Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 3 September 2013
Mafia Expanding in NYC
Also, they have began threatening businesses in other cities after acquiring drones.
Daredevil Robbie Knievel Eats 25 Boiled Eggs
Breaks all-time record previously held record of Cool Hand Luke!
Assad allegedly hiding troops, weapons among civilians
Now who could have predicted such a thing? "Powerful" leaders hiding behind women and children as soon as danger comes.
Chinese Vendors Selling 'Pee Straight' Funnels to Help Men Avoid New Fines
Discover one man has two. "I have been fined till I am poor, he tells reporter."
Top general cannot say what U.S. seeks in Syria.
"If he wants to stop people from suffering from being gassed, he should go out west and see how many native Americans drunk along the highways near Wounded Knee!"
True Facts From Snoops #677
According to Snoops: Wyoming, the least populated state in the United states, only has 124 people and Dick Cheney.
True Facts From Snoops #90
According to Snoops: Over ten gallons of leaked astronaut piss circles the earth every three days, two hours, ten minutes and three seconds!
Dog Humping Bedpost Again
Husband: "Leave him alone. We can clean it later. Right now you go put on your best bed post uh P.J.'s!"
Recycling Container Abused
A container for H.S. students to learn to recycle has worked about as well as Michelle's lunches. "They put used tampons, condoms, food items, everything. We have to dump it in with rest of trash."
Congress Backs President Obama on Syria Attack
Look for planes leaving aircraft carriers carrying pressure cookers at any time now.
Playboy Tries Something New
Hugh Hefner never gives up trying out new things and now he has announced that the next issue of Playboy will have fold out breasts!
Miley Cyrus Has No Shame #2
Asks Dad if he was going to take her to the woodshed after her behavior at Awards Show. "Where she got this spanking thing from, I'll never know", says Billy Ray.
Lindsay Lohan Back in Rehab
After forgetting she was in Saudi Arabia and getting loaded in revealing costume and having her feet cut off!
The Greatest Generation?
Poll shows that over 75% of The Greatest Generation can't even let go a full deep-throated fart without having a heart attack. Doc: 'Let it ease out a little at a time, Joe'
"America's Funniest Home Videos Celebrates!
Just shown their 1,000th video of some poor guy stepping on a rake!
Dennis Rodman Back in North Korea to Meet Kim
Tells North Korean leader he is a B.M. to many here in the states, saying BM mean Big Man!
Navy SEALS Insist It's A Typo
One official document says that Osama Bin Laden was properly buried at Pee!
Saudi's Pass Strict Law
Slow painful death sentence will be given to anyone who says that Islam is a violent religion! King chooses two volunteers to show what will happen.
Fear of New Strain of Flu Causing Worries to the Elderly
'I don't think I'll take a flu shot this year", says 87-year-old Puss Bratcher. "They don't know what kind of flu will come. Plus, they all want us dead for our social security checks!"
Oman newspaper suspended for publishing article sympathetic to gays
"Oman look at my life, I'm a lot like you were!"
Boehner supports Obama military action in Syria
"Many Democrats supported President Bush in Iraq, I guess we are allowed the same mistake in Syria!"
True Facts From Snoops #122
According to Snoops: Only one out of 100,000 babies are born under a Wandering Star!
President Obama Says He's Had Enough!!
Then goes on describing war/no war in vague, non-specific anger!
Couple Married 50 Years Divorce!
"I found out that instead of going to the bar the past 15 years, he's been taking Millie the Gorillie to those nasty Bingo Games!"
Fat Congressman Can't Get Up After Falling
"Is this some sort of filibuster, Sir?" "I'll filibuster you if I ever get off my back!" "Too much pork, Sir, too much pork." "Order! Order! Order!"
McCain Not Making Sense
"If I were a squirrel, I'd much prefer jumping from limb to limb than go water skiing!" ('Yes sir, but I asked you about Syria').
First Cannibal to Run for Office Next Year
Naturally it's in Minnesota again. Candidate often looks opponents up and down, smacking his lips at debates, to unnerve them!
Wife Says Hyponotist Husband Killed Himself
"He was practicing over there in front of the mirror while I was in the kitchen and I suddenly heard him 'Pock! pock! Pock!, ran to cross the highway, I don't know why, and right in front of a truck!"
High school coaches in epic brawl!
Tell the Press later that they were just trying to breathe some enthusiasm into lifeless 0-0 overtime game!
Scientists laid off, step down due to budget cuts
Creationists: Where are you going to evolve to next, lab assistants?
Another Cruise Ship in Trouble
As a plague of locusts hit the buffet on deck of the Disney Cruise ship, Mouse One! (Note change of names).
Yosemite fire 70% contained
"I think we've whipper her", states Yosemite Sam with top burned off hat and half a mustache missing.
Gore Varying Speeches Somewhat
Along with his constant speeches against Global Warming, Al Gore has added a second cause: Plastic!
True Facts From Snoops #633
According to Snoops: Only one large spoonful of fried chicken fat in two dozen Chicken McNuggets and Zero chicken!!
Birthday Party Ruined By Two Twelve-Year-Olds
Birthday gal immediately tastes odd flavor in punch as giggles erupt from twins in the corner.
Bob Dole Makes Statement to Press
Bob Dole told reporters this morning that Bob Dole is in pretty bad shape, especially for Bob Dole.
Scientists Breakthrough? "Breathing the Cause of Most Diseases!
Second most cause: Drinking liquids! 3. Using toilet tissue.
Christmas Items Already Up For Sale!
Local two-year-old already knows what 'present' he is going to leave everyone!
Obama Requests Cliff Notes Version of Obamacare
Just to refresh his memory. "Republicans need to have a "Alice & Jerry Edition!"
Nations Surrounding Syria Building Giant Windmills
Just in case a U.S. bomb hits a sarin factory or rebels blow one up!
Conjoined Twins to Try Trial Separation!
Each says he has half-a-mind to go through the full permanent surgery but may try this first.
Gore Opts Not to Run for Re-Election in 2016
"I have too many people to see and plans to achieve to stop the Global Warming. Also, the Rush Limbaugh Doom Machine to complete!"
Pro-Syria hackers put anti-attack message on U.S. Marines site
"Your chemical-filled bodies will litter the land", says Syrian Sally!
Slow pace of justice wears down Occupy Wall Street defendants
"We'll get to you once we settle with these World War l Protesters!"
Interracial couples increasingly common, but many aren't marrying, U.S. Census data show
"My Mama would die/turn-over-in-her-grave if she knew I had married a black/white man/woman!"
Top-secret intel shows new level of disgust for Pakistan
I'm sorry. That should have read "distrust" not "disgust".
U.S. GENERAL: Obama plans 'more substantial intervention' than vowed
"Much stronger words on leaflets to be dropped."
Fifteen degrees in Alaska. New Summer Record! #2
"This should help our population growth in about nine months", says Governor.
Fifteen degrees in Alaska. New Summer Record!
As Global Warming reaches further north!
ASSAD: 'Show me the proof'!'
Where's The Beef? We certainly didn't take any of those pictures of us using gas. (Whoops!)
As Syria Heats Up, White House Nixes Briefs
VP Biden: "Too hot in here to wear any underwear, all agree."
40,000 Snippets! Where Has The Wasted Time Gone?
"Some of the best wasted time in my life", says Writer, who continues to waste his and others time by going to 40,001.
Israel, U.S. carry out joint missile test in the Mediterranean
First: Denial. Then: Yes we did! Now: Could have very well done that. Probably. A definite "maybe".
RUSSIA: U.S. fuels tension by deploying warships near Syria
"Where we have placed several of our own warships...which are there to calm things down."
The Belgian Beast!!
Moyes does have "cojones" because he's signed the "Belgian Beast" at last. But what an idiot he is, could have given me the 4,5 million he paid too much for Mr Fellaini!
Life Coach Asks For Full Payment In Advance
Gus Adamson, a life coach from Manhattan, usually just wants to get the financial details out of the way with his clients. Then he can concentrate on being his best self.
Arsene Wenger linked with three Transfer Deadline signings
1. A ghost
2. The invisible man
3. A.trialist (from Scotland - always scores goals)
Ronnie Lott Falls off the Pac-12 Network Set Following UCLA-Nevada
"This was a bigger fall than I ever had while playing", he laughs as he's carried off in stretcher.