Spoof news snippets from Monday 2 September 2013
College Kid: Drunk Guy At Bar Last Night Really Smart
"Until I read back everything I wrote down last night and nothing makes sense. Like 'the fire department needs two life jackets', What's that?"
Longtime Librarian Confesses About Books
"Books don't take you anywhere. However, a good travel guide and smoking a joint take me to places I've never even heard about."
President Obama says Syrian Situation His Hardest Decision
"I was up all night, pacing the golf course!"
Signing Gorilla Denies Evolution
"We learned to communicate without all that mouth noise. Don't compare us to mankind. See any WMD's?"
Another School Joins The Big Ten Conference
The Old School of Hard Knocks will become number 13 or 14 in The Big Ten. Most cannot recall just how many there are that make up the Ten.
Sides Still Far Apart as Another Fiscal Cliff Looms
Warner Brothers offers to send over expert on cliffs, Wile E. Coyote. "He's a genius", say WB Staff.
Michelle Obama on Ann Romney
"She still drops by from time to time checking the size of White House rooms, curtain colors, carpets. I think she's lost it."
Experts Predict Active Season For Award Shows
"There's at least ten different Country Music Award Shows, alone!", says Hollywood reporter.
Some Americans Are Doing Fine in Economy
Or they look like they're doing fine, with big smiles and high eyebrows. In fact, they smile constantly.
True Facts From Snoops #289
According to Snoops: One out of twenty blind people in the United States are blinded by pissing in a beer bottle and throwing it into a bonfire, especially in the South.
Texas Man Pleads Guilty of Giving Kids Candy, Colas & Donuts!
After second kid in three months explodes from fat!
Assad: Risk of Regional War if West Strikes
"Risk of regional war if we don't as he will feel free to kill as many of his own people as he pleases", says Kerry
Aadesh Musheer On Top Again
Once again, everyone's favorite, Aadesh Musheer has the number one hit in Country & Eastern music with "Kundi Moving Chick".
True Facts From Snoops #910
According to Snoops: Due to the expression "Put your 'John Hancock' right there" to sign anything, the real John Hancock had a terrible time getting credit from anywhere.
True Facts From Snoops #76
According to Snoops: During the early twentieth century, the pope ruled that invisible ink was from "the bowels of hell".
True Facts From Snoops #366
According to Snoops: During World War Two, U.S. spy, Julia Child, often sent here messages back to the U.S. by alphabet Soup!
Other Nations Say They Would Help US in Syria
Along with France, San Maino, Tuvalu, Monaco, Nauru and Vatican City join in. Pope Francis really making some changes over there.
Nazi-themed wines come under fire in the US
Although the Hitler Merlot has a nice balance of fire and brimstone!
Chemist Claims All Life on Earth Began on Mars
Cosmetologist claims that all life on earth began on Venus!
1,600-Year-Old Sweater Found In Norway
Has a picture of Regis Philbin on the front of it!
U.S. Banks Giving Practically Nothing to Invest There
Also, several have asked for their toasters, advertising pads and ink pens back.
............Pissheads Rule OK?
As another two pommie pissheads go for Gold flinging themselves off Magaluf balconies, Team GB is sure to bring a clutch of medals home during the 2016 Brazilian Olympics 'balcony plunge' event!
Loners National Meeting A Blow-Out
Only two of them came and they wouldn't acknowledge one another's presence ", says onlooker.
Yosemite Sam Names Person Starting Fires There
"It was that Mangy no-good, back-shooting, hot-footing varment of a Rabbit!"
Snowden Beginning to Crack?
"United States spied on leaders of Brazil, Mexico, Klingons, Vulcans..."
Russia Not Convinced by U.S. Evidence
Although admitting they hadn't actually seen it yet.
Different Face, Same Pace
Proposal seeks broad war power despite vow of limits. Deja Vu all over again!
Russia sending spy ship to Mediterranean
According to U.S., French, British, Israeli Spy Ships.
Transfer Deadline Day Latest (4)
New Manchester United boss David Moyes has scoured the world and beyond in pursuit of transfer targets, and has found Leighton Baines and Mauroune Fellaini - down the road at his old club Everton.
Roberto Soldado is the new Gareth Bale
New Tottenham Codspur striker Roberto Soldado has promised to learn Welsh, grow facial hair and trademark his 'heart' goal celebration so Spurs fans do not miss Gareth Bale
Transfer Deadline Day Latest (3)
Wayne Rooney, Peter Odemwingie, Mesut Ozil and Luis Suarez all stuck in revolving door.
Harry Redknapp, Arsene Wenger and Jose Mourinho rush to assistance.
More as we get it.
Transfer Deadline Day Latest (2)
78 year old Jimmy Greaves has announced he is coming out of retirement and is available to play for former clubs Tottenham Hotspur, Chelsea, West Ham, or anyone else prepared to pay him a million quid
Transfer Deadline Day Latest (1)
West Brom's want-away striker Peter Odemwingie has been turned away from Real Madrid car park gates after driving all the way from the West Midlands.
Gareth Bale becomes overnight superstar after move to Madrid
Rumours he's lined to marry Catherine Zeta-Jones have been played down. He was seen in the local chippy with Tom Jones on Friday though.
Gareth Bale learns Spanish ahead of move to Madrid
It will come in handy when he needs to ask for a transfer back to Merthyr Tydfil!
Police Pot-Sniffing Dogs To Get Hemp
That should read "Help". Dogs eat too much after career over. Police make deal with local dog food factory to cut calories.
Obama Still Studying Syrian Problem
Most say he's still waiting for congress, Michelle tell him what to do. Then, either way it turns out, he can point his finger!
Water From Nuke Fuel Tank Still Leaking Into Ocean #3
Aquaman leading rescue efforts getting fish, whales, sharks, mermaids out of the area.
Here We Go Again
Some in USA want to change "English Bulldogs" to just plain "Bulldogs".
Water From Nuke Fuel Tank Still Leaking Into Ocean #2
Japanese scientist overseeing leakage says he has "Lost Face". Now being led around and being told how things appear.
Water From Nuke Fuel Tank Still Leaking Into Ocean
"We hope to have it cut to half that amount within five years", says Japanese scientist.
UK gov't let company export nerve gas chemicals to Syria
"Had no idea they would be crazy enough to use them!"
Obama Seeking Congress War Approval
Brings out the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders to help influence voting.
McDonalds Changing Image
"From now on, our fries will have fiber and our milk shakes will have enough probiotics to off-set all the cow antibiotics in the milk!", says owner.
NSA Say They Have Raised Their Own Funding
By selling videos hidden in a secret place located in all the Prison Weight Rooms!
Man Found Dead In His Car At Mall
Wife to police: "He said he'd wait in the car until I ran into the store to exchange a dress. That would be 2 days ago. Then, when I came back out, he was dead. I still think these shoes are wrong."
Man Gets Bitten by a Radioactive Frog
"He warts off crime throughout the city!" Frog Man!
Man Gets Bitten by a Radioactive Monkey
Stops two bank robbers fleeing the scene by hitting them in the face with a handful of shit! MONKEY MAN!
Kentucky Father Catches Son Smoking Pot
"What are we going to live on if you smoke up our whole crop?"
("I don't care.") "You'll care as soon as we run out of money for munchies!"
Chicken Soup For The Tyson Chicken Catchers
New "Chicken Soup" book not doing well. That's the second in a row after last years disastrous "Chicken Soup For The Chicken Killers At Purdue"
Amish Ask President To Shun Syria
Once everyone ignores Ass Odd, he wilst quiet himself down a bit.
W.Watcher Cruises Announce New "Vomiting Weight Loss" Cruises
Eat all day and night and still lose ten pounds or more. A selected few will even get Diarrhea and lose twice as much. We'll be seeing you running from the buffet to the john! See, exercise also.
Saudi Arabia Promises To Do Better
Saudis say they will make a much greater effort to hide that they are the ones financing all the terrorists. "We can't stop now or the royal family will be headless. But you'll still get your oil."