Spoof news snippets from September 2013
There were 492 spoof news snippets published in September 2013. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Advice From Lindsay Lohan
"Never try to put up a painting in your house unless you have a hammer...and some more stuff like a hammer. Ask your dad."
Earth's largest volcano found
"I don't see how we could have missed it for so long", says scientist.
Free World Tour
Old couples placed on floating iceberg getting a free tour of the world as huge chunk still floating. "No more hazardous than Cruise Line", one yells at reporter.
First Amish Player Signs With Houston
Nearly 60% shooting average from the floor, 90% from foul line but refuses to use a backboard that is from the devil!
Threatening World Supply of Envelopes?
China says Manila stirring up trouble on disputed shoal.
Cave Writings Interpreted In France
Best we can tell, it reads "I'd sure love to drag her into my cave by the hair of the head. Ah-Cha-Cha-Cha!"
Samsung unveils new smartwatch that makes calls
By this Christmas you'll be able to change into Dick Tracy!!
Illegal Immigrant Lawyer to Argue Obama's Case For Bombing?
Trump: I want to see his birth certificate before we hear him.
Kentucky Kicked out of United States Electoral College
Several caught in sting for betting on horses! Making illegal moonshine. "Which one's legal?", asked one former rep.
Kid in High School Kicks 99-Yard field goal!
"It looked like a screwball", states delighted coach. "Never saw a football get caught up into a big dust devil before. It actually went through the uprights twice!"
Monster tsunami could devastate California: study
Also, monster earthquake, monster wildfire, monster!
Now It's Firestorms
The Weather Channel has not only named Hurricanes and Winter Storms but are now naming Firestorms. Word is, if there's not a Hurricane soon, they're dead meat.
What's Next, For Blackmailing Purposes Only?
WIRE: FACEBOOK expanding use of personal information only for advertising.
Twinkies Price, Stocks Down
Panel accuse Twinkies makers of manipulating stock as Banana Flips may be dropped off market next.
Where's Protesters Against War, Like Cindy Sheehan?
"Cindy Sheehan is yesterdays news", says Sarah Palin
Voters heckle McCain over Syria war vote
Why not heckle the President who will make the final decision? You had no trouble protesting Bush! Your hypocrisy is obvious!
Historic: NAACP-KKK Meeting
The Hoods Meet the Hoodies! Most hope they don't unite!
Joe Biden Caught in President Obama's Chair
"Just making sure it wasn't bugged, Mr. President. I was giving the desk the old shoe test."
"I Wasn't Thinking When Plans Drawn For January 1st!"
Million Nudists March on Washington DC put off until next summer, probably Fourth of July (although fireworks can smart.)
Obama suspends political fundraising to focus on Syria
"But nothing about playing/not playing anymore golf!"
Learn Free Meditation - Easily Meditate In Minutes
Better yet, get free medication. Or learn your plants and then you really will see visions. Two-Buck Chuck has helped many too. If you drink enough, you become a great vocalist.
Full Water Cooler Blown Up Not the Work of terrorists
"I spilled my cup which I had placed a couple of alka-seltzers and it landed in the top of the cooler that some worker forgot to close", says Janitor.
Vladimir Putin and Michelle Obama
Russian President Vladimir Putin has told President Obama that Edward Snowden went into the NSA file and showed him 27 photos of Michelle wearing a very skimpy bikini swimsuit.
Syria Makes The U.S. An Offer
Syria has told the United States that they will get rid of all of their chemicals if the U.S. gets rid of all of its trans fats.
Washington Getting Kind of Mixed-Up over Syria
McConnell and Reid agree that somebody should do something!
Teen: Store told me I was too fat
Manager: "We don't have a talking store. Wish we did. somebody might come here."
Bulgarian protesters demand government resigns
Everybody's protesting: Mary Ann, Ginger demand Professor quit acting like a Smartass!
Swedes Choose ABBA as all-time recording artists there
Finish (no pun intended) high above second favorite: Bjorne Lööfa & His Jugband Yodelers!
Kerry Claims He Made Some Progress
"I got PLO and Israeli reps to shake hands..but it quickly turned into an arm wrestle!
Obama Prepared If Things Go Wrong
Trained crew will dig moat around White House, pull up drawbridges within three hours!
It's Finally Here!
Forget Syria, world economy! P&G to introduce lower-priced Tide detergent in the U.S.! Onward and Upward!
True Facts From Snoops # 65
According to Snoops: Those close to Adolf Hitler say that he could do a great version of Curly of the 3 Stooges although he looked more like Moe.
Obama orders Pentagon to expand list of targets in Syria
Why not let these people settle their own affairs? We cannot police the world, especially when our own country is hurting.
Weiner Says He's Never Been Pierced!
"But I do have a big tattoo on my rear end if you'd care to see it."
Billy Ray Cyrus pulls out of tv appearance
Apparently his daughter Mileys performance at the MTV awards, where she 'twerked' Robin Bulge, sorry Robin Thicke, is rumoured to have broken Billy Rays achy breaky heart.
The Puzzling Forest Fires
The United States government has just earmarked $9.3 million to study exactly just why the hell forest fires are so damn hot!
The Yippie-Ki-Yay Assault
The FCC has put a halt to anymore new country music award shows. They pointed out that 79 country music award prime time shows in one year is way more than enough.
Arsene Wenger linked with three Transfer Deadline signings
1. A ghost
2. The invisible man
3. A.trialist (from Scotland - always scores goals)
Top-secret intel shows new level of disgust for Pakistan
I'm sorry. That should have read "distrust" not "disgust".
Sheriff Joe Arpaio Is Going To Be One Surprised Old Fella
President Vladimir Putin says he will be deporting all Russian gays to Arizona. When asked why Arizona, he responded by saying that he just tossed a dart at a map and he hit Arizona.
Charlie Sheen Certainly Knows How To Get The Ratings
Charlie Sheen said that he talked to Dennis Rodman about the possibility of getting North Korean leader Kim Jong Un to appear on his show Anger Management.
McCain Not Making Sense
"If I were a squirrel, I'd much prefer jumping from limb to limb than go water skiing!" ('Yes sir, but I asked you about Syria').
Telepathic communication on the rise.
Women say they can tell what a guy is thinking by the direction he's looking.
Beeper Goes Off at Rite Aid Again
"How many times do I have to show this year old condom in foil wrapper in my billfold when I leave here?"
Russia's Putin calls John Kerry a liar on Syria
Kerry: "Who asked you, you big A-Hole?". Threatens to throw a chair!
U.S to train Syrian soldiers in Jordan
Seems like they already know how to fight as they have been at it for hundreds of years. We did this first in Vietnam 50 years ago did we not?
North Koreans Launch Satellite
International announcement tells everyone that if they hear a high sounding humming, duck their heads!
Gary Busey Is Really Excited About His New Gig
Gary Busey to host the new reality game show, Okay, So Who's Doing What Drugs and Stuff?
High school coaches in epic brawl!
Tell the Press later that they were just trying to breathe some enthusiasm into lifeless 0-0 overtime game!
First Cannibal to Run for Office Next Year
Naturally it's in Minnesota again. Candidate often looks opponents up and down, smacking his lips at debates, to unnerve them!
Couple Married 50 Years Divorce!
"I found out that instead of going to the bar the past 15 years, he's been taking Millie the Gorillie to those nasty Bingo Games!"
Boehner supports Obama military action in Syria
"Many Democrats supported President Bush in Iraq, I guess we are allowed the same mistake in Syria!"
True Facts From Snoops #677
According to Snoops: Wyoming, the least populated state in the United states, only has 124 people and Dick Cheney.
Acme Denies Any Orders Placed There
"We have never received a single order from any "Wile E. Coyote" at any time during the past", says manager!
Putin On Posing
Russia's Putin says there's too much posturing going on with leaders around the world. "I do that a bit myself, sometimes."
Makers of Twinkies Stocking Up
"The government has a special place to secure these, to fed the our people after a world disaster. They have a 50-year-shelf life."
Russian President Putin tells President Obama to stay out of Syria or else he will send Russian troops to Detroit.
Coming To Your Town Soon?
'Environmental Crimes': EPA sends SWAT team to Alaskan mine to check water quality. "Are you recycling? Look out for the 'Environmental Police"!
US/Russia Lock Horns at G-20
Al Gore: A good Cold War could slow down global warming, or at the least, slow it down!
Russia sends warship with 'special cargo' to Syria
I hope all these great leaders today would leave the rest of us out of pissing contests!
Will Smith might be in those Independence Day sequels after all, and more
Also, aliens say that if Will Smith is coming back, they would sign also!
Man Utd buy Beckham!
Man Utd have decided to turn to Becks to save their reputation as transfer deadline dodo's. He's on a free and begging Posh to play alongside "The Mop" Fellaini in the Theatre of Nightmares!
Loners National Meeting A Blow-Out
Only two of them came and they wouldn't acknowledge one another's presence ", says onlooker.
The Cannibals Have Lost Their Vote
The African country of Lower Zamgola has banned cannibals from voting. A government spokesperson said that they were making the normal voters nervous as hell.
Sail The Seas At Your Own Risk
The United States is considering putting a cigarette type warning on all cruise line advertisements.
Sarah Palin Moves Her Lips Again
Sarah Palin has just asked, "Why the heck is everyone so concerned about the chemicals in Syria. I mean gosh darnit how about the chemicals found in our good old USA chemicals, huh?"
The Most Famous Lip Syncer of All-Time
Britney Spears recently said that her lip syncing days are over. She then grinned and said, "But as for my lip syncing nights, well..."
Oman newspaper suspended for publishing article sympathetic to gays
"Oman look at my life, I'm a lot like you were!"
Miley Cyrus Has No Shame #2
Asks Dad if he was going to take her to the woodshed after her behavior at Awards Show. "Where she got this spanking thing from, I'll never know", says Billy Ray.
Playboy Tries Something New
Hugh Hefner never gives up trying out new things and now he has announced that the next issue of Playboy will have fold out breasts!
Daredevil Robbie Knievel Eats 25 Boiled Eggs
Breaks all-time record previously held record of Cool Hand Luke!
France pulls back, debates strike
This is so unlike France to act like a rubber crutch.
Putin says could turn against Assad - if case proved
Germany now says they might join in also if rebels are winning!
Kentucky man finds a drone plane trapped in his snare. "Stupid drones drive away all the rabbits!"
Weiner Put Down During Debate
Referred to by opponents as "Oscar Meyer over there".
McCain's Wife Says He's Getting Over-Emotional
"He cries every time he sees those dogs playing poker in that painting. I think one of them reminds him of 'Old Rex'".
Many in Middle East struggling to understand Obama policy
Many in the United States Doing The Same!
Mexican President Demands Info About U.S. Spying
U.S demands info about drug lords and locations. We can't help unless we know where they are. "We had to try to get it ourselves."
The Ever So Popular Miley Cyrus
Ever since Miley Cyrus did her foam finger rubba dub dubbing on the MTV Music Video Awards she has received over 17,000 marriage proposals from prison inmates throughout America.
Snooki Just Can't Catch A Break
Snooki is suing a perfume company after she said she used it and still ended up smelling like a pepperoni pizza.
Mila Kunis Wants To Hear The Pitter Patter (Soon)
Mila Kunis has told Ashton Kutcher if his old skank of a wife Demi Moore does not divorce him soon, she is going to be too old to have babies.
Well So Much For An Eastwood Cougar
Clint Eastwood, 83, was asked that now that he is getting divorced if he would consider dating an older woman. Eastwood shook his head and replied, "There are no older women."
Kathy Griffin Will Remain A Redhead
Kathy Griffin says she was thinking of going blonde but then it would mess up her nickname; The Red Cougar.
News From "Mount Canadian"
Belly-flop contest at family get-together leaves two skinned bellies, two hernias, one bruised tit and several guys walking funny,
UN Decides to Put Off Action on Climate Change
'Everybody talks about the weather but nobody does anything about it", says Secretary General.
Former Leader Morsi to face trial in Egypt
Workers told to hold off on building his pyramid. Riot!
"Here it's not even Halloween and some stores already have out Rumnog on the shelf. I tell you, it gets earlier every year. I think I'll get some."
Saudi Arabia Promises To Do Better
Saudis say they will make a much greater effort to hide that they are the ones financing all the terrorists. "We can't stop now or the royal family will be headless. But you'll still get your oil."
The KKK Is Getting Into The Spy Drone Business
The Ku Klux Klan allegedly has a spy drone that they say they will use at NBA games this season.
Movie Companies Can Be Superstitious
Due to the dismal box office numbers of The Lone Ranger, the new Lion's Face Films movie, The Drone Ranger, will be getting a title change.
U.S. Banks Giving Practically Nothing to Invest There
Also, several have asked for their toasters, advertising pads and ink pens back.
From now on, all words are to be treated equally, even those that sound the same with different meanings. "I can't stand homophones," said Rachel Riley from Countdown.
The President's Decision Making Process
President Obama recently stated that ironically most of his decisions on the Middle East are made when he is playing golf and finds himself in a sand trap.
What Would John Hancock Think?
The family of John Hancock has asked the U.S. government to ban the use of the phrase 'Put your John Hancock here" saying it's disrespectful, insensitive, and they do not earn one red cent from it.
The Scissors Smelled Like Maracas
A beauty salon in East Los Angeles was shut down when it was learned that the hair stylists were using counterfeit scissors smuggled in from Mexico.
The Mount Rushmore Rumor
Regis Philbin has just said that there is no truth to the rumor that his and Larry King's likeness is being added to Mount Rushmore.
Slow pace of justice wears down Occupy Wall Street defendants
"We'll get to you once we settle with these World War l Protesters!"
Sheep no longer have to simply baa
Scientists at the Caledonian Institute for Sheep Studies have finally made a sheep tweet. "It turned out it was easy," said Dolly Ovine. "Turns out, you just need to sign them up to Twitter."
The Reason Bob Dylan Loves His New Job
Bob Dylan, the 72-year-old musical director on The Viagra View says he loves the gig because with Larry King, 79, and Regis Philbin, 82, he feels like a young whippersnapper.
Joan Rivers Said No To Dancing With The Stars
Joan Rivers was to have been on Dancing With The Stars but backed out because she was afraid if the British judge Len Goodman gave her some bad scores she'd probably jump on him and bite him.