There were 217 spoof news snippets published in August 2014. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.

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Theologians Confirm: 'Hell Is One Long Human Centipede'

After months of speculation, recent evidence from top religious scholars has verified Hell to be "A twisting shit sandwich for miles without end."

Stay posted to see where you'd be stitched in.

written by Cereal and Milk, 01 August 2014
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Harrison Memorial Tree Not Killed by Beetles as Reported

Classic irony was thwarted when it was revealed that the Harrison Memorial tree in Griffith Park, L.A. wasn't actually killed but had reached Nirvana and moved up the Wheel of Life.

written by Al N., 05 August 2014
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Martha Stewart Promotes the Use of Drones

Style maven & ex-con's latest gambit is hocking use of stealth drones for delivery of her new creation:Survival Meals for the Apocalyptically Hip and Style-Conscious. A caveat:hazardous to watch dogs!

written by Trinculoman, 04 August 2014
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San Marino Declares War On Andorra

San Marino has declared war on Andorra because, they say, "We are tired of being the smallest country. Now we'll only be the fourth smallest! Next we're going to invade Vatican City!"

written by Al N., 16 August 2014
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Dick Cheney and Newt Gingrich Engage in Never-Ending Quiz Game

Trying to prove which one of them is the smarter, Dick Cheney and Newt Gingrich began a ten hour marathon quiz session, in which no one got any questions right and they argued more than they played.

written by Al N., 19 August 2014
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Too Good To Be True

Mr Christian Truman of Bucks was arrested today, for wishing a passer-by a Good Morning. 'I've never trusted him,' said a neighbour. Some people are just too nice to be genuine.

written by Nate John Won, 19 August 2014
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It's Completely Barmy and Bramy!

The 'Brassiere Brasserie' is the hottest new London dining experience. Customers are required to wear a brightly coloured bra over their clothes, before sitting down to eat.

written by Nate John Won, 19 August 2014
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George Zimmerman On His Way To Ferguson to Help Darren Wilson

George Zimmerman, who got off on shooting Trayvon Martin in stand your ground Florida, has announced he is on his way to help Darren Wilson, the Missouri cop who shot Michael Brown.

written by Al N., 22 August 2014
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Kanye West and Kim Kardashian to Quit Show Business to Become Ministers

In astonishing news, it was just announced that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian have quit show business, joined the Church of Scamatology, and will become Volunteer Ministers in North Korea.

written by Al N., 22 August 2014
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Barbara Bush Has Whippersnapper Beat Up By Secret Service

Former First Lady Barbara Bush had her Secret Servicemen pummel a lad who had the gall to say he thought her tomb at the George H.W. Bush Library was very nice and he hoped she got to use it soon.

written by Al N., 24 August 2014
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Kanye West to Build Shrine to Himself

Kanye West has announced that he will build a large shrine for his fans to come and worship his great talent, and of course, buy Kanye merchandise!

written by Al N., 27 August 2014
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NBC Fall Schedule to Include Remakes of My Mother the Car and Mr. Ed

The NBC Network announced that since remakes are very popular, besides Mr. Ed and My Mother the Car the network will have a mini-series of Kukla, Fran, and Ollie: The Later Years.

written by Al N., 28 August 2014
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Lauren Bacall Left All Her Money to Her Children, Her Dog, and Robin Williams

In a classic bit of irony, when Lauren Bacall's will was read it was found she had left her estate to her children, her dog, and the late Robin Williams.

written by Al N., 28 August 2014
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Donald Trump and Sarah Palin Rejected for Brain Study

"We regret that we had to reject Mr. Trump and Ms. Palin from our brain study but we don't have a microscope that can see objects that small yet," said the head of the American Society of Scientists.

written by Al N., 28 August 2014
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'I am no pastry," Shouts General Custer Role Player

Forty-two year old role player Jason ripped off the buckles to his uniform in protest against constant misnomers to his character. "Do I look like General Custard to you? I'm a Goddamn American hero!"

written by Cereal and Milk, 17 August 2014
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Drugged-up Drama

Fringe theatre buffs are flocking to Edinburgh this year to watch a surprise first-time hit: 'Drugged-up Drama'. Every night, one member of the cast overdoses on caffeine before taking the stage.

written by Nate John Won, 19 August 2014
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Obama Names Tiger Woods Ambassador to Martha's Vineyard

The appointment is effective immediately, as intensive consultations with the new ambassador are needed now to deal with the most pressing international crisis: State of Obama's Addressing the Ball.

written by Trinculoman, 24 August 2014
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Michelle Obama Picked Up For Spousal Abuse

In shocking news it was announced that First Lady Michelle Obama was picked up last night by Washington D.C. Police on one count of spousal abuse and one count of using an antique vase as a weapon.

written by Al N., 24 August 2014
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Ellen challenges Hillary

Hollywood lesbian Ellen Degenerate issued an ice bucket challenge to "friend" Hillary Clinton. "She's too cheap to donate money," Ellen said, "and she has hot hooters. I bet she has nice pokies!"

written by Gee Pee, 26 August 2014
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Chelsea Clinton "insulted" by NBC request

Spoiled brat Chelsea Clinton told NBC to take their job and "shove it," insulted by the request that she continue to intern at her current annual salary of $60,000." "I want more!" she explained.

written by Gee Pee, 29 August 2014
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Donald Trump Does Ice Bucket Challenge and Melts Away

"I've never seen anything like it-first his hair turned green and then he started to melt" said a bystander. "Just like the Wizard of Oz!" shouted another. Everyone then cheered for 2 hours straight.

written by Al N., 31 August 2014
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Man Immediately Regrets Biting Both Ends Of Burrito

"I don't know what to do," exclaimed Marvin Lyell, as giant bits of beef and cheese leaked out the deflated wrap. Attempts at Macgyvering some sort of burrito hammock proved futile.

written by Cereal and Milk, 05 August 2014
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Israel want Gaza Strip as casino!

Israel are determined to get rid of Palestinians in the Gaza Strip because they want to turn the place into a new Las Vegas; money my boy, money!

written by Jaggedone, 12 August 2014
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ISIS claim victory over Saddam Hussein

ISIS are marching forward in Iraq and have promised to drive over dead bodies to reach their goal, one of their high-level victims is Saddam Hussein!

written by Jaggedone, 12 August 2014
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Martha's Vineyard Hit by Out-of-Season NorEaster Due Recent Atmospheric Condition

Island was pummeled by NorEaster gale force winds yesterday, proving again that Nature abhors a vacuum. Due to relocation of Obama Administration's Transparency Vacuum here, Nature responded on cue.

written by Trinculoman, 15 August 2014
Rating:

Reid apologizes for being a racist

Senator Harry Reid (D-NV) told Asians he is sorry he's a racist after making offensive remarks about Chinese Americans and the Washington Redskins. "I was Wong," he admitted.

written by Gee Pee, 22 August 2014
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Biden's Swiming Habit Causes Mass Desertion in Secret Service Ranks

WashDC- Biden's proclivity for swimming naked has caused a dire personnel crisis for the Secret Service.Ex-agents have opted to serve at the Gaza front-line with Israel than be exposed to "Loony Joe."

written by Trinculoman, 04 August 2014
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Scientific Testing Proves:

Fox News does make you stupid.

written by The Ruling Authority, 29 August 2014
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FoxNews Viewers Tweet Approval As Greta Van Susteren Becomes Silent

Viewers were given a treat last night as the host of OnTheRecord tied her tongue into multiple knots, interrupting coherent guests with her ranting one too many times so that she was left speechless.

written by Trinculoman, 15 August 2014
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Kerry's Latest Israeli-Hamas Peace Negotiation Takes Place with Minimal Press Coverage

HoChiMinhCity,VietNam- Ambassadors from Fredonia, OZ, and Hobbitalia met with Secy John Kerry at his villa here to ruminate on a proposed cease-fire.The usual pleasant inanities were observed en toto.

written by Trinculoman, 15 August 2014
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The Write Time

In Manchester today, Technical Author Jim Ravioli inadvertently embedded one MS Word document within another, and ended up getting stuck inside a Documentation time paradox.

written by Nate John Won, 16 August 2014
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Black and White Together

A new government bill was passed today, ruling that all official documents must contain black and white print every other word, in order to provide equal representation of colour for British society.

written by Nate John Won, 16 August 2014
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Kikideedee!

Singer Kiki Dee has been nominated as a Spanish Ambassador for chickens. When asked about the selection process, the Minister for Farming clarified that Spanish cockerels always cry 'Kikideedee!'.

written by Nate John Won, 16 August 2014
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Yoko Ono furious over 'John the Beatle' jihadi slur

Threatens to sue ISIS for twenty million squid

written by queen mudder, 22 August 2014
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Angel lands in Manchester!

Argentinian Angel lands in Manchester as United fans hope for a miracle. City fans believe it is a "Fata Morgana" (I agree)

written by Jaggedone, 25 August 2014
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Balotelli learns Scouse!

Italian rascal, super Mario, landed in Liverpool only to find nobody understands his Italio English! He is now taking lessons in 'scouse' because nobody understands what the hell he is doing there!

written by Jaggedone, 25 August 2014
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Headless chicken appears on internet!

A headless chicken has appeared on internet, they believe it is a Man U player running around in circles not knowing what the hell to do next! Double Dutch lessons needed!

written by Jaggedone, 25 August 2014
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Wife of Scientology founder 'left $2.5M house to dog'

The Rev Rex Kennels said to be pleased as punch

written by queen mudder, 25 August 2014
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Brosnan still hot 15 years after being voted 'sexiest man alive

According to poll of 5,000 senior citizens the actor still the nation's top heart throb among 70 to 85 year old women

written by queen mudder, 25 August 2014
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Ayer's Rock Discovered To Be Balancing Weight For Planet Wobble

A tire fitter interviewed by our Australian reporter revealed yesterday that he was employed by God to balance the planet's tendency to wobble at 60 m.p.h by chipping bits of Ayer's Rock away.

written by Auntie Jean, 28 August 2014
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Ft. Hood shooter seeks release

Nidal Hasan, the Army shrink who killed 13 people in his 2009 shooting spree at Ft. Hood, TX, asked to be paroled so he can "have the privilege" of joining ISIS. President Obama may order his pardon.

written by Gee Pee, 29 August 2014
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Shelale-Air belt up

Cut-price Irish Airline 'Shelale-Air' are to step up their level of service for their plush new Business Class. The privileged Passengers will be provided with seat-belts.

written by Nate John Won, 29 August 2014
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Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt marry

Now that he's made an "honest woman" of Angelina, Brad says the "thrill" in their relationship is "gone."

written by Gee Pee, 31 August 2014
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All-male "bikini coffee shop" busted

An all-male "bikini coffee shop" in Everett, WA, was busted after female customers complained that the "cream" in their coffee wasn't exactly cream--not the dairy kind, at any rate.

written by Gee Pee, 31 August 2014
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Obama Dispenses With POTUS Title-He'll Choose a New One Daily

WashDC-Obama formally shed President as his job title. He chooses to be called by more "relevant" descriptions, as his whim dictates,i.e., Prince of Folly, Social Worker-in-Chief, Head Golf Guy, etc.

written by Trinculoman, 01 August 2014
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PM Netanyahu Advises Obama Not to "Second Guess"

Tel Aviv-Bibi Netanyuahu provides sage advice to POTUS, but he seemed momentarily to forget that Obama doesn't even have the ability to "First Guess." Such a lapse can be attributed to the Fog of War.

written by Trinculoman, 04 August 2014
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RIP Robin

cracked genius, brilliant comedian, many demons, sums him up actually; sad day!

written by Jaggedone, 12 August 2014
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George Bush comes out of retirement

George Bush is coming out of retirement to finish of what he did not do, exterminate Iraq!

written by Jaggedone, 12 August 2014
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Russian separatists living it up!

As world media attention flows to Iraq, Russian separatists are having a bomb of a time because nobody gives a shit anymore about Putin!

written by Jaggedone, 12 August 2014
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Vietnam will never be the same!

Robin Williams RIP and Vietnam will never be the same again!

written by Jaggedone, 12 August 2014
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Obama declares war on Putin!

Barack Obama has declared war on Putin because he prefers to attack an enemy he knows rather than one who he hasn't the foggiest idea who the hell ISIS are!

written by Jaggedone, 12 August 2014
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Fellaini bags last minute Brussel Sprout!

Man Utd were saved by a much maligned Belgian who in the last minute bagged a Brussel sprout and shot down a bunch of Oranges. Idiots jeering his every move also were made to swallow their crap!!

written by Jaggedone, 13 August 2014
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SeaWorld's plans on the rebound amid controversy

Maybe swapping orcas and killer whales for trillions of newly hatched anchovies not such a smart idea

written by queen mudder, 16 August 2014
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Like a pus-filled zit on Iraq's backside

Prince Charles lays on the compliments at Islamic State militants

written by queen mudder, 17 August 2014
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Breaking the Monkey-Suit Mold

Microbial scientists cock-a-hoop at smashing apart genome of penicillin-like fungus that plagues tuxedo wearers

written by queen mudder, 24 August 2014
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Dog News: Poodle in your kitchen pretty sure that sandwich you're making is for him

He's watching your every move, hoping for extra mayo and maybe some plain potato chips.

written by Moe Nightwalker, 22 August 2014
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President Obama Gone "Squatchin" For The Weekend

Reliable sources indicate the President has left Washington for the weekend. "Its past time we try to reach out to Bigfoot. I am focusing all of my attention on finding the truth," explained Barack.

written by Jaime Tyler, 14 August 2014
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Health & Human Services (HHS) Announces Striking Plan to Reduce Medicare Costs

WashDC-HHS activated a way to slash Medicare costs. Replacing the "Death Panels" created by ObamaCare will be firing squads who shall shoot all those over age of 65, except card-carrying Socialists.

written by Trinculoman, 15 August 2014
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Double or Drop in Crackerjack Toads

Following a recent fall in the number of Crackerjack toads, the Scots Amphibian Society have issued a plea for folk to yell 'Crackerjack!' every time one is spotted every Friday, at 5 o'clock.

written by Nate John Won, 15 August 2014
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A Good Old Day's Work

Workers at Pickwick Victorian Fair were disgruntled after being paid a groat apiece for a hard day's work. Owner 'Hearty' Joe Riley denied any unfair practice. 'It's the going rate for 1828,' he said.

written by Nate John Won, 15 August 2014
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Escargot to Go

Customers at 'Barnacle' Ben Bennett's Seashell Shack had a nasty shock when they were served snails instead of cockles. 'It's my knees,' said Ben. 'It's easier just to rummage around in the garden.'

written by Nate John Won, 15 August 2014
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Pipe Dreams

On This Day in 1957... Teddy Boy Billy O'Toole broke his leg by falling from a rooftop in Allerton Liverpool. He later claimed to have been drunk, and was attempting to get a new set of drainpipes.

written by Nate John Won, 15 August 2014
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Bean There Before

Apprentice Bob Cornflakes returned to college after a wasted week of work experience at 'Dozier & Dozier' Lawyers Inc. He only got to make coffee. 'I want to be a Barrister,' he said, 'not a Barista'.

written by Nate John Won, 16 August 2014
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Kite-e-Kat

Pickles the cat got a fright when she caught hold of a loose piece of string hanging in the garden. It turned out to be a kite rope. The wind picked up and Pickles flew off, landing 5 miles from home.

written by Nate John Won, 16 August 2014
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Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin are dating?

More like radio carbon dating, that!s how ancient the rumor is.

written by queen mudder, 16 August 2014
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Harvey Weinstein: Funny man Williams made everybody else's life so good

Especially the divorce lawyers, thousand bucks an hour shrinks and now bereavement counsellors

written by queen mudder, 16 August 2014
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Heat wave power outage tragedy as milk bank overflows with breast milk

Anyone for organic yoghurt instead?

written by queen mudder, 16 August 2014
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Plea entered as Wisconsin girl, 13, arrested for driving drunk

Not guilty your honor the young lady was just giving her Pa a ride to the downtown liquor store

written by queen mudder, 16 August 2014
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Obama: Forking out for college education a pain in the ass for too many

Except for Malia and Sasha's trust fund accounts

written by queen mudder, 16 August 2014
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Texas Governor Rick Perry indicted on felony charges

Talk about abuse of orifice!

written by queen mudder, 16 August 2014
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Fracking go ahead at Pittsburgh International Airport

Half a billion dollars of industrial methane just sitting waiting to be grabbed

written by queen mudder, 16 August 2014
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Downton Abbey, what's wrong with this picture?

Nothing wrong with the picture, it's just the show that's a pile of crap

written by queen mudder, 16 August 2014
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Toddlers: are they safe at 30,000 ft?

About as safe as that failed Underpants Bomber if United air crew are to be believed

written by queen mudder, 16 August 2014
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Russian cargo looks suspicious near Ukraine border

Something strange about those exotic cooking smells wafting from inside the trucks' tarpaulin

written by queen mudder, 16 August 2014
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At Louis police department armed with military-style equipment

Just seen rocket launchers, cruise missals and hand grenades making their Saturday night debut

written by queen mudder, 16 August 2014
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Roy Yamaguchi's secret? Hawaiian zest!

Just sprinkle on your favorite nibble but don't forget the condom first!

written by queen mudder, 16 August 2014
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Incredible map of Twitter reaction charts people's response about stuff

One born every minute I say

written by queen mudder, 16 August 2014
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People with low confidence and self-esteem issues more likely to boast about their relationships on FarceBook

Yeah, so what else is new?

written by queen mudder, 16 August 2014
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"Don't call me Dick!"

According to reaserchers pressures made Richard III 'Hit The Booze',"to right, he also enjoyed the odd 'spliff', deep fried Mars Bars and Breaking Bad! Mind you, he was total shit a parallel parking!"

written by Herrdoktorfox, 17 August 2014
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Hide and seek?

Stowaway immigrants in British port container have been described as Hide and Sikhs from Afghanistan.

written by queen mudder, 17 August 2014
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Alternative 'Disney' Aladdin: Wedding gift that genie wanted to give to Aladdin and Jasmine revealed!

Let's hope it doesn't turn out to be herpes...

written by queen mudder, 17 August 2014
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Secrets of Heidi Kulm's Creative Arts Emmy Award dress

It's made from recycled bathroom tissue!

written by queen mudder, 17 August 2014
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Christina Aguilera's babyfather to be named today

No wonder Rafael Nadal has legged it.

written by queen mudder, 17 August 2014
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Katy Perry gets her nose pierced

Rhinoplasty surgeons reckon it should stop the nocturnal snoring.

written by queen mudder, 17 August 2014
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Downton Abbey cast responds to latest internet virus

Entire crew quarantined until Ebola blood tests prove negative

written by queen mudder, 17 August 2014
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Tribute to Robin Williams carries a powerful message

Don't mix bourbon and cocaine for breakfast

written by queen mudder, 17 August 2014
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Three things Obama can do to make the US immigration system better AND rewrite his legacy

Resign. Resign. Resign.

written by queen mudder, 17 August 2014
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NJ Gov Chris Christie reported facing mounting suits

Nothing fits anymore since he lost the first 60 lbs

written by queen mudder, 17 August 2014
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Betting scam: No conspiracy says £58,000 winner Icke

David Icke said 'Its NO conspiracy. Just luck' amid claims he had insider knowledge of the 1984 snooker World final. When asked why he thought Ladbrokes investigated the bet he said 'Its a conspiracy'

written by dr. john leslie breaknik, 18 August 2014
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Louis loses and Holland sinks without trace!

Dutch people are preparing for life having a loser at the helm of a once so successful, juggernaut. He was their last hope of achieving success and now it sinks in a North Sea storm, they need a dyke!

written by Jaggedone, 18 August 2014
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Medical examiner found marijuana in Michael Brown's system

Ok, Ok, there were also six bullets. Just sayin

written by queen mudder, 18 August 2014
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Assange plans midnight flit from Ecuadorian embassy asylum

Cops say he's been watching hundreds of reruns of Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid final scene

written by queen mudder, 18 August 2014
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Trash Talk bassist shoots down spying drone above concert

Witnesses say the drone was hovering over the moshing pit stealing fans' marijuana spiffs

written by queen mudder, 18 August 2014
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Global Nutella shortage after hazelnut harvest declared a disaster

No wonder those crazy jihadis Re going cold turkey all over the place

written by queen mudder, 18 August 2014
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Rafael Nadal pulls out early from US Open

New balls, please!

written by queen mudder, 18 August 2014
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WTF 'Brooklyn filmmaker reveals importance of using suntan lotion'

Someone forgot to smear the danglies at the nudist beach again?

written by queen mudder, 18 August 2014
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Human frights activists repel Brunei Sultan's hotel bid

Bad enough having his brother Prince Jefri's mega yacht 'Tits' prowling Long Island Sound

written by queen mudder, 18 August 2014
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Bum deal

New Jersey economy may warp Chris Christie's presidential buns. Uh, run, he ain't got buns.

written by queen mudder, 18 August 2014
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Accounting giant fined $25m for terrorist money laundering

Appeal lawyers will claim nobody suspected Brit royals of being on the Ten Most Wanted List.

written by queen mudder, 18 August 2014
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Reporting blackout over Cliff Richard's police interview

Judge even bans anyone tweeting 'it's so funny how we don't talk any more', threatens contempt proceedings

written by queen mudder, 18 August 2014
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