Spoof news snippets from Saturday 25 May 2013
Sex without butterflies is 'the best ever'
Having sex without butterflies around you is, experts say, awesome.
Chr*s Moyles 'sodomised my handbag'
Former Radio 1 DJ Moyles has been charged with gross indecency with a handbag after an incident in the Reading branch of Miss Selfridge earlier this week.
The 'N-word' is now the most used word in the English language
Linguists at the University of Chappaquiddick have calculated that the 'N-word' is used somewhere in the US at least 140,000 times per second in a variety of contexts, but mostly by academics.
Suicide now a capital offence in Utah
Suicide now carries a penalty of death by lethal injection in Utah. The suicide victim is brought back to life in the normal way, then killed again as a punishment.
Crucifixion of Jesus 'was a prank that went wrong'
Biblical scholars and historians have cited documentary evidence to suggest that Jesus' death was simply 'fooling around' with some centurions that got out of hand after too many beers.
Jack the Ripper is 'Greatest Ever Briton'
Jack the Ripper has been voted Britain's greatest ever inhabitant by readers of Jack the Ripper Monthly.
'The Queen is a c*nt'
The film director Stephen Frears says his film 'The Queen' was his most difficult film to make.
'Rape should be an Olympic sport'
The harvesting of the cash-crop, Rape, that requires great skill and strength, might become a recognised sport by 2016.
'The disabled are a waste of f*cking space'
A new study suggests that some the large number of spaces reserved for the Disabled could be used as breeding grounds for rare birds.
'Self-harm' is the new rock and roll
Professor Rimming-Spree of the University of Sixties-New Town says that cutting oneself with glass and razor blades is 'pretty cool' and 'cutting edge'.
Park keeper mauled by tiger in new terror attack
First a soldier, then a plane - now al-Queda have utilised Sumatran tigers to spread fear and panic in the UK. Authorities are putting everyone in the country on alert about threats from everything.