Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 25 September 2013
Barack and US Press
Announced O'Bama today.. "For the sake of democracy and freedom, I have issued an order under the Official Secrets Act forbidding Congressmen and Senators from talking to the press. Or face prison."
US accused of blocking 'drone' lawyer
really boring guy, always just drones on and on and on in court...
Chelsea Manning awaits diagnosis in prison
fears docs have already labeled her as attention deficit troll
Treasury says Chancellor Osborne's complained over EU bonus crap
Er, second thoughts, make that 'bonus cap'
Chinese quacks grow new nose on man's forehead
Poor guy's already tried topping himself three times after they stuck it on his ass, his belly button and his armpit
Scientists say fish may not help with memory, thinking skills
Uh, WTF did I leave that smoked salmon I bought at lunchtime today?
Geologists discover Earth got oxygen much earlier than suspected
Some time during the Cretinaceous Period?
The secrets of restoring oysters in the Chesapeake Bay?
Dunk 'em in a glass of Bolly, the fizz will soon perk them up
Head of Aphrodite Statue Excavated in Turkey
Just WHAT was it doing face down in Apollo's naked lap?
Brit zoo bans 'baffling' animal print clothing
Yeah, the zebras started revolting at all that Last Season schmatter
Arts review: Die Schuldigkeit DesEersten Gebots, Wigmore Hall, London
WTF, isn't there an infectious diseases unit named after the guy?
Feds release CCTV of Navy Yard shooter
Unfortunately NCIS' Jethro Gibbs not impressed, blames Mossad's Eli David for tampering with the footage
Peru drug mules to plead guilty
Judge says they've already made an ass of themselves
China signs lease to rent 5% of Ukraine
Unfortunately that's the defunct Chernobyl reactor they're renting, should have checked the small print
Lech Walesa wants Germany and Poland to unite
Just like they did under the Fuhrer in September 1939
Brazil's World Cup stadium to be used as detention center after tournament
Thousands of Guantanamo Bay inmates to be offered once-in-a-lifetime chance of a Brazilian holiday
Musical based on life of John Paul II to hit London
Playing to packed-out audiences in the Jimmy Savile Memorial Theater
Sen Ted Cruz ends 21hr Senate rant against Obamacare
Proctologists will now examine the daft old blowhard for damage to his favorite orifice
£40 million pink diamond declared a fake
So back it goes inside a Harrabs Xmas Cracker, £100 for six
Kansas creationist museum to open exciting new wing
Sneak preview says it will be stuffed with 21st century global warming believers
Plastic surgeons on standby, please:
'Miliband's bid to fix fuel prices blows up his face' bwahaha
One million mums forced into hand jobs 'just like Kirstie Allsop'
Time for a new subeditor at the Torygraph broadsheet
Super Search Engine Announced
In a show of online cooperation, the major search engines have agreed to create a "super" search engine called Bingoogyavista which will soon replace having to do any kind of actual thinking at all.
Syria Makes The U.S. An Offer
Syria has told the United States that they will get rid of all of their chemicals if the U.S. gets rid of all of its trans fats.
The Most Famous Lip Syncer of All-Time
Britney Spears recently said that her lip syncing days are over. She then grinned and said, "But as for my lip syncing nights, well..."
The U.S. Casts Her Eyes South of The Border
The ongoing debate regarding Obamacare has really gotten bogged down in the U.S. Senate. Mexico saying that it's really no big deal has just unanimously approved Obamacare
Shock for the Media
An Opposition which Opposes!
Seeing the Light
Energy Companies threaten to pull the Plug but are told to pull the other one.