Spoof news snippets from April 2014
There were 1,252 spoof news snippets published in April 2014. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Lois Lerner is Going to the Internet to Raise Funds for Her Legal Expenses
Lerner, Queen of Taking the 5th while Subverting the 1st, is desparate to raise money for escalating legal bills. She's opened a 'Lois Takes It Off' website but only customer signed up is Larry King.
Latest Regulatory Decree from Health & Human Services (HHS) Mandates Daily Treading
WashDC-HHS Dept. decreed today it is mandatory that every US citizen--regardless of age--must walk, run, or skip 10,000 steps per day. The newly created Pedostapo Police Force will enforce compliance.
A New Bill O'Reilly Book is Rumored to be in the Works
New York-Rumors abound in publishing circles that a new O'Reilly book is in process.Entitled "The Day Bill O'Reilly Died," it is a joint effort by Bill Maher and Rachel Madow & Chris Matthews of MSNBC
Secretary of State Kerry Urges Release of Israeli Spy Pollard for Suspect Peace Deal
Sen John McCain offers an alternative--swapping Kerry for Israeli PM Netanyahu. It'd be a useful trade:the Israelis get a field target for Palestinians, and the US gets a world leader with some balls.
Putin's Pre-Obama Call Snack Consumption Routine
Putin eats a gamey Caucausus Fox burger laced with chopped garlic, Siberian onions, and raw horseradish before any US Hotline call, so he's ready to belch a response to every statement from Obama.
National Institute of Abhorrent Behavior (NIAB) to Study Cable News Anchors
Boston-Dr. Felix Noodlesorter of NAIB received a LooneyToonery grant to study the behavioral traits of those who anchor cable news shows. Prime subject for scrutiny is Wacky Chris Matthews of MSNBC,
Michael Moore's Latest Film in Current Previews
Conspiracy sniffer-head Moore has cinematically digitized his latest gambit to expose a secret scheme in the baking industry. His Rotundity's new film is entitled "Wall Street Tookover My Twinkies!"
Madonna To Outdo Cyrus With New Dance
"Forget the Twerk! Join me in " The Screaming Meemies"!
Where am I?!?!
Help please someone where am I? why are you laughing Help me for god sake!
Obamafare is Instituted on all Flights
Dept of Transporation decreed a dollar-per-mile tax on all flights taken by passengers within and to and from the US. Recently named Secy Lois Lerner said: "Hey, we gotta get funding for the big O!"
Italy awards world's best pizza maker title to Australian chef
For his inspired Kangaroo Basil Compost Delight!
Front-line CIA Operatives in Libya Unite in Drafting a Mission
Remaining field CIA agents created a operations plan: Send former Deputy Chief Mike Morell solo after the Benghazi terrorists and see if his calloused-butt analysts in Langley can save his ass.
True Facts From Snoops #1287
Snoops: Chuck Norris actually knocked his dad over at three years old. He was running through the house at top speed when his head rand into his dad's groin and down he went.
True Facts From Snoops #1288
Snoops: It now costs three cents to make a penny. But it only cost on cent to print a thousand dollar bill.
Air Head Society Issues Latest Prognostication on Atmospheric Change
Roswell,NM- Recent proceedings of the Air Head Society concluded with their official press release regarding atmospheric metamorphosis. Society President Chic N Little is quoted:"The Sky is Falling!"
True Facts From Snoops #1302
Snoops: Basketball star Larry Byrd's last name was actually Byrdseed. Fan: He could really fly up and down that court.
Number of Starbucks Rise Again
CEO: Our aim is to have a Starbucks on every block of every town!
Today in History #7
Poll reveals that public approval of Vietnam policy is down to 10 percent. 1970
True Facts From Snoops #1230
Snoops: Because of the popularity of Dr. Spock, Mr. Spock on the first Star Trek was almost called, Mr. Spunky".
Wisdom From King Rootin Tootin #53
At the bottom of patience one finds heaven. That's true of Queen Hotsy Totsy. Dumb as a rock. But gorgeous. So what if she falls over a cordless phone sometimes. She's worth it.
UN fights texting and driving.
But nothing said about not paying for thousands of their parking tickets.
Employers: Obamacare to Increase Costs $5,000 Per Employee.
We have no choice but to cut number of employees!
True Facts From Snoops #1331
Snoops: Scientists still cannot figure out why people don't hold conversations on an escalators.
Today in History #3
In 1921, Iowa became the first state to impose a cigarette tax, at 2 cents a package, doubling the price.
Ex-CIA Boss Mike Morell Testifies Before House Committee on Benghazi Fiasco
Interrogated by House members about the substance of the "talking points" put out concerning the Libyan attack, Morell uh-ed for a moment and then said: "Oh yeah, my dog ate the parts about Al-Qaeda!"
Wisdom From King Rootin Tootin #68
Happy is as happy does. Well, Happy headed for the Happy House. There he should be very happy!
Wisdom From King Rootin Tootin #51
Queen Hotsy Totsy sure has a fine figure but not the brightest bulb on the tree. She's over at her sister's place so I told her to just fax me anything she wanted. She does. Puts a stamp on every one.
DOD Chief Hagel Not Available on Hot Line When Fort Hood Attack Occurred
Pentagon brass failed to contact Secy Hagel as reports of violence in Texas came in. Finally, the Sheriff of Gopher Fart, Nebraska, found Hagel cavorting with his prairie dog buddies outside his hut.
Paula Dean Invited Larry the Cable Guy Over for Her Specialty Dish
Dean slaved for hours preparing her signature dish, Possum Fricasee with Collard Greens&Pork Rinds.Fresh from an ATV Demolition Derby and mighty hungry, Larry dug in,spat it out,crying "Get 'er done!"
SHOCK: 86 Million Workers Sustain 148 Million Benefit Takers.
How you going to balance a budget like this?
Martha Stewart Making the Rounds on New York Stock Exchange Trading Floor
NYC- Ex-Con and style maven Stewart today flitted around NYSE broker desks, providing decorating recommendations for the traders' kiosks while collecting info for her latest insider trading gambit.
Patient Discovers ObamaCare Doesn't Cover Brain Surgery
Makes the surgeons put non-malignant tumor back.
"Lost" Survivor Reunion Show Had Been Planned
Hollywood-Rumors abounded in Tinseltown about an anticipated "Lost" Reunion TV episode. Apparently,it was not to be, because producer J.J.Abrams misplaced the list of actors in a magnetic force field.
The relationship with the USA is only special if Britain brings something to table
Uh, how about a spring chicken tart? Bottle of table whine?
Today in History #10
"Chicago Eight", "Indianapolis 500", plead not guilty, 1969
Republicans Block the Paycheck Fairness Bill in the Senate
Just another political ploy", say Mitch McConnell. "They have seen the pay scale for many years now. It's based on number of years like any company in the USA."
True Facts From Snoops #1262
Snoops: The wild antics of Chief Crazy Horse pretty much overshadowed his less colorful brother, Chief Stupid Ass!
True Facts From Snoops #1263
Snoops: NASA has found evidence of piss on the moon. They are questioning astronauts. "Who or what did it? Why is it still there?"
True Facts From Snoops #1264
Snoops: In three different episodes of "Barnaby Jones", other actors slipped up and called Buddy Epson "Uncle Jed".
Wisdom From Queen Hotsy Totsy
"Housework done properly can kill you. Except for the bed. "Do the bed work well and you'll continue to ring his bell!"
True Facts From Snoops #1265
Snoops: Your feet grow bigger during the day but not your hands. No one knows why.
Wisdom of Queen Hotsy Totsy
When I signed my name on the back of my drivers license about donating my body parts, I just assumed it meant after I died. I hope Tootin comes home before they come for me. He likes my parts.
True Facts From Snoops #1270
Snoops: The cleanest air in the world is at the North Pole but not when Santa returns and all the reindeer farts begin. Then it's in Tasmania.
Eric Holder blames race for their troubles.
No, most of your race and mine are honest people. However, many become crooks once they get into political office. Do not blame your problems on your race.
General Motors CEO Mary Barra Testifies before Congress about Auto Ignition Defects
Barra apologized for GM defects in their ignition systems which have been the root cause of several deaths. After mumbling a mea culpa, she added: "We'd like to get another bailout to cover all this."
Martha Stewart's Latest Home Style Gambit --Designer Yards
Style maven and excon Stewart announces her customized yard designs--herringbone, paisley, chintz, checked, and pale desert. Various color schemes are options. Special feature is Martha turning turf.
Today in History #5
The Gift of the Magi is published, 1906. Many bought a copy as a Gift to give to family and friends the following Christmas. (And received a copy in return).
Ex-Gov Jesse Ventura Rants About Malaysian Flight 370
Blaring into a FM mic that Flt 370 was hijacked by Tea Party and is being kept in Michelle Bachman's garage,he then claimed direct descent from Eric the Red,& thus is the "pure" mascot of the Vikings.
Today in History #8
Apr 10, 1866 ASPCA is founded. ostly for horses and farm animals which were treated cruelly by some. Expression, "Jackass" now also applied to some humans as well as animals.
Today in History #10
847 - St Leo IV begins his reign as The 'Lion-Hearted' Catholic Pope.
83 people sick on cruise ship
That's 3,984 thus far for 2014, 300 less than this time last year.
Colorado Pot Sales Dropping Fast #2
"here are too many home-made and home gown stuff out there in the public. Even doctor prescribed meds are causing traffic cops more trouble than smoking pot according to latest stats.
True Facts From Snoops #1228
Snoops: Confused priest in Detroit began his last rites over still another body with.."Uh..Umm..You have the right to remain silent..ahem."
Fed-Up Eric Holder Rips Congress #2
'And that's just their good points!'
Tech Sector Leads Broad Market Selloff
We knew it was coming. Too many props, say insiders.
Kirsty Alley Weight Loss Secret?
"They combined my small intestine to my large intestine and made me an all-medium intestine!"
Secretary Sebelius Has Resigned from HHS But Will Soon Be Again In Charge
Although Sebelius will be out of the HHS job soon, President Obama has bigger plans for her. She will be in charge of developing computer software to track all the mail the Post Office has ever lost.
President Tries To Pass Another Anti-Gun Law
What 18-year-old need a flamethrower?" Answer, new fireman out trying to create a backfire to control wood burnings. "We were waiting for that one, Mr. President", jokes Rand Paul.
Today in History #20
1924 - "National Barn Dance" premieres on WLS Chicago. Unless you were too old, young or afflicted, everybody in America barn danced.
"Come on all you big strong men!"
Predicted Christmas big seller for Boomers will be Country Joe and The Fish. While Country Joe is singing in the living room, the Fish are in all four bedrooms, "He's got himself in a terrible jam!"
SHOCK REPORT: EPA tested deadly pollutants on humans.
I guess there was some information about ObamaCare that was needed or that is being reported.
Mel Gibson Told Director Has Made Another Cut!
"I hope he's a eunuch. He's messing the whole thing up!"
David Letterman Says He'll Have To Try Harder
David Letterman says that he and Madonna have arm wrestled a total of 27 times and she has beaten him 24 times.
Today in History
In 1689, William III and Mary II were crowned as joint sovereigns of Britain: "William & Marry II 1/2"
Paul McCartney Said He Did Not Like The Names Fido or Rover
Paul McCartney says that he named his very first dog "Hitler" after his high school geography teacher Mr. Hitler Wickingwood.
Anderson Cooper's Secret
Anderson Cooper recently said that if he was not gay he would love to make out with Scarlett Johansson.
Sarah Palin - The Practical Joker
Bristol Palin said her mother named her after the motel where she was conceived; The Bristol Inn. She giggled and said she's just glad she wasn't conceived at The Ramada Inn.
True Facts From Snoops #1334
Snoops: Almost 50% of all public libraries have a nutjob in the back telling strangers about their ancestors.
Demi Moore Is Now Changing Her Tune
Demi Moore has said that she wants people to stop referring to her as a cougar because it makes her feel old.
Today in History #5
In 1979, Idi Amin was deposed as president of Uganda as rebels and exiles backed by Tarzan forces seized control.
True Facts From Snoops #1335
Snoops: The average number of toothpicks people swallow in their lifetime? Three. Mostly from laughing after dinner.
Today in History #6
Henry Ford marries Clara Jane Studebaker, 1888
Today in History #8
Dutch prince William of Orange flees from Antwerp to Pip of Tangerine.
Russia says reinforced military on border as precaution..
There could be aliens hiding there from other planets.
Attkisson: When I'd Begin Investigating an Obama Scandal, CBS Would Pull Me Off...
First socialism, then Government-controlled media! America headed toward civil war over peoples rights?
Special Ed Student Who Secretly Recorded Bullies Accused of Felony Wiretapping.
Only the government is allowed to do anything illegal!
Ukraine PM: Putin 'has a dream to restore the Soviet Union'
Western Europe more likely to unite along with United States if this happens.
True Facts From Snoops #1235
Snoops: The Honduras is the only Central American Country that doesn't have a volcano. They have to import all their lava lamps!
Pediatrician gets prison for 'waterboarding' stepdaughter
Washington: Where do people get all these weird ideas?
Wisdom From Queen Hotsy Totsy
During the late 1800s you were forbidden to take about sex in private. Many little children were forced to eat soap.
Another Scientific Breakthrough
Lab in Texas has discovered to turn salty sea water into human piss. "Not sure how this will benefit anyone but we did it by golly!", says spokesman.
George W Bush paintings exhibition opens Friday
Preview of Dubya's 24 portrait collection entitled Me And My Pals At Naturist Camp David has been hailed by the art world as a loada Jackson Pollox (sic).
Spiders prompt second Mazda recall
Spokesman "Those beep beep spiders are costing us a fortune plus we are becoming known as the "Spider Car" which most ladies will not consider buying, thank you very much."
Wisdom From King Rootin Tootin #52
Red sky at night, shepherd's delight; red sky in the morning, shepherd take warning. Red sky at noon, I'm starting to sound like a buffoon. And you know why? I forgot the ending to red sky!
Wisdom From King Rootin Tootin #54
A guilty conscience needs no accuser. You'll walk around for days mumbling things like, "Wasn't my fault. She should have known. Bullet in the chamber! Bullet in the chamber! Sigh. Oh I killed Granny.
Today in History #6
In 1961, Soviet cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin became the first man to fly in space, orbiting the earth once before making a safe landing. Two years later, they sent the next guy up in a rocket.
True Facts From Snoops #1345
When alarmed, Oprah Winfrey can swell up to five times her normal size. She was taught this by Dr. Oz.
Biden jokes about sex life...
But that's enough about me, let's talk about Bill Clinton. Uh-Oh. Is this payback for Clintons downer on Obama giving up internet to other countries?
Today in History #7
Apr 12, 1633: Galileo is convicted of heresy. However this was overturned in 1992 after a long long lengthy trial.
Biden jokes about sex life.#2
Speaking of which, where is Bill Clinton? Hillary: I smell a fat, Joe Biden Rat!
Today in History #11
1916 American cavalrymen and Mexican bandit troops clash at Parrel, Mexico. Or, if on the other side: American Bandits & Mexican cavalrymen.
True Facts From Snoops #1204
Snoops: In Greek Mythology, the Centaur was half horse, half man and half penis.
Roseanne Barr sheds pounds
Mostly brains. Pity because that was the worst place to lose weight, say experts.
House Speaker Boehner Grilled by Megyn Kelly on FoxNews
Maulin' Megyn poked and prodded Boehner on IRS Select Committee, possible contempt citation for Lois Lerner, and status of immigration reform. His Speakership was relieved to escape without a wedgie!
Wisdom From King Rootin Tootin #55
He who laughs last, laughs best. He who cuts laugh short, must go change his pants.
Studies: Lab-grown nostrils, vaginas working well
Men will have to wait awhile before lab-grown whoppers begin.
Biden to travel to Ukraine amid growing unrest
"I'll straighten things out. Tell a few jokes. Do a little soft shoe and soft words."
Drug boat found in California near popular Malibu-area beach
Washington: Proposal for eliminating building of drug boats being considered. "Without Drug Boats, there would be no problem", says Nancy Pelosi. "Probably sailed from Seattle."
Hidden ocean detected on Saturn moon
Also, what appears to be Cruise Ships being towed back to land.
"Noah" Screen Showing Called Off in Britain Due to Flooding
No giant boats were needed but there was plenty of mopping up to do after a flood forced a British theater to call off a screening of Noah.
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