Spoof news snippets from Thursday 5 September 2013
Married Couple Making Homemade Porn Movies Arrested
"Apparently they were making people sick. Being sued for making one guy sterile."
Cave Writings Interpreted In France
Best we can tell, it reads "I'd sure love to drag her into my cave by the hair of the head. Ah-Cha-Cha-Cha!"
Kentucky Kicked out of United States Electoral College
Several caught in sting for betting on horses! Making illegal moonshine. "Which one's legal?", asked one former rep.
Fidel Castro Announces That He's Not Dead Yet
"I need a new goal. I've outlived all them Kennedys that were after me. Everybody says I must have been a billy goat in my last life and they may be right."
US/Russia Lock Horns at G-20
Al Gore: A good Cold War could slow down global warming, or at the least, slow it down!
Dennis Rodman in North Korea
Dennis Rodman Is has spoken to Kim about making his country a democracy and asked about having elections, Kim replied: "No problemo Dennis friend,I had three last Flyday before bleckfast!"
Teacher Dies on Field Trip, Trip
Field trip to Hershey's factory turns into disaster as one teacher trips and swallows more liquid chocolate than anyone thought possible. She was 34.
Emeril Lagasse Tried To Commit Suicide?
After "Good Morning America" audience member makes fluffier, creamier, richer mashed potatoes during show.
Advice From Lindsay Lohan
"Never try to put up a painting in your house unless you have a hammer...and some more stuff like a hammer. Ask your dad."
True Facts From Snoops # 65
According to Snoops: Those close to Adolf Hitler say that he could do a great version of Curly of the 3 Stooges although he looked more like Moe.
True Facts From Snoops # 225
According to Snoops: Stufflebeam is not the thing you hit with a racket. That would be a shuttlecock. A surprising number of people get this wrong: "How about a quick game of Stufflebeam?"
True Facts From Snoops # 663
According to Snoops: "Nobody named Rod, Ted, Bob or Jay have even been a Pope!"
Illegal Immigrant Lawyer to Argue Obama's Case For Bombing?
Trump: I want to see his birth certificate before we hear him.
Snake found in Starbucks toilet
"Which one?" "I don't know. Most snakes look the same to me", says spokesman for Starbucks.
Huge chain-reaction crash in UK involves at least 100 vehicles
"Thank goodness no one was killed", says American driver. "Lots of those people were driving on the wrong side of the road."
After Russia Accuses Anti-Government Rebels of Chemical Attack
Sarin traces found in Syria chemical weapons attack, British government now says.
What's Next, For Blackmailing Purposes Only?
WIRE: FACEBOOK expanding use of personal information only for advertising.
NRA joins ACLU lawsuit, claims NSA starting 'gun registry'
KKK meets with NAACP, We're siding with al-Qaeda in Syria. Talk about your "strange bedfellows"!
Obama suspends political fundraising to focus on Syria
"But nothing about playing/not playing anymore golf!"
There is no "Good" side, Mr. President
Advised by several in congress from both parties that U.S. citizens against putting any more soldiers in jeopardy.
Putin Tells Obama Not to Trust Al-Qaeda!
Al Qaeda 'Highwaymen, Kidnappers, and Killers'. (Oh My!) Al Qaeda 'Highwaymen, Kidnappers, and Killers'.(Oh My!).
Russia claims 100-page report blaming Syrian REBELS for chemical weapons attack
Kerry: "And how long did it take you to put that together?" Not too friendly, these two.
Weiner Has Gone Limp!
Tells reporters that he had a rock in his shoe and waited till he got home to take it out.
Astronomers: Super-Earth 40 light years away 'is rich in water'
If we leave next week, we could be there in less than a hundred generations!
At a meeting of world leaders David Cameron was ignored because 'he had no cards to play'. He was told to learn Patience.
"I Wasn't Thinking When Plans Drawn For January 1st!"
Million Nudists March on Washington DC put off until next summer, probably Fourth of July (although fireworks can smart.)
Doggy Pudding, the North Korean signing gorilla keeps pleading for zoo visitors to "Get me away from Old Loony Tunes!"
Now It's Firestorms
The Weather Channel has not only named Hurricanes and Winter Storms but are now naming Firestorms. Word is, if there's not a Hurricane soon, they're dead meat.
Poll Has Romney Ahead 55-45%
That's among the the "Out of Touch" who plan to vote for the President in November!
Vote For Harvey Simpson!
Among the candidates for the Oscar for Best Best Boy next year is a friend of the family, Harvey Simpson. If you can vote on this, please give old Harvey a check mark! He really is the best.
Anthony's Weiner gets into pissing match
New York City mayoral candidate appendage, Anthony's weiner, got into a pissing contest with another man's appendage in a Brooklyn bakery Wednesday afternoon.
Mormons Upset That All The Good Jokes Are About Catholics And Jews
Mormons complain that they're not fairly represented in the world of jokes.
Hunchback King Richard III infected with worms
Probably one reason Richard III was one of England's most despised monarchs.
Ortiz leads Red Sox to 20-4 romp over Tigers
"Except for missing that extra point", says Red Sox Manager, "It would have been perfect."
Furyk Left off US Team for First Time Since 96
Jim will be turning 108 come this Friday. Comment: "Young Whippersnappers!"
Samsung unveils new smartwatch that makes calls
By this Christmas you'll be able to change into Dick Tracy!!
Alaska town roots for feline mayor attacked by dog
Sounds a lot like our congress!
Threatening World Supply of Envelopes?
China says Manila stirring up trouble on disputed shoal.
Coming To Your Town Soon?
'Environmental Crimes': EPA sends SWAT team to Alaskan mine to check water quality. "Are you recycling? Look out for the 'Environmental Police"!
Monster tsunami could devastate California: study
Also, monster earthquake, monster wildfire, monster!