Spoof news snippets from Friday 15 August 2014
On This Day in 1957... Teddy Boy Billy O'Toole broke his leg by falling from a rooftop in Allerton Liverpool. He later claimed to have been drunk, and was attempting to get a new set of drainpipes.
Escargot to Go
Customers at 'Barnacle' Ben Bennett's Seashell Shack had a nasty shock when they were served snails instead of cockles. 'It's my knees,' said Ben. 'It's easier just to rummage around in the garden.'
A Good Old Day's Work
Workers at Pickwick Victorian Fair were disgruntled after being paid a groat apiece for a hard day's work. Owner 'Hearty' Joe Riley denied any unfair practice. 'It's the going rate for 1828,' he said.
Double or Drop in Crackerjack Toads
Following a recent fall in the number of Crackerjack toads, the Scots Amphibian Society have issued a plea for folk to yell 'Crackerjack!' every time one is spotted every Friday, at 5 o'clock.
Rowling is a Man
Rowling has confessed to her true gender. "Yes, I am a man... the hint was in my name "J.K Rowling"... I am soooooo sorry but I am Dumbledore, Queen of the Muggles, and always have been."
A scheduled portrait of Pope Francis that was to have been undertaken by Rolf Harris has been cancelled, the Vatican says.
UK Legal World Record
Schillings of London has been entered into the Guinness Book of Records as "the legal firm to have issued the most injunctions in legal history". They have issued an injunction against the publishers.
Health & Human Services (HHS) Announces Striking Plan to Reduce Medicare Costs
WashDC-HHS activated a way to slash Medicare costs. Replacing the "Death Panels" created by ObamaCare will be firing squads who shall shoot all those over age of 65, except card-carrying Socialists.
Kerry's Latest Israeli-Hamas Peace Negotiation Takes Place with Minimal Press Coverage
HoChiMinhCity,VietNam- Ambassadors from Fredonia, OZ, and Hobbitalia met with Secy John Kerry at his villa here to ruminate on a proposed cease-fire.The usual pleasant inanities were observed en toto.
FoxNews Viewers Tweet Approval As Greta Van Susteren Becomes Silent
Viewers were given a treat last night as the host of OnTheRecord tied her tongue into multiple knots, interrupting coherent guests with her ranting one too many times so that she was left speechless.
Martha's Vineyard Hit by Out-of-Season NorEaster Due Recent Atmospheric Condition
Island was pummeled by NorEaster gale force winds yesterday, proving again that Nature abhors a vacuum. Due to relocation of Obama Administration's Transparency Vacuum here, Nature responded on cue.