Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 4 September 2013
Chelsea Manning to run for President
U.S. Army soldier Chelsea Manning is seeking the office of President Of The United States according to the Federal Election Committee (FEC).
German spy agency sees Assad behind gas attack, cites phone call
John Kerry to Russia's Putin: "Now who's a liar?"
Russia's Putin calls John Kerry a liar on Syria
Kerry: "Who asked you, you big A-Hole?". Threatens to throw a chair!
Weapon of choice against al Qaeda, drones marginal in Syria
So, this time we're on al-Qaeda's side? We need some kind of scorecard here.
It's Finally Here!
Forget Syria, world economy! P&G to introduce lower-priced Tide detergent in the U.S.! Onward and Upward!
Over-Protected Home-Schooled Lad Goes Off to College
"Next thing you know, he'll be wanting his own bicycle", dad tells mom while shaking his head.
Beeper Goes Off at Rite Aid Again
"How many times do I have to show this year old condom in foil wrapper in my billfold when I leave here?"
Police Giving Chase Across Country
"Anyone we suspect driving under its influence, makes a bee-line towards Washington or Colorado."
Joe Biden Caught in President Obama's Chair
"Just making sure it wasn't bugged, Mr. President. I was giving the desk the old shoe test."
Report: U.S. Will Be World's Top Oil Producer in 5 Years
Will also be able to afford to look elsewhere to live, outside much of our own ruined landscape.
Telepathic communication on the rise.
Women say they can tell what a guy is thinking by the direction he's looking.
Makers of Twinkies Stocking Up
"The government has a special place to secure these, to fed the our people after a world disaster. They have a 50-year-shelf life."
Putin On Posing
Russia's Putin says there's too much posturing going on with leaders around the world. "I do that a bit myself, sometimes."
Mexican President Demands Info About U.S. Spying
U.S demands info about drug lords and locations. We can't help unless we know where they are. "We had to try to get it ourselves."
Many in Middle East struggling to understand Obama policy
Many in the United States Doing The Same!
Obama: 'The question is: How credible is Congress?'
As usual, President decides he can't make any decisions or take any blame for ANYTHING it seems!
McCain's Wife Says He's Getting Over-Emotional
"He cries every time he sees those dogs playing poker in that painting. I think one of them reminds him of 'Old Rex'".
Old Ex-Boxer, John Leonard (2-32) Replaces Doorbell!
"Ever time it goes off I hit the canvas...floor. I'm putting a big knocker on that door over there on the wall there."
Florida Drunk Excited
Drunk guy in Florida screaming about the mountain he has climbed is about to erupt, while standing on big fire ant mound!
(Par for the course! Wow!)
President Obama acts like he's got some secret knowledge that makes him smile during meeting about Syria.
....Porn in Parliament
300,000 'log on' attempts to porn sites discovered via computers within Parliament....proving once and for all (as if we needed proof)that the UK is 'governed' by wankers!
Weiner Put Down During Debate
Referred to by opponents as "Oscar Meyer over there".
Husband in Georgia Has Many Regrets
After leaving yard mowing for six weeks while he practices golf shots, wife leaves ten rakes in tall grass, all ready to be stepped on.
Where's Protesters Against War, Like Cindy Sheehan?
"Cindy Sheehan is yesterdays news", says Sarah Palin
Obama Prepared If Things Go Wrong
Trained crew will dig moat around White House, pull up drawbridges within three hours!
Kerry Claims He Made Some Progress
"I got PLO and Israeli reps to shake hands..but it quickly turned into an arm wrestle!
Man Forgets Mexican Coke Has Sugar
Chokes on first drink before coming out nose. "Great! Now that's a Coca Cola, without stupid high fructose corn syrup!"
Twinkies Price, Stocks Down
Panel accuse Twinkies makers of manipulating stock as Banana Flips may be dropped off market next.
President Obama Holds Two Morning Meetings
As first the CIA and then the FBI give him reports on each other! Next, he reads reports from several city police officers in ten largest cities.
Kid in High School Kicks 99-Yard field goal!
"It looked like a screwball", states delighted coach. "Never saw a football get caught up into a big dust devil before. It actually went through the uprights twice!"
Carnival Cruise Ship Stuck
This time it's in the middle of ten-mile-stretch of dead fish coming from Japan.
Those in Congress Opposed to Bombing Suggest Alternative
Why not remove citizens and bomb Detroit instead?
Study: Short but intense exercise bouts can prevent weight gain
Cause major heart attacks, set off fatal round of Asma. Both, of course, will still cause you to lose weight.
Eye Opener: Cleveland kidnapper found dead in cell
But even his former captives say they should shut his eyes.
Kentucky man finds a drone plane trapped in his snare. "Stupid drones drive away all the rabbits!"
Syria resolution sets deadline, bars U.S. ground forces
Congress: "Send in the Drones, there must be Drones!"
Iraq warns of unforeseen effects of Syria strike
"Ass Odd has many chemical weapons hidden in so many places they have forgotten themselves."
Swedes Choose ABBA as all-time recording artists there
Finish (no pun intended) high above second favorite: Bjorne Lööfa & His Jugband Yodelers!
Obama to meet with Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe during G-20 summit in Russia
Ask him about the hundred million dead fish headed toward the U.S. West coast!
Israel must give Palestinians gas masks: official
"As soon as we supply our people", says official. "Meantime we have sent them a truck load of Beano which they rocked!"
Israel police clash with Palestinians in Jerusalem
Both complain that they're not getting enough world attention with all that Syrian, Japanese polluting Pacific, etc going on.
Putin denies strains with 'interesting' Obama before G20
Asked if he used the N-Word, "Oh I used some much worse than that. So did he, if I remember correctly."
Vulgarian protesters demand..we can't use those words here!
Vulgarian President tells them............goes for you and your sister! (Can't use these words here).
Acme Denies Any Orders Placed There
"We have never received a single order from any "Wile E. Coyote" at any time during the past", says manager!
Bulgarian protesters demand government resigns
Everybody's protesting: Mary Ann, Ginger demand Professor quit acting like a Smartass!
OBAMA SEEKS SYRIA'S APPROVAL TO ATTACK SYRIA
Adds "If they haven't been watching TV for the past few weeks, they might not be prepared."
Teen: Store told me I was too fat
Manager: "We don't have a talking store. Wish we did. somebody might come here."
Fukushima hits new toxic high
Can we forget Syria for a few hours and concentrate that what is happening in Fukushima could eventually destroy all life in the sea?
Ariel Castro found hanged in cell!
Most want to know: "Are you deadly sure that it's not Fidel? How old is he, 150?"
Joe Biden On Any Large Attacks on USA
"We could hide several million people in Mammoth Cave's over 400 miles underground but not enough bathrooms in visitors area!"
Sarin Discovered Here In US!
Located by inspector who went the wrong way. "We got chemical weapons up the wazoo inside mountain tunnel. Just like Russia, China, a dozen others."
How to Find the Right Flu Vaccine
Rule #1: Make sure the monkey with the dart is facing 'Toward' the target.
Washington Getting Kind of Mixed-Up over Syria
McConnell and Reid agree that somebody should do something!
Ambiguous religion policy backfires on Tunisia's ruling Islamists
I hope you're keeping up with all of this. If so, please tell us!
Putin says could turn against Assad - if case proved
Germany now says they might join in also if rebels are winning!
South Korean 'Armadillo' car folds up for easy parking
On trial run, wrecks after collision with spider!
100,000 kgs of dead fish cleared from polluted China river
"We use special chemical bait", jokes local man who was immediately arrested & sent to North Korea.
Mystery mummy found in German attic
Neighbors say the dogs have been barking a lot lately, especially the past 4,000 years!
UK's Cameron: Syria will use chemical weapons again without U.S. strike
"With U.S. strikes, Syria will probably use chemical weapons also. Unless strike hits chemical weapons site then both sides will catch the chemical gas. Glad I don't have to decide!"
DeBlasio Way Ahead of Weiner!
POLL: DeBlasio runs away from Weiner in NYC mayoral race.
300,000 attempts to view porn in UK's Houses of Parliament
Average comment: "Is that all? Most of us thought of a million at least!"
Only Three More Years
That's all the time that President Obama has to be sure that every nation hates us!
France pulls back, debates strike
This is so unlike France to act like a rubber crutch.
PUTIN: U.S. strike on Syria illegal without U.N
"And I am in charge of the United Nations!....just kidding."
Cindy Sheehan Arrested Just In Case
Just in case this is another quagmire we're getting into!
President Obama Can't Take Biden Much Longer!
Aid ordered to war room for private message knocks on door and hears Joe Biden, "Ain't nobody here but us chickens!"
Could National Standard School Tests End Local Control of Education?
Most Superintendent response: You me WE have been in charge?
Obama to Congress: One thing you must know:
This is all the fault of George W. Bush! War protesters run back to Bush Ranch!
Mayor Bloomberg sues His Dog Spunky
over busting his ass after Spunky got trapped in closet and had no other place to go!
Elton John: I was a monster. I'm a better person now that I've got children
Being pregnant changes everything.
Historic: NAACP-KKK Meeting
The Hoods Meet the Hoodies! Most hope they don't unite!
Biosurveillance: 'Homeland' Plans Real-Time Data Feed to Monitor Disease Outbreaks
and half of mankind will die and yada yada yada!! Big NFL weekend #1 coming up!!
True Facts From Snoops # 118
Fact: Babylon Five was a great sci-fi series that many loved and watched loyally every week. However, most people don't realize that the original name of the series was Babylon Six! Can you imagine?