Spoof news snippets from August 2014
There were 217 spoof news snippets published in August 2014. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Theologians Confirm: 'Hell Is One Long Human Centipede'
After months of speculation, recent evidence from top religious scholars has verified Hell to be "A twisting shit sandwich for miles without end."
Stay posted to see where you'd be stitched in.
Harrison Memorial Tree Not Killed by Beetles as Reported
Classic irony was thwarted when it was revealed that the Harrison Memorial tree in Griffith Park, L.A. wasn't actually killed but had reached Nirvana and moved up the Wheel of Life.
Martha Stewart Promotes the Use of Drones
Style maven & ex-con's latest gambit is hocking use of stealth drones for delivery of her new creation:Survival Meals for the Apocalyptically Hip and Style-Conscious. A caveat:hazardous to watch dogs!
San Marino Declares War On Andorra
San Marino has declared war on Andorra because, they say, "We are tired of being the smallest country. Now we'll only be the fourth smallest! Next we're going to invade Vatican City!"
Dick Cheney and Newt Gingrich Engage in Never-Ending Quiz Game
Trying to prove which one of them is the smarter, Dick Cheney and Newt Gingrich began a ten hour marathon quiz session, in which no one got any questions right and they argued more than they played.
Too Good To Be True
Mr Christian Truman of Bucks was arrested today, for wishing a passer-by a Good Morning. 'I've never trusted him,' said a neighbour. Some people are just too nice to be genuine.
It's Completely Barmy and Bramy!
The 'Brassiere Brasserie' is the hottest new London dining experience. Customers are required to wear a brightly coloured bra over their clothes, before sitting down to eat.
George Zimmerman On His Way To Ferguson to Help Darren Wilson
George Zimmerman, who got off on shooting Trayvon Martin in stand your ground Florida, has announced he is on his way to help Darren Wilson, the Missouri cop who shot Michael Brown.
Kanye West and Kim Kardashian to Quit Show Business to Become Ministers
In astonishing news, it was just announced that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian have quit show business, joined the Church of Scamatology, and will become Volunteer Ministers in North Korea.
Barbara Bush Has Whippersnapper Beat Up By Secret Service
Former First Lady Barbara Bush had her Secret Servicemen pummel a lad who had the gall to say he thought her tomb at the George H.W. Bush Library was very nice and he hoped she got to use it soon.
Kanye West to Build Shrine to Himself
Kanye West has announced that he will build a large shrine for his fans to come and worship his great talent, and of course, buy Kanye merchandise!
NBC Fall Schedule to Include Remakes of My Mother the Car and Mr. Ed
The NBC Network announced that since remakes are very popular, besides Mr. Ed and My Mother the Car the network will have a mini-series of Kukla, Fran, and Ollie: The Later Years.
Lauren Bacall Left All Her Money to Her Children, Her Dog, and Robin Williams
In a classic bit of irony, when Lauren Bacall's will was read it was found she had left her estate to her children, her dog, and the late Robin Williams.
Donald Trump and Sarah Palin Rejected for Brain Study
"We regret that we had to reject Mr. Trump and Ms. Palin from our brain study but we don't have a microscope that can see objects that small yet," said the head of the American Society of Scientists.
'I am no pastry," Shouts General Custer Role Player
Forty-two year old role player Jason ripped off the buckles to his uniform in protest against constant misnomers to his character. "Do I look like General Custard to you? I'm a Goddamn American hero!"
Fringe theatre buffs are flocking to Edinburgh this year to watch a surprise first-time hit: 'Drugged-up Drama'. Every night, one member of the cast overdoses on caffeine before taking the stage.
Obama Names Tiger Woods Ambassador to Martha's Vineyard
The appointment is effective immediately, as intensive consultations with the new ambassador are needed now to deal with the most pressing international crisis: State of Obama's Addressing the Ball.
Michelle Obama Picked Up For Spousal Abuse
In shocking news it was announced that First Lady Michelle Obama was picked up last night by Washington D.C. Police on one count of spousal abuse and one count of using an antique vase as a weapon.
Ellen challenges Hillary
Hollywood lesbian Ellen Degenerate issued an ice bucket challenge to "friend" Hillary Clinton. "She's too cheap to donate money," Ellen said, "and she has hot hooters. I bet she has nice pokies!"
Chelsea Clinton "insulted" by NBC request
Spoiled brat Chelsea Clinton told NBC to take their job and "shove it," insulted by the request that she continue to intern at her current annual salary of $60,000." "I want more!" she explained.
Donald Trump Does Ice Bucket Challenge and Melts Away
"I've never seen anything like it-first his hair turned green and then he started to melt" said a bystander. "Just like the Wizard of Oz!" shouted another. Everyone then cheered for 2 hours straight.
Man Immediately Regrets Biting Both Ends Of Burrito
"I don't know what to do," exclaimed Marvin Lyell, as giant bits of beef and cheese leaked out the deflated wrap. Attempts at Macgyvering some sort of burrito hammock proved futile.
Israel want Gaza Strip as casino!
Israel are determined to get rid of Palestinians in the Gaza Strip because they want to turn the place into a new Las Vegas; money my boy, money!
ISIS claim victory over Saddam Hussein
ISIS are marching forward in Iraq and have promised to drive over dead bodies to reach their goal, one of their high-level victims is Saddam Hussein!
Martha's Vineyard Hit by Out-of-Season NorEaster Due Recent Atmospheric Condition
Island was pummeled by NorEaster gale force winds yesterday, proving again that Nature abhors a vacuum. Due to relocation of Obama Administration's Transparency Vacuum here, Nature responded on cue.
Reid apologizes for being a racist
Senator Harry Reid (D-NV) told Asians he is sorry he's a racist after making offensive remarks about Chinese Americans and the Washington Redskins. "I was Wong," he admitted.
Biden's Swiming Habit Causes Mass Desertion in Secret Service Ranks
WashDC- Biden's proclivity for swimming naked has caused a dire personnel crisis for the Secret Service.Ex-agents have opted to serve at the Gaza front-line with Israel than be exposed to "Loony Joe."
Scientific Testing Proves:
Fox News does make you stupid.
FoxNews Viewers Tweet Approval As Greta Van Susteren Becomes Silent
Viewers were given a treat last night as the host of OnTheRecord tied her tongue into multiple knots, interrupting coherent guests with her ranting one too many times so that she was left speechless.
Kerry's Latest Israeli-Hamas Peace Negotiation Takes Place with Minimal Press Coverage
HoChiMinhCity,VietNam- Ambassadors from Fredonia, OZ, and Hobbitalia met with Secy John Kerry at his villa here to ruminate on a proposed cease-fire.The usual pleasant inanities were observed en toto.
The Write Time
In Manchester today, Technical Author Jim Ravioli inadvertently embedded one MS Word document within another, and ended up getting stuck inside a Documentation time paradox.
Black and White Together
A new government bill was passed today, ruling that all official documents must contain black and white print every other word, in order to provide equal representation of colour for British society.
Singer Kiki Dee has been nominated as a Spanish Ambassador for chickens. When asked about the selection process, the Minister for Farming clarified that Spanish cockerels always cry 'Kikideedee!'.
Yoko Ono furious over 'John the Beatle' jihadi slur
Threatens to sue ISIS for twenty million squid
Angel lands in Manchester!
Argentinian Angel lands in Manchester as United fans hope for a miracle. City fans believe it is a "Fata Morgana" (I agree)
Balotelli learns Scouse!
Italian rascal, super Mario, landed in Liverpool only to find nobody understands his Italio English! He is now taking lessons in 'scouse' because nobody understands what the hell he is doing there!
Headless chicken appears on internet!
A headless chicken has appeared on internet, they believe it is a Man U player running around in circles not knowing what the hell to do next! Double Dutch lessons needed!
Wife of Scientology founder 'left $2.5M house to dog'
The Rev Rex Kennels said to be pleased as punch
Brosnan still hot 15 years after being voted 'sexiest man alive
According to poll of 5,000 senior citizens the actor still the nation's top heart throb among 70 to 85 year old women
Ayer's Rock Discovered To Be Balancing Weight For Planet Wobble
A tire fitter interviewed by our Australian reporter revealed yesterday that he was employed by God to balance the planet's tendency to wobble at 60 m.p.h by chipping bits of Ayer's Rock away.
Ft. Hood shooter seeks release
Nidal Hasan, the Army shrink who killed 13 people in his 2009 shooting spree at Ft. Hood, TX, asked to be paroled so he can "have the privilege" of joining ISIS. President Obama may order his pardon.
Shelale-Air belt up
Cut-price Irish Airline 'Shelale-Air' are to step up their level of service for their plush new Business Class. The privileged Passengers will be provided with seat-belts.
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt marry
Now that he's made an "honest woman" of Angelina, Brad says the "thrill" in their relationship is "gone."
All-male "bikini coffee shop" busted
An all-male "bikini coffee shop" in Everett, WA, was busted after female customers complained that the "cream" in their coffee wasn't exactly cream--not the dairy kind, at any rate.
Obama Dispenses With POTUS Title-He'll Choose a New One Daily
WashDC-Obama formally shed President as his job title. He chooses to be called by more "relevant" descriptions, as his whim dictates,i.e., Prince of Folly, Social Worker-in-Chief, Head Golf Guy, etc.
PM Netanyahu Advises Obama Not to "Second Guess"
Tel Aviv-Bibi Netanyuahu provides sage advice to POTUS, but he seemed momentarily to forget that Obama doesn't even have the ability to "First Guess." Such a lapse can be attributed to the Fog of War.
cracked genius, brilliant comedian, many demons, sums him up actually; sad day!
George Bush comes out of retirement
George Bush is coming out of retirement to finish of what he did not do, exterminate Iraq!
Russian separatists living it up!
As world media attention flows to Iraq, Russian separatists are having a bomb of a time because nobody gives a shit anymore about Putin!
Vietnam will never be the same!
Robin Williams RIP and Vietnam will never be the same again!
Obama declares war on Putin!
Barack Obama has declared war on Putin because he prefers to attack an enemy he knows rather than one who he hasn't the foggiest idea who the hell ISIS are!
Fellaini bags last minute Brussel Sprout!
Man Utd were saved by a much maligned Belgian who in the last minute bagged a Brussel sprout and shot down a bunch of Oranges. Idiots jeering his every move also were made to swallow their crap!!
SeaWorld's plans on the rebound amid controversy
Maybe swapping orcas and killer whales for trillions of newly hatched anchovies not such a smart idea
Like a pus-filled zit on Iraq's backside
Prince Charles lays on the compliments at Islamic State militants
Breaking the Monkey-Suit Mold
Microbial scientists cock-a-hoop at smashing apart genome of penicillin-like fungus that plagues tuxedo wearers
Dog News: Poodle in your kitchen pretty sure that sandwich you're making is for him
He's watching your every move, hoping for extra mayo and maybe some plain potato chips.
President Obama Gone "Squatchin" For The Weekend
Reliable sources indicate the President has left Washington for the weekend. "Its past time we try to reach out to Bigfoot. I am focusing all of my attention on finding the truth," explained Barack.
Health & Human Services (HHS) Announces Striking Plan to Reduce Medicare Costs
WashDC-HHS activated a way to slash Medicare costs. Replacing the "Death Panels" created by ObamaCare will be firing squads who shall shoot all those over age of 65, except card-carrying Socialists.
Double or Drop in Crackerjack Toads
Following a recent fall in the number of Crackerjack toads, the Scots Amphibian Society have issued a plea for folk to yell 'Crackerjack!' every time one is spotted every Friday, at 5 o'clock.
A Good Old Day's Work
Workers at Pickwick Victorian Fair were disgruntled after being paid a groat apiece for a hard day's work. Owner 'Hearty' Joe Riley denied any unfair practice. 'It's the going rate for 1828,' he said.
Escargot to Go
Customers at 'Barnacle' Ben Bennett's Seashell Shack had a nasty shock when they were served snails instead of cockles. 'It's my knees,' said Ben. 'It's easier just to rummage around in the garden.'
On This Day in 1957... Teddy Boy Billy O'Toole broke his leg by falling from a rooftop in Allerton Liverpool. He later claimed to have been drunk, and was attempting to get a new set of drainpipes.
Bean There Before
Apprentice Bob Cornflakes returned to college after a wasted week of work experience at 'Dozier & Dozier' Lawyers Inc. He only got to make coffee. 'I want to be a Barrister,' he said, 'not a Barista'.
Pickles the cat got a fright when she caught hold of a loose piece of string hanging in the garden. It turned out to be a kite rope. The wind picked up and Pickles flew off, landing 5 miles from home.
Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin are dating?
More like radio carbon dating, that!s how ancient the rumor is.
Harvey Weinstein: Funny man Williams made everybody else's life so good
Especially the divorce lawyers, thousand bucks an hour shrinks and now bereavement counsellors
Heat wave power outage tragedy as milk bank overflows with breast milk
Anyone for organic yoghurt instead?
Plea entered as Wisconsin girl, 13, arrested for driving drunk
Not guilty your honor the young lady was just giving her Pa a ride to the downtown liquor store
Obama: Forking out for college education a pain in the ass for too many
Except for Malia and Sasha's trust fund accounts
Texas Governor Rick Perry indicted on felony charges
Talk about abuse of orifice!
Fracking go ahead at Pittsburgh International Airport
Half a billion dollars of industrial methane just sitting waiting to be grabbed
Downton Abbey, what's wrong with this picture?
Nothing wrong with the picture, it's just the show that's a pile of crap
Toddlers: are they safe at 30,000 ft?
About as safe as that failed Underpants Bomber if United air crew are to be believed
Russian cargo looks suspicious near Ukraine border
Something strange about those exotic cooking smells wafting from inside the trucks' tarpaulin
At Louis police department armed with military-style equipment
Just seen rocket launchers, cruise missals and hand grenades making their Saturday night debut
Roy Yamaguchi's secret? Hawaiian zest!
Just sprinkle on your favorite nibble but don't forget the condom first!
Incredible map of Twitter reaction charts people's response about stuff
One born every minute I say
People with low confidence and self-esteem issues more likely to boast about their relationships on FarceBook
Yeah, so what else is new?
"Don't call me Dick!"
According to reaserchers pressures made Richard III 'Hit The Booze',"to right, he also enjoyed the odd 'spliff', deep fried Mars Bars and Breaking Bad! Mind you, he was total shit a parallel parking!"
Hide and seek?
Stowaway immigrants in British port container have been described as Hide and Sikhs from Afghanistan.
Alternative 'Disney' Aladdin: Wedding gift that genie wanted to give to Aladdin and Jasmine revealed!
Let's hope it doesn't turn out to be herpes...
Secrets of Heidi Kulm's Creative Arts Emmy Award dress
It's made from recycled bathroom tissue!
Christina Aguilera's babyfather to be named today
No wonder Rafael Nadal has legged it.
Katy Perry gets her nose pierced
Rhinoplasty surgeons reckon it should stop the nocturnal snoring.
Downton Abbey cast responds to latest internet virus
Entire crew quarantined until Ebola blood tests prove negative
Tribute to Robin Williams carries a powerful message
Don't mix bourbon and cocaine for breakfast
Three things Obama can do to make the US immigration system better AND rewrite his legacy
Resign. Resign. Resign.
NJ Gov Chris Christie reported facing mounting suits
Nothing fits anymore since he lost the first 60 lbs
Betting scam: No conspiracy says £58,000 winner Icke
David Icke said 'Its NO conspiracy. Just luck' amid claims he had insider knowledge of the 1984 snooker World final. When asked why he thought Ladbrokes investigated the bet he said 'Its a conspiracy'
Louis loses and Holland sinks without trace!
Dutch people are preparing for life having a loser at the helm of a once so successful, juggernaut. He was their last hope of achieving success and now it sinks in a North Sea storm, they need a dyke!
Medical examiner found marijuana in Michael Brown's system
Ok, Ok, there were also six bullets. Just sayin
Assange plans midnight flit from Ecuadorian embassy asylum
Cops say he's been watching hundreds of reruns of Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid final scene
Trash Talk bassist shoots down spying drone above concert
Witnesses say the drone was hovering over the moshing pit stealing fans' marijuana spiffs
Global Nutella shortage after hazelnut harvest declared a disaster
No wonder those crazy jihadis Re going cold turkey all over the place
Rafael Nadal pulls out early from US Open
New balls, please!
WTF 'Brooklyn filmmaker reveals importance of using suntan lotion'
Someone forgot to smear the danglies at the nudist beach again?
Human frights activists repel Brunei Sultan's hotel bid
Bad enough having his brother Prince Jefri's mega yacht 'Tits' prowling Long Island Sound
New Jersey economy may warp Chris Christie's presidential buns. Uh, run, he ain't got buns.
Accounting giant fined $25m for terrorist money laundering
Appeal lawyers will claim nobody suspected Brit royals of being on the Ten Most Wanted List.
Reporting blackout over Cliff Richard's police interview
Judge even bans anyone tweeting 'it's so funny how we don't talk any more', threatens contempt proceedings