Spoof news snippets from Sunday 1 September 2013
Bum Gives Interview
If you don't mind sleeping on a bench & an occasional hotfoot from some kid, a drunken bums life's not bad. Of course, I wouldn't recommend it for everyone. Just those of us who have a certain BELCH!
"Here it's not even Halloween and some stores already have out Rumnog on the shelf. I tell you, it gets earlier every year. I think I'll get some."
North Koreans Launch Satellite
International announcement tells everyone that if they hear a high sounding humming, duck their heads!
Iceberg Loaded with Old People Hits Cruise Liner.
"I don't know what we're to do", says Captain. "They have eaten everything on the buffet. Now they're in the big pool naked as jaybirds!"
Our Universe May be Just One of Infinite Number of Universes
Something for us to think about and give serious thought to next time we get stoned.
Former Leader Morsi to face trial in Egypt
Workers told to hold off on building his pyramid. Riot!
Field of Suspects narrows, say Police
After County Coroner finds the cause of young mans death was "Shunning"!
UN Decides to Put Off Action on Climate Change
'Everybody talks about the weather but nobody does anything about it", says Secretary General.
Amish, Mennonites Exchange Words
"You Amish think you're all that!" "Those are pretty strong words, Sir!"
A Change For Amish
Pole dancing allowed as long as dancer covered and pole has pole beans growing on it!
New Poll Shows Difference
Latest Poll shows that Americans are much more upbeat than they were this morning. Football team probably won. Got paid a debt. No Syrian War.
Another Sex Ruling
District Judge Bob "Posie" Pansy overturns anal sex ban!
David Frost Dies on Ship
And no, it was not a Disney Cruise ship!
School Janitor Arrested
School janitor in Kentucky fired after it was discovered that he had been selling kids black market Twinkies and ding dongs for double price for years.
Ozzy Osbourne in Trouble Again
After getting upset and angry at interviewer's questions, Ozzy bites his head off!
Waitress Trying too Hard for Tip!
"You see what the Cowboys did to the Eagles today?" "Beat then 28-0!...Zilth!!!" ("Yes, we saw it on a friends big TV.") "Ohh, I bet you say that to all the girls!"
Pope Benedict Seen Again!
This time it's in the mall shopping in the 'Bed, Bath and Baby Baptismal' Store.
News From "Mount Canadian"
Belly-flop contest at family get-together leaves two skinned bellies, two hernias, one bruised tit and several guys walking funny,
Friends of Al Gore Becoming Alarmed
"All he talks about is global warming and high fiber diets. Recently, we have noticed that after he passes gas, the seat of his pants are green."
Priest Becoming Alarmed
Old lady's erotic sins becoming more and more detailed in the confessional. "Of course, before he started George always took out his teeth....."
Ways to Cut the National Budget: #5
Every actress, actor, politician, sports figure that gets pulled over for DUI pays $25 surcharge!
Ways to Cut the National Budget: #4
Hollywood could help. $10 Kissing Booth for kissing Star of the day. Bieber, Miley help your country.
Ways to Cut the National Budget: #3
Charge $2 a month to get 24-hour all naked men channel!
Ways to Cut the National Budget: #2
Special $10 per month charge for 24-hour all naked women channel!
Ways to Cut the National Budget:
Let citizens bid on who gets to pull the lever on electric chair executions!
President Obama Still Having Trouble Deciding About Syria
"He was up pacing the floor and talking to himself most of the night", says Michelle.
Local Man Who Runs Salvage Store Arrested
After he and family all caught on video going around town bending cans on shelf.
Another Store Closes in Many Malls
"Japanese Flourescent Fish Fingers" closing in the mall the 50th in the last two years.
Local Drunk Seen Talking to Horse
"Shay there bud...do I detect a shmall accent? Whew? Maybee jest the scent part?"
Police Question eBay Sale
After bidding starts on "One of Michael Jackson's old noses!"
Deadly Game of Hopscotch Stopped By Police
After three ambulance runs from same area, all victims Mothers suffering from broken backs!
SHOCK: Wife boils husband in pressure cooker.
Who would have thought that the best known weapon of mass destruction was a pressure cooker?
EU plans to fit all cars with speed limiters.
Drivers will need to be careful about passing, running foot through the floorboard.
Wife who made Jello/ Fruit Cocktail floating on Top Upset
After her dad called the whole concoction by a vulgar name floating in another vulgar name!
BBC plans 'Tweet of the Day,' radio for birds -
The birds say they tweet enough at sunrise, sunset, and all times in between. They don't really need the BBC. "Tweet, tweet, tweet," they tweet.
BBC Apologizes for Airing 'Penis Doodle' on Prince William's Head -
But the BBC isn't apologizing for all the sensationalism it's caused.
Justin Bieber attacked at a Toronto nightclub -
"I'm thinking of becoming a WWE wrestler and a boxer. I'm getting into so many fights, I might as well get paid for it," Bieber says.
A lot of people are calling Johnny Manziel 'a jackass' -
The Texas A & M QB says "So What?" - if you could play like me, everyone would call you a jackass, too.
Kloe Kardashian tells Lamar Odom "Smile and Nobody Will Notice" about his DUI arrest -
Odom tells Kloe not to worry, cocaine makes him smile a lot anyhow.
Cinderella MLB Team Apprehensive
Hopes none of the playoff games go past midnight!
Elvis Imitator Wants to See President
See if President Obama would make him a Special Agent in drug control!
President Speaks About Syria
"I have consulted with congress & the UN and have concluded that, if I had a dollar for every hemorrhoid I have this minute, I'd have $12.00....hacked again. Can't you guys do something about this?"
WH Spokesman Says Obama Has Talked to Putin
"Talked some about Syria but mostly argued over Miley Cyrus appearance on awards show."
Japanese Whaling Boat Swallowed By Huge Whale
Whale apparently grew to huge size after being in water released from Nuke plant over the past two years.
Ventriloquist Gets New Leg
A Ventriloquist who had to have leg amputated from injury in fire hearing a lot of jokes from his wooden dummy over prosthetic. "Better warn the dog he might get a bad splinter humping that!"
Rapper to Change Name
Horace Jones now 'P. Doodle Wicky Pati Wanky Ho'. Associates tell him he's overdoing it a bit.
President's New Policy
Obama wants every student in school to learn to hide in spider holes.
Conservative Home School Re-acts to Obama
Home school in Tennessee has mother-written play for her kids to reenact President Obama walking away from Assad.
Cool Summer Indicates Global Warming
One of the coolest summers ever shows that Global Warming is getting worse, according to experts.
Former Wall Street Workers Finding Jobs Hard to Get
"I got fired at a great job as waiter because I'd forget and scream out our customers orders", says one. "Same here. I got a job for 2 weeks at a funeral home. I forgot & screamed 'Lame flowers here!"
NRA Offers to Help!
With the President's blessing, the NRA say they could take care of Syria any time US wants them to. "We have them outgunned 100-1", says leader.
Syrian "Fence" Caves!
Assad told reporters today that President Obama has sat on the fence so long that it has rotted out from under him.
Obama Calls for Fast Action on Gun Violence
"Not like me on this Syrian attack. Somebody has to decide something before I leave office."
Monk Predicts end of the world in 2014!
Monk given dart and placed near dart board at Irish Pub. Hit the April 22nd, 2014 date with dart on second try, after first dart hit old lady passed out on the floor. Monk then taken back to zoo.
Victoria's Secret Changing
Victoria's Secret in many Southern and Midwestern cities and towns say that they will quit selling assault weapons after Christmas this year.
Why Fukushima is worse than you think
Leaks now worse than two years ago. Neighboring nations, ships now becoming alarmed.
Teens hide from parents online
Many parents go to teens rooms to find them empty. "I saw her go in. Where did she go?"
Pope asks other faiths to join day of prayer for peace in Syria
Probably more bullets fired into the air than prayers, say some.
Russia's Putin Also Strutting Around
"It was the Russian ships that turned the tide."
Syria hails 'historic American retreat' as Obama hesitates
Leader of opposition: "This certainly doesn't help our situation. We can be gassed at will."
Oklahoma Kangaroo, Pet Woman Find Home at Zoo
I'm sorry. That should have read: Pet Okla. woman, kangaroo find new home at zoo. Woman and pet kangaroo find zoo at home of kangaroo. Forget it. Not that important anyway. Go read the Sports page.
Analysis: Obama's credibility on line in reversal
Rand Paul: And what credibility is that? We have a lot of credit, but no credibility.
Obama Backs Out of Bombing Syria
Assad: "So where is the big Obama at home with his Mama?" (Crowd cheers). "I wave my private parts at you!" (What else did the French say in Python's Holy Grail?).
Air National Guard Accidentally Drops 'Practice' Bomb Into Bar Parking Lot 2
"Worse thing that's happened here since that big turkey drop over 20 years ago", says bar customer. "Broke my windshield."
Air National Guard Accidentally Drops 'Practice' Bomb Into Bar Parking Lot.
"Tell them to drop them somewhere else", says bartender. "I got several in here who have messed their pants...including me."
Bieber attacked in Toronto nightclub
Drunken customer kept calling him "Beaver". Made him mad and picked fight with old guy who flattened him then proclaimed "That wasn't the Beaver, little lyar."
Husband, Wife Both Die
Local woman dies at 87. Friends say that she and husband would have been married for 65 years had he lived. But husband had already died over 50 years ago! "Life is amazing", says relative.
High radiation readings found at Fukushima tanks
"Our biggest fear is that Godzilla is now twice its size!", says government official.
Rudd now a dick (tator)
Australian PM Kevin Rudd, in an act of desperation to hold on to power, has cancelled all elections and banned opposition parties. Rudd wants to be leader for life and a major TV celebrity. Oh God!!
Obama to Seek Approval from His Parents Before Syria Strike
Barack Obama said that he has decided to launch cruise missiles against Syria after he gets authorization for the mission from his parents.
The Ever So Popular Miley Cyrus
Ever since Miley Cyrus did her foam finger rubba dub dubbing on the MTV Music Video Awards she has received over 17,000 marriage proposals from prison inmates throughout America.
Snooki Just Can't Catch A Break
Snooki is suing a perfume company after she said she used it and still ended up smelling like a pepperoni pizza.
What Was Dunkin Donuts Thinking?
Dunkin Donuts has apologized for their racist ad campaign featuring a woman in black face with pink lips. A spokesperson said they will be donating $8,000 to the NBA.
Russian President Putin tells President Obama to stay out of Syria or else he will send Russian troops to Detroit.
Donald Trump University News
FOX News is reporting that Donald Trump University's nickname will be the Beaverheads, in honor of Donald "Beaverhead" Trump.
Batman and The White Hip Hopper?
Ben Affleck will be starring as the new Batman and movie executives hope to sign Justin Bieber to play his sidekick Robin.
Present Goals of Houston Astros (Worst in MLB) #5
5. Go for a home run every time you swing, even if you get the sign to bunt runner along.
Present Goals of Houston Astros (Worst in MLB) #4
4. Hire really great looking call-girl and get some pics together as agents wore likely to spot possible position on other teams next year. (Yankees?)
Present Goals of Houston Astros (Worst in MLB) #3
3. Grab up all the visiting teams Paraphernalia to sell on eBay during the winter.
Present Goals of Houston Astros (Worst in MLB) #2
2. Just place "L" on rest of games this season and take down calendar from locker.
Present Goals of Houston Astros (Worst in MLB)
#1. Begin calling NFL teams to see if they need a good former high school football player, especially call the Texans.
Physicists: We're Closer To Quantum Computing!
We have already invented a computer with enough knowledge that it makes Big Blue look like an idiot/savant.
In Hollywood, "Maps to Gun-Owning Stars' Homes" go on sale.
In the Midwest and South, all houses are listed. Actually more than one gun shows the same.
The White House walk-and-talk that changed Obama's mind on Syria
Kerry: Assad no longer a thug and a murderer! I guess he changed hats.