Spoof news snippets from Friday 6 September 2013
Trim, Good-Looking 50ish Man Mysteriously Needs Viagra To Fix Broken Down Muscle Car
Seems like he used to be able to fix that car without the pills before, but he talked to his doctor about it. His doctor said he was healthy enough to perform light maintenance work.
Thick Skull Finally Penetrated
VP of $1B company finally heard suggestions and ideas from others. His wife and employees jointly announced the breakthrough today.
...no direction really
One Direction 'star' Liam Payne fire....damn it, I must use more accelerate next time!
Sex Education divides Nick Clegg and Michael Gove....they cannot decide which is the dominant one and who's turn it is to be on top!
Royal Mail to recruit 21,000 temporary Christmas postpersons ...few will be vetted so Great Aunt Freda's crotchless knickers are destined to go into limbo along with thousands of other gifts.
Senator John McCain Gives 3-5 Odds That He Does Not Have Gambling Problem
Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) was caught on-camera playing pocket poker. Many thought he was actually playing pocket billiards, but that is another story.
Both sides oppose do-over in rape trial
"Are you kidding?" asks victim. "I'll redo a kneeing I once gave a guy also."
13 may have deadly brain disease
Unfortunately it's spreading at the G-20 Conference!
Earth's largest volcano found
"I don't see how we could have missed it for so long", says scientist.
Indian man coverts to Islam
"I've thought it over and decided that I preferred 19 virgins over coming back as a jackass. Duhhhh!"
Full Water Cooler Blown Up Not the Work of terrorists
"I spilled my cup which I had placed a couple of alka-seltzers and it landed in the top of the cooler that some worker forgot to close", says Janitor.
Weiner Says He's Never Been Pierced!
"But I do have a big tattoo on my rear end if you'd care to see it."
First Amish Player Signs With Houston
Nearly 60% shooting average from the floor, 90% from foul line but refuses to use a backboard that is from the devil!
Free World Tour
Old couples placed on floating iceberg getting a free tour of the world as huge chunk still floating. "No more hazardous than Cruise Line", one yells at reporter.
Will Smith might be in those Independence Day sequels after all, and more
Also, aliens say that if Will Smith is coming back, they would sign also!
Learn Free Meditation - Easily Meditate In Minutes
Better yet, get free medication. Or learn your plants and then you really will see visions. Two-Buck Chuck has helped many too. If you drink enough, you become a great vocalist.
Russia sends warship with 'special cargo' to Syria
I hope all these great leaders today would leave the rest of us out of pissing contests!
Voters heckle McCain over Syria war vote
Why not heckle the President who will make the final decision? You had no trouble protesting Bush! Your hypocrisy is obvious!
U.S to train Syrian soldiers in Jordan
Seems like they already know how to fight as they have been at it for hundreds of years. We did this first in Vietnam 50 years ago did we not?
'Suspected' US drone kills 6 in Pakistan
Probably members of al-Qaeda, whom we would be supporting in Syria.
Obama orders Pentagon to expand list of targets in Syria
Why not let these people settle their own affairs? We cannot police the world, especially when our own country is hurting.
Manning ties 44-year-old NFL passing record
Apparently one of the biggest kidney stones ever, but he had a great game last night!
FA Chairman Greg Dyke calls for England to win World Cup
in 2022. In Quatar. In searing hot heat. Even though England can't win the tournament in Europe, or Africa, or South America. Maybe by 2022 we'll have learnt to score all five penalties.
Senator McCain, Sir Did You Just Yell Out 'Full House?"
Senator John McCain of Arizona was spotted playing poker on his iPhone during the senate hearings on Syria. He later said that he was actually monitoring his blood pressure. Hmmmmm.
Well So Much For An Eastwood Cougar
Clint Eastwood, 83, was asked that now that he is getting divorced if he would consider dating an older woman. Eastwood shook his head and replied, "There are no older women."
It Must Be Strike Happy Month
First the fast food workers went on strike for better wages. Now Walmart workers are on strike for better wages. What's next? New York City hookers go on strike for better wages?
Jack Nicholson Hangs Up His Cue Cards
Jack Nicholson retires from acting. Says he may ask Kobe Bryant to give him an assistant coach's position with the Lakers.
George Clooney Misses Stacy Keibler
George Clooney was asked if he misses his ex-girlfriend Stacy Keibler. He remarked, "Only when I'm alone in bed."
Kathy Griffin Will Remain A Redhead
Kathy Griffin says she was thinking of going blonde but then it would mess up her nickname; The Red Cougar.
J.Lo Is Still Angry At Her Boy Toy
Jennifer Lopez is still very upset with her boy toy, Caspar for spilling the beans on her return to American Idol that she has threatened to take away his stash of Twizzlers.
Is It Cold In Here?
Heidi Montag has said that the next procedure she is having done is to get permanently erected nipples.
Mila Kunis Wants To Hear The Pitter Patter (Soon)
Mila Kunis has told Ashton Kutcher if his old skank of a wife Demi Moore does not divorce him soon, she is going to be too old to have babies.
Chelsea Handler Does Like Da Brutha's
Talk show host and ex-carnival worker, Chelsea Handler is denying that she is dating the Los Angeles Lakers.
Seat belt savior
WORCESTER, MA--Dr. Amit Sharma always preached that seatbelts save lives, but was still surprised to see a would-be mugger get shot dead by one.
Obama: Chemical attacks make Syria top security risk
Then there must be a lot of security risks because a lot of us have them. Syria may have more, but apparently do not control all of them.
Video: Syrian Rebel Admits Using Chemical Weapons
Looks like Both using chemical weapons. Civilians caught in between as usual.