sorry for 'President Obama sending three White House officials to Chris Brown's funeral' story
Meant to say Michael Brown
Superintendent Bends Girls Over
Superintendent Bass appeared at Noble High on Friday morning to perform a dress code check personally. Student Stephanie Stewart said the superintendent asked some girls to bend over.
Boehner Hits Obama For Bergdahl Swap
Boehner wanted Barack to trade Michelle Obama for Bergdahl stating that Michelle Obama would be a sizable punishment for taking Americans hostage.
Obama Names Tiger Woods Ambassador to Martha's Vineyard
The appointment is effective immediately, as intensive consultations with the new ambassador are needed now to deal with the most pressing international crisis: State of Obama's Addressing the Ball.